OW should tell the bs

[Audero]

I think the BS should be told. Not out of anger, and not in explicit detail, but they should know their husband/wife is cheating. To continue hiding it after it ends, is just covering the cheater's ass, IMO. And why should we? Furthermore, why shouldn't the spouse know exactly what kind of person they are married to?

 

I was married, and would have wanted to know if he cheated. The whole ignorance is bliss thing doesn't work for me. I would want to know my guy was cheating, because it's unfair to go along thinking they are loyal when they aren't.

[Impudent Oyster]

The question is ... would the BS like to know, or not..? Whatever the messenger's intent or motivation..? Personally, I would prefer to know if my spouse was cheating on me. I wouldn't care who from, and I wouldn't care what they wanted. It would be a simple question of information handed over.

 

 

Of course the BS would like to know, and I agree with the rest as well.

 

Thing is, how many OW are going to tell? Most go to great lengths to help MM keep the affair a secret, and if they do tell, it's as an act of desperation or spite. Many OW tell when they see the affair go sour and think the wife will kick her H to the curb upon discovery, thus giving OW a better chance.

 

What people don't realize is that most affairs are forgiven if the MP is remorseful, accepts responsibility and goes NC with the OP.

[Catharsis]

In my case, I don't want exMM - I never even wanted an affair with him, just get answers to some questions about our breakup back in college. He immediately tried to take advantage of the situation by trying to lull me into an affair with him. Nothing ever happened, I turned him down, but it makes me sick to think that he uses the same lame lines with tons of other women (young girls rather) just for sports. His W adores him and has no clue what a lying bastard she is married to. I have wanted to open her eyes more than once, but I'm afraid that she wouldn't believe an anonymous letter either. If I included some strong evidence (which I have), she would have to believe it, but then it could be traced back to me. So I keep on biting my tongue and say nothing. I did, however, send exMM an anonymous email pretending to be one of his employees and informing him that people know that he is having sex with several of the young girls in the company. Said in the mail that if the H of one of his OW finds out he'd kick his ass and his (MMs) career would be ruined. Must have scared him quite a bit, because he immediately erased every single one of the mails he's ever received from and sent to the girls. I doubt it will last though - his dick is going to get the upperhand again soon. But at least he got a little scare.

[frannie]

I think the BS should be told. Not out of anger, and not in explicit detail, but they should know their husband/wife is cheating. To continue hiding it after it ends, is just covering the cheater's ass, IMO. And why should we? Furthermore, why shouldn't the spouse know exactly what kind of person they are married to?

 

Well, you can see from my posts that I agree with this somewhat.

 

BUT... the argument goes that 'it's not the OW's place' to tell the BS... once the affair is over she should be 'better than that' and not do it out of revenge, etc. And since she's unlikely to do it while the affair is going on (unless she has an ulterior motive, however deluded) then it seems unlikely there's ever a good time for the BS to find out from the OW.

[serial muse]

Well, no, I mean, there's never going to be a good time for the BS to find out her husband is cheating. From that perspective, it's a non-issue. Tell, don't tell, her world has already been rocked, even if she doesn't know all about it yet.

 

I admit, this whole "it's not the OW's place" argument just seems flat-out silly and specious, to me. I mean, come on. From the OW's perspective, why should she have this carefully-proscribed, limiting "place" - defined solely by the MM - beyond which it's not allowable for her to move? What kind of a life is that to live? And from the BS' perspective, of course, the OW has no business being there in the first place. There is no such thing as an "acceptable" boundary when it comes to cheating. That line was crossed long since. Seriously, folks, it just makes no sense whatsoever.

 

I mean, I get that people are human, make mistakes and may suffer from remorse after the fact. But the reality is, I think any BS would vastly prefer that if a fit of noble intention were to strike, it would happen before the affair. To be plain, that'd not only be awesome but it'd also be far less hypocritical than nobility in retrospect.

 

But ultimately, I personally don't think it much matters whether the OW (or anyone else) wants to tell out of genuine remorse and good feeling for her fellow (wo)man, or out of a desire to revenge herself on the MM and make his life hell. I suppose I take an overall pragmatic view of the issue, in that I'd rather the BS were told, regardless of the source or the motive.

 

This particular debate has raged periodically on these boards, but the end result is always the same - the vast majority of the BS (and also of many spouses/SO's who haven't been betrayed) say that hell yeah, they'd want to know. Regardless of the source. They may hate the source, they may rage and fury and call upon the Gods to smite the source in his or her path. But they want to know, so if it's really all about what's right for the BS, then there's very little ambiguity there.

