I cheated but how much more should I take?

[dinnerwithdelores]

Since I officially moved out back in late Sept. I have seen my ex a few times. But when I see him there are times when he says mean things to me. For example, I'm applying for this job and he tells me that they take anyone that is a minority and a female.(He is white) I was very offended by this because I'm busting my ass to get this job and he acts as if Im not intelligent enough to get in. The other day I went to his house and when I was leaving he calls me dummy and I said to him dont call me that and he tells me I thought that was your first name.He calls me crazy or tells me that I need counseling.

 

That is only a sample of how he talks to me. The other thing is that I'm so confused as to what he wants. He told me for several months to move on. Now I ask him if he wants to get back he tells me I don't know. My family was visiting the other night from Puerto Rico and my cousin is getting married in August. She asked him if he was going to go to her wedding and he told her yes. He was checking out all of the rates for the hotels for us to stay there for 5 days. Now if he doesnt want to be with me why is he making plans with me 5 months down the road.

 

Finally, that day at his house he just said casually that he might be moving to Germany for 2 yrs. He said he would know in a few months. I asked him what about us then he tells me that I could visit. I said to him if we are atleast suppose to be friends why would he not tell me? I said to him that if I got called for he job and had to move to DC he knows that I would tell him. Then he tells me that if he moves to Germany (for work) that I can move in with him if we got back together.

 

I dont understand this because he sleeps with me yet he wont kiss me on the mouth. I will only get a peck. He still takes all of my phone calls but hardly ever calls. I'm at the point where I feel like screw this and to just move on. I cheated on him and I tried to make it up in 101 ways. I gave him the keys to my apt and told him that he is welcome to come at anytime. I gave him all of my passwords including the password to my cell phone. I just wanted to try to gain back atleast a small percentage of his trust. The other night I asked him if he sold my engagement ring and he told me no and I asked him why doesnt he just sell it and he didnt really have an answer.

 

I just can't take this anymore. I'm not a bad person but he makes me feel like crap and I guess this is just my pay back but when is enough enough?

[norajane]

Only you can answer that question of how much more you should take.

 

For me, the fact that he calls you dummy would be more than enough to dump him. I don't know why you would accept anyone into your life that calls you dummy.

 

As to the rest, you are not exes if you are still seeing each other and still having sex. Nor are you in a loving relationship, either, seeing as how he treats you.

 

I haven't read your other threads, but you say you cheated on him. Do you think he's only treating you like this because he's still upset about the cheating? Or did he treat you like this before you cheated? If he has always treated you like this, then you know you need to dump him. If this is recent, then you need to sit down with him and tell him what your boundaries are and find out what kind of relationship he wants, what you want, and if those two things go together.

 

Personally, like I said, I'd dump anyone that called me a dummy.

[mrmaximum]

We all know that cheating is despicable but that is no reason that he should be treating you like this. You are being a doormat to this man. YOu should just leave and let him sort out his feelings BUT not before tellimg him what you have told us. You are nobody's doormat, yeah?

[Sup]

It's not good that he's saying bad things to ya. I read that you cheated, but, you never stated why, not that that is ever a reason to cheat. There's NO reason to cheat, EVER. There's NO reason to try to kill yourself, so DON'T do that. Was he saying bad things before the cheating? If not, it seems to me that he's trying to get his form of revenge, by hurting you verbally, emotionly, and mentally, because you know that he's having thoughts of you and OM going at it. I would break this off now. The answer to your other question, why is he still having sex with you but not kissing? It may repulse him to kiss you after knowing that you were not only kissing another man, but having sex with him. His self esteem is probably shot right now, (by the cheating, I dunno if you told him the details of what happened, etc.) But, he's probably still having sex with you because he may feel that no one else will sleep with him, like I said, lack of self esteem. Maybe he still thinks you are still cheating on him, from what's going on here, it still looks like he's having trust issues. I'm sorry, but, DON'T marry this man.

[dinnerwithdelores]

Well, we definitely aren't together and I definitely don't have the title as his girlfriend. I just have been trying to win him back but it is taking the life out of me.He use to talk to me in a certain way before I cheated on him and he was working on it to not talk to me like that anymore. But when I cheated that is when he went back to his old self.

 

Sometimes I question myself and think maybe I'm being to sensitive. But I feel like he is being really disrespectful to me because he knows that it hurts me and bothers me. I cheated on him yes and I will never try to condone it but I just don't know how much I should take of it because I almost feel like I deserve it.

 

He once told me that he wished that he dated an ugly girl and then this would have never happened. I have done everything possible and he treats me sooooo bad now. He has brought down my self esteem so much. I feel really stupid whenever Im around him. I have a Masters and he always use to tell me that just because I have an MS doesnt mean that I have common sense. There is just a certain way to talk to people.

