Guest Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 I have only recently found this forum and it is briliant in my opinion. My question is to OW who are reaching crunch time with their mm and are at a crossroads. I have been the OW for 4 years and basically am getting impatient with "the kids are still young" excuse. I really do want to press him for an answer but am worried and scared. If he says he won't leave, and I still decide to stay as the OW, then I am frightened that he thinks I will tolerate that role for years and years. If I leave he might think that I have decided to cut and run and wasn't that bothered to fight for him by being supportive. We had a few months NC about a year ago, and when contact was resumed he said that he had been having some difficulties at home with the W. Do you think that might have been because he was adjusting to his marriage without me in it and I should have stayed away? Since we resumed, he is constantly worried, checking his mobile phone, saying he doesn't feel well and then leaving me early to get home before the w gets back from work. Any ideas anyone. I will admit that I did rather throw myself at him after NC, but he could have said "No thanks" couldn't he? Or maybe his marriage is better with me in it. It sounds like it is all about tactics and imposing NC but that doesn't fit well with me.
torranceshipman Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 If I were you, I'd impose NC with the intention of walking away for good....and never go back to the guy. He is putting you a very clear 2nd, and has absolutely no intention of leaving his W. He's also shown that even with NC he wont leave his W. My feeling is that a lot of MMs really love their OW, but they are very weak, cowardly people and they are NOT able to face up to their responsibilities and face up to ending their M. He is a very selfish person, having put you through this for so long. If you have faith that the guy really does love you, go for NC believing its over for good...and say to him that you'd like to see him again if he is ever single. Harder said than done, I know....but remember you deserve to be treated with love and respect and this guy is treating you really badly-and treating the W v.badly too. Or you could tell the W then you all know the truth and the MM would have to be honest for once!!
norajane Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 I have been the OW for 4 years and basically am getting impatient with "the kids are still young" excuse. I really do want to press him for an answer but am worried and scared. If he says he won't leave, and I still decide to stay as the OW, then I am frightened that he thinks I will tolerate that role for years and years. You have already shown him that you will tolerate being an OW for years and years. If he hasn't left his W in 4 years, he's not planning to. If I leave he might think that I have decided to cut and run and wasn't that bothered to fight for him by being supportive. Uh-huh. And what has he done to fight for you? He's had 4 years to decide what to do with his marriage and your relationship. Whether you leave or stay with him, he's still not going to end his marriage. We had a few months NC about a year ago, and when contact was resumed he said that he had been having some difficulties at home with the W. Do you think that might have been because he was adjusting to his marriage without me in it and I should have stayed away? Who initiated NC and why? Did he stop contacting you? I have a feeling his wife got suspicious about his affair (maybe he also has another OW?), and that's why things were difficult. Since we resumed, he is constantly worried, checking his mobile phone, saying he doesn't feel well and then leaving me early to get home before the w gets back from work. He's not sick; he's trying not to get caught. His W must be suspicious. I will admit that I did rather throw myself at him after NC, but he could have said "No thanks" couldn't he? Or maybe his marriage is better with me in it. Well, why would he turn you down after you threw youself at him and offered a no-strings relationship again? Whatever he is getting out of your relationship, yes, it's making it easier for him to stay in his marriage. It sounds like it is all about tactics and imposing NC but that doesn't fit well with me. He's not leaving his wife, so no matter what you do, it doesn't matter. NC should be to help you move on, to end this, to get over him.
Jinxx Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 I have been the OW for 4 years and basically am getting impatient with "the kids are still young" excuse. Speaking from past experience as a BS, "the kids are still young" is just a lame-ass excuse. Four years is a long time to be an OW and put your life on hold. If he truly loved you and wanted to be with you, then he'd leave. He does not have to lose his kids to do this.
Kenzo Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 I think for these guys the "kids excuse" is not really an excuse, I think they really believe it's the reason, they cannot leave their children. I am living with this excuse as well, god it sucks! As an adult child of divorce...I wish my parents had done it when I was young, no adjustment, life is what it is, knowing they waited until the kids were old enough to understand puts a lot of guilt on me to this day. I think that the MM in our lives tend to think that if they leave we would be some all encompassing force in their lives, wanting them to change. As if their kids and their past would disappear. I could and would share him with his past as long as I had the future. If I could just wake up next to him every morning then I'd know he's mine.
sadbuttrue Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 i am sorry you are in this situation. i understand your pain well. there comes a time when you must just do what is best for yourself. if you are not happy being the other woman, then change it. if you accept it, which i dont feel that you do, then yes i believe he will keep you in just that position indefinitely. my MM uses his kids as an excuse too not to leave the marriage. i do not think it is a bogus excuse, but it does mean that he is not yet willing to leave for you. just do what is best for you and only you, do not think about what MM would want you to do. he is doing what is best for him right now, and not thinking about you. good luck.
