lilemiedp Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Hello, I am new, but this seems like a great forum to get advice on romantic situations. I am not sure if this has been asked before, so here we go. What is the normal time period for a guy to cope with a break-up? How soon after the fact is a new relationship considered a "rebound" relationship, for guys?
Guest Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 We could help you more if you gave us some more info. How long were they together? What caused the breakup and how long has he been broken up?
oppath Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 There is no set time and all guys (and girls) cope differently. It really depends on the situation, such as how long his previous relationship lasted and why they broke up. Sometimes, you meet someone right away, and with patience, it LASTS FOREVER. Sometimes it fizzles after a couple weeks. Whether or not it is a rebound really depends on what happens to you if you are dating a guy in this situation. For example, I dated my recent ex for 6 months, starting 2 weeks after she ended a 5 year relationship. I consider myself a rebound, though it was unintentional and she did have feelings for me. I am really hurt because her justification was that she was not ready for another serious relationship. My perspective was that she should not have dated me more than a couple of weeks if she wasn't readdy. The thing is, emotions are tricky. It is not that simple if you life someone. Generally, rebounds only last a few weeks. They are a temporary healing, not a full healing. There is even the term TRANSITIONAL RELATIONSHIP being used to describe relationships that last longer. In these relationships, the grieving person essentially fully heals from the breakup while with the new person, and when that healing is complete, they are a new and different person, and end the relationship. I would ask anyone out of a relationship (1) do you feel you are ready to date and (2) do you feel you are ready for another relationship or are you at a place in your life where you'll need to be single for while
Author lilemiedp Posted February 20, 2007 Author Posted February 20, 2007 As of early December, the guy still had deep feelings for her. The relationship was about 8 months altogether. Two months later, he has started dating someone new. Is it rebound??
LaughMachine Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Hello, I am new, but this seems like a great forum to get advice on romantic situations. I am not sure if this has been asked before, so here we go. What is the normal time period for a guy to cope with a break-up? How soon after the fact is a new relationship considered a "rebound" relationship, for guys? Oh yes a question like this has been asked before, but thats okay:) You honestly never know, you can't really pin point a time for anybody. Everyone is different when it comes to healing and not all guys are alike. A rebound relationship doesn't always have to occur straight after a breakup between somebody. A guy can always rebound years later knowing he is still in love with his ex. I think out of hurt alot of people do rush in too things very quickly and those often times don't last. I never really did the rebound fling, it always just hurt me more and made me miss my ex more. My bestfriend was great for doing that. Works for some but not all. Is this your ex that your wondering about?
taylor Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Time is not a good indicator of whether a new relationship is rebound or not. If you want to know if a relationship is rebound in nature, pay close attention to the following: 1. Does he still have feelings for the ex? Does he still hold her in his heart? Does he still have contact with her? Does he talk about her? Do her actions still influence his feelings? Does he get "emotional" (good or bad) about her? Does he compare you to her? (If he still has unresolved feelings (gets emotional about her), he is not over her. You will know he is over her when he becomes indifferent or apathetic toward his former girlfriend.) 2. How is he pacing his relationship with you (the new relationship)? Does he seem to be rushing through the stages of dating? Did he profess love and "get serious" very early on? Does he seem emotionally needy or dependent? Does he seem confused, depressed, detached, withdrawn, wishy-washy? Is he emotionally available to you? Or, does he seem super giddy in love, too good to be true, totally swept off his feet, living in fantasy land with you - his dream come true - high up on a pedestal? (Rebounders generally rush new relationships either because they are desperate to "cure" the pain and the loneliness and to boost their shattered egos -or- they rush a new relationship with an exciting new-found "replacement" in an attempt to quickly regain what they lost. They can