My first ever boyfriend has a two and a half year old daughter. How do I cope?

[perdita]

I am twenty years old, and my boyfriend is twenty-four. He has a daughter from a previous relationship, and he is utterly devoted to her.

 

We have been going out for six months, and my boyfriend and I love each other and both feel that our relationship has the potential to last a lifetime. I have never had a boyfriend before, and I feel that with this guy I have hit the jackpot first try. He is gorgeous and cares deeply about me, and I really enjoy his company. However, the situation with his daughter complicates things greatly.

 

Her mother is willing to accept me as another 'parent figure' without any problems, and is also willing to let my boyfriend look after his daughter a lot even though he is not the full time parent - we usually have her at least two nights a week.

 

This situation has become more and more stressful for me as the full implications have sunk in. When the daughter is around, my boyfriend often has eyes only for her. And this is understandable, because he needs to make the most out of the time that he has, and because as a normal bright two and a half year old, she is highly demanding. Life with her is a constant string of "Come here!" "Play this with me!" "Stop talking!" "NO!" etc.

 

If we want to take her out anywhere, it is a massive mission to organise all the things that we need so that she can be entertained and have clean clothes. I really do like her, and do have some great times with her, especially when I tell her fairytales, read her books, and play games with her. But I also feel utterly worn out by having her around so much.

 

I don't want to sit back while my boyfriend is a parent. I am sometimes jealous of the bond that he and his daughter share, because it is beautiful and because it sometimes seems to knock me out of the way. And often she is also jealous of me for taking up her daddy's attention so much of the time when she feels that she should have it. If we're talking or cuddling, she'll often try to seperate us or make us shut up so she can have the spotlight.

 

For me, I feel that the solution comes from sharing parenting with him as best I can, both the fun and the tantrums, rather than considering myself outside it. But even though I'm fond of his daughter and she is fond of me, I don't love her yet. Often I'm just frustrated. While he's hanging out for the times that we spend with her, I'm hanging out for the times when she's not around and I can enjoy being with my boyfriend and not having to chase after a two year old. This is the first time I have ever been in love, and I'm young, and dammit I want to enjoy it. Instead I feel like I'm going to turn thirty-one this year rather than twenty-one and that my hair is going to turn grey from stress.

 

I often feel like I am totally ineffective and useless as a parent, and that I really have been thrown into the deep end by having to learn how to be one so fast, and to a child who is not mine. I hate myself for being jealous and resentful of the daughter my boyfriend adores so much.

 

To make matters worse, my boyfriend and I are living with his parents (we're planning on moving out in a few months' time when we can afford it), so a lot of my parental learning curve has had to take place in front of them. I don't feel at home in their house. As a kind of longterm house guest, I have little control over what goes on and how situations are dealt with. And I often feel that his mother is unhappy about having me around so much, even though we've never ended up in direct conflict. I've also had to tolerate his mother's incredibly sugary fake-enthusiastic manner with the daughter, which has caused a lot of headaches.

 

I would not give up this relationship for the world, but I feel like I am going crazy. If anyone has reassurance or advice on how to bond with the daughter better or just how to cope, I would greatly appreciate it. Also, I'd like to know if anyone knows of any online communities out there for non-parents who are partners of parents. All I've been able to find so far is stuff for stepparents where the advice seems to be tailored towards dealing with teenaged stepchildren and evil ex-wives and court battles, none of which is really relevant to me

[morag]

Hi!

I had to reply - only because I know pretty much exactly how you feel and a lot of what you said hit home pretty hard with me - in fact some of your sentences captured what I've been feeling for well over a year now, but haven't been able to say. You are right, it does feel like you've been thrown into the deep end and asked to love a child that you like, but you are just getting to know. And it is hard because yes, at least for me, I like the time spent with my boyfriend's son, but I like time for just us. And that is time that I feel my boyfriend doesn't always think about. For him it is when he has his son and well...often I feel like I'm just an after thought. All I know is that you are really young and if this is your first serious relationship... then you need to talk to your boyfriend about how you feel. Let him know how you feel and then see what happens. It isn't just about you making changes - he has to know how you feel too. Of course i say this without having had any success with doing it myself. But I have faith in people still, and I'm sure your boyfriend will appreciate how much you want to be a big part of his daughter's life, but that you are struggling with confidence to do so etc. He's had 2 years to get used to it. He can probably help you. But you aren't alone in feeling like you do. It is very frustrating and can be very lonely when you feel like you don't know what you are doing. But you're not alone, and chances are, if he worth his salt, he'll see what you are saying and really help you. Anyway probably this makes no sense, but when I read what you posted, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling this way!

