NorCalDave Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 So my story is on "Really", and "Worrying about her". I am still madly in love with an older woman who's never had kids or been married. We have a 20 year age gap so the odds are already against us. We met 3 years ago and dated for 6 months. They were the happiest 6 months of my life. I thought I had found my soulmate, regardless of age gap. Problem was, she felt insecure with the age gap, and her ex was still in her life and not letting go. So, after 6 months, she started to pull away and she ended it after we got back from a trip to Yosemite. I later found out that her ex had been threatening to kill himself if she didn't take him back. They had a sick codependent thing going on, as he took care of her when she was an alcoholic for about 10 years. So she has a lot of loyalty towards him, and guilt for breaking up with and hurting him. So I struggled through that, and we would see each other once in a while and kiss and stuff. A couple times we slept with each other but she began to feel guilty for doing that and we stopped. So, after about 2 years of being friends off and on, we did the no contact thing because it became too painful knowing that she was still seeing her ex, albiet as friends...I felt I couldn't trust her because I didn't know if she was talking to him or not... After about 8 months of no contact, she joined my gym and we met up again. Instantly, the feelings returned, and before we knew it we were dating again. Like any new relationship, it felt absolutely great for the first few months. Especially since I had missed her so much and never thought we'd be together again. Then, about a month ago, she broke up with me again for the same reasons as the first time. The age gap is too much for her, and she's unfortunately still in contact with her ex and she hasn't fully let that relationship go yet, but "I'm trying". So we've been doing the no contact thing for a couple weeks, until today, darn it, where we ran into each other at our church. She started crying again when she saw me, and it was very obvious some strong feelings still exist between us. She wants to go with me on this Costa Rica church vacation in July. We have to put our first payment down next weekend. Today she said she still wanted to go. So I'm thinking, no contact or very little until July, and hope that she misses me enough or the trip can be an awakening or something for her. Some would call me crazy for shelling out big bucks to go on a vacation with an ex that just broke my heart, but I really want to go on this trip and feel I shouldn't have to not go just because we aren't together anymore. My question is, does NC make people want to be with each other again if the feelings are still there? We didn't break up because someone cheated, or because someone lied...it's just uncontrollable things like age difference and the fact she is still disconnecting from her old relationship. The NC allowed us to get back together before, can it happen again?
AriaIncognito Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 Sure it can, but it will inevitably lead to the 3rd break up because she's simply not ready to be in a relationship with you, or anybody for that matter. I've broken up 3 times with the same man. You can't just keep getting back together assuming they are changed, because odds are they haven't. You have been given no signs that she's put her past 100% behind her. Until you get those signs, dont bother going back. Take this from someone who is nursing her 3rd heartache in 1 year over the same man.
Author NorCalDave Posted February 18, 2007 Author Posted February 18, 2007 I know huh. Some time has to pass. She has got to cut contact with her ex Jim, or she'll never be ready for a new relationship. It's kind of sad. But as much as I know I'll always love her, I would take her back in the future if she would get her ex out of her life and go NC. They've tried to go NC before and they always break it. I remember her telling me that as soon as a month ago he called her in the morning and woke her up and they argued and he said he'd never call her again and she said "Fine!" Now a month later and HE'S STAYING AT HER PLACE! It's not that she can't be alone, it's just that she can't seem to go NC with him and let herself heal. It's been 3 years now and they still won't let each other go. I know she isn't happy with him, but she's definitely getting SOMETHING out of it otherwise she'd cut the chord. I think it may be financial, because she's broke and he has $$ and therefore he's a safety valve when finances get rough. Whatever the case, you're right, she's not ready to give to another relationship because she still is giving some of herself to him. I hope with time, they can go NC. And if I go NC with her now, that she'll miss me enough to want to come back in the future.
resi71 Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 same here i hope for 3rd one,we talk to move in together and her mom ask when we get married,but then she break up with me and did not say the reason,i am with you with your pain,i wish both of us that we get what we wish and dream
Author NorCalDave Posted February 19, 2007 Author Posted February 19, 2007 Amen to that. I just took a nap and dreamt that we were kissing and about to make love, then I woke up just as....
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