be very confused and their emotions can be all over the map - very unpredictable. They are lost and their hearts are tangled. They don't even know they are rebounding!) I'm sure some other posters can add more "signs" to look for. But don't get fooled into thinking there is a specific time limit. It's not that easy. My ex-boyfriend was involved with his first love for 5 years (some H.S. and all through college). They planned to get married. They broke up when he was 23. She was the love of his life and he thought they were going to be together forever. Feelings like that run deep and die hard. He met me 2.5 years after his break-up with his first love. He told me he was "completely over her" and had "no feelings for her whatsoever." We started a whirlwind romance and after 2 months he was talking about engagement rings, wedding receptions, moving in together and babies. Three months later she came back into town and back into his life. He dropped me like a hot potato and ran back to her. You guessed it. I was the rebound girl. He was and is still rebounding after 2.5 years! Later, when I asked him why he lead me on the way he did if he still had feelings for her, he said, "Because I want to be married. I was supposed to be married by now." ???????????? I found out recently my ex-boyfriend is a serial rebounder and has been ever since his first love left him. And I found out this wasn't the first time he has run back to her. They remained in casual contact ever since the breakup. Who knows how long she will remain in his heart and how long he will continue to rebound? The only advice I can give you is if you suspect you may be involved with a rebounder, "Guard your heart" and "Move slowly and cautiously." 1
Guest Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 I agree time can be a tricky indicator. I think for me a red flag would be either talking about the ex all the time or talking alot about how they've moved on from the prior relationship. People want to believe they have and its almost like they are trying to convince themselves that indeed they have. Also pay attention to his friends. How many of us have heard after a breakup to move on, get out there and date from them. Of course they are trying to be helpful but they don't have that emotional involvement do they? We need time to mourn what we've lost. That being said they weren't together that long. If he was with her for 10 yrs instead of 8 months then I'd be more concerned about the 2 months.
oppath Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Great post Taylor. That sums up rebounding, and signs of rebounding, quite well. Sometimes you can meet someone two weeks later and not feel ready to date, but you give them a chance, and it is NOT a rebound; they are simply the next person you date. If you know someone just got out of a serious relationship, be wary of them saying things like "I think I'm falling for you" within the first 2-3 months. Be wary of them saying things like "I'm 85% sure you are the guy I am going to marry." If you can't respond with the same enthusiam and they freak about it, and you have to reassure them that you are interested but it feels too soon for you to say similar stuff, they are likely rebounding. Anyone who maintains a close friendship with a recent long term ex has rebound potential. If they say things like they are falling in love with you, but still talk to their ex, and won't tell him/her about you because they don't want to hurt his feelings: rebound. If they can't introduce you to certain friends who were also friends of his/her recent ex: rebound. However, if you've lost someone (whether you dumped them or they dumped you) and they start dating someone else within a month or two, it does NOT mean they are rebounding. The only way to perceive if it is a rebound relationship is to be in a potential rebound relationship and to watch for warning signs.
littlebopeep Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 However, if you've lost someone (whether you dumped them or they dumped you) and they start dating someone else within a month or two, it does NOT mean they are rebounding. I think most of us that still have lots of feelings for an ex probably hope their exs are on the rebound because it still gives them a glimmer of hope that they can still work things out. I am almost certain my ex is with some1 else but he will not admit it to me or his family and i myself hoped it was on the rebound,(dont ask me why because i know its over).If he is with some1 then he broke up a 4.5 year r/ship within 5 weeks of meeting her still telling me he loved me but i know its not a rebound because he must have already had thoughts of her to end our r/ship. I personally think its people who have been dumped that get into rebounds because it makes them feel loved and wanted again even if its for the wrong reasons.Just my opinion though.
