alasia Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Ok...I'm shaking as I write this. I suddenly got a feeling I should check my messages on the 02 website, so I did; and found this text message, sent at 10.45 this morning: "Just2let u know. I want 2b with wendy but I know I havent a hope now.+yes we did sleep together. Had 2get it off my chest." It's from my ex. Wendy is a woman that's his age, and she and Phil made my life a misery for the first 3 months of our relationship - he was driving Wendy around all the time, running errands for her, going to meet her at weird times (like 8am) and whenver she'd phone, he'd tell me to keep quiet so she didn't hear that I was there. He swore she was just a friend, even when she stayed over at our place when I wasnt there (he said she took the bed, he had the sofa). I believed him, and eventually he told her he couldn't contact her anymore. I actually sent her a text message once asking if anything had gone on, and she said it hadn't; that she hadn't ever cheated on anyone and wouldn't start now. So to get this message was such a shock...I cabn't stop shaking and I have no idea if it's true or not - why is he doing this?! Maybe because he knows I went out with a male friend on Saturday, saw me with him and I didn't speak to Phil, or just to hurt me...or is he really trying to get it off his chest? Please help...I'm trying my best to stop myself from contacting him at the moment. Almost went running out to his place to get the full story!
ratingsguy Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Without knowing much more than what you've posted, I don't know how much of a help I'm going to be. However, you did mention that this was your ex... so why are you concerned? The relationship is over. I understand that you probably still have feelings for this person and you feel very betrayed right now. And you should feel that way. But this person is part of your past right now. Yet he continues to hurt you. Block his number if you can. If you've been in NC, stick to the NC. Don't respond to him. Likely, the more you find out from him, the worse you will feel. I'm sorry you're going through this right now. But now is the time to cut him out of your life completely. Good luck.
Pink Amulet Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Use this for strength. What could be worse than finding our your ex cheated on you? Finding out your boyrfriend cheated on you. Just be glad you managed to break free from that inarticulate scum sooner rather than later!!!
Author alasia Posted February 19, 2007 Author Posted February 19, 2007 I haven't contacted him, not going to. Why would he say he's interested in Wendy anyway? His lovelife is none of my business, he's said that himself before. Personally I think it's because he hasn't heard from me in a few days - I went from constantly contacting him, to nothing. Plus he saw me out with another guy on Saturday and I didn't speak to my ex once. I don't see how he could have slept with Wendy, apart from the two nights that she stayed at his place when I wasn't there - the rest of the time I was always around him; he was that possessive that I never went anywhere without him. Pink Amulet - I see your point, but he dumped me. I'd feel better if it was the other way around. Without knowing much more than what you've posted, I don't know how much of a help I'm going to be. However, you did mention that this was your ex... so why are you concerned? The relationship is over. I understand that you probably still have feelings for this person and you feel very betrayed right now. And you should feel that way. But this person is part of your past right now. Yet he continues to hurt you. Block his number if you can. If you've been in NC, stick to the NC. Don't respond to him. Likely, the more you find out from him, the worse you will feel. My threads are all over this forum if you want to read the back story He 'went on a break' on the 30th december but we slept together about 7 times over the next 6 weeks. He kept stringing me along; sometimes saying he still had feelings for me and sometimes he didn't. Last time we slept together was last Sunday, so no; I'm nowhere near over him yet. I saw him on Saturday but didn't talk to him, and I haven't contacted him since so I was wonderring why he'd suddenly send this message. No need for it really.
RocketMan2 Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Because of the NC, thats why hes contacting you. For the first time hes having difficulty coping, hes used to you running after him no matter how he treats you. All of a sudden you aren't there and he doesnt know how to react. Be strong, Dont rise to his provocation. You're doing well Rocket
riobikini Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 re: RatingsGuy: " you did mention that this was your ex... so why are you concerned? The relationship is over.." Alaisa, I agree with RG. Focus on the *fact* that it's a *past* relationship. Even if you find it irresistable to know more -it's almost always best to wait a l-o-o-ng time before you go back and lift up the lid to the garbage can where old relationships belong. Put *time* and *distance* between you and the old hurts -you need strength and a more rational perspective to deal with them. -Rio
Author alasia Posted February 19, 2007 Author Posted February 19, 2007 Thanks Rocket Doesn't change the fact that it could be true though - made me think of the conversations we've had over the past couple of weeks; he's kept using Wendy as a way of hurting me - so far over the past 2 weeks, he's said he made a mistake picking me over her, he got on better with her than he did me (they could talk more), I said I think he only stayed with me because Wendy didn't want him and he said "maybe you're right" and he also said he'd ask her out if he saw her again (she lives in his town and he knows where she lives and works). But even when he was saying all that he always maintained that he'd never cheated on me and never would have done. Until today, which makes me think it must be true. Although...he's never felt the urge to get anything 'off his chest' before. The thought that they'd slept togetehr just makes me feel so stupid, and kind of sick too - we were trying for a baby so weren't using protection - what if he wasn't with her either?! I could have caught anything! I also want to say, he knows Wendy is a major sore-point for me, so this could just be his way of trying to hurt me even more. I don't think he's stoop so low as to say things that aren't true just to hurt me, though.