[candy]

I have been wriitng myself of the perils of dating someone with kids, as I am now. its very difficult, and i could say talk to your boyfriend, tell him how you feel, and over time you will grow to care about his daughter. all true...what concerns me is how young you are! there are plenty of men out there, as good looking as him who will care about you as much. you should be out having fun at this age, living it up, or meeting someone wihtout all that baggage, of the kids, and the parents. ok, the daughter will only get older and easier to deal with, but i dont want you to resent her further later on when you realize how much of you ryouth you lost in thi srelationship. sorry if this sounds harsh..if i was younger and had the options you do i probably wouldn't even try to make it work with the present BF. she sounds like a handful!! decide wisely.....

[Jinxx]

All of your feelings are normal. I've been where you are and it is not an easy life to live if you so continue it. No matter how much you love your boyfriend, the reality of it is he has another child with another woman. No matter how good of a relationship you have with the child's mother, there will be many times you will feel like the outsider. Oh the sacrifices you will have to make in order to keep the peace.

 

Educate yourself. Read books about stepparenting. Join a stepparent forum and read their stories. It is not an easy life. Most relationships do not survive this type of life especially going in so young.

[norajane]

Your main problem is that you and your bf have only been going out for 6 months, and you are already living with him and playing mommy to his daughter.

 

That's way too serious for such a new relationship. You are still in the early stages of a relationship and should be getting to know each other - yet you are already living together. At your age especially, having to also be a step-parent to a child that you barely know, a child of a man that you barely know, is far too much responsibility and requires and emotional maturity and parenting skills you haven't had time to develop.

 

Why are you living with this man already? Why did you move into his parent's house? You have been taking things far too fast!

 

At this point, there is really nothing you can do except to accept the situation as it is. His daughter will always be a part of his life, so you will need to learn pretty quickly how to be responsible for a child. Jinxx made some good suggestions on how to get up to speed and find support for your situation.

 

Another option is that maybe you don't need to spend soooo much time at home when he has his daughter. You do have a life of your own, I would hope. Perhaps if you give him and his daughter some time alone, his daughter won't be quite as jealous of you being there all the time. She might want her father to herself for a little bit so that she feels special.

[candy]

Soo right, don't rush things! your way too young for that.....

[perdita]

I have been talking to him about things, which has been great.

 

The fact is, it took me a long time to find a guy who I liked this much, who I trusted enough to confide in, and I think I would be crazy to let him go. I had been looking for a boyfriend for so long and found no one who suited me (I am both picky and shy when it comes to guys, which is not a good combination). I had plenty of chances, believe me, but I turned them down. I’m an all or nothing person. I don’t do flings. I wanted a serious relationship or none at all. So in a way, I don’t think it’s surprising that I’m in my first relationship at twenty (having never even let a guy kiss me before this one came along), and I definitely don’t think it’s surprising that it’s a serious one.

 

My boyfriend and I had known each other for years before we started going out, as he’s the older brother of one of my closest friends. I was absolutely elated to discover that the guy who I had had a crush on since I was twelve years old had also been keen on me for a long time. Ever since the beginning of our relationship we have always seemed so right together, sharing jokes and confiding in each other about all sorts of things, including the way I feel about our situation. There are few people in this world who I can confide in the way I do with him. And while this makes it easier, it still doesn’t make it easy, as most stepparents would probably tell you.

