Miss Jane Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 This is something that I'm sure has been discussed before. I've searched this site and lying, cheating, mistrust, etc. seems to be a common topic. I've been following a thread in response to a pregnant woman who is outraged that her husband went to a strip club, got a lapdance, and then tried to lie about it. My husband (of 20+years) did the same and I found out about it several months later when a friend "slipped" and joked about the lapdances they had. (I posted more about this on the other thread. ) Anyways, if this friend hadn't said anything I wouldn't have know about it and I feel like I was deceived by my husband not telling me. He still thinks he didn't do anything wrong, he thinks it was no big deal, and admits he knew when he was doing it that I wouldn't like it--but I guess you forget all that when some naked "teenager" is in your face. Was not telling me the same as lying? Please tell me what you think!
underpants Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 A lie by omission is still a lie. Of course people do this all the time. No one wants full disclosure of every single thing you do or think. However, when you knowingly with hold information or experiences that you know would hurt your partner. I think that is just lack of communication, sometimes bordering on deception and that is a bad road.
KittenMoon Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Omission about something you don't realize will hurt your partner is understandable. Omission about something YOU KNOW will hurt your partner is as bad as a lie, if not worse, because it is a premeditated decision, as opposed to a spur-of-the-moment lie. Obviously, though, there are shades of this. Like, spending an extra few hours at the bar or buying a new video game (when you know you SO wouldn't approve) wouldn't be as bad as a lapdance or the like.
ahsumgurl909 Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 handle a man like this. I meet a guy and we become friends first so we tell each other everything our past our secrets. I can get a guy to tell me stuff they dont even tell their guy friends. I have six older brothers btw. Anyway by the time we become partners, he is comfortable telling me anything. I tell them this as well you can tell me anything. Like for instance the guy I'm with now. Failed to mention he was still talking to one of his ex's and I busted him with her and when he asked to talk to me I let him meet meat an office I was having cleaned. Well he walked in with his head down exspecting me to fly off the handle. He sat down in a chair and I knelt between his legs and said okay so whats going on? He just started crying saying he felt so bad and that it would never happen again. This girl was a stalker and would not leave him alone. My point here is this (Its all about how you talk to your man if your a Bit** and nagging and yelling and accusing him hes never gonna tell you nothing. My men pretty much tell me everything. Yeah I get mad and I get hurt but I always know the truth and I know so much about them they couldnt lie to me anyway. Like if my dude went to a strip club I would know the minute I saw him he had done something to disappoint me. Men are dead give aways. ANd if you cant tell when your man has done something out of the ordinary then your not paying enough attention to him or learning enough about him. Be gentle with your man no matter how he handles things you will get great rewards for it. Trust me. I have only been with 8 men in my life. But they were all long term relationships. And we pretty much were cool in most of them a couple of them taught me just how to handle things like that. Dont be angry with your man. Just ask him why he went calmly what he got out of it and then say okay I understand. But it really hurts me so I wish you wouldnt do that any more okay? Kiss him tell him you love him and see your results. Oh and never throw it in his face either cause he will go right back to doing it again. Hell if hes being accused for why not get the benefits from it right? JMO
littlekitty Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Omission is just the same as lying. It's no different! Failing to tell the person you love you've done something that you know would hurt them is no different to denying it to their face.
Trialbyfire Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 You know what? I swear this is all part of the male psychy of avoiding the unpleasant, if and whenever possible.
justagirlforever Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Omission about something YOU KNOW will hurt your partner is as bad as a lie, if not worse, because it is a premeditated decision, as opposed to a spur-of-the-moment lie. Absolutely agree. It's even worse in my opinion.
Author Miss Jane Posted February 19, 2007 Author Posted February 19, 2007 Yes a lie is also "selective disclosure". Simply put--"selective disclosure". I'm reassured to know that others think the same way I do. I'm just not sure how to get the trust back. You think you know someone after 20+ years--this one hit me like a load of bricks.
Author Miss Jane Posted February 19, 2007 Author Posted February 19, 2007 You're right--men hate confrontation. I guess my husband cared more about his feelings and the stripper's then mine. So sad. . . And I hate how men get so defensive when all you want to do is talk! He's so damn guilty he reeks!
Author Miss Jane Posted February 20, 2007 Author Posted February 20, 2007 Dont be angry with your man. Just ask him why he went calmly what he got out of it and then say okay I understand. But it really hurts me so I wish you wouldnt do that any more okay? Kiss him tell him you love him and see your results. Oh and never throw it in his face either cause he will go right back to doing it again. Hell if hes being accused for why not get the benefits from it right? JMO I'll try. I agree that throwing it in his face won't work. It's not fair to me though--I need to be mad!!!
ahsumgurl909 Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I just wanted to make a suggestion because sometimes when we hold on to stuff and keep letting it manifest within our minds and eventually our hearts (where our trust lays) then we find ourselves stressed, angry, and untrusting. When wisely we know that nipping things in the bud through calm communication can build twenty years into a new beginning. LadyJane as a woman that has been in this for that long I know you know your man inside and out and to have something like this happen and not seeing it can really piss us off. I know it would me. That just may be where your anger is coming from. Maybe I don't know. (Just trying to figure a way for you to get this taken care of. Knowing things like this can take full control of our daily lives. I would like to help suggest something to help you feel better. I wish you luck. And hope everything gets worked out for you. Just don't forget about that saying. "AND THIS TOO SHALL PASS!" BTW yes I think your H is a jerk for going there without consenting with you first. And if he had and you said no, then he should honor your wishes. You're his wife and he must respect you. Has he apologized or promised not to do it again? I bet it truly sucks for you. If I was in your shoes, when ever he was late or said he had to work late or what ever. I would be like yeah RIGHT!. And mind F___ myself into a zillion senerios before he got home. And then falsely accuse him or question him to no end. This is the part of having a partner I find the most difficult because TRUST is #1 factor. I am growing to learn that for married couples especially. That you must establish ways of being unafraid of telling each other everything. No matter what it may be. And it takes a lot of understanding from both parties to accomplish that. We women have to do all the work in our relationships most men just don't know what women want and what we want is so simple. If they could just see that life would be so much easier yeah? Well take care and dont let this thing take you out. Your a woman your capable of doing anything. And I don't think it had anything to do with you not being all you can be for him. Men are just like that.
ahsumgurl909 Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Hmm... male bashing... how original. Men are awesome I believe! Specially when you handle things with them in the right manner. I know some women are different (Like Jeff Foxworthy says that his wife has been training him and used a real life situation to discribe it) I don't think any training needs to be done on either part. Just open mindedness and understanding. I happen to understand men so I know that, not all but most men would be glad to ask their wife if they could go with the fellas to the club. But lack the confidence due to past experiences with their wife disagreeing about something. Yet if the wife responded in a more positive way about the negitive things men would be more willing to be more open and honest. IMO is all I am saying. My Point is we need to guide each other on the journey. And if you do it right you will both be happily married. I know couples that have been together forever it seems. And most of them have qualities we can all learn from. #1 being TRUST. And if I was man bashing you would most likly find it pretty interesting. I know my SO does!! Just Kidding:lmao:
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