Walk Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 My bf blew up at me (again) for not "asking" if I can help him. This time it was with doing the dishes last night. I'm sick of it. He's gotten mad at me 5 times in three weeks. For not "asking" if I can do something before doing it. F'ing power trip for him. A control thing or something. I know all the people on here are sick of hearing about it. Just... I figured since I never said anything about how I felt it was wrong of him specifically to him, then I owed it to myself and to him to stand up for myself before just quitting. I feel I should let him know how I feel so he will have the chance to do something about it. Assuming he understands, or even wants to be with me. I don't know... I'm not even hurt anymore. That's not a good sign. He gets mad at me, starts telling me how I waited until he was 90% done with dishes and stuff until I go out there. He said that I do it so I will feel like I've "contributed" and done my fair share of the work load. And he thought that was bunk. That I "stole his thunder". And it irritated him that I would do that. THen he asks me "Why do you do that?". So I told him... Why the hell should I answer when you've already decided on reasons for my actions. Which he took offense too. THen he starts in about "Why can't you just ask a question?" And starts listing off how I cna't ask my instructors questions about how to do projects, that I can't ask my parents to explain why they give my brother a house and a new car, how I can't just ask him a simple question about 'can i help with the dishes'. Then asks me again "Why can't you ask questions?" At that point I get pissed. Ask him what the **** I'm supposed to ask the instructor when all he says is "Read the book". And what would I possibly ask my parents that I don't already know the answer to. And why the hell would I ask him if I can help dry the dishes, when he won't extend the same curteousy to me?? And why should I ask him when he's going to say no, then get mad a week later about how I never help. That it's okay for him to not ask me if he can help, but it's not ok for me. At which point he starts saying how it's because we have different outlooks and we aren't the same person, and that I've never expressed that it bothered me so he shouldn't have to ask if I've never said he should. I went to bed. He slept on the couch. He wouldn't say a word to me this morning... and I'm still fighting mad about it. I'd like to discuss it rationally with him, but I'm still pissed about his comment where he said I had an easy life and his was soooooo damn hard he barely made it through the day. This from the guy who hasn't had a job in three weeks. I'm owed some f'ing respect. I work damn hard, in school, at work, in this relationship. I'm the easiest going, most laid back person I know, and I've gotta get my ass jumped nearly twice a week for not "asking" if it's okay if I help?? Whatever. Anyway... I owe a big apology to Ipanac and Touche. I'm sorry for being a closed minded, ignorant little brat. You were right. I was very wrong.
bab Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Walk, you know this type of fighting isn't normal right? Healthy couples do not fight over these type of things. Is this really how you want to spend the next 50 years?? At some point you've got to cut your losses.
allina Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 I think this situation is tough for some to deal with because it goes and goes in circles. He responds to you acting like a bratty little sh*t for no reason and you try to adjust your actions/attitude to make him not be a bratty little sh*t. But, no matter what you do to please him he's still a bratty little sh*t. It's nothing you do wrong. Can you just sit him down and ask him why he acts like a pissy 5 year old and explain that you expect better from your "man"
Art_Critic Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 When you are posting advice to people on LS that need help you have some of the best, well thought out and intelligent responses of anybody here on LS. You put a great deal of thought and care into your answers and the advice you give is almost always perfect.. Re-read your OP as if you didn't write it and you were answering the OP ... what would your post say ?
Touche Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Art and Bab are right on, Walk. Not much I can add to that. I do want to say this though. You owe me NO apology. (In fact, I owe you one for never responding to your kind PM...so sorry. Didn't mean to ignore you but I deleted it by accident and meant to respond later on and forget to...forgive me?) I think you already know you don't deserve this crap. It's petty and ridiculous. It's just not the stuff a long-term successful relationship is made of. But you already know all of that. I really agree with Bab. And I think now is the time to finally cut your losses. You're not going to meet the man for you if you wast more time with this guy. Don't be an idiot like me. I wasted NINE damn years on the wrong man. Always trying to make it work. Always being pissed off about something. Please don't waste any more precious time. If it hasn't worked out by now, in my opinion, it isn't going to. Be strong, Walk!
