She's not a nice person

[fooled]

After 2 months - I broke NC and spoke to my ex. It was very calm. We agreed that we didn't belong together. She wants to be friends - I told her I can't. She asked why I called - I told her it was because I missed her.

 

My best friend asked me tonight what the hell was I thinking??? She isn't a nice person! She hit on him with me 3 feet away on the couch!!

 

It's TRUE! She cheated on me and lied and I STILL was hoping for a reconciliation!

 

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME????

 

Part of it is ego. Part of it is I miss a part of her personality. But I really don't miss HER. I don't really even like her.

 

Thoughts? And gloves off, please.

[Island Girl]

You're right that part of it is ego. It is hard for the mind to wrap around - that we possibly couldn't be enough so the other had to cheat or that we weren't good enough so the person left.

 

It doesn't like you've dated anyone else since, at least anyone interesting, and loneliness can really do a number on the mind.

 

But realizing you don't like her is what you should focus on. The things about her that you don't like. Be thankful every day is one more day of distance from her.

 

Also - when you contacted her it brought you back mentally to the point right after the break up. So don't be surprises at conflicted emotions over the next week or so.

[fooled]

Thanks. I'm really hurting for some reason.

[Island Girl]

You just reopened the original wound. It is like ripping a scab off -- it starts bleeding again.

 

That is why NC is so important.

 

Contact = Loss of Perspective All Over Again.

 

You'll be fine - just realize your mind is clouded with mad thoughts.

 

Everything will get better day by day just don't slip. Come here, type it out, vent it, but don't call her. She doesn't deserve to even hear your voice let alone get any kind words.

[alasia]

Not wanting to jump the OP's thread, but I've only recently (as in; the last 3 days or so) realised just how great NC is.

 

I'm (trying to) doing it properly this time; only been about 4 days and I've seen him twice in that time - both times when I thought he wasn't working but he'd changed his shift, so I ended up seeing him on his bus (he's a bus driver) - but the fact I was doing the NC thing - through choice; I have no desire to contact him - gave me peace of mind.

It meant that I was able to get on his bus, treat him like any other driver and not give him much thought afterwards (apart from a few seconds of "aww...that's my ex")..

 

Before when I was only doing limited contact, seeing him would mean I'd immediately try to talk to him, which always ended up with us arguing, or him reiterating that he didn't have any feelings for me whatsoever, and I'd go home feeling depressed.

 

I even managed to have a good night out with a (male) friend last night, without thinking about my ex once!

I've gone from constantly thinking about my ex and feeling so upset that we wouldn't ever get back together, to still thinking it's sad and I wish things could have worked out, but I only think about him once or twice a day, if that.

 

You're doing well thinking of your ex's bad points.

 

I've been trying to do that recently; my ex had no respect for me when we were together, said he wanted a baby with me but now we're split he wants nothing to do with me or the baby, he was controlling, possessive, insecure...and yet I tried for 6 weeks to get him to come back to me! Why...?!

 

I realised it was ego for me too - he dumped me. If it had been the other way around, I'm sure I would have been happy to walk away and never look back.

[RocketMan2]

Not wanting to jump the OP's thread, but I've only recently (as in; the last 3 days or so) realised just how great NC is.

 

I'm (trying to) doing it properly this time;

 

 

Well done alasia! Proud of you!

 

Fooled, You're suffering the inevitable consequences of breaking NC. Try to stay strong. It will get better

 

 

Rocket

[alasia]

Thanks Rocket - although I've just had a 'moment' and now I'm thinking that I need to see him.

 

I think it's because I know he's out with his friends today having fun, and I'm not.

 

Also last Sunday was when I went to his house to drop something off, because I thought it'd be safe (thought he'd be out on a date, as he said he would be) and he ended up 'letting' me stay over and we slept together.

 

That's the bit I miss most; sleeping with him - and more importantly - cuddling up all night afterwards.

 

A part of me thinks if I go over there today, the same thing will happen - but I know it won't, he says he doesn't love me, have feelings for me or wants to have sex with me ever again. He said that the other day actually; he doesn't want to have sex with anyone at the moment, but the reson he won't sleep with me is because "I don't fancy you. Not even to have sex"

 

Ouch

[RocketMan2]

Come on.....dont do it!

 

I've only recently (as in; the last 3 days or so) realised just how great NC is.

 

 

Rocket

[alasia]

Good point. That's what I needed

 

I won't go over, but there's this bit of me that's thinking maybe in a couple of weeks we'll start talking again...maybe things will lead from there - when deep down I know they won't! (feel free to back me up on that) - I mean, he's said he has no feelings for me, he says he doesn't love me or even fancy me anymore, and he's said there's too much water under the bridge and I need to get on with my own life...all huge clues that he's never going to want to give things another go, right?

 

I'd accepted that up until 30 minutes ago so why am I now back to hoping a second chance will happen?! Aargh...

[bluetuesday]

hello fooled. back again, huh?

 

nice to see you, man.

 

right, gloves off. you have a codependent personality which makes you require validation from the women who persist in treating you badly; it also makes you gullible, a bad judge of character, fearful of abandonment, over-eager to put things right, unable to cope well with rejection, likely to remain in situations where you're being treated badly and burdened by feelings of responsibility when things go wrong.

