Marielle Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Not to discriminate anyone (I do appreciate some of the BW insight, some of them are really cool, smart and non judgamental) However this thread is specific to OW perspective... What did your MM do for you that no other man had done for u in the past? Little actions that proved his love to you, (I m not talking about the BIG actions, or the lack of them (such as leaving ther wife) but as a couple what are or were the little things that make you stay with him? Why do you stay or stay/ed with mm?
Jinxx Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Not to discriminate anyone (I do appreciate some of the BW insight, some of them are really cool, smart and non judgamental) However this thread is specific to OW perspective... What did your MM do for you that no other man had done for u in the past? Little actions that proved his love to you, (I m not talking about the BIG actions, or the lack of them (such as leaving ther wife) but as a couple what are or were the little things that make you stay with him? Why do you stay or stay/ed with mm? I'm not with MM any longer but we are still friends. To be honest -- our A was based on an attraction we felt towards one another that we both mutually agreed to act on. We were both married and well aware of each other's spouses. At first it was just FWB sort of thing. He didn't do anything, nor say anything that made me stay with him. The problem was I fell in love with him. That complicated things. That is when I realized I was getting myself in way too deep as I was leaving a marriage and he wasn't. Again -- complicated things more. So in my case -- there was never any false promises of a future with XMM. Other than spending a couple days on a weekend get away with each other, we never exchanged gifts or anything else other than a close friendship. I knew up front from the beginning where I stood.
kymberann Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 What didn't he do! Other than the obvious! At first being with MM was a dream come true, swept away. He was wonderful, caring and kind. He would say little things, how sexy I was. One time when we were running I was pooped but I kept on. Despite being red in the face, sweating like crazy, I remember he leaned in to me and said I ran so sexy! That kept me going for another 2 miles. He would buy me things that interested me. Not that i was expecting anything, but he would say to me "I need to remember that you like..... so I can get it for you". He loved this certain perfume, always commented on it and how he could smell it through out the day and that he was reminded of me when he did. What made that even more special is that he didn't like perfume, but that he particularly liked it when I wore perfume. Once we were swimming and he just commented, "I can even smell you in the water". Once I ran a half marathon, he couldn't, had an injury but he drove his car along with me while I ran! And then he was at the end when I was done. That is something I will never forget and it was something my ex husband never did or said. I miss the massages he would give me. I miss going to get a massage. He would be in the next room, listening to my conversation with the masseus. (You know how masseuses or others who you are paying for their services talk and ask you questions). And then he would tell me how proud he was of how accomplished I am as a woman. I know what he meant by that. I work full time, have kids to care for, have a master's degree and work another job and then I run and train. he had even encouraged me to go pursue my PhD. His wife stays at home and does nothing. I mean no ill will by that, but xMM was frustrated with that. Once we went out to eat and he wanted to go get my food and asked me how and what I wanted. That made me swoon! Again, something the ex husband never did. Once when we spent Sunday mornings together we were talking about the loss of our mothers. His mother died about two years ago, at the time my mother had died about one month ago. I was talking about my mom and I started to cryout of the blue. He just reached over and held on to me until I stopped crying and listened to what I had to say. Another sunday morning, I was having difficulties with my daughter and I was in a bad mood, I told him so, so instead of doing what we normally do or did, we just sat at the kitchen table ate breakfast and talked. He just sat down and said " I am here to listen" and we just talked. That was one of the times when he told me a lot about his family and his W. He never would tell me much, only a few things here and there. When he did these litle things it made me just fall more, I knew it was going to be hard, but I also knew I wanted to do and say little things back for him and I did. This is a good, but difficult post for me. Reminds me so much of what i miss from him. We had so much going on between us, and too many damn paralells to our lives that when the whole A ended it was just a brutal shock, even though it needed to be. I could go on, but not sure if that is a healthy thing for me to do right now.
mopar crazy Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 WH wrote several love poems to his xOW. I swear there was about 15 love poems her own H gave to me that he found in her dresser drawer. If I were her reading those poems I would of been so touched. He said such wonderful things to her. It killed me so much to read his words to her. I cried a lot when friends told me of their A but when I read those poems it made it more clear to me how he felt about her. Each word tore my heart apart piece by piece. The one part that killed me the most was him saying he wanted to share his life, his dreams, and his (our) kids w/ her. That part not only hurt like he!! but it pissed me off! No way in he!! would my kids have accepted her. Maybe eventually but it never came close to that b/c he woke up and realized what he was missing, us. I know she did a lot for him. She bought him shirts from an upscale clothing store and a nice watch from the local jewlery store. I know he did take her and her kids out to eat a few times. He paid for a motel room when they all (her and her kids) went out of town for a weekend.