Kenzo Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 I am not ready to let him go...that I know for sure. We are only just beginning. I guess what I was trying to say it that I feel for them it is not an excuse, they feel it is a valid reason. I can't tell you how many times he has said "let's just enjoy each other"...blah blah blah. The feelings are real for both of us but being that our relationship is so new (5 months) i am split right down the middle-cut my losses or follow my heart...leaving him would devastate us both. I do accept being the OW...I don't like it, but I am so weak!
Kenzo Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 I have been the OW for 4 years and basically am getting impatient with "the kids are still young" excuse. 4 excruciating years??? That is something I cannot look forward to... How do you maintain it that long w/o going mad?
pricillia Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 4 excruciating years??? That is something I cannot look forward to... How do you maintain it that long w/o going mad? You don't.......................
GreenEyedLady Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Guest: 4 years is a long time...I think you need to ask yourself: What do I want? Do you want to continue in the A? Or move on with your life? I don't believe in NC, either break-up or don't...It seems that he is perfectly happy to keep you as his OW and the only way he'll find out what life will be like without you,is if you break-up with him...then you are free... I can't imagine 4 years of an A...two years was plenty for me...I really believe that if something is meant to be, it will be...no one can force it...and we can't allow our love for someone else to supercede our love for ourself... I see it as you have two choices here: end it and move on or stay an OW...
puddleofmud Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Agree with GEL: your "options" are exactly what they already are and most likely will not change unless you change them. And, correct that NC may do little to nothing in your situation unless used to sincerely END the affair. You are the only one who can decide what is best for YOU and what you wish your life to be. Either accept what you "have" or not. If this is what you wish than you already have it on a silver platter as it doesn't seem likely that MM will end it since it has transpired for a very long time. Best wishes and hope that you continue to figure out what it is that YOU want!
frannie Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 I have only recently found this forum and it is briliant in my opinion. My question is to OW who are reaching crunch time with their mm and are at a crossroads. I have been the OW for 4 years and basically am getting impatient with "the kids are still young" excuse. I really do want to press him for an answer but am worried and scared. If he says he won't leave, and I still decide to stay as the OW, then I am frightened that he thinks I will tolerate that role for years and years. If I leave he might think that I have decided to cut and run and wasn't that bothered to fight for him by being supportive. We had a few months NC about a year ago, and when contact was resumed he said that he had been having some difficulties at home with the W. Do you think that might have been because he was adjusting to his marriage without me in it and I should have stayed away? Since we resumed, he is constantly worried, checking his mobile phone, saying he doesn't feel well and then leaving me early to get home before the w gets back from work. Any ideas anyone. I will admit that I did rather throw myself at him after NC, but he could have said "No thanks" couldn't he? Or maybe his marriage is better with me in it. It sounds like it is all about tactics and imposing NC but that doesn't fit well with me. Hello there. Well I'm in a similar sort of situation to you. I've known him 3 years, and I'm most definitely at a crossroads. I've also gone NC last year and then got back together with him. I don't have a specific thread on this board, but you can probably find quite a few posts from me about my situation. My MM (WBAsmethwick) had a thread of his own on Separation and Divorce which covers some of the basics from his point of view. Like Kenzo I think that while other people might think 'staying for the kids' is a crock, I do believe that the MM think that's a valid reason (you only have to read some threads in Sep and Div, and other places on LS to know that people DO stay married for the sake of their kids, from their own mouths). Either way, that's the reason they're giving. And even if there weren't a reason... they're not leaving, they're not leaving, they're not leaving is all you need to know. It doesn't matter WHY... as far as the fact they're not going to be in your life full-time. What I'd say about your post here is that it's all about HIM. What does he think about this..? What would he think of that..? How will he react to this..? I think this way of thinking is a huge mistake and gets no one anywhere. It shows (imho) that you're forgetting what YOU want/need but more than that... that you're trying to subtly manipulate what he does. You should do what feels right for you to do. Let him do what he wants... even if that means a big fat nothing. I'm saying this because personally, after three years of this, I'm getting tired of doing all the doing while he does all of the (not) reacting... passively allowing me to come and go, make suggestions or plans, offer solutions... he just looks on like a big, annoying lump at times and I really want to scream! Yes, I'm having a bad day! But it's all part of the process of understanding about myself and him and how we managed to make such an enormous mess of things
NightStarr8 Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 If I leave he might think that I have decided to cut and run and wasn't that bothered to fight for him by being supportive. You've given him four years, that's a lot of support and fighting for a relationship with him. Since we resumed, he is constantly worried, checking his mobile phone, saying he doesn't feel well and then leaving me early to get home before the w gets back from work. He's not compartmentalizing well when he's with you, his feelings of guilt are overwhelming him and he's panicking when he's with you. He needs to work through the guilt, confront and accept his actions. He needs a therapist. Or maybe his marriage is better with me in it. His marriage isn't better with you in his life. His life is more bearable with you in it, which makes it more tolerable to put up with the marriage. When you're not in his life, he has no distractions from the intolerability of his marriage. It sounds like it is all about tactics and imposing NC but that doesn't fit well with me. If you use NC as a game to get him to divorce, it won't work. It rarely does. And when it does, the post divorce relationship you have with him is often filled with resentment on his part. If the kids are his reason for not leaving, he needs to deal with that along with his guilt. He needs a therapist. If you want more from him, you would be much better off making it conditional that he seek therapy if he wants you to stay in his life than you would be to play the NC game.