 

He has called me so many other things that I'd rather not say but I guess my guilt is making me feel like I should take the punishment. Id much rather have him punch me in my face instead of taking this treatment. I ask him if he wants to hangout he will tell me well see and have me hanging on his call. One day he says move on the other day he says I dont know. He talks down to me all of the time and yet he will sit there hugging me when he is watching tv.

 

It's like does he want me or not. Or am I just here to take his abuse because of what I did. I asked him what are we now F*** Buddies since he wont give me anything else. He tells me well I was going to make you my wife and you screwed that up. In other words I feel like Im worth nothing to him. I really feel like not calling him anymore because this is just too much for me. Or do I keep trying?

[Bryanp]

I have to ask you what did you expect to happen when you cheated on him? Did you think he would love you more? Surely you must have thought about the consequences that your actions would bring. Why did you cheat in the first place if you thought he was thinking of marrying you?

[dinnerwithdelores]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t111552/

 

Since you asked why I did what I did see my post. I didn't expect to be treated like a queen after I did what I did. But how do 2 wrongs make a right. I have tried every way to make it up to him.

• Got his initials tattooed on my back (bad idea I guess)
  
• gave him all of my pass words to all of my email accounts and voicemail. Gave him the key to my apt.
  
• Before I moved out I Had dinner cooked for him every night when he got home from work and always greeted him with a hug and smile at the door. I also got out of bed at midnight if he got home late from work to serve him dinner. (did this before and after I did what I did)
  
• Bought him a digitil camera for Christmas because I knew that he was suppose to go away and he needed a camera
  
• Got up to give him back massages whenever he wanted
  
• Did his laundry ironed his clothes called him all of the time before and after I cheated. I gave him all of the attention before and after.

There are a ton of things that Im leaving out. Me trying to kill myself was a stupid move. But now I'm subjected to his hurtful words. I have never tried to excuse what I did. But like I asked before when is enough enough?

[Bryanp]

Based on what you have written I would certainly say enough is enough. It sounds like you have learned your lesson well and hopefully in your next relationship it will be much better for you. I wish you luck.

[dinnerwithdelores]

OK. When my ex came back from a trip I slept over his house and I asked him if we could get back together. He said how about us just spending more time together and take it slow. So I immediately agreed because it was a big change from him always telling me to move on and find someone else. So since March I have seen him every weekend sleeping over his house 2 to three nights a week. He gave up going to see a boxing fight with his friends to spend time with me. He paid for us to go to Bermuda for my cousins wedding in August. I went to his job and he introduced me to everyone (as his ex) but he still introduced me. So everything seems to be going well even though we are not officially back together.

 

So I'm very lucky and I will NEVER screw up on him again. Now his mother (who doesn't know that I cheated on him) and my Aunt is asking me wen are we going to get married. My aunt wants me to bring it up to him but I feel because after what I did that I don't have a right to ask about marriage. But I'm going to be 36 this year and I want to have kids. Do I have a right to bring it up? My aunt feels that I should only wait so long and she feels that if he doesnt ask that I would only be wasting my time and I might become bitter if I dont have kids. So does a cheater have a right to bring up marriage? Especially since she has learned her lesson? Do I have rights?

[BonneKarma]

In many ways this sounds so similar to something I went through, let me tell you a little background and what I learned:

 

When my ex-husband and I met I thought he was so sweet, he was a nice quiet guy and we had many things in common. What I didn't seem to pay attention to were all the warning signs of a possessive and jealous guy from the very beginning. After two years together I still hadn't really clued into the fact that his jealousy was worrisome, I still kind of thought it was sweet. Unfortunately, my subconcious had clued in already and I kissed another guy as a way of acting out and to try and feel better about myself. I had immense feelings of guilt and confessed a week later. At the time I realized that if I could kiss another man I must not be in the right relationship and so I ended things and moved out. Another couple of weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I talked with my ex and he swore he could forgive me and give me another chance. We decided to get married and raise our child together (I'm simplifying to make this not so long).

 

As it turns out, all the signs from the beginning were of a man with low self-esteem and poor trust in women. Our relationship only got worse and worse and I took all manner of verbal abuse believing, like you, that I somehow deserved it. It took me two years to realize that in order to love myself and love my son properly I couldn't be with this man.

 

I still hold myself responsible for cheating and know that it's a behaviour I never want to repeat. Cheating for me was a symptom of an already poor relationship, not the cause. But no one ever deserves to be treated badly, and if the relationship has gone down that road it will never change regardless of how much of a martyr you try to be and take it. Realizing that changed my life and gave me back my self-confidence. Take yours back too, you deserve it.

 

And for the record, I heard many of the same things "If I dated an unattractive woman this would have never happened." Think about that statement and what it says about the person who could say something like that.

 

You can do better. Be strong for yourself and your future. When you regain your self-confidence you will look back at this situation with new eyes. You'll learn to set limits on what type of behaviour you expect from a partner and you'll respect yourself enough not to cheat again.

 

This will all work out, but you need to cut ties with this man for the sake of both of you.

 

good luck.