sadbuttrue Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 well, i was with MM because i loved him and i believed he loved me, okay maybe he did not love me enough, but i still felt that in his own way, he did love me. he said i made him happy and he made me happy. i have been depressed for a long time, and happiness and love are things i have not experienced much in my life. to get those things from a MM was bittersweet of course.
scaredinlove Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Not to discriminate anyone (I do appreciate some of the BW insight, some of them are really cool, smart and non judgamental) However this thread is specific to OW perspective... What did your MM do for you that no other man had done for u in the past? Little actions that proved his love to you, (I m not talking about the BIG actions, or the lack of them (such as leaving ther wife) but as a couple what are or were the little things that make you stay with him? Why do you stay or stay/ed with mm? He is very caring, romantic, great lover.The better lover I ever have.But what I liked the best is his little surprises. Last year I was studing at night and one day I got to my car in the dark scaring parking lot and a found a stuffed animal and a love note from him hangging in my door.It wasn't any special date.Once he wrote me 32 reasons why he loved me, later he add more 12 .He always did something special for holidays. When I was having problems with my xH or any other thing that upseted me he would hold me tight and let me cry untiL I was done .Once I felt better he would kiss me and tell me how much he loved me.I am still with him,I tried to break up, but I missed his hugs the most.I feel very secure in his arms.He can be very sweet. Well, enough now, there are much more these are the few reasons that come to my mind.Now I miss him!
Guest Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 When we are married and not getting the passionate love making we once did years ago....It is this and only this that makes ones heart swell...It is not the things they do for you....It is the way we are loved....It becomes an unhealthy addiction....
NightStarr8 Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 What did your MM do for you that no other man had done for u in the past?....Why do you stay or stay/ed with mm? He loves me more than his own life. No other man has loved me that profoundly. I've worked on our relationship because he has. He's changed and made changes so our relationship could have a future. For an itsy bitsy little thing he's done that touches my heart, he always has in his pocket this little stone I found on a walk and gave to him.
GreenEyedLady Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 The things that MM did: He spent the week with me taking care of me after surgery...he had left one morning early to go work-out...when I awoke and went to the kitchen, I saw a single pink rose on the counter...it was propped up with a card that had my name on it...I was so surprised...(at first i was like who did this?) and I read the card that he gave me...it was the most touching, romantic card I have EVER received...the print on the card was romantic and then he wrote his thoughts and feelings in the middle...when I got that I can't even explain how I felt... And he spent all the holidays with me, which I know was a huge risk for him... And the daily calls and texts.... And the days and nights we spent together...we were not only lovers but friends... And how he lied about the most important things in life...it's like the person I fell in love with didn't even exist... These are the things that he did...
Latingirl31 Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 There is really not much that MM does for me he is just there to listen, talk to and makes me laugh. When we spend time together he just kisses and holds me as much as possible because our time is short. I can tell alot just by the way that he looks at me and smiles. That is good enought for me!
torranceshipman Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Green Eyed Lady and KymberAnn, I actually don't understand why these MM aren't with you both? I mean, those guys actions seem like love, yet they live their lives with another woman? I genuinely don't understand...they'd treat you so sweetly, then are actually mentally able to switch off and go home to a family? Do you think they are that caring to their W as well? Just don't understand it...
GreenEyedLady Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Green Eyed Lady and KymberAnn, I actually don't understand why these MM aren't with you both? I mean, those guys actions seem like love, yet they live their lives with another woman? I genuinely don't understand...they'd treat you so sweetly, then are actually mentally able to switch off and go home to a family? Do you think they are that caring to their W as well? Just don't understand it... I wish that I could PM you TS... But I can say this, I know that he loved me...but whatever is keeping him there is more important to him than our love... He doesn't work a 9-5 job, so he's not there that much and I know that from his schedule and type of work he does... And he lied about some important things, so I don't know how he really treats her because I've never seen her or had to see them together... And I do think that he'll eventually leave, but I can't wait forever... And I don't understand it either...
