TorontoJohn Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 I need some advice. I have been dating a girl for about 3 months. We currently live 5 hours apart. Our long distance relationship started with a bang. We really connected with each other and our feelings grew quickly. I have been driving to see her as often as I can (almost every weekend). She has been very affectionate and open with her feelings - until recently. She told me that the loves me, that she misses me, that she doesnt want me to go home and that I should stay longer when I visit. We've had "what if" conversations about moving to the same city and I would be willing if things get serious enough. I would really like to have a "normal" relationship with her and see how it goes. I would not make a huge move like this unless I was confident that it would eventually work to be something more. However, recently I have noticed a change in her demenor and level of affection. She works full time and is in school part time. It's a priority for her to do well - which I fully support. She has another year or so until she finishes her masters, and in that time she needs to devote a lot of attention to her studies. Since we've been dating her grades have suffered and as a result - I think - made her question this relationship. She has closed herself off from any serious discussions about her feelings and gets angry when I try to get her to talk. We seem to have completely different communication styles. I like to talk and she is more reserved. She told me recently that she is a very independent person, that she doesnt need anybody, that she is not an affectionate person that needs to say or hear "i love you" a lot, and that she likes a lot of "me time". She has reversed her "please stay longer, dont go home" affection with "I think we spend a lot of time together and I normally wouldnt spend days on end with someone the way we do". This has obviously put my defenses up. Considering we only get to spend 1 full day a week together at best. She needs 2 weekends a month to go to school and do her work; which if you do the math means we only have 2 full days a month together. I really want to respect her space and I know how important her grades are. But I cant help but wonder if she truely wants this to move forward anymore. We had our first major fight over this discussion. Our conversations have grown shorter and a lot less frequent in the past couple of weeks. From day 1 she told me that she has a history of running from relationships and I am concerned she is starting to push me away. Ive convinced myself to let this topic go for a while and see how things proceed. I want to give her the time she needs to do well, but I also want to be connected with her and feel needed in return. Im hoping we can find a balanace and make this work. Sometimes I wonder if I am being to sensitive. My biggest worry is our lackluster communication these days. I think its important in a long distance relationship to find ways to connect, inspire and enjoy each other. We do chit-chat a bit in a friendly way, but its not how it once was. Lately when I call she is either tired, busy with schoolwork, preoccupied with something or not feeling well. I realize that people go through moods, but when its been weeks since ive heard a positive affirming comment from her I feel distant. I have been having a hard time letting her hold all the cards. I dont want to push her away with more exhausting conversation. Ive said my piece. If she doesnt have time for a relationship in her life then I need to know. I told her that things wont work if she wants a guy who doesnt care and doesnt need her - cause I do. Does that make me "needy"? If her version of a "relationship" is to casually see each other a couple days a month, then I dont think that is going to be enough for me. It's extremely difficult to pull back and not express myself. I dont want to rush. Im in no hurry to move. But I do miss her and I would like to see her more often. I just want to feel more connected in those weeks where we cant be together. Considering the great start and future-minded conversations we've had what am I to make of these recent developments? Is she pushing me away or are these just normal growing pains? Please send advice....
Sweetie2007 Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 Our long distance relationship started with a bang. We really connected with each other and our feelings grew quickly. We've had "what if" conversations about moving to the same city and I would be willing if things get serious enough. However, recently I have noticed a change in her demenor and level of affection. She works full time and is in school part time. She has closed herself off from any serious discussions about her feelings and gets angry when I try to get her to talk. We seem to have completely different communication styles. I like to talk and she is more reserved. She told me recently that she is a very independent person, that she doesnt need anybody, that she is not an affectionate person that needs to say or hear "i love you" a lot, and that she likes a lot of "me time". She has reversed her "please stay longer, dont go home" affection with "I think we spend a lot of time together and I normally wouldnt spend days on end with someone the way we do". It's extremely difficult to pull back and not express myself. I dont want to rush. Im in no hurry to move. But I do miss her and I would like to see her more often. I just want to feel more connected in those weeks where we cant be together. Considering the great start and future-minded conversations we've had what am I to make of these recent developments? Is she pushing me away or are these just normal growing pains? Please send advice.... You said that your relationship started with a "bang". I'm wondering if she jumped into something she wasn't ready for, before she considered everything. I know what it's like to be in school and work, both full time, plus have a LDR, its not easy, and there were times when I thought to myself "why do I do this? is the LDR really making me happier, or causing more pain?" Of course those were personal thoughts, but there were a couple of times I did pull away, and talk to my BF less, he noticed, and asked if everything was okay, we talked about it, and he agreed that if I needed space, I could have it, because we're both in school, and working, so it might be better to finish then see if we can pick up again. I knew better than that, I couldn't let go, just to TRY to pick it up 3-5 years down the road...that's way too much of a gap. What I'm trying to say, is, that maybe she's stressed because of tests, and work, and the stress is causing her to question the relationship. I understand where you are coming from too, because you feel a little bit like she's taken you for a great ride for a while, then just dumped you in the gutter? I don't know what your situation is, but would it be possible for you to get her away for a weekend? You said she needs 2 weekends a month for school, so one of the other two which are left, maybe you could both go some place neutral, relax, have fun, and see if maybe away from the stress of life she changes a little? If she's not willing to talk to you about the relationship, maybe you should just ask her, straight up, if she wants to be with you, or not? It sounds like you are a very open person, and have no problem talking about anything, so in person (because I think the phone or online is slightly rude, when in person is possible and that's not the only option), just ask her what's going on, what she wants, or what you can do to help her feel better about the relationship? The only problem is that she could just right then and there dump you, and tell you that she doesn't like you anymore, or that she doesn't have time, or whatever... I told her that things wont work if she wants a guy who doesnt care and doesnt need her - cause I do. Does that make me "needy"? No that makes you a commited B/F! If my BF would tell me that, I would know then that he did love me, and want to be with me, and that he would be willing to do a lot for me....
Guest Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Hmmm...5 hours away? Only sees you a couple times a month? Doesn't really sound too good for you. Are you sure she's not seeing other guys?
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