torranceshipman Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Kenzo, if its only been 4 months, I honestly would consider getting out now. I left after 6 months, and it was very hard, but I can understand how people get pulled into these things for years - I honestly feel like I've had a lucky escape, and it's still so hard to deal with the split (which is natural I guess). Believe me, your guy might love you, but as long as he has both of you, he wont take steps to change anything. If you leave him, you're giving him the choice to step up to the plate - or be too weak to leave his W - and hey, if he chooses the first, thats a hell of a lot more romantic than all the secret encounters, romantic phone calls, sense of longing, and whatever else you get in an affair - it shows he is a stand up guy capable of action AND that he cares deeply for you.
Kenzo Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Kenzo, if its only been 4 months, I honestly would consider getting out now. I left after 6 months, and it was very hard, but I can understand how people get pulled into these things for years - I honestly feel like I've had a lucky escape, and it's still so hard to deal with the split (which is natural I guess). I think about it everyday, but I can't do it...the attraction, the connection, it's too strong, I feel like i just need to give him some time. I know that sounds crazy on here and everyone at some point has said that, but we both know we were meant for each other...
stillafool Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 To me the old "I'm staying for the kids" is the best excuse a MM can give to not leave. What woman is heartless enough to want to take a man a way from his kids? Most of us women have a weakness for little kids and animals, and men know it and use it. I know it isn't easy when the heart is involved, but when you take the low road you always seem to have regret. When you chose the high road you can always look back and be proud of your decision. You say that after 4 years he's now leaving you early to get home before his wife does - that doesn't sound like he's planning on getting a divorce from her.
frannie Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 I think about it everyday, but I can't do it...the attraction, the connection, it's too strong, I feel like i just need to give him some time. I know that sounds crazy on here and everyone at some point has said that, but we both know we were meant for each other... I know exactly how you feel. That's how I felt for a huge amount of time during our affair... give him more time. Tonight, the second of three nights he'll be here this week, we went out to dinner. I asked him how he was feeling... blah blah. We started talking about the past few years and he said... 'at first WE were taking it easy, getting to know each other, free and easy and thinking yeah, this is good...' he was meaning to go on to (and eventually he did, once I'd interjected) how now he knows for certain that I'm the woman he wants to be with for the rest of his life... etc. BUT the point is... that way back WHEN he was 'getting to know you, having a great time...'... they just do NOT realise the hell that the OW is going through... ... I know that because my interjection was... err... hello... the first few months/years of our relationship was absolute hell for me... I was going through this and this and this and this and you were thinking... ohhhhh... this is nice. Yes.. YOU are 'getting to know' him... but you're also going through untold pain that he just isn't feeling... because he's ... well, he's just not. Think about it. For him, he's been married x years... and he's just found someone who he feels something for... his options are just opening out while yours are closing. They do not know what we're feeling... no idea. None.
sadbuttrue Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 frannie you are so right. these MM do not realize how we suffer. when they leave us, they have a whole other life to attend to and keep them busy, another woman to attend to. for most of us, these MM are a bigger part of our lives. we feel as if we are in a real relationship, to them it is just different. i dont think i know how to explain it either. but i know i suffered because i knew he was going home to a wife while i stayed alone. they just can not move as fast as we would like them to.
Kenzo Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 sometimes I feel like I am just a hobby, a really really fun one, but a hobby none-the-less. He has said when he goes home it's not that he doesn't miss me but he has other things to occupy his time; i have a million things I should be doing- lately everything including my job has been falling by the wayside. I consider him my best friend...there is nothing I won't tell him, nothing I won't do with him, NC is just not an option right now, I'd rather suffer through the hard days and have him in my life.
Recommended Posts