 

if this seems harsh, look at the evidence. you have a history of choosing women who treat you badly. despite the fact they have cheated on you, you don't get over the relationship once it's over. you want to contact them. you want validation from them and you are, at least in part, getting some sense of self-worth from the fact these women know how you're feeling.

 

fooled, examine why you felt the need to have this woman know you missed her. did your ego tell you she MUST care about you enough to want to know? because it seems to me you are trapped in the thinking that even when people treat you bad, it's not their fault. and that if you miss them enough or show them you still care, they just might come around and realise what a good guy you are after all. why else would you contact them? something in you needs validation from them. you told this woman you missed her because you hoped she'd say the same thing back to you.

 

you asked what's wrong with you, and it's this. your ego is running the show. it is making all the decisions for you. and it has a dual purpose. firstly it needs to get you to a situation where it makes you believe you can't do things without it (this is the most fundamental lie of the ego) and then it needs constant validation in the form of other people's approval.

 

yet you know that with that approval comes some measure of self-loathing that you needed the approval. this is where you are right now. you need validation and you hate yourself for it. the conflict has arisen because some small part of you (a part you are choosing to largely ignore) is trying to tell you that your actions and feelings are self-destructive, they are not the best choices you could make. in fact, the need for validation is a false need. and the self-loathing is not really 'self' loathing, it is loathing of the ego, the force you have allowed to make your decisions.

 

as a consequence of your ego, your self-esteem is low. you can see yourself repeating destructive patterns and you don't know why you do it or how to stop. if you accept there is another way, you can't yet see it.

 

the answer lies in re-establishing yourself as the master of your own fate. you have inherent worth as a human being, and what other people think of you doesn't matter. you need no approval, you are already good enough. you need no validation. it is only the ego that needs these things, so you must work to overcome it.

 

the first step is to realise that the ego is only fulfilling its present role because you think there is no other way. yet there is a core of your being underneath the ego that is perfectly able to make rational decisions that will benefit you. you are just not letting it speak right now.

 

fooled, you are an intelligent man who is clearly fighting a battle within himself. on one hand the ego is leading you to make decisions that ultimately hurt you. on the other hand you see this. seeing it is as great a first step as you can possibly make, so there is every reason to hope.

 

once you can see a pattern for what it is, you are half way there. my advice would be to try and examine your decisions objectively. it is hard but it isn't impossible. in every situation, EVERY situation, you will have two choices. you will have what the ego wants you to do, and something else.

 

when you think about a situation, for example this ex, you will have a choice on every occasion how to respond. the choice that makes you feel bad, worthless, needy, upset, controlled, hopeless or that makes you think you have no choice but to feel a certain way - that's your ego speaking.

 

it is up to you how you choose. you can indulge your feelings of hurt or you can choose not to. the voice of reason that tells you there IS a choice, is not your ego. start listening to it.

[ratingsguy]

After 2 months - I broke NC and spoke to my ex. It was very calm. We agreed that we didn't belong together. She wants to be friends - I told her I can't. She asked why I called - I told her it was because I missed her.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this... most of us are in the same boat with you... every situation with its differences.

 

It was a bad idea to break NC because now you're back at square one. Thus, the healing will probably take longer. That being said, I am very proud of you for being able to tell her that you can't be friends. I believe that being able to do that is by far the toughest thing you will have to do as the dumpee. Even tougher than going NC. But you've made a very strong statement that you are moving on. Now you make an even stronger statement by going back to NC and sticking to it.

 

Good luck to you!

[Guest]

Pick yourself up and start again. I think we've all broken NC at some point. Its been almost 3 months of NC for me and I still fight it everyday.Last night all I could do was sob. I wished it would start getting easier.

 

Wishing you strength.

[fooled]

Perfect, BT! Perceptive and inspiring words.

 

I'm not actually back at square 1. Our initial break wasn't really all that painful, as we were both unhappy at the time. I just have to get control of my neediness and ego.

[reservoirdog1]

Part of the key, fooled, is to turn the thought process around. Remind yourself that she wasn't good enough for YOU. You have certain requirements in a partner (e.g. not being a cheating ho) and she failed to meet them. Her loss -- not yours.

[thatmatt]

blue tuesday, what you said really struck me close. Taking that and applying it to my last relationship, I see alot of similararities to fooled. All i wanted in my last relationship was for her to validate and acknowledge my hurt. I know that I seek validation from other people as well as myself, I have been involved with art my whole life and recognize that I do seek validation on my work from critiques just as I wanted validation of my feelings.

 

Fooled, I too have recently contacted my ex a few times after the breakup, about every 10 days or so, and it runs me into the ground because I can't let go how she doesn't get it, and for a while that ate me up, but I have to tell myself that I do deserve better, that she doesn't get it, never will get it, and doesn't want to get it, because she can't be wrong. You now have a better idea of what you're looking for, and what type of person you are. Yes, it's hard to let go of someone you had feelings for, especially when you, much like I am, want so desperatly to "jump off a cliff" to make everything work. And we practically did. I'm using we, because I see our situations as very very similar and you are not alone. We have to be able to tell ourselves "I can't wait until I find that perfect girl who I will do anything to make happy".