 

Take it for what it's worth.

[mopar crazy]

If my H were to cheat again I would want to know. It hurt like hell the first time when my friends told me of his infidelity but I was relieved to know what was going on instead of not knowing and living a lie and feeling like a fool.

 

If the OW really wanted me to know of their A I would rather know in a letter b/c honestly, I wouldn't want to break down in anger towards her b/c I would feel like she would be getting the best of me. Does that make sense?

 

H's xOW lied every time I called and asked her what was going on between her and my H. Even when she knew damn well I knew what was going on she still denied it. I knew they went places together b/c my friends or acquaintances seen them together and it got back to me. When I confronted her about it she lied. She even had the nerve to bitch at my H b/c I kept calling and accusing of her having an A w/ my H. He got sick of hearing her bitch about it so he had his lawyer write my lawyer a letter stating if I contacted the OW in any form she would take legal actions. I LMBO when I read that letter in my lawyers office. He thought I was going to get pissed but I wasn't, at first. I just thought it was funny he was trying to protect his GF from me.

[Babybird]

Of course the W wants to know that her H is a cheater but to hear it from the OW....I wouldn't want that. I would rather hear it from someone that I trusted, that I knew wasn't telling me this info because she had something to gain. Hearing from the OW would be more like including a kick in the teeth, to go along with the dagger in the heart. Reminds me of little kids singing 'I know something you don't know'.

 

The OW that tell his W obviously has a guilty conscience and a slight need for revenge. Come on now, R and A aren't church. Begging her for forgiveness is a mute point...unless she's a friend.

 

I don't think it's her(OW) place to tell. Having an A, keeping it as secret as possible and helping to break the marriage up quietly is at least kind of considerate.(Don't shredd me for that. Secret is better all around because until the W finds out then no one but the OW will get hurt and that''s her choice) Calling the W and throwing it in her face is just so...mean. I can't even think of another word for it. Why? Why would you want to intentionally hurt her like that?

 

I'm not debating that morality and righteousness or lack there of, of an A. I'm just saying if it happened, or is happeneing there is no reason to cause additional pain.

[Trialbyfire]

Babybird, are you an OW?

[Salicious Crumb]

If the mm doesn't keep his promises or treats the OW really badly then sure, the OW should phone the w.

 

A MM that is cheating on his wife keeping his "promises"??

Am I missing something here?

 

The only way of sorting out the men from the boys is to tell the wives about the A.

 

No, the way to sort the men from the boys is find the men who don't cheat on their wives.

 

Those wives who say they do not know, do not want to know.

Why should the mm get away with dumping you or not following through and then going back to his marriage as if nothing happened.

 

They shouldn't get away with it. Not sure it is the OW place to rat him out...but the BW deserves to know what a jackass she is married to...so I guess it doesn't really matter how she finds out.

 

At least he will be getting some fall out from the A, and his w will be giving him a hard time.

 

And justifiably so.

 

This course of action is for the manipulating, dishonest, spineless bas--rds who have told you that you will have a future with him. You will be hurting and so why shouldn't he!

 

And you don't think a man that was honest with his part-time lover isn't a dishonest, spineless, manipulating bas--rd for cheating on his wife??

 

I phoned the bs and my mm didn't contact me for a month, but then he called me to say that he understood how he had driven me to it and he apologised.

 

Wow...I take it all back...he is a swell guy.

[whichwayisup]

A MM that is cheating on his wife keeping his "promises"??

Am I missing something here?

 

The Guest poster I think means if the MM breaks promises to the OW, the OW should tell the wife.....

[serial muse]

Of course the W wants to know that her H is a cheater but to hear it from the OW....I wouldn't want that. I would rather hear it from someone that I trusted, that I knew wasn't telling me this info because she had something to gain. Hearing from the OW would be more like including a kick in the teeth, to go along with the dagger in the heart. Reminds me of little kids singing 'I know something you don't know'.

 

The OW that tell his W obviously has a guilty conscience and a slight need for revenge. Come on now, R and A aren't church. Begging her for forgiveness is a mute point...unless she's a friend.

 

I don't think it's her(OW) place to tell. Having an A, keeping it as secret as possible and helping to break the marriage up quietly is at least kind of considerate.(Don't shredd me for that. Secret is better all around because until the W finds out then no one but the OW will get hurt and that''s her choice) Calling the W and throwing it in her face is just so...mean. I can't even think of another word for it. Why? Why would you want to intentionally hurt her like that?

