OW should tell the bs

[silktricks]

So many of you have posted thread's about if the A was long term the wife should know. My EA, slight PA was 18 month's. Even though I can say bye, bye to XMM, I still think his wife should know. This W lives next door and as far as she is knows her life is perfect. I have to interact with her because of my kid's and theirs and this is driving me nut's. It's not like I want to hurt her for revenge, it's just that I feel bad for her. I don't think she realize's what her H is like. I wish I could find away for her to know about the A so she would have a chance to see what could happen to her life, it seem's to me she is in a daze. I have known her for the past 10 years. I feel real bad now, wish I had never gotten involved with her H.

 

AP

 

Does your husband know?

 

Are you willing to move as a result of telling her?

 

Are you willing to have your kids no longer able to play with her kids?

 

Are you really sure that you are wanting to tell her for HER sake?

[outofdarkness]

I'm not a bs, but in life we dont get the luxury to have everything come about in the way we want it. Bottom line is that I'd want to find out in some manner. I would like to be informed by someone. I really would PREFER it not be the ow, but I'd rather be informed by the ow than not at all. It's a shame that so many wives are blind and go on life never the wiser. Maybe some prefer it that way though.

It seems viewing the ow as competition is the reason for wives wanting to remain uninformed? Who cares what the ow's motives are? Exactly what makes that betraying husband worth fighting for after the fallout?

Knowing the sooner is the better imo. Especially when it's before there are children involved etc and still even if they are involved. Why get wrapped up in a man for 20 years when they dont even love you enough to remain faithful? I'd be so angry to know I wasted that much time getting screwed over.

Yep...I remember being sooo angry that it became a health hazard for ME! Anger eats us up...bit by bit. Everyone's situation is unique. Mabey you wouldn't think that the W's reasons for staying are good ones, but mabey to HER they are, and mabey, there are extenuating circumstances that YOU don't know about. It's such a tangle messy ball, who can possibly give a general answer to this question. I do think the W should be told, but HOW it's told and by WHOM is totally dependent on that unique situation. Of course, the MM has been busy lieing his butt off the BOTH OW AND W, so it's REALLY hard for one to know what the truth really is and base a decision to tell on truthful info...Hope that makes sense..

[Guest]

ok, so what about mm who has long term A, leaves wife, comes to you, then goes home again after a week. Wife now thinks all will work out. He still keeps coming back and says he is confussed. Would it be ok to THEN call the wife to compare lies. He is playing both fields, She only thinks it was a short affair, ( of coarse he is not admitting to years) I would love to fill in her Gaps, just as she would fill in mine. what do you all think on that one? I think a phone call is in order. Cause in the meantime he has both snowed

[Izzar]

ok, so what about mm who has long term A, leaves wife, comes to you, then goes home again after a week. Wife now thinks all will work out. He still keeps coming back and says he is confussed. Would it be ok to THEN call the wife to compare lies. He is playing both fields, She only thinks it was a short affair, ( of coarse he is not admitting to years) I would love to fill in her Gaps, just as she would fill in mine. what do you all think on that one? I think a phone call is in order. Cause in the meantime he has both snowed

 

 

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Ok, in my opinion, I do not feel a phone call is in order. It should be the ow's decision to stay or leave the affair. It should be the mm's decision to tell his wife. His decision not the ow's!!

[outofdarkness]

ok, so what about mm who has long term A, leaves wife, comes to you, then goes home again after a week. Wife now thinks all will work out. He still keeps coming back and says he is confussed. Would it be ok to THEN call the wife to compare lies. He is playing both fields, She only thinks it was a short affair, ( of coarse he is not admitting to years) I would love to fill in her Gaps, just as she would fill in mine. what do you all think on that one? I think a phone call is in order. Cause in the meantime he has both snowed

well...I don't know...I am split on this one. I know it the MM SHOULD tell his W the truth., but let's face it, they will lie, lie, lie..Until the cows come home...So...it often times IS the OW that tells simply b/c someone has to and she gets to the point where the lies catch up to her and she is confused and upset. At least, this is what happened w/ my H's OW...the main 10 year one that is. She was totally mislead and had no way of knowing that what he was telling her were all lies, just like I had no way of knowing that he could not/should not be trusted...or that an A was going on at all. It was the furthest thing from my mind...