[bluetuesday]

We have to be able to tell ourselves "I can't wait until I find that perfect girl who I will do anything to make happy".

 

matt, this is a lovely sentiment, but can't you see that wanting to do anything to 'make' someone happy comes from the same sort of thinking that is already giving you problems?

 

being willing to show your love for someone by doing things for them is wonderful, but it is CRUCIAL that you don't want to do it so they'll stay with you or love you more, or as you say, to make them happy. you cannot make someone happy with actions or protestations of love. happiness comes from within. successful people take happiness into relationships with them, they don't expect it to arrive with the right man or woman.

 

your partner's happiness is not your responsibility, and the best thing you can do to help your partner be relaxed and content in a relationship is to NOT make them the catalysts for your own happiness, and to NOT carry the burden of theirs. choose partners that are already happy when you meet them and if you're a nice respectful guy, you won't go far wrong.

[ratingsguy]

...the best thing you can do to help your partner be relaxed and content in a relationship is to NOT make them the catalysts for your own happiness...

 

This is an excellent point. A lot of people are like that... they don't have autonomous love and are so dependant on their SO for happiness and contentment. I fall into this trap sometimes and it has come back to bite me. It is one of the great challenges in life.. being able to have happiness and to not attach it all to one person or thing. It's so difficult.

[CrossRhodes]

BlueTuesday: I want to thank you for your insightful words too. Like Fooled and Thatmatt, I am in the same trap and paying dearly for it. What you wrote is virtually verbatim what my counsellor has said, except he would replace "ego" with "inner child" (he is big on ICT).

 

I always want the truth to be comforting, reassuring. But it never is. It's usually jarring, afronting, confronting, unpalatable.

 

I wish I truly understood how to banish this neediness. Is it as simple as demoting the ego?

[CrossRhodes]

Part of it is ego. Part of it is I miss a part of her personality. But I really don't miss HER. I don't really even like her.

 

Mine's like that too. I keep thinking that there are parts of her personality I really miss. It's a shame it's attached to someone who is so self-centred.

[Art_Critic]

you have a codependent personality which makes you require validation from the women who persist in treating you badly; it also makes you gullible, a bad judge of character, fearful of abandonment, over-eager to put things right, unable to cope well with rejection, likely to remain in situations where you're being treated badly and burdened by feelings of responsibility when things go wrong.

 

There is the answer....

 

BT nailed it....

 

It was even the codependency that helped you to break NC 2 months later..

If I remember correctly she was an Alcoholic ?.. you should read up on codependency and Alcoholism.

[thatmatt]

blue tuesday, your reply had a lot of good points. Reading back over what I wrote, I do see a problem in my thinking. My need to Make someone happy I think directly relates to the validation point, I think in needing validation from other people, to be needed like that from someone, is a huge source boost. I felt in my last relationship that, among several other problems, she needed me at a time when she had nothing else, then moved on, and later told me that she wasn't really all that happy. I know that I see a relationship as very complex and committed, and I've lost that simplicity in other aspects of my life as well, but that simplicity is something I am gaining back. Your points made complete sense.

 

And CrossRhodes, I know exactly what you mean, about missing parts of her personality. But I remind myself that it was worth it to end it because the negative parts of her personality overshadowed the better parts when it came to a relationship.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Fooled: " Thoughts? And gloves off, please."

 

 

(Taking gloves off, picking up nice ash Little League baseball bat.)

 

Fooled -it's *because* you haven't ever done No (freaking) Contact.

 

Let her go -truly go!

 

-Rio

 

P.S. I've been on LS for how long? and you've been having this *same* problem for how long? And your last contact with her was how long ago???

[Art_Critic]

re:

 

 

 

 

(Taking gloves off, picking up nice ash Little League baseball bat.)

 

Fooled -it's *because* you haven't ever done No (freaking) Contact.

 

Let her go -truly go!

 

-Rio

 

P.S. I've been on LS for how long? and you've been having this *same* problem for how long? And your last contact with her was how long ago???

 

I love your post Rio.. but isn't he talking about his most recent ex ?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t108030/

 

I could be wrong.. and if he is talking about his old ex then he should be shot at dawn..

[Trialbyfire]

Mine's like that too. I keep thinking that there are parts of her personality I really miss. It's a shame it's attached to someone who is so self-centred.

Oh, oh, oh, this one hit home hard. Thank-you.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Art Critic: " I love your post Rio.. but isn't he talking about his most recent ex ? I could be wrong.. and if he is talking about his old ex then he should be shot at dawn..

"

 

Oh, Good Lord!!

 

Thank you, Art.

 

The problems sounded *so similar* to the problems in the last relationship that I couldn't tell the difference.

 

My apology to you, Fooled.

 

(Smile)

 

But I think I'll just hold on to this baseball bat in case your most recently conveyed event lingers on, and starts sounding a little too shabby, and I have to use it.

 

But look out for Art -he's got more serious ideas....(Smile)...

 

 

-Rio