 

I'm not debating that morality and righteousness or lack there of, of an A. I'm just saying if it happened, or is happeneing there is no reason to cause additional pain.

 

Okay, listen, I read an interesting post from frannie on another thread where she points out that perhaps someone who isn't an OW might not be able to really understand why an OW might still see telling as a betrayal of the MM, even though such a betrayal might sound silly to a BS. It may be true that only an OW could understand that point, although in fact I think I actually do see that. But it's just not the point I was really trying to make.

 

But regardless, I think it's also worth pointing out that I see lots of OW making the argument that it's not an OW's "place" to tell, on the grounds that it hurts the BS more and an OW does care about her feelings and doesn't want to do that - that it's a kick in the teeth, a twist of the knife, etc. etc. But I'd argue that, as I said before, this argument is specious and (not to be too harsh here, but I do think this) a bit self-serving. I'm not saying that OW are heartless - I'm saying that it's a convenient argument that supports what they already want to do, and it imposes what the OW wants to believe on the BS' true state of mind. What I'm saying is, perhaps you'd need to be a BS to really understand this point: the BS doesn't care who tells her. Yes, she might hate you, but there is a bottom line here about truth and knowing what the hell has really been going on, and TRUST ME, that is her priority. And if we're going to bother to talk about what's best for the BS, then let's focus on the fact that it doesn't matter who tells her, and that, in general, the BS simply WANTS TO KNOW. Little else matters, from her point of view. Perhaps only a BS can REALLY understand the simple, but profound truth, of this statement. But believe me, it is true.

 

I get that OW want to protect themselves and may not want to put themselves in for more hurt. I really, really get that, and you've gotta do what you've gotta do to protect yourself. I don't begrudge anyone that.

 

But what gets me is the false argument that it's for the BS' good. Because that's not really what we're talking about here, and it irks me that there's a veneer of false nobility. frannie often makes the argument - rightly so - that people are human and one can't overestimate the power of human emotion when considering what they are likely to do. that is absolutely true. I allow that people are human, and I don't hate anyone for it, although I might wish they considered others' feelings more fluently before indulging their own.

 

But please, let's not pretend that the OW must maintain her "place" for anyone's good but the OW's (and possibly the MM's). If she doesn't tell, it may be because she simply wants to move on, which is understandable, or because she wants to protect the MM, even at the cost of her own happiness. But protecting the BS has nothing to do with it.

[Babybird]

But regardless, I think it's also worth pointing out that I see lots of OW making the argument that it's not an OW's "place" to tell, on the grounds that it hurts the BS more and an OW does care about her feelings and doesn't want to do that - that it's a kick in the teeth, a twist of the knife, etc. etc. But I'd argue that, as I said before, this argument is specious and (not to be too harsh here, but I do think this) a bit self-serving. I'm not saying that OW are heartless - I'm saying that it's a convenient argument that supports what they already want to do, and it imposes what the OW wants to believe on the BS' true state of mind. What I'm saying is, perhaps you'd need to be a BS to really understand this point: the BS doesn't care who tells her. Yes, she might hate you, but there is a bottom line here about truth and knowing what the hell has really been going on, and TRUST ME, that is her priority. And if we're going to bother to talk about what's best for the BS, then let's focus on the fact that it doesn't matter who tells her, and that, in general, the BS simply WANTS TO KNOW. Little else matters, from her point of view. Perhaps only a BS can REALLY understand the simple, but profound truth, of this statement. But believe me, it is true.

 

I get that OW want to protect themselves and may not want to put themselves in for more hurt. I really, really get that, and you've gotta do what you've gotta do to protect yourself. I don't begrudge anyone that.

 

But what gets me is the false argument that it's for the BS' good. Because that's not really what we're talking about here, and it irks me that there's a veneer of false nobility. frannie often makes the argument - rightly so - that people are human and one can't overestimate the power of human emotion when considering what they are likely to do. that is absolutely true. I allow that people are human, and I don't hate anyone for it, although I might wish they considered others' feelings more fluently before indulging their own.

 

But please, let's not pretend that the OW must maintain her "place" for anyone's good but the OW's (and possibly the MM's). If she doesn't tell, it may be because she simply wants to move on, which is understandable, or because she wants to protect the MM, even at the cost of her own happiness. But protecting the BS has nothing to do with it.