Can'tGiveUp Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 The most profound 'thing' that he did for me was to help me communicate. I had a very high wall around me. I initially come across as a very cold and unemotional person. He broke through that wall. He taught me that my thoughts and emotions are important. That it is okay to tell others how I feel. The wall is still there, but I let more people over it now than I ever did before. And he always appreciated how difficult it was for me to express myself. And he knew that if I had to to do it in an email, that I was really just opening the door for discussion, but that I had to start off in a less imposing way. The other smaller things... He always made time to see me each weekday - even just for a quick hug...(I think I miss this most:( ) He unexpectedly came and spent the night with me when I had surgery. I was so concerned making sure that someone was caring for my kids that night, that it never crossed my mind that I might need to be taken care of... The way we always touched...whether it was shoulders brushing while we walked, a hand on the knee, brushing my hair off my face...and what was conveyed through those touches...we could feel when something was "off" with the other... The way he always told me I was beautiful... The honesty... The hours on the phone just talking about anything and everything... The support when I was taking a tough course...bringing me dinner because he knew I wouldn't remember to eat when I was studying... That is enough reminiscing for now...
Kenzo Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 There is really not much that MM does for me he is just there to listen, talk to and makes me laugh. When we spend time together he just kisses and holds me as much as possible because our time is short. I can tell alot just by the way that he looks at me and smiles. That is good enought for me! This is so true! I am a simple girl, I like to keep things that way...a kiss on the back of my hand, how he'll just rest his hand on my leg when we're watching TV, acting silly to see me laugh and smile, a call, a text, leaving work an hour early for just a kiss, and the way he looks at me like he can read my thoughts. Sometimes when we are just sitting there looking at each other he will whisper in my ear "I know, me too"...those words melt my heart!
Seen_It_All Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Honestly? The most impressive thing he did was let me go gracefully when I decided I wanted more out of life than to always be in hiding, waiting for a precious hour of his time. He didn't keep trying to reel me back in once I made my decision; he respected my wishes and we parted dear friends.
pricillia Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Honestly? The most impressive thing he did was let me go gracefully when I decided I wanted more out of life than to always be in hiding, waiting for a precious hour of his time. He didn't keep trying to reel me back in once I made my decision; he respected my wishes and we parted dear friends. So you had a Saint of a MM... so why are you so damm bitter?
puddleofmud Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 This thread is really really good for me because I am looking back and thinking what WAS so good about it? After reading the other responses on this thread I actually am feeling "envious"--isn't that ODD? Seems Ex-MM did so little in comparison....seems what I received was his mere "presence" as opposed to "presents". He never gave me a present--not one, not ever. Nor a sweet note or any of that kind of stuff. I have nothing material from him. I suppose most was the more intimate times: in that we spent time together just doing the little things like cooking, running errands, taking out the trash and just talking. Nothing highly significant to speak about. Just day to day "life" stuff.
BenThereDunThat Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 This thread is really really good for me because I am looking back and thinking what WAS so good about it? After reading the other responses on this thread I actually am feeling "envious"--isn't that ODD? Seems Ex-MM did so little in comparison....seems what I received was his mere "presence" as opposed to "presents". He never gave me a present--not one, not ever. Nor a sweet note or any of that kind of stuff. I have nothing material from him. I suppose most was the more intimate times: in that we spent time together just doing the little things like cooking, running errands, taking out the trash and just talking. Nothing highly significant to speak about. Just day to day "life" stuff. I know what you mean, POM. I was kind of feeling the same way. I was kind of feeling like damn, I risked my values, morals, SOUL for crap. The return (not speaking materially) was zilch on a GOOD day, then when you consider what I was giving up of myself? Now that I finally got my head out of my ass I see that I wouldn't even want him if he were single. What kind of drugs was I on? He gave me a couple of little things. One was a wine cup he supposedly bought at some roadside stand in France. It looked like a big egg cup. Ha, he probably picked it up in the bargain aisle at Target when he got back. No, Target is being too generous. It was probably from a dollar store. No matter, it got shattered into itty bitty pieces on my back porch. I had fun throwing it. Oh well. I had a couple of good, private laughs at his expense today. I have to take my victories in little bits here and there.
puddleofmud Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 I think I do have some flannel PJs of his but they don't shatter well when throwing them--dang! Perhaps setting them afire would suffice? Most likely not considering they are not attached to his a$$.
TheDiva Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 This thread is really really good for me because I am looking back and thinking what WAS so good about it? I know exactly what you mean POM. I wasn't going to post on this thread because I would only be a downer. Everything I did receive; flowers, the cards, the heartfelt letters even the autographed cd from a concert of my favorite band etc......They meant absolutely NOTHING in the whole scheme of things. Over a decade later I look back and see him clearly for what he was.... To use a quote from the post above What kind of drugs was I on?