[serial muse]

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Ok, in my opinion, I do not feel a phone call is in order. It should be the ow's decision to stay or leave the affair. It should be the mm's decision to tell his wife. His decision not the ow's!!

 

But why??

 

Talking about it in terms of rights just makes no sense to me. It's semantics. I mean, I get that many OW still feel loyalty to their MM, and that's why they won't tell. But that is still a choice.

 

But to talk about it as though only MM has the RIGHT to tell his wife? Sorry, but that's just silly. When we're talking about an existing affair, it's splitting hairs to talk about the situation in these abstract, moralistic terms; the point isn't whether some people have the "right" to do anything at all. The true question is whether telling is an act of kindness or not (and whether that matters), and that can be debated until the cows come home.

 

But framing the question as one of whether the OW has the right to tell just muzzles her, renders her powerless and creates a red herring as a way to avoid the issue, IMO.

 

An OW (or OM) has as much right to make decisions about a difficult situation that she is clearly actively involved in as anyone, and she really shouldn't relinquish that power to MM any more than she already has. I know it would be easier to push the responsibility back onto him, but again - that's splitting hairs. The OW is not a passive witness to the triangle, and it does no one any credit to pretend she is.

[Izzar]

My appologies. I was only looking at it in my situation. I didn't say a word to my s/o's now xw. He did. I wouldn't have felt it was my position to tell her.

[woe_is_me]

I'd just like to add that i wouldn't dream of calling the W ..i called accidentally thinking only MM would be there (bad timing methinx) she knows he had a call and if i were her i'd already have OWs phone numbers and id be calling her..thats if i couldn't get the truth out of him especially if it was a long running affair.. None of which has happened in my situation and as Mrs Hellfire suggested earlier...a lot of BWs prefer not knowing and/or turn a blind eye..

Some OWs personally know or have seen the W. Ive never seen MMs W and im sure if i knew her personally i would never have had the A to begin with..

Ive had married men hit on me ..joke or no joke i dont care they're still trying it out... and they have lovely wives!!

I wonder if knowing or not knowing W makes any difference when it comes to telling

[RecordProducer]

If the mm doesn't keep his promises or treats the OW really badly then sure, the OW should phone the w.

Don't play a god, please! An American soldier named Bryan Anderson lost two legs and one arm in Iraq, but his right arm was preserved, because he was smoking his cigarette at the time when the bomb hit his truck. Smoking is bad, but ironically - it saved his life. My point is: don't preach what's right and what's wrong. The wife may get upset and cause a car accident. Of course, I am just speaking metaphorically. In other words, you don't know what's better for someone else.

 

Your re-direction of destiny is unsolicited and therefore unwelcome. It's also unnecessary. The STD excuse is not good enough; most people get STDs from new partners, not from their old partners or spouses. She will most likely stay married to him and be very miserable after discovering his affair. If she leaves, the children will suffer. This is between you and him, not between the wife and you. She didn't choose to hurt you - YOU chose to hurt her. You and your MM.

 

You can't survive the fact that he dumped you and now you want revenge. EVERYONE has a right to dump you. Single men dump women even more often than MM do. Are you going to get evil and vindictive every time somebody doesn't love you enough? By your logic, the wife - whom he was supposed to dump together with children for another woman - should murder the OW and the MM, right? Or did you hope that she's a better person than you are? Or did you think that you're entitled to have her husband, but she isn't?

 

Love is something you need to deserve. But often, people were just not made for each other. Even though you might think you were right for one another, it takes two to connect, but only one to disconnect. Accept the deafeat and move on. If you tell his wife, you'll be wiping the floor with your dignity. Your MM will see how low and obsessed with him you are. And if you think that I am being judgmental here, I'll reveal that I have had all kinds of vindictive thoughts when my ex-husband dumped me and our two toddlers (not for another woman, he didn't cheat). But I never acted upon them.