 

First off I'm and OW and was a BS. My last marriage broke up because he cheated. One time. A one night stand. He was drunk, she was drunk and neither of them remembered anything other than they had sex. He still denies it. She was supposed to be my best friend. I wish I never found out. Her other BF told me and I hated that woman. One slip up. Just one, destroyed our entire relationship. I tried to forgive him and just couldn't get past it. I hated him for the betrayal. I would rather have let the R unfold naturally, through fights and the rest of the BS that R go through than to have hated him and dealt with that kind of hurt.

 

If it was a long term A, I would want to know, yes. Absolutely. Would I want to hear it from the mouth of the W in the A....I don't think so. Like I said before I would rather have heard it from someone I trust. I have/had no reason to trust a word coming out of the mouth of the woman screwing my husband(if I chose to believe this stranger).

 

YOu are right about two things in regards to myself. One of the reasons I wouldn't want to tell her is totally selfish, self-preserving, and I guess you could say self-protecting. I wouldn't want anyone to know so I could be labeled everything all of the BS's say here. Our lives are so intertwined. He works for my families co. where I work, hangs out with my brothers, and is my friend to everyone that doesn't know. The other is that I would want to protect MM. Why wouldn't I? When you love someone you want to protect them. Children, spouse, Grandmother, whatever, you don't want to intentionally hurt them.

 

I still believe and back everything I said about not wanting to cause any additional pain to W. Because I'm having an A with her H doesn't mean I can't have concern for her as the mother of his child, and a person that was/is important to him and has been for 20+ years. I will give her that much respect even if that is the only respect I give her.

[Trialbyfire]

It's not healthy to want to protect someone so much that you would willingly lie for them except in the case of protecting your children/family from real harm. It's an erosion of your self-esteem and self-respect because in most cases, the MM would not do the same for you and most OW are aware of this. When the affair comes to light, many an MM have thrown their OW "under the bus".

[silktricks]

But regardless, I think it's also worth pointing out that I see lots of OW making the argument that it's not an OW's "place" to tell, on the grounds that it hurts the BS more and an OW does care about her feelings and doesn't want to do that - that it's a kick in the teeth, a twist of the knife, etc. etc. But I'd argue that, as I said before, this argument is specious and (not to be too harsh here, but I do think this) a bit self-serving. I'm not saying that OW are heartless - I'm saying that it's a convenient argument that supports what they already want to do, and it imposes what the OW wants to believe on the BS' true state of mind. What I'm saying is, perhaps you'd need to be a BS to really understand this point: the BS doesn't care who tells her.

 

Although I agree with everything you say here, including the BS doesn't care who tells her, I do think the OW, when/if telling the wife needs to do so very carefully. In other words, NOT in person. The first consuming feeling over something it was rage that was beyond reason. Speaking only for myself, I could have damaged the OW very badly, and by extension, myself very badly, had she been anywhere near me when I found out about it.

[serial muse]

Although I agree with everything you say here, including the BS doesn't care who tells her, I do think the OW, when/if telling the wife needs to do so very carefully. In other words, NOT in person. The first consuming feeling over something it was rage that was beyond reason. Speaking only for myself, I could have damaged the OW very badly, and by extension, myself very badly, had she been anywhere near me when I found out about it.

 

Yes, certainly. I'm not saying the OW should tell in person, by any stretch!

 

In fact, I think it's worth pointing out again that I'm not really saying the OW should do anything at all. She (or he, if an OM) should do exactly what they want, of course. I'm not arguing that there's any moral imperative of any kind.

 

I'm simply pointing out that the argument that an OW should not tell because it's somehow better for the BS is...well...BS.

 

And Babybird - I've never said that it's not understandable for an OW to be self-serving and want to protect herself. Of course she can. Self-serving doesn't necessarily mean it's evil; people can and should protect themselves in all sorts of ways. And do. As silktricks points out, I can't imagine someone would cheerfully want to offer themselves up to be screeched at or clawed at in person.

 

I just think it's grating to pretend that the cause is somehow self-less or noble. Because that, it isn't, and casting a veneer of nobility over it is, in my opinion, adding insult to injury.

 

Now to this:

 

First off I'm and OW and was a BS. My last marriage broke up because he cheated. One time. A one night stand. He was drunk, she was drunk and neither of them remembered anything other than they had sex. He still denies it. She was supposed to be my best friend. I wish I never found out. Her other BF told me and I hated that woman. One slip up. Just one, destroyed our entire relationship. I tried to forgive him and just couldn't get past it. I hated him for the betrayal. I would rather have let the R unfold naturally, through fights and the rest of the BS that R go through than to have hated him and dealt with that kind of hurt.

