patwheel Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 You know which... For me, it's been 1.5 yrs since my ex broke it off with me. Haven't contacted her ever since, neither did she. I am currently in a new relationship (6 months), where things are ok. But... Things aren't the same, and with new girl, not everything is rosy, of course every relationships are different. I keep on comparing the old one and the new one when we argue and for the first time in a long time, I am thinking of contacting my ex. Doesn't help that I am in my last year of law school, and everything is rushing all at once. Im in a period of my life where I could use a little support, and new girl isnt bringing that. Now, I haven't thought about her in a long time, but her bday just came up, valentines also...I miss the relationship that we had, and we killed it pretty badly, me more than her. She blames me for everything, and from what I can hear is that she is still bitter, and became more and more bitter as a person. I know that there is no love between us anymore, but I can only remember that for about 3 yrs she was my best friend and I was hers. I was there for her, and she was there up until she left. I haven't done anything yet, but I am having thoughts of emailing her, at the risk of opening up the pandora box and hurt like day one. Kinda crazy when I think about it, when you think you've moved on and it's still there. I know im setting myself up for failure and more heartbreak, since there is nothing left, and she thinks of me as the devil and didnt even contact me. Should I even bother? After all this time (1.5 yrs of NC), reconnecting? Or should I just focus on my life, and learn from the past? Help!
RichC Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 If you do not face the end of the relationship squarely than every relationship from the breakup will be competing with her. And doing the women you are in the relationship with a grave disservice. DON'T CONTACT HER!!! Evidently you still are not over her yet. Do you still think you have a chance to rekindle something with her? Be honest. If not you have to develop some tools to deal with the end of the relationship. How's your social life? Got enough going on to keep you occupied and thinking of other things than her? Browse the boards and find out what people did to help them "get over" the last relationship.
Tormented Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 If you don't mind my asking, Pat, what brought on the demise of your relationship with the ex? What did you do that has made her feel so bitter? ~T~
Author patwheel Posted February 18, 2007 Author Posted February 18, 2007 If you don't mind my asking, Pat, what brought on the demise of your relationship with the ex? What did you do that has made her feel so bitter? ~T~ Not at all, I became sick, had Graves disease (thyroid related), which made me had moodswings and became very cranky. Not a fun disease at all, took away my early 20s, but when I finally started to get better, she was already starting to fall out of love. I don't blame her for not sticking around, but blaming me for all of it is not fair. I think within me, I believe that I didnt deserve it, since other factors outside of my control came into play. Other thing that I believe is that I am much better now, completely normal, and I guess somehow with her bday that just passed, I want to show her that I am normal again. Useless probably, since her memories of me are probably just bad ones, since she is so bitter about relationships(so I hear).
Tormented Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 Hmmm...I don't why she would choose to be so bitter if your crime was "crankiness" and nothing more. Especially so if there was a medical condition causing it. Now, I could understand this type of bitterness if there was cheating or a betrayal of some sort involved, but that doesn't seem to be the case here. My advice will most likely go against the current of others here. I think you SHOULD contact her, let her know why you behaved (moodiness) the way you did in the event she doesn't know. Express to her your remorse for acting the way you do, but also emphasize that it was out of your control and had nothing to do with your feelings for her. I think that by doing so, it will help her to move past the bitterness, and help you to move on as well because you've had the chance to get it off your chest and set the record right. My guess is you're having these thoughts about her, not out of love for her, but because you now understand why you behaved the way you did and it haunts you that she was subjected to it, although it was beyond your control. And I think it also bothers you that it has caused her some damage (bitterness) when it was never your intention to hurt her. Contact her and tell her the truth. I think it will set you both free. Good luck! ~T~
LakesideDream Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 Tormented. Life is to short to spend time and effort agonizing over something like you are. If it will MAKE YOU HAPPY, send her a flower arraingment, or candies with a short note, something like: "I think about you often" and sign it. Never know what could happen. Maybe nothing, maybe something pleasant.
kitten chick Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 You're setting yourself up for heartbreak but sometimes you need to suffer a little heartbreak to get past something. It has to be your decision and you have to be prepared for a not so plesant outcome. Really think about what it is that you want to happen knowing that this relationship can't be prepared.
norajane Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 If you have intentions of contacting your ex, then you MUST break up with your current girlfriend. You need to decide where you stand with your current gf before trying to pursue your ex. If you intend to stay with your current gf until you know whether your ex will take you back or not......that makes you a deceptive liar thinking only of yourself, which is a bad way to treat your current girl and a bad way to start off with the ex.
LakesideDream Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 If you have intentions of contacting your ex, then you MUST break up with your current girlfriend. You need to decide where you stand with your current gf before trying to pursue your ex. If you intend to stay with your current gf until you know whether your ex will take you back or not......that makes you a deceptive liar thinking only of yourself, which is a bad way to treat your current girl and a bad way to start off with the ex. Norajane, The poster didn't mention whether he was shacking up with the new "girl", certainly didn't indicate they were married. It sounded to me like they were DATING. If so he doesen't owe her anything, not a "break up", not even a mention of his actions. That's what DATING is all about, gathering information, to make future decisions about without all the baggage that come along with a "LTR". Sometimes it seems that members here forget that Lincoln emancipated the slaves in 1864. Going out with someone does not create a contract of any kind. Frankly I don't think "shacking up" does either unless children issue from the "relationship". Let's see a ring... engagment, or marriage before demanding someone make disclaimers, and feels that they owe explainations for their innocent actions. A flower arraingment or box of candy isn't "cheating"... unless you are on a diet.
