Guest Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 I He's in the process of finishing up all the little details men seem to think they need to do before filing for divorce. He did though have a difficult time letting go of the belief that a father couldn't meet his responsibilities for the children and wife post divorce. For many men, divorce means shirking responsiblities and obligations, much more so than it does for women. What little details do men do before they file for divorce? My MM told me he was "working on it." I've noticed that he seems preoccupied with his 401k, outside investment ventures and has even taken on a second job. When I asked what "working on it" mean, he confessed that he really hasn't done anything. I'm so confused..is he just telling me this and when I asked point blank he caved or are these things signs? I'm curious to know what the little details could be and if maybe he IS working on it but doesn't want to say anything just yet.
frannie Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 He's not staying for the kids, he's decided they're doing the kids more harm than good by staying married. He's in the process of finishing up all the little details men seem to think they need to do before filing for divorce. He did though have a difficult time letting go of the belief that a father couldn't meet his responsibilities for the children and wife post divorce. For many men, divorce means shirking responsiblities and obligations, much more so than it does for women. Hello NightStarr, I was just going to ask you a few basic questions and then realised I rememberd you posting from before..! Just wanted to ask how long this process of 'finishing up all the little details' has been going on... and how you know it's really going to lead somewhere... or is it all about the process..? Asking because my MM is doing something similar... he seems pretty dedicated to sorting everything out (finances, somewhere to live, etc..) but at the same time he's still not sure if he's going to be able to go through with it all when it comes time. Also you say he's decided... presumably she's still in the dark..? What happens when he tells her what he's been planning all this time..? Apologies for thread jack, OP
Guest Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 no one understands this but the intimacy between lovers is overwhelmig. he is my other half. (funny cause hes married.) we share the same views and he gets me. we have a very sincere relationship. he is a very thoughtful person. once when i was pregnant with our second child he bought me lingerie to show me how he still found me attractive. the times he'd wake our children just so he could see them too, after a long day. how he calls me several times to tell me he loves me and misses me. when we were together it was because he wanted to be with me. notes, emails. family and friends weren't excluded. he cared when it was difficult. i learned to detach myself from what he was doing with her. it only mattered what he did when we were together. i loved him and always will he is the father of my children and i feel blessed to have had him in my life despite the pain. it was worth it. my children are the embodimet of his and my love.
IWALH Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 The first thing that popped into my head was honestly the sex (which didn't happen until I fell in love with him, btw). It was the absolute most astounding, incredible, beyond perfect sex I had ever experienced. Then, of course, there were all the things he said to me that led up to us eventually having sex. How he had never felt that way about anyone in his life, how I made him want to have an honest relationship, etc. He told me so so so many sweet sweet lies that made me melt.... I could write a book with all the things he told me throughout our "relationship." Including the things he still tells me to this day.....
IWALH Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 no one understands this but the intimacy between lovers is overwhelmig. he is my other half. (funny cause hes married.) we share the same views and he gets me. we have a very sincere relationship. he is a very thoughtful person. once when i was pregnant with our second child he bought me lingerie to show me how he still found me attractive. the times he'd wake our children just so he could see them too, after a long day. how he calls me several times to tell me he loves me and misses me. when we were together it was because he wanted to be with me. notes, emails. family and friends weren't excluded. he cared when it was difficult. i learned to detach myself from what he was doing with her. it only mattered what he did when we were together. i loved him and always will he is the father of my children and i feel blessed to have had him in my life despite the pain. it was worth it. my children are the embodimet of his and my love. Wow.... I could have written this. He and I have a daughter together and I can pretty much relate to everything you just said.
will2power Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 What did your MM do for you that no other man had done for u in the past? Little actions that proved his love to you, (I m not talking about the BIG actions, or the lack of them (such as leaving ther wife) but as a couple what are or were the little things that make you stay with him? Why do you stay or stay/ed with mm? My sMM left his wife for himself and not for me... so it wasn't any proof of his love for me. The first time he left he told her it was because of me, but I was just an excuse. Things that he does for me.... hmmm.... lately its hard to say because he's suffering so much pain and grief over the loss of stability in his life. I can honestly say that what I appreciate most is his honesty... even when it hurts me to hear some of the feelings he's going through. The second thing I really appreciate is his ability to separate his feelings towards missing the stability of the home that he had vs. his feelings towards his stbxw. He recognizes that he misses the feeling of family rather than missing being with her as man and wife. I appreciate that he doesn't promise a future with me during this difficult time and he doesn't say the things I want to hear but he tells me what is in his heart. I am grateful that he tells me his feelings at the risk of losing me but am also grateful that he trusts me to love him no matter what he feels right now. Yes, I am really hurt that he is in so much pain right now. But I understand what he's going through to some degree because I'm going through my own separation and divorce. Its is really rough and I estimate that what I feel is only a fraction of what he's going through because I don't have kids and the change to my way of life is small compared to his... and I am having a hard time with my own situation.
Tomtabear Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 My MM can be Don Juan at times. I remember once him telling me it felt good holding me in his arms. He picked flowers for me and brought them in the house one day on his own. One time when I was in a bad mood he told me he loved me even if I was in a bad mood. After showing him a picture of my mother and telling him how beautiful she was in the picture he said yeah just like her daughter. Even though he is a MM at time he goes out of his way to help me. My back deck is rotting and the steps were so bad a couple had broke so he came and fixed the steps and is planning to help me build a new deck. I have to say in any R like this their are times that become hard. The waiting for MM to come by, the wondering if MM is okay when sick or just what they are doing when you can't call. But mainly wondering to why he stays with his W and how he can and then be with me. But as far as love goes I think you can tell when a MM is in love with you by their actions. When they come by without having to be intimate with you, the way they look you in the eye, the way they say I love you with that deep intense sound in their voice. For me I know my MM is in love with me but I think he is in a comfort zone with his wife and afraid to leave. Even if he said he would never leave her. We also said this was going to be just an A but we both fell in love and it has become so much more.
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