 

If it was a long term A, I would want to know, yes. Absolutely. Would I want to hear it from the mouth of the W in the A....I don't think so. Like I said before I would rather have heard it from someone I trust. I have/had no reason to trust a word coming out of the mouth of the woman screwing my husband(if I chose to believe this stranger).

 

You said it yourself: you hated him for the betrayal. I do think a one-night stand is different, on some level, than a long-term affair, and I think it probably goes without saying that we're generally talking about long-term affairs on these boards anyway, since that's what most of the OW/OM are embroiled in. So there's that.

 

But at any rate, the point is, he had already DONE the betrayal. What you hated was what he did, not that you knew. I realize it may not look that way now, but what I'm reading in what you wrote is that ultimately you expect the relationship would have unraveled anyway, through fighting and so forth. Besides, the OW was your friend. Do you really think you wouldn't have wanted to know, ultimately, what they had been up to? Supposing it had happened again, or developed into a long-term thing, because it was allowed to continue in secrecy? Would you have wanted to know then?

 

I'm not trying to tell you what you feel, I'm just saying that, after observing what many BS have gone through on here, and seeing both BS and OW/OM go through similar, familiar patterns of speaking and thinking about this issue, I have observed this: BS want to know about affairs. Yourself included. Not telling them is not a kindness, under any circumstances. It may be self-preservation, and that is reasonable. But it is not kindness. That's all I'm trying to say.

[silktricks]

I'm simply pointing out that the argument that an OW should not tell because it's somehow better for the BS is...well...BS.

 

I just think it's grating to pretend that the cause is somehow self-less or noble. Because that, it isn't, and casting a veneer of nobility over it is, in my opinion, adding insult to injury.

 

BS want to know about affairs. Yourself included. Not telling them is not a kindness, under any circumstances. It may be self-preservation, and that is reasonable. But it is not kindness. That's all I'm trying to say.

 

I agree 110%

[Trialbyfire]

In fact, I think it's worth pointing out again that I'm not really saying the OW should do anything at all. She (or he, if an OM) should do exactly what they want, of course. I'm not arguing that there's any moral imperative of any kind.

I agree with all of what you said but would like to add one thing. You have to look to yourself and decide if it's a moral imperative or not. Even if it's not a moral imperative and it's done completely from a self-serving perspective, if it helps you as a person come to terms with certain aspects of what your composite is, it's worthwhile.

[frannie]

Yes, BS want to know what is happening, very badly... but we all know that this is true...

 

Speaking only for myself, I could have damaged the OW very badly, and by extension, myself very badly, had she been anywhere near me when I found out about it.

 

Now how can you expect anyone to put themselves in this position..? Even if they HATE the MM... and they don't!

 

And I think SM is saying lots of correct things here... that no, it's not from any higher feeling for the BS that an OW would tell. But then... who on earth, who thought it through, could believe that they would tell from that motivation..? Only a BS who was believing that someone would put themselves in a completely horrible, dangerous, position for her sake..? Who would do that..? OW know how BS feel about them (and understandibly). And added to that... the OW is in a relationship (however deluded or not) with the MM... and their allegiance is to the MM, not the BS. No one can expect anything other than an OW NOT telling... surely..?

[frannie]

I agree with all of what you said but would like to add one thing. You have to look to yourself and decide if it's a moral imperative or not. Even if it's not a moral imperative and it's done completely from a self-serving perspective, if it helps you as a person come to terms with certain aspects of what your composite is, it's worthwhile.

 

But how often will anyone act from moral imperative and not be self-serving..? Unless you happen to be Socrates or Jesus.

 

How many BSs have said, ok, my husband did you a huge disservice in lying to you about being married to me... I am truly sorry... what can I do to help you..?

[silktricks]

But then... who on earth, who thought it through, could believe that they would tell from that motivation..?

 

Well, the OW who have said on this thread that would tell the BS for their sake are the one's who seem to want to believe that is their motivation. I've never heard of a BS who would believe that is their true motivation, however. . .

 

Which was what SM was trying to point out.

 

I think we're on the same page here, Frannie.

[Trialbyfire]

But how often will anyone act from moral imperative and not be self-serving..? Unless you happen to be Socrates or Jesus.