Sand&Water Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 RE: Walk. Please relax. Calm down, and think about this. IF you don't discuss this with him right away -and I mean right away, the internal friction/frustration will build up. Actually, your anger will just dissolve -and later, you will have nothing to say to him. This is not what I want to say, I think I need to get my point across in another way. Anyways, Communicate, please. Sand&Water
Lauriebell82 Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 i'm going to go back to my default advice that i gave u before..u said u talked to him before about what was going on? did things get better? even temporarily? obviously that didnt solve much in the manner that its still happening. usually communication and talking out problems works, if the both partners are willing to work on it. do u think ur bf is no longer willing? i'm hesitant to tell u to break up with him. it seems like he's been treating u like crap lately. how old is he by the way? u said u were married before so i'm guessing u two are older. well he's acting very immature and immature people should not be in adult relationships. u've really helped me out with my other minor problems so now its time to help u. obviously this is going to get worse. if talking to him calmly and rationally isnt working, then maybe u should think about taking a break from each other for awhile. i know that would be a hard thing to do, but if u cant find any other way to work things out than the only thing left to do is cut ur losses like everyone else said.
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Walk, LS is YOUR place to vent, and talk...Do it as much as you need to. And, don't be sorry. The little things he's getting pissed off about are all just other symptoms of your relationship and how you two interact with eachother. Or how he is in general... It's just really starting to seem like you two are not meant to be - That has nothing to do with love - It's just an unhealthy relationship. How he treats you, how he is, his moods - and the buttons he pushes so he gets a reaction out of you so he can have all the control. He doesn't bring out the best in you, Walk. You have a huge loving heart and the fool boyfriend of yours is stomping on it!!
the_alchemyst Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 I remember reading something a poster said to you once. Something about how you try to twist yourself into a pretzel in order to please him in every which way, and how he was never satisfied, even despite your effort. I really think that this is one of the best advice you had received because it evokes such vivid imagery of how much you try to make things work, even at the cost of your own comfort. Sure, I think that people do need to adjust certain things every now and then in order to have a more peaceful relationship, but I think what you have done is more than enough. Too much, even. Too much to be healthy--for you. If it hasn't worked out by now, in my opinion, it isn't going to. Many times I completely disagree with Touche, but I have to say that when it comes to relationship advice--especially of this kind--her opinions should really be taken into consideration.
Touche Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Thank you so much, Alch. That was nice of you. So you're saying that everyone should listen to me when it comes to relationship advice but ignore anything else that I have to say? Well, seriously if I really do have good advice it comes from walking the hard walk. (No pun intended, Walk! ) I didn't even have a relationship that lasted over a year until I was almost 25. And that one was a disaster! An on and off nightmare that lasted nine years (my ex.) One time we even separated for a year and I dated quite a bit but just couldn't get over him. And most of us know how THAT square peg/round hole relationship/marriage turned out! Can you say DIVORCE after less than three years? And now I've been happily married for almost 12 years...together nearly 13. So I think I do have some good advice to impart here. I know what bad relationships look AND feel like. I know how to spot them. I know what they should look like. And I call 'em as I see 'em. This one has almost NO chance, Walk. I'm sorry but it really doesn't. I can sit here and spout off a bunch of things I don't like about my spouse and they would all be laughable to you. None of them would include anything on the order of what you bring up on a regularly basis. The way he snaps at you, ignores you, makes you feel like a pest, and on and on. That's NOT the way a man who really has your best interest at heart and loves you acts. It's just not.
kitten chick Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 I haven't read all of the responses but this is the first post of yours that I've read since I came back. It's resoundingly similar to the ones I read a year ago. I'm so sorry that you're still going through this. You're such a good person and you deserve a good, healthy relationship. I hope that you're able to find it. Hugs
the_alchemyst Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Thank you so much, Alch. That was nice of you. So you're saying that everyone should listen to me when it comes to relationship advice but ignore anything else that I have to say? No, Touche. Maybe I worded it wrong. What I was trying to say is that I generally enjoy reading your opinions, even if I disagree with them most of the time. However, your posts in regards to relationships, especially ones that deal with these sorts of problems, are particularly good, imo. Maybe it's because they hit close to home or something that I appreciate them. That's all.
Touche Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 No, Touche. Maybe I worded it wrong. What I was trying to say is that I generally enjoy reading your opinions, even if I disagree with them most of the time. However, your posts in regards to relationships, especially ones that deal with these sorts of problems, are particularly good, imo. Maybe it's because they hit close to home or something that I appreciate them. That's all. No, you didn't word anything wrong, Alch. I knew what you meant. I was just joking. Anyway, again..thanks so much. That's really nice to hear.
