Wife joking with church member/after E.A.

[Eng3]

Hello can someone tell me how my wife should act around the person she had a emotional affair with, after it has been brought out. My wife was conversating with a male member of our church, who is also apart of our singing group. He is married and my wife is friends with his wife. When I found out about it, I did not tell his with. I confronted both of them about it, and he said that it was just conversation about me and my wife, he was listening to her and giving advice to her. He said that it was wrong, but my wife was mad because I had phone out about it, by checking her cell phone bill. I had told her before, several times before I found out about it this that I though that she was joking with him alittle to much. She would say nobody is doing anything. She would always downplay it. Come to find out that she was talking on the phone also. If she felt that she was not doing anything wrong, how come she did not tell my about the phone calls. She had said that she was going to do all these stuff to let me know that it was wrong and a done deal, but she has not done anything really. The joking around is what made me think somthing was not right. Her it is a year and a half, and she is still joking around when we go to church, and she wonders why I can not get over it. Everytime we go to church she acts like she has to speak to him when he speaks to her. I mean why not so hello and go about your bussiness. She acts like this never happened. I trust him more than her. I believe that she was the one that started it. I think the joking was what started it. Now she thinks that I just want to argue for nothing because she saids that she is not even thing about that man, get over it. But can I if she if she is still doing the same old thing. I do not go to church every sunday like I did then, because I work 2 sundays in a row, then I go to church on the other sundays. I asked her waht does she do around him when I am not there and she saids that she does not say anything to him, but I not beleive her.

 

The question that I want to know is how should she conduct herself given the situation. Is it ok for her to joke even if nothing is going on. She saids that nothing is going on, but we argue about the joking all the time. She acts like it is somthing that she just has to do.

[Guest]

She shouldn't be around him at all if possible. Change services or churches or at the least stop talking to him.

 

There should be NC between her and the OM. Period.

[polywog]

It's not clear to me from your post that she was/is having an EA with this guy.

Sounds like she is just friends with him, but you don't like it. Can you be more specific about why you think this is an EA?

[Eng3]

I am not 100% shore if it was a E.A.. But it was the begining of one. Me and my wife were going through things and she did not want to talk to me about it, she talked to him. He said that it was wrong and that he would not liked it if it had been his wife and me doing it. I can see by the cell bill that he was calling her during his lunchbreak at his job. She would call him after our rehersal at church. Why would she call him and she just saw him at church. After male chours rehersal me and my wife have a never rehersal. He would leave and she has called him when she would go upstairs for somthing.

 

The whole point of this thing is that she did not like it when I 1st started going to her church, and some of the females would joke with me and I would joke back. She asked me not to do it because it might send them the wrong message. I did what she asked and that was that. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, she has a problem with me asking her to do the same thing with this guy. She said that nothing is going on and I need to forget the past. She still jokes around eventhough she knows that I have a problem with it. I just do not trust them anymore.

 

We were friends because of our singing group, but now I feel like he befriended me. She does not make it any better buy not telling the whole truth. She admits that it could have lead to a E.A., but never sexual. I feel that if you can admit that it was possible, why would you continue to do what made you closer in the 1st place, and that is to joke around. It is small % of flirting. He tries to be my friend, and I beleive that he is true. My wife on the other had can not seem to keep it on a professional level. She needs to heed to her own advice, she took it a little farther than I did. It is a double standard.

[norajane]

Are they still talking on the cell phone? Because that needs to stop.

 

Ask her if she truly understands how you feel. Ask her - even if she thinks you are over-reacting - if she could respect your feelings and stop joking around and talking with this guy all the time. Tell her you understand that she thinks she is not doing anything inappropriate, but that her behavior IS actually hurting you, and that you would like her to respect your wishes on this.

 

I don't think it is too much to ask, and if he doesn't mean anything to her, it shouldn't be too much for her to stay away from him because it hurts you.

[Sup]

Remind your wife what she did when the other women were joking around with you, and how SHE didn't like it and asked you to stop, and you did. You gotta CALL her on HER double standard. It can become sexual, if it hasn't already, in which case I wouldn't be surprised. She's hiding something, IMO.

[Eng3]

No my wife is not talking on the cell. This whole thing came about a year or so ago. She stopped talking on the phone, and she said that she was going to do all these things to let me know that she was not doing it still. She suggested changing her cell #, not going to church service unless I was there and so on. When It came down to it, she did not do anything. She avoided him for awhile, but now she is doing the joking thing. When it was me joking, I had stopped with not problem doing it. I just wanted to make her happy. She jokes around and thinks she is not doing anything wrong. If we are at church, I can help but to keep my eye on them. I do not believe that anything is going on , but was is it that she acts like she just can't ignore him. I do not mind them talking about church stuff, but thats it. She wants me to leave these in the past, but how can I, If i see her doing what cause this in the 1st place, joking. If I bring somthing up about this she gets mad and does not want to talk about it. I tell her that it makes me feel unconfortable, but it does not seem to make. To be honest, I couldn't care if she ever said a nother word to him again. I really do not know what it is going to take to make her stop. She saids that she is not trying to get withy him or anything, so why should I worry.