They know something is going on so you are only confirming their suspicions.

Those wives who say they do not know, do not want to know.

You are very wrong! Not all wives know. The MM lie to their mistresses. The truth is: they try to hide the afair so well, that they pretend to be great husbands at home. They have sex with their wives, help, laugh, act normally... The wives are clueless. What they don't know can't hurt them. So why do you want to hurt them? Because you feel that you're the only one who is miserable here so if you can't feel better then make two more people and their children suffer, too!

 

Why should the mm get away with dumping you or not following through and then going back to his marriage as if nothing happened.

Because it might be the right thing to do? Why do you think that your happiness should matter more than that of a whole family? Yes, he cheated, but it's none of your business. YOU accepted to sleep with a MM and fall in love with him. YOU are responsible for your own actions and the consequences of your actions. Don't create a bad reaction to your own bad action. You found yourself alone in this misery and now you want to involve innocent people, too. The fact is: YOU and the MM did wrong. Not his wife or kids.

 

At least he will be getting some fall out from the A, and his w will be giving him a hard time.

This only shows that you enjoy seeing other people suffer. That's wrong. Plain wrong. Even the MM didn't do anything wrong to you. He didn't rape you. You agreed to sleep with him, you knew your risks, you knew he was a liar and a cheater (so why did you trust him???). You just hoped that you could destroy his family and it never happened. If you're hoping that they will divorce because of this - it's possible - but he will resent you and despise you; he will not want to have anything to do with you after that.

 

This may make him think twice before he does it again so you are doing the w a favour in a roundabout way.

You're not doing anyone a favor and that's far from your goal. You're just making excuses to justify your own revenge.

 

let her know that the A is over and that she is welcome to him.

See, this is exactly what hurts you: that you didn't have a choice. Your vanity is hurt. He was always welcome to her and she was always welcome to him. You, on the other hand, are not welcome anymore. You're out of the picture so you can't welcome anyone inside.

 

If the mm has been "honest" with you and not made you any promises or if he has told you that he is not leaving home, then don't do it.

Why? What's the difference? I knew about both my husbands that they would marry me, because they proved to be 100% interested in me while dating me. I didn't think of any other guy that he would marry me. But I've never been with a MM. It's hard to trust them, because they are cheaters; it's hard to not trust them when you love them. You played with fire and now you complain that you got burnt!

 

This course of action is for the manipulating, dishonest, spineless bas--rds who have told you that you will have a future with him. You will be hurting and so why shouldn't he!

Sometimes people are simply confused and change their minds. And often, they get disappointed in their OW and realize that the grass is not greener on the other side. Also, when a MM starts cheating, he takes a burden off his marriage - he becomes happy and in love and thus treats his wife better. Then she starts treating him better also and a positive cycle begins. He starts thinking that he CAN make the marriage work, because he falls in love with his wife again. The OW, who replaced what he was missing with his wife, loses her purpose and so does the affair.

 

I phoned the bs and my mm didn't contact me for a month, but then he called me to say that he understood how he had driven me to it and he apologised.

So did you tell the wife? If yes, what happened?

 

The only way of sorting out the men from the boys is to tell the wives about the A.

On the contrary, show him that you've moved on and don't have time for him. Show him that he lost a good woman. Do you want him to miss you or do you want him to curse the day he met you? Look at this from a brighter side: YOU got rid of a burden - a non-perspective relationship with a toxic cheater and liar. You won in any case. When my ex dumped me, I was devastated. But soon enough I realized that he did me a favor, because I found happiness without him. He, on the other hand, lost everything.

[Guest]

So did you tell the wife? If yes, what happened?

 

.

 

Yes I did, but it wasn't premeditated.

 

We had a huge argument at the train station and I phoned his wife and told her to ask her husband about a woman named ***** when he got home.

By the time he got home she knew.

 

I was shaking after I had made the call but thought I would never hear from him again.

Then a day later she phoned and she said she was sorry he had hurt me, that they were trying to put their marriage in order, that she would never forget the phone call and that she never wanted me to phone her again.