IThinkIllGoToBoston Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 maybe your relationship had been lacking lately and your ex felt unfulfilled? having a new girl come along at this time played perfectly into your guy, well, reacting like a guy! guys are problem solvers. when they experience negative feelings (whether it be sadness, anger, or guilt - even subconscious guilt) about a recently ended relationship - regardless of who ended it - they want to solve the problem and get rid of the negative emotion. negative emotions make men feel powerless. to solve the problem and regain power, they often jump right into another serious relationship in order to "avoid" the negative feelings -- since being in the beginnings of a new relationship and having a female adore him create GOOD feelings for him. truth is though, since he's just avoiding or masking the negative feelings -- and not dealing with them -- they will resurface. this is usually why rebounds don't work out. another scenario -- if a relationship has lost its spark and/or communication has gone down, etc., a man can feel like a failure in the relationship. in order to validate these feelings, a new fast-paced relationship can make them feel powerful, and adored, and not a failure. this is all great until the honeymoon period is over, and at that point they usually go back to their ex (if the relationship had true love and long term staying power) when they realize that the new girl and him aren't really compatible in the long run, and that the honeymood phase never lasts forever... just some thoughts
littlebopeep Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 maybe your relationship had been lacking lately and your ex felt unfulfilled? having a new girl come along at this time played perfectly into your guy, well, reacting like a guy! Me and my ex had always had a fantastic r/ship but he had to go away for a year on placement.I visited him 5 weeks after he went and he was really excited to see me. There were alot of students there and the thought of him being there without me for a year upset me because i thought he might find some1 else.Silly i know but he said if i was upset after only 5 weeks then it wouldnt work for a year. As far as i know everything was good but the distance caused problems.We really did love each other but hes been away 6 months now so enough time to fall in love with some1 else.Im ok while hes away,just hope he finds work there then i dont have to see him because that will hurt. Good post though,makes alot of sense,thanks.
dadof4 Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Time is not a good indicator of whether a new relationship is rebound or not. The phrases "rebound relationship" and "on the rebound" should be banned - On the Rebound: Time to Remarriage and Subsequent Union Stability. Every relationship is different, including so called "rebound relationships". People get too caught up with catchy phrases that seem to have some sort of truthiness to them.
oppath Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Sometimes your next relationship is just your next relationship; if the "rebounder" ends it, it does not mean he/she was on the rebound. However, there are many situations where someone professes new love quickly, and everything seems perfect, and then they pull a 180. no fights. Never an argument. The person almost comes on too strong. This happens less often in non-"rebound" situations. Most stories where this happens, the person was newly single or the ex comes back into the picture in some way. If someone continues to love, and moves towards marraige, it is not rebounding. The next person you date can be the next person you date.
Tezza115 Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 Ok, I have just gotten out of an 8 year relationship, I went overseas in December and when I came back found out that he had been cheating on me with some girl online, they hadn't met yet cos she is from overseas, but were contacting each other romantically during the time I was away (about a month) I have seen the txt msgs on his phone, he told me then that he loved me alot and that he wanted to marry me, but after seeing those texts I was really hurt and pushed him away, we ended in pretty bad terms. Next thing I know he meets up with this girl, she comes over from her country and less than 4 weeks later they had a "Commitment Ceremony" like an engagement. I did see him 2 days before the ceremony though (I didn't know how serious it was or anything about the ceremony) and he said that she was just a "friend" at the time (he lied). He cried saying that he was upset at how we turned out, and that he wasn't coming back to me cos he didn't want to feel hurt anymore, then we had a booty call, and he continually told me I was fat and stuff, which I am not, it sounded to me that he was comparing me to the other girl who is a tiny sized 4 asian girl. Is he rebounding??
Tezza115 Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 Ok, found this on a website and all signs point to "Yes" doesn't mean that it is completely valid though, it could still work out... 1) Did he rush into another relationship? Yes 2) Does he constantly compare his new sweetie to the ex? Yes 3) Does he feel like this new person is perfect? Yes, he told me this himself and that she just "fits" better in his life than I did... 4) Did he go through the early stages at warp speed? Yes, commitment ceremony in less than 2 mths of our relationship ending, and only after meeting the girl for several weeks... 5) Does he take things out on the new person? I don't know about this one...
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