[norajane]

Have you told her it HURTS you that she's doing this, and out of respect for your feelings as your wife, she should stop?

 

Have you told her it doesn't matter what she thinks she's doing or isn't doing with him, that what matters is that it HURTS you that she won't respect your wishes?

 

Have you told her that you stopped flirting with women at church when she asked you to, and that you don't see why she can't do the same? Have you asked her how she would feel if you started flirting with those women again? Maybe you should, and see how she feels about it!

[Eng3]

Yes I have told her how it makes me feel. I have also reminded her about the girls that I was joking with. None of this seems to matter. She has said that either I need to get over this, or go our seperate ways. Every time I try to talk about it , she gets mad and will not respond or anything.

 

I would hate to have to do what she is doing just to make her feel like I do, but what else can I do. She seems to be ok with doing things that are not being done to her. She does not ever try to see thing from my point of veiw. She says that I just want to argue. When we do talk about stuff like this, she says you can talk all you want, but I am justgoing to listen. It is like talking to my self. She thinks that I have issues.

 

I am going to talk to her agin about this on tomorrow, and see how she resonds.

 

One thing I can say is that he jokes with the other females there to. My wife is not the only one. There are more females than males. My wife says that she is not the only female that he jokes with. The thing is that she crossed the line by conversating on the phone. None of these other females are married. If he was or is talking on the phone with them, thats their bessiness. If she thought that she was not doing anything wrong, how come it was hidden from me and his wife. I did not tell her because I did not think it was worth teelling her. The joking might not be anything of concern, But I still do not want her to to it with him. I did not think I was doing anything wrong when I was doing it. I was not trying to get with any of those girls, but I stopped anyway, and she did not have to ask twice.

[Sup]

Listen, SHE is disrepecting you, I suggest that you contact a Lawyer, and see what your rights are. Do you have any children, if so protect them so YOU get custody. Then I suggest that you ask HER why it was HIDDEN from you and HIS wife. Then I suggest that YOU take your wife UP on the offer, and go separate ways. She said that because SHE KNOWS you won't, time to prove her wrong, in any case YOU'LL be better off. She's having her "cake" and eating it too, time to take away the cake.... I'm sure that'll get her REALLY MAD!

[Eng3]

The phone sit happened over a year ago, and I can forgive and forget that. I think it was conversation only, but still I did not like it. She works 2 jobs and does not have time for anything else. She has two son that keep her busy as well. The thing is that I really do not like the joking or kidding around. She make it seem asthough he is so funny. She had stopped joking for a good while and even avoided him for a while. Now she acts like since things have boiled over, it is ok to do it again. Just because things have mellowed done, I want her to stick to her guns and not joke with him. I think that if it had been me doing what she did, she would not want me to joke with that female anymore. It seems that it is ok for her to do things that are not happening to her. I do not mind her talking to her about church stuff, or asking questions because does work for the church, but thats it. I do not waht her to get comfortable agin with him. I do not care if he does joke with everyone esle, it's my wife that I do not like it with. I will see how this sunday goes at church.

[lovelorcet]

I am sorry but this all sounds like something from 3rd grade...

[Vchica99]

Eng3,

 

You have mentioned several times how active you are in your church. Why not put that to good use? Is there someone there that the two of you can talk to? There are bound to be some offerings from your church for marriages in trouble. Don't approach it from an accusatory standpoint but rather you just want to improve your relationship with her. There is a reason why she feels the need to continue chatting with this guy and if it is indeed innocent, there is a reason why seeing her talk to him upsets you so badly. I would venture to say that BOTH of your feelings have little to do with the actual act of her talking to him. There is something greater going on for both of you and if you value your marriage you will dig a little deeper. Good Luck!

[Eng3]

I really can not rely on my church to help. Even if they had did somthing, they would not want to know it. They think highly of my wife and also of him, this is a very small church. My wife had suggested that we leave at one time, that was one of her solutions to fixing this problem. She changed her mind after awhile for some reason. I beleive that she feels like this is a done deal, and not worth talking about. The only problem I have is the constat reminder of the joking. It makes it hard to forgrt about the sit. She should have anoth respect to atleast not do it when I am at church. She knows how I feel about it and still does it. All of us were good friends at one time, because we are in a singing group together at church. I feel that they took things past the friendship stage. Our Bishop said that none of our memebers should be discussing our marriage sits with others. This is what they were supposed to be doing. They were talking about me and my wife. If she needed somone to talk to, she should have been talking to his wife instead, to be sneaky about it has to make you wonder. I am very honest with her and I wish she would be the same.

 

To the one poster, It may sound like 3rd grade stuff, but thats your opinion, we all have one.

 

If you upset your spouse for some reason, maybe because of your actions, you need to stop doing what you have done to do it. You can not stop %50. That other % is going to always remind you of the sit. She was sorry for what she did beacuse she know that it was wrong, so did he. The joking probally is what I hate the most, this is what made me think somthing was up. This is why I checked her cell bill beacuse they were joking around to much.

[Sup]

I suggest installing a good keylogger, he may have a computer too. You have every right to feel threatened by this guy, he's invading in on your wife, also, I suggest a new church, FAST!