Author Walk Posted February 20, 2007 Author Posted February 20, 2007 I can't find any time to post a response!! that and my internet is giving me problems. sorry for the delay. i'll post an update asap though.
hotgurl Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Walk he has been treating you like this for a long time now. And you have always made excuses for his behavior. He is not going to change. He feels it is ok to treat you this way but expects you to treat him better than he treats you. Would he put up with half the stuff you do? If the situation was reversed would he accept this treatment from you. You deserve to be happy. In a healthy supportive relatoinship. You are definatly jumping through too many hoops. I always thought you felt that you had to put up with it because he was supporting you.
blind_otter Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Walk he has been treating you like this for a long time now. And you have always made excuses for his behavior. He is not going to change. He feels it is ok to treat you this way but expects you to treat him better than he treats you. Would he put up with half the stuff you do? If the situation was reversed would he accept this treatment from you. You deserve to be happy. In a healthy supportive relatoinship. You are definatly jumping through too many hoops. I always thought you felt that you had to put up with it because he was supporting you. I agree with HG. I thought you put up with all the crapola because he was supporting you. Now that isn't the case, and the crapola continues. At what point does this become an emotionally abusive relationship?
Author Walk Posted February 22, 2007 Author Posted February 22, 2007 update: Not sure I really got my point across very well to him, but here's the gist of the "arguments". Well.. I blew up at him. Told him that I was tired of getting my ass jumped for not "asking" if I can do stuff. That he was being a control freak, trying to engineer my actions so that I would continue to "owe" him. That he refused my help because he wanted to be able to use it against me in the future, and so he could say he does soooo much for me while I do so little for him. And that I was (explative, explative) over it. I don't know if he really understands. He insisted he wasn't doing it to be controlling, but had wanted to do the dishes on his own because it made him feel like he was contributing. He said he hadn't been trying to "jump my ass" and he didn't think his wording was mean or harsh, and if it was then he was sorry, but he didn't think it was... I told him I was sick and tired of getting my ass jumped every week. THat I would appreciate it if when he did have a problem, if when he brought it up he could NOT assign me selfish, self-serving motives prior to asking me "why" I did something. That it really made me defensive and I wasn't going to answer him in a open, communicative way if he approached it like that. I told him that I was really disappointed in an discussion we'd had last week. He'd started off about how he realized a lot of our arguments in the past years were caused by the fact that he wasn't good at communicating what he expected or needed from me, and that he'd then get mad at me for it. And I told him, up to that point I was thinking "Wow. he's finally got it. Maybe this relationship does have a future"... but then he'd gone straight into how I don't ask enough questions, that I needed to ask more.. blah blah.. basically, not out right telling me it was my fault but implying I contributed heavily to the problems by not "asking" more questions. I explained that he could shove that where the sun don't shine. He either starts acknowledging taking responsibility for his feelings and actions, or I didn't want any part of the relationship anymore... etc. etc.. Maybe it helped, maybe it didn't. I don't know if I was as clear as I needed to be about what I felt the problem was. I was having a hard time communicating it. And he'd try to take it down to the level of this one particular argument (the dishes), and it's not the dishes I had a problem with... it's the whole three weeks. The jumping my ass. The making me ask to do something. making me ask for something. Making me ask what's wrong. then making me ask how to fix it. And that I wasn't going to play that game anymore. Either the same rules applied to each, or I was calling bunk and walking. So.. all in all. I don't know. He seems to be making an effort. But I don't know if that will last, or if he'll revert right back to what's normal for him. Maybe he just agreed and secretly was thinking he'd just shut me up by agreeing. Maybe he realizes there are better ways to approach thigns. Maybe he'll try to change. I don't know....
milvushina Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 So.. all in all. I don't know. He seems to be making an effort. But I don't know if that will last, or if he'll revert right back to what's normal for him. Maybe he just agreed and secretly was thinking he'd just shut me up by agreeing. Maybe he realizes there are better ways to approach thigns. Maybe he'll try to change. I don't know.... From things you've said, it sounds like he has gone through cycles of trying and reverting back, a time or two before. It is good to show your SO compassion and determination to do the best you can in your relationship, but please consider that it is just as important to be able make the call if he just can't keep from returning to inacceptable behavior. I am sorry for your situation, I know how discouraging it is and sad.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 well its good u got all ur feelings out walk. at least he is trying to take steps to make things better for u. i really do hope he can change for ur sake. but honestly, if its one thing i've learned from past relationships, bfs who say they are going to change their ways usually dont in the long run. sure they will try for awhile, but the behavior is so ingrained that it wont stop. give him one more chance to stop treating u like crap and if he doesnt than unfortunately u know what u have to do.
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