Author patwheel Posted February 19, 2007 Author Posted February 19, 2007 Thank you all for your advices. It's a tricky situation. I was cranky and moody, more acting like a child than yelling at her. It was a difficult situation for her and me, and having it happened when we were both trying to find ourselves (early to mid 20s), I am actually very thankful and amazed that she stayed with me and took care of me. Last I heard from her, she is striking out on relationships, bitter at men in general, and would much rather become a single career woman. She has also turned the entire school (another law school) against her within the past year; I have no idea how, but I feel responsible for what is happening to her, but then again, a long time has passed and her life her choices. I know she claims to every former friends that we had in common that she never loved me, and that she regretted everything. I on the other hand went up from that point on. Had a couple hard months, especially since the breakup was so close from post-surgery, and when my body got accostumed to the new me without thyroid, life became great. I am feeling guilty, and it is eating me from inside out, knowing that there is the one person that I loved and that cared for me at one point, hates me. It's not going to be pleasant but I am not expecting anything either. I let go of her long time ago, and any feelings of resentment is gone. I wish she would too. I feel like I owe it to her, but I know that I will probably run into a wall and a non-understanding mind. As far as the new girl goes, we are just dating, and it's not really what I am looking for in a relationship. But no, I have no intention of setting things up for a new term with the ex, just want to throw it out there that she should not be bitter anymore and offer my help as a friend, since we are both finishing up law school and she kinda screwed up some important networking relationships at her school. It might seem to some that I still love my ex, it is true that I have feelings for her, but I feel more like a friend towards her than anything else. At first, she was fine, hanging out with friends and all that, so I did not worry about her, but now all I hear is that she is depressed and all...
norajane Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Norajane, The poster didn't mention whether he was shacking up with the new "girl", certainly didn't indicate they were married. It sounded to me like they were DATING. If so he doesen't owe her anything, not a "break up", not even a mention of his actions. That's what DATING is all about, gathering information, to make future decisions about without all the baggage that come along with a "LTR". Sometimes it seems that members here forget that Lincoln emancipated the slaves in 1864. Going out with someone does not create a contract of any kind. Frankly I don't think "shacking up" does either unless children issue from the "relationship". Let's see a ring... engagment, or marriage before demanding someone make disclaimers, and feels that they owe explainations for their innocent actions. A flower arraingment or box of candy isn't "cheating"... unless you are on a diet. He said: I am currently in a new relationship (6 months), where things are ok. If I've been in a relationship with someone for 6 months, and then found out he was contacting his ex in hopes of getting back together with her while he was still f*cking me, I'd be mad as hell. Even if she didn't take him up on his offer, I'd still be mad as hell...because he'd be showing that he really wants her, but he'll settle for me until he can win her back. One relationship at a time. If he wants to be with his ex, fine. Break up with the woman who believes she is in a relationship with him.
LakesideDream Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Nora, look a bit above your post! He says "they" are just dating. A friendly jesture toward his ex isn't out of place and it isn't any of his current "girl" friends business unless it becomes much more than a friendly jesture. This "relationship" Nazi thing is out of hand. Dates don't make "relationships". It's the 21st Century for gawd's sake. Isn't this exactly the point of the sexual revolution of the sixties? Sex without relationships, free love and the pill, liberated women? I must have missed the Storm Trooper part.
norajane Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Nora, look a bit above your post! He says "they" are just dating. A friendly jesture toward his ex isn't out of place and it isn't any of his current "girl" friends business unless it becomes much more than a friendly jesture. This "relationship" Nazi thing is out of hand. Dates don't make "relationships". It's the 21st Century for gawd's sake. Isn't this exactly the point of the sexual revolution of the sixties? Sex without relationships, free love and the pill, liberated women? I must have missed the Storm Trooper part. A 6 month relationship and Just Dating are two different things...who knows what his girlfriend believes they are doing? Do they spend 3-4 nights a week together? Or one day every couple of weeks? It makes a huge difference if she is thinking this is a relationship and he is pining for his ex. He's not being honest if that's what he is doing. If she thinks they are casually dating and are free to date others, no problem. I just doubt that's what she thinks. Most women who date for 6 months believe it's a relationship unless it's clear they are free to see other people. Sexual revolution blah blah. Just because women are free to have sex without as much fear of pregancy as before, doesn't make a damn bit of difference if they are in love. We have not been liberated from having emotions and falling for a guy who's been in our lives for 6 months, especially when we've been having sex with them.
LakesideDream Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 OK.. must be me. I do know that when I date a lady... dinner, a movie, show, etc. it's a DATE. I've dated some of the same gals for a couple of years (often without sex). I'm up front about my next "relationship" being my last relationship. Maybe that's why I haven't been married a couple of times in the last five years eh? Quality before quanity.
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