 

How many BSs have said, ok, my husband did you a huge disservice in lying to you about being married to me... I am truly sorry... what can I do to help you..?

 

I'm not disputing the self-serving part for the vast majority. Either way, it's reliant on the person and who they are as people and where they stand emotionally as at that point in time.

 

Touche!!

[Babybird]

You said it yourself: you hated him for the betrayal. I do think a one-night stand is different, on some level, than a long-term affair, and I think it probably goes without saying that we're generally talking about long-term affairs on these boards anyway, since that's what most of the OW/OM are embroiled in. So there's that.

 

But at any rate, the point is, he had already DONE the betrayal. What you hated was what he did, not that you knew. I realize it may not look that way now, but what I'm reading in what you wrote is that ultimately you expect the relationship would have unraveled anyway, through fighting and so forth. Besides, the OW was your friend. Do you really think you wouldn't have wanted to know, ultimately, what they had been up to? Supposing it had happened again, or developed into a long-term thing, because it was allowed to continue in secrecy? Would you have wanted to know then?

 

I'm not trying to tell you what you feel, I'm just saying that, after observing what many BS have gone through on here, and seeing both BS and OW/OM go through similar, familiar patterns of speaking and thinking about this issue, I have observed this: BS want to know about affairs. Yourself included. Not telling them is not a kindness, under any circumstances. It may be self-preservation, and that is reasonable. But it is not kindness. That's all I'm trying to say.

 

You have made a lot of good points. I suppose that in order to make the feelings of guilt less you decide it would be better for her not to know. Any which way the OW looks at keeping it secret as being a kind gesture can be turned right back around to show that deep down it's selfish. With all the selfish motives aside I still wouldn't want to cause her any additional pain. She hasn't done anything wrong.

 

And you're right if it had been long-term I would've wanted to know. I think the reason I hated him so much was because not only did I lose my trust and eventually my husband but my best friend as well. (It probably, 99% sure, would've ended anyway.)

[Meaplus3]

So many of you have posted thread's about if the A was long term the wife should know. My EA, slight PA was 18 month's. Even though I can say bye, bye to XMM, I still think his wife should know. This W lives next door and as far as she is knows her life is perfect. I have to interact with her because of my kid's and theirs and this is driving me nut's. It's not like I want to hurt her for revenge, it's just that I feel bad for her. I don't think she realize's what her H is like. I wish I could find away for her to know about the A so she would have a chance to see what could happen to her life, it seem's to me she is in a daze. I have known her for the past 10 years. I feel real bad now, wish I had never gotten involved with her H.

 

AP

[NightStarr8]

So many of you have posted thread's about if the A was long term the wife should know. My EA, slight PA was 18 month's. Even though I can say bye, bye to XMM, I still think his wife should know. This W lives next door and as far as she is knows her life is perfect. I have to interact with her because of my kid's and theirs and this is driving me nut's. It's not like I want to hurt her for revenge, it's just that I feel bad for her. I don't think she realize's what her H is like. I wish I could find away for her to know about the A so she would have a chance to see what could happen to her life, it seem's to me she is in a daze. I have known her for the past 10 years. I feel real bad now, wish I had never gotten involved with her H.

 

AP

 

Maybe she's happy thinking her life is perfect, maybe she already knows what he's like. If he's a serial cheater, she more than likely already suspects or knows.

 

Some women want to know, others do not. Which category does she fall in?

 

If she finds out, is there any chance the two can repair their marriage? Is marriage everything to her, would she consider divorce to be the worse thing that could happen to her? Would she stay in an unhappy marriage, just to be married?

 

Answer those questions from her perspective, not yours and then decide if you should tell her.

[MrsHellFire]

I'm not a bs, but in life we dont get the luxury to have everything come about in the way we want it. Bottom line is that I'd want to find out in some manner. I would like to be informed by someone. I really would PREFER it not be the ow, but I'd rather be informed by the ow than not at all. It's a shame that so many wives are blind and go on life never the wiser. Maybe some prefer it that way though.

It seems viewing the ow as competition is the reason for wives wanting to remain uninformed? Who cares what the ow's motives are? Exactly what makes that betraying husband worth fighting for after the fallout?

Knowing the sooner is the better imo. Especially when it's before there are children involved etc and still even if they are involved. Why get wrapped up in a man for 20 years when they dont even love you enough to remain faithful? I'd be so angry to know I wasted that much time getting screwed over.