 

The living together thing is somewhat complicated: possibly a more accurate way to explain the situation is to say that I’m living in two houses at the moment, with my parents and also with my boyfriend and his family. Recently, I realised that I spend a lot of days at home but almost all my nights at the boyfriend’s place, so technically I’m living there, if we want to say the place you live is the place you sleep. It happened gradually without either of us really deciding. Neither of us liked having nights apart, so we started having a lot of nights together, and then most nights together, and then virtually all nights together. I don’t know if that was the right way to do things, possibly it was too fast and if I was older and wiser I would have acted differently, but that’s how it happened. I feel like we may not have been going out all that long, but we still know each other inside out. When we had been together less than two weeks, it already felt like we had been together for months. So basically, I’m not living with a stranger, or someone I don’t know well (if that were the case, then I suspect I would disapprove of my actions too).

 

And I take full responsibility for my actions. If we do manage to make things work, and I get older and realize that I’ve spent my youth parenting when I should have been enjoying my youth and partying or something, then the only person I can blame for that is myself, not the daughter. I still manage to spend some time acting my age anyway, as every couple of weeks we get a weekend night where we don’t have the daughter around and can basically do what we like. I’m a fairly nerdy person, I doubt that even if he didn’t have a daughter I would want to do much more than that.

 

I am really really determined to make this work, and I think it is possible. It's just a matter of working out how.

[Knittress]

I have nothing to offer but perhaps some moral support.

 

I'm 23 and my boyfriend has a six year old. We've been together a year and a half and are now living together, and boy it's been stressful at times. You're lucky the mother likes you - I have to deal with a woman with an opposing and intolerant ideology telling her kid not to be in the same room as me. Sometimes I wonder if this whole thing is a horrible idea (before I met him my goal was to work overseas), but so far I've been extremely happy, and who knows what the future will bring, eh?

[candy]

i also am very shy and picky, whihc IS a terrible combination! am despite my problems with my BF of almost 3 years, i also want to try to make it work and feel i would be crazy to let him go when he has so many great qualities. but the fact that you 2 are talking is great...also, do not forget my earlier advice about him not being the only man for you. you met him, you can meet someone else! when i think of endign it with my BF i realize that. and you are much younger than me, so if theres no hope for you what does that say for me?? please be patient, but not too patient that you wake up one day and realize how mcuh time you wasted on this.

[Bree]

I completley understand what you are going through!!! But on the bright side the mother of the child seems to atleast have her head on for ecepting you. My fiance has 2 baby mothers and both are crazy not to mention we are having to pay for dna testing because sometimes she says there his and sometimes she says they belong to someone else so yeah. If he is such a great guy stick with it i know its hard to share time but if you love him as much as you say you do you'll learn to cope eventually. Message me anytime we're close to the same age.

[TaylorOneal]

wow! Its almost like I wrote this myself. Granted my situation is now a lot different but before it was identical! And even though me and my now husband have joint custodity of his daughter and she knows only me as her mother.. her mother does call and demand to speak with her and much to my dismay will be in her life one day. I have to say because I am young like you and have been in this situation if you MUST stay with him you need to understand that there will always be another 2 women in his life. The child will ALWAYS be more important than you and will at some point play the two of you against eachother as well as depending on the childs behavior be in a great deal of contact with the mother for atleast 15.5 more years. there may come financial issues later on. There maybe extreme love or hatred from you to the child or vise versa it all depends and this is a situation you may end up resenting the father for due to the fact that you give all your love to him and he has some priorities that will always come before you. Now I am just trying to give you an honest experience and things I have dealt with personally. Also this may push you into wanting your own children because you may become desperate to have more of a bond/connection maternally with him. give him another child so he will love you and you baby possibly more than his child... Some of these may never cross your mind but some will. You will be made to be around the mother and even though you say things with her are okay now that could change if she feels you are invading on her turf at some point. My honest opinion is that you be completely honest with all the time because feeling in this situation change quickly as you can grow to love this baby. But I feel personally you will save yourself a lot of damage by avoiding the heartache you will most likely come face to face with.. often. It seems to me you may have rushed into ( as did I almost to the T of what you are doing) a realtionship you are not ready for. 6 months is not really long enough to be living with him in such a forceful environment as far as his parent and kid and so forth. you may want to slow it down and find out if you are REALLY ready for the things you may have to deal with.

Sorry if I said to much

[Guest]

I am 37, and in a very similar situation. My boyfriend has 5 children; four of which are young and demand much of his time. I posted a thread "four children and a chaotic household" here. While I cannot offer sound advice, please know that you are not alone!