 

Four weeks later he left me a note asking to see me. He then called and he apologised because he knew he had driven me to do it by the hurtful things he had said. He had promised his wife that he would never contact me again.

I felt relieved to receive the call and then he asked to see me and that he wanted the affair to continue.

I refused and moved on with my life.

 

So it is not true to say that the mm won't want anything to do with you if you tell.

[torranceshipman]

I really think everyone has the right to hear the truth, and I really do think that honesty is the best policy. I think the W has the right to know what her H is up to.

 

Let's face it, it's the lies that keep the A's and the hurt and the misery going...blow the lid and everyone becomes accountable, and decisions are made - I think that's a good thing.

[Catharsis]

I agree with Torrance....but RecordProducer also had some valid points. However, I do think that any MM who screws around on his W has to expect that one of his OW will tell her one of these days. If this hurts the W, who is really to blame for this. The OW - sure, but the MM is the one who married the W and he should have thought about the hurt he'd cause for her before he unzipped his pants. If everyone keeps silent and won't tell anyone about his "little secret", what's his incentive to stop this deceit? I really don't care if the W would prefer not to hear about it - that is MM's Problem. Yes, maybe that's self-serving and selfish, but sorry, a lot of these guys just have it coming. They should have picked their affair partners more carefully if they wanted to "protect" their Ws. Or better yet, they shouldn't have started an A in the first place. It's absurd to hold the OW responsible for the W's emotional well-being.

[Romeo Must Die]

I was told things by the xOW in an 11 page letter, not much I havent heard before (cliche wise) but she wrote Romeo first telling him it was payback time and that her intentions were to write me and tell me everything to get back at him, so it was expected. She even mentioned she'd wait until Valentines day to send it.

 

I didn't like it because it was humiliating enough she was having the affair with my husband *tears* and I didn't want anything further to do with her. To me, she has done enough damage already. She had more than enough involvement in my life as it was, so why write me letters. I knew she helped Romeo get divorced. I'm not stupid. I knew the end result was to take my house and kids away from me, as well as my man but it didn't happen that way.

 

Also, Why write annonymous letters to attack me and my reputation and credibility. It wasnt my affair. I didnt sleep with her husband. I never slept in her bed. I didnt even know she was alive until he brought her into my life and now I cant do anything without having to look over my shoulder anymore and I'm not the one who messed with a MM. My only crime was being married for seventeen years to her boyfriend. I am the mother of his kids. She even took my family photos when she was here once and made her own "history" in a new photo album that included a few new pictures of them together.

 

[outofdarkness]

I agree with Torrance....but RecordProducer also had some valid points. However, I do think that any MM who screws around on his W has to expect that one of his OW will tell her one of these days. If this hurts the W, who is really to blame for this. The OW - sure, but the MM is the one who married the W and he should have thought about the hurt he'd cause for her before he unzipped his pants. If everyone keeps silent and won't tell anyone about his "little secret", what's his incentive to stop this deceit? I really don't care if the W would prefer not to hear about it - that is MM's Problem. Yes, maybe that's self-serving and selfish, but sorry, a lot of these guys just have it coming. They should have picked their affair partners more carefully if they wanted to "protect" their Ws. Or better yet, they shouldn't have started an A in the first place. It's absurd to hold the OW responsible for the W's emotional well-being.

I don't think the OW should be or IS responsible for the W's well being..As a BW, that's sort of insulting to insinuate that...I DO think the MM should have thought about all of this before entering into the A, but that just is not going to happen...These things are not often planned. I guess it depends on the particular person's personality, character, etc., but I really can't see why anyone would want to hurt someone else to get back at someone. Yeah, it is self serving, etc., but it's also dangerous territory. I would love to know if any of the OW's on this forum have ANY idea what it feels like to have the info re: The A, come from the OW? Yeah, I know it should be told, but not to care who gets caught in the crossfire? Many OW's completely fall apart and the kids are no different...Do you really want to feel responsible for this? It could be anonymous, this seems to be a better route to me.