Author Marielle Posted February 20, 2007 Author Posted February 20, 2007 On my part he maybe wasn t great on gifts- I never had a bf who was a great giver- but his actions that proved that he loved me where many and significant, tha's why I was so attached to him. The way he would say beautiful things to me, such as I am soooo f**** lucky, while looking at my eyes....suffering when he saw me smoking, begging me to stop damaging my health (even though HE was damaging it as weel) The way he would get jealous, while trying not to show it.... WHen he made soup when I was sick...I know, geez, Isn t that the minimum someone would do for you? But when you love someone you value every single effort. When he cried before I went on vacation, saying good bye... And so on.... Was that enough, well, if he wansn't M, sure, all this love in one person, is more than enough...BUT, ya know Thanks all of you OW for answering...every single post was very significant to me
pureinheart Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 This is a reverse of the original question.... I made a major difference in ex-MM's life, and to be able to say this with happiness vs hatred shows healing on my part.....He was very rough around the edges, his family is this way also.... I demonstrated better ways for him to handle adversity and councelled him many hours....he did listen which is unusual for him....he always listed to me and took my advice.... He carries himself a little better now and hopefully he will be an inspiration to his family.... I made a difference in his life....we should have stayed friends instead of ruining it with sin.....
kymberann Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 I think I do have some flannel PJs of his but they don't shatter well when throwing them--dang! That's funny, that gave me a laugh! I hope that my post didn't sound as if all I cared about in this R was the material things. That's not all there was to it. i still have heart felt feelings for this person... I was going through some things on Sunday and I actualy threw out something he had given me, that's a step up on my part! I feel as if I am over it, but yet, I am not... And I don't get it either Torrence! I do know that he was able to compartmentalize it well. I know that when he was with W he would make excuses to be out of the house. He always had other places to be. He's a work aholic so I know that keeps him out, or at least it did when we were together. As for the "gifts" I know there was thought behind them, because it was something that I liked or was interested in, so the thought behind the "gift" was what mattered most. I went for my first road bike ride for the season. I wore the suit and wind breaker he gave me to keep me warm as it is the only one I have that is fit enough to keep me warm. Just the fact that I had it on brought back so many memories. We used to bike ride pretty much every other day last season. Now it is something new as I am either riding on my own or with new people I have never rode with. Between this post and riding again, I have had a melancholic feeling for the past few days. I remember one time I had the day off work, it was a holiday, he came over and spent the day. We acted as if we really belonged together. I was painting and he was in the kitchen cooking, and then checking in on me. He knew I liked to paint and draw and would kind of put in his own opinion about art. In fact, I just realized that i haven;t painted or drawn since the R ended! Anyway we spent the rest of the day on the couch watching movies. The one we watched that day was "like water for chocolate". If you have ever seen it you'd know that in the movie the two main characters were in love with each other, but couldn't be with each other due to circumstances, but they both knew they loved each other. Figures! The way he would get jealous, while trying not to show it.... I saw that often too! And he had no room to comment! Pure in heart, good for you for looking at it from this perspective. It helps to make it seems as if it is a lesson learned for both parties. Perhaps there is purpose for waht we have gone through, morals and values aside. Today I spent much of the day wondering if he was thinking about me. I know that as the weather warms and people are out on their bikes and running I am sure he will be thinking about me when he rides and runs, and I know he will be doing this on his own! HIs birthday is in two more days! He always made time to see me each weekday - even just for a quick hug...(I think I miss this most:( ) It seems it is the smallest things that we miss the most and meant the most! OK enough, I have already been feeling unsettled as of late! Best!
NightStarr8 Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Green Eyed Lady and KymberAnn, I actually don't understand why these MM aren't with you both? I mean, those guys actions seem like love, yet they live their lives with another woman? I genuinely don't understand...they'd treat you so sweetly, then are actually mentally able to switch off and go home to a family? Do you think they are that caring to their W as well? Just don't understand it... I know my guy can't switch off his feelings for me while he's at home or his feelings for his kids while he's with me. Compartmentalizing hasn't worked for him. Yes, he cares for his wife's welfare. But that's it, he does not show her the love he shows me. He doesn't buy her gifts, seek out her companionship, sleep with her, dine with her. They have scheduled it so that they are only in the house at the same time when they're sleeping, in separate rooms. It's not much of a marriage, but it does seem to work for her. It doesn't for him. He's not staying for the kids, he's decided they're doing the kids more harm than good by staying married. He's in the process of finishing up all the little details men seem to think they need to do before filing for divorce. He did though have a difficult time letting go of the belief that a father couldn't meet his responsibilities for the children and wife post divorce. For many men, divorce means shirking responsiblities and obligations, much more so than it does for women.
Meredith63 Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Yes, I got the gifts, the jewelry, etc., and while they were nice, it didn't really mean anything to me. What did mean something was that he put me first, before anyone, including himself and that he has never once let me down. It was his actions that made me know that he loved me.
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