justagirliegirl Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 You are trying for a baby with someone you are broken up with and the relationship is rocky when you were together. Bring a baby into the world is difficult in the best of relationships. As hard as it is you have to stop sleeping with him and seeing him. He still is into this other girl and it looks like it has been that way off and on your entire relationship. You have to let him go as he is using you. Go get tested for STDs too as you have no idea what he has been doing.
Author alasia Posted February 19, 2007 Author Posted February 19, 2007 I'm already pregnant; found out about 4 days after we split up. And I'm not still seeing or sleeping with him; the last time was last Sunday but that was a mistake and now he says he never wants to see me again. I miss him, but don't want to see him. Just don't get why he had to tell me this now!
a4a Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 This is how he is reacting to you being pregnant. He does not want a child with you and he is treating you this way because he is angry because you are pregnant. So are you prepared to be a single mom? None of his crap matters at this point. ........ doesn't matter if he sends you a tape with him having sex with Wendy. You have more important things to think about. Just ignore him. I can see him down the road causing many more problems since you have a child together. Wait until he comes to visit the child and has a new gf, you have a bf....... oh the drama will escalate. If it were me.... I would worry about my own life, get him completely out of mine and have nothing to do with him.
justagirliegirl Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Yes nothing but drama with this jerk for the next 18 years unless he disappears. Are you planning to keep the baby?
Author alasia Posted February 19, 2007 Author Posted February 19, 2007 He's not seeing the baby. He had the opportunity to be involved and he told me straight out he wants nothing to do with me or the baby - but may develop feelings for the baby once it's born. It's not happening; he's a violent-when-drunk, selfish, self-obsessed apparent cheat with ego issues. I'm not subjecting my child to that, he'd never be a proper dad to him/her so the baby is better off without him. As am I. My pride's just a bit dented at the moment, I'll get over it.
a4a Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 He's not seeing the baby. He had the opportunity to be involved and he told me straight out he wants nothing to do with me or the baby - but may develop feelings for the baby once it's born. It's not happening; he's a violent-when-drunk, selfish, self-obsessed apparent cheat with ego issues. I'm not subjecting my child to that, he'd never be a proper dad to him/her so the baby is better off without him. As am I. My pride's just a bit dented at the moment, I'll get over it. Got news if you make him pay he will be seeing that baby..... part of the control issue and also his right. Perhaps you could get him to sign over parental rights? Not sure but if you collect a govt check/ welfare services I think they will force him to pay....if you want him to or not. (not familiar with the laws on this but I believe the state would ask for $)....... If you actually are keeping this child and he is a threat to you. Best figure out what route to take. Or not claim him as the father on paper. why don't you move? Then move on with your life instead of dragging a child into this mess with him?
Spinderella Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 I dont want to scare you, but it's not easy as all that to stop a father from seeing their own child, even when the father is really messed up. Therefore this is only the beginning and you will have to get used to this kind of behaviour for a long time to come. Also he would be able to see the child without you around and have some control over the childs life. You wont be able to just clean cut him out of it. I agree with a4a that he is angry at you for being pregnant. What were your reasons for discussing the pregnancy with him so soon? Why do you care about him sleeping with Wendy, you think he is an a**hole right? You want him out of your life right? Therefore you would be indifferent about who he slept with, in fact, you would be glad he slept with Wendy. I'm not trying to be harsh, but, until you work out your feelings about him, it ill be hard to make the clearest and best plans for you and the baby, and its best to start that sooner rather than later.
justagirliegirl Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 True if he wanted to see the baby he could get the courts to force you to. Can I ask if you knew he was so horrible why you were trying to have a baby with him?
Guest Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 He stated he had to get it off his chest. I saw no apology in there at all so its still about what makes him feel better. He's gonna have to do alot better than that. Ignore it.
Spinderella Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Can I ask if you knew he was so horrible why you were trying to have a baby with him? I suppose things arent always so clear when you are emotionally involved and stuck in the middle. But what is important is what to do now. Firstly stand back and get some perspective, which you wont do without a good bit of NC. Change your email address or block him. Work out your emotions about him and then make preparations for when the baby is born. Do you have a good support structure?