 

I guess, I just wish more then anything that at least one of the supposed "friends" that knew would come forward more often and tell the W...I know it's hard, but in the end, it's really a blessing so that the W and family can get on with their lives.

[RecordProducer]

Then a day later she phoned and she said she was sorry he had hurt me, that they were trying to put their marriage in order, that she would never forget the phone call and that she never wanted me to phone her again.

She either doesn't care one bit about him or he persuaded her that YOU pursued him and he didn't want you. The wife would want to know details, see how you look, etc., not apologize to the OW. She doesn't know... or doesn't give a rat's ass about what her husband is doing. The other side of the story is that not always the wife is hurt. Often they don't know about the affair, because they don't care to know. Look at all the threads about wives not sleeping with their husbands, wives sleeping around, not feeling atracted to their husbands...

 

I felt relieved to receive the call and then he asked to see me and that he wanted the affair to continue.

Obviously his wife did not put him into a machine, she just let it go... I bet you she doesn't know you had sex.

[outofdarkness]

She either doesn't care one bit about him or he persuaded her that YOU pursued him and he didn't want you. The wife would want to know details, see how you look, etc., not apologize to the OW. She doesn't know... or doesn't give a rat's ass about what her husband is doing. The other side of the story is that not always the wife is hurt. Often they don't know about the affair, because they don't care to know. Look at all the threads about wives not sleeping with their husbands, wives sleeping around, not feeling atracted to their husbands...

 

Obviously his wife did not put him into a machine, she just let it go... I bet you she doesn't know you had sex.

I would say that 9 times out of 10 we don't know, but would NOT say that we don't WANT to know...This is a myth for the most part. Also, re: wives not sleeping w/ their H's, etc...Bord um can happen in any R..The fuel that keeps the A going is the secrecy of it.

[woe_is_me]

I found out about my xH one night stand and that was enough to ruin our relationship. That was 10 years ago.

If i was still married to him we'd be coming up to 14 years of marriage.

 

If i was a W and some OW came to me with some letter detailing everything.. that would only tell me that my husband had been cheating for a long time and that this OW was hurting.

She may want my house..she may want my husband.. it would all depend on who she was and the sort of relationship he had with his OW.

 

Having been an OW i cannot imagine myself going out of my way to hurt his W who is probably very similar to myself.

 

MM is the one to blame i feel for not being honest to begin with. And what of the cousin/neighbour/friend and work friends that knew of me. Do they not have any obligations in letting the W know?

[stillafool]

If the mm doesn't keep his promises or treats the OW really badly then sure, the OW should phone the w.

 

Why should he keep his promise to you when he hasn't kept it with his wife and is treating her really badly by f-cking you?

 

The only way of sorting out the men from the boys is to tell the wives about the A.

 

And how do you separate the women from the girls? A real woman wouldn't mess around with someone who is married.

 

They know something is going on so you are only confirming their suspicions.

 

Those wives who say they do not know, do not want to know.

Why should the mm get away with dumping you or not following through and then going back to his marriage as if nothing happened.

At least he will be getting some fall out from the A, and his w will be giving him a hard time.

 

Why do you mess around with a MM who has every right to dump you and go back to his marriage?

 

This may make him think twice before he does it again so you are doing the w a favour in a roundabout way. There is no need to be really bitchy but just give her enough information to let her know that you are being truthful and also let her know that the A is over and that she is welcome to him.

 

The W already knows she is welcomed to him, but are you? As far as you being so truthful...why should she believe you when you are just as dishonest and sleezy as him?

 

If the mm has been "honest" with you and not made you any promises or if he has told you that he is not leaving home, then don't do it.

 

This course of action is for the manipulating, dishonest, spineless bas--rds who have told you that you will have a future with him. You will be hurting and so why shouldn't he!

 

Any MM who cheats is manipulating, dishonest, spineless bas--rds and what about the woman who gets involved with him knowing he is married. Is she not the same?

 

I phoned the bs and my mm didn't contact me for a month, but then he called me to say that he understood how he had driven me to it and he apologised.

 

I hope it made you feel better.