Author alasia Posted February 20, 2007 Author Posted February 20, 2007 Can I ask if you knew he was so horrible why you were trying to have a baby with him? He wasn't horrible at the time, I was naive and stupid and he said he wanted a baby too. We talked about it a lot, but obviously should have left it a LOT longer than we did. To those people that said I couldn't stop him seeing the baby if he wants to; he doesn't want to. Well at the moment, he's saying he "might" have feelings for the baby once it's born, but he doesn't at the moment. He's also always told me that if I stopped him seeing the baby, he'd accept it because I'm "the sole carer" and it's up to me. He wouldn't fight to see the child. I had my first scan today and did consider giving/showing him the scan pic; just because despite everything, he is the father of the baby so I sort of feel like he has a right to see the scan photos. I don't think it'd stir up any paternal feeelings in him though, so what's the point?
LakesideDream Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Chaos, insecurity, and gross immaturity. Unbelievable, "making a baby" one day, and a week later "broken up" with the "jerk". Sounds like another child the government will have to support as well. The 21st century is not an age of personal responsibility. That being said, with all the drama, why would you care what he does with Wendy, Mr. Ed, or Bozo? Part of being a grown up and a parent is making decisions. You need to make the decision to cut this guy loose.
lorr Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Keep your chin up. Best thing you can do is not rise to the bait, its obvious he's trying to get a reaction out of you because he knows deep down that you will eventually and willingly respond to him. Just ignore him....
a4a Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 I popped in and saw the "showing the scan" post....... why?? Why do you want him around? He sounds like a nut job, not capable of being responsible, actually sounds like he has some serious issues. Why would showing him a scan pic even cross your mind. I guess you do want him in your life, but he will be as he is now. Not the fantasy man and father you are dreaming up.
Author alasia Posted February 20, 2007 Author Posted February 20, 2007 It's purely because I believe a child should be able to see both it's parents. And I suppose, partly because I feel guilty that I brought a child into such a mesed up situation, so if I can try and get Phil to see the babyb at least it'll be ever so slightly less messed up than it is now! But what's better for the child is a sane, rational mother who's not being messed up mentally by her ex and running around after him like some sort of fruitloop! Believe it or not, my mental attitude has changed over the past few days, since I started the NC. Of course it hurts that he's admitted he thinks he wants to be with Wendy - just as it hurts that he keeps saying he made a mistake choosing me and that I'm "evil". It's bound to; the break up is still raw and I delayed myself moving on by running around after him for 5-6 weeks. If he still loved me, and if he was willing to change almost completely, then I'd consider taking him back because I really did love him. But he doesn't love me, he doesn't want to come back and he couldn't ever change, so I've accepted the fact we're just exes and that's all we'll ever be, and I'm ready to move on. The other day he texted to say he wanted to be friends, but I can't do that yet. It'd kill me to hear about wendy or any other woman he's interested in; I even got a bit upset when he said his workmates had bought him two new pet rats! He loved my rats But it's all silly and I'll get over that eventually...and maybe one day we can become friends. For now though, I'm ok with not contacting him. Honest
shockandawed Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Alasia. I have been following your situation as well. I have nothing to add that the others haven't already. Trust me, everyday you avoid any contact with him, you will feel a tad better. Soon, you will be in a much better frame of mind. I have been total N/C for two weeks and it is absolutely amazing the difference. Sounds like you are starting to think about your priorities better. Keep it up girl!!!!
kimba Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 I've sort of followed your story from the start. You sound like the sweetest girl who is being used, and abused by a complete creep. I can't see his behaviour ever changing. Also because of his age. He is set in his ways. You deserve way better than this. Like someone said before- its always the same old story with you and him. Realise that it will never change. he will NEVER CHANGE. Do you still want to be posting on here about him in one year? Two years? TEN??? Its likely that you will. I've been there with these types of guys. They are not worth it. He is not the only guy in the world. Why do you feel that you are not worth more than this? That you are only worth the crumbs of attention that he gives you?? Every contact that you have with him results in copious postings on loveshack. I can tell you are a lovely decent girl. You are waaay too nice to this creep. Funny thing is, as soon as you DO completely cut yourself from him you will notice how uncomplicated your life is. Don't waste any more years on this guy. Do whatever it takes to get you and your unborn baby away from him. He's a loser.
Green Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 avoid all contact all the way till the kid is born, let the kid have every oportunity to know its parent, emotionaly forget this person dont bad mouth him to the kid.
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