akstyle24 Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 Ready for a long story...? I feel like me letting all this out will help me cope, and hopefully I can get some good feedback. So I have been dating this girl for about 19 months. When we met I had just gotten out of a serious relationship, so I was very vulnerable to starting a new one. At first we had never discussed developing a serious relationship it was more or less "casual hook-ups" a few times a week. I believe that in my mind I never really wanted a serious relationship, but after a few months when we would talk about it I kind of just blew the subject off. She put up with this as, though she never fully made it clear to me that she did indeed want to get serious. This back and forth scenario has been going on ever since and progressively the fights are getting worse and the fractures in the hearts are getting bigger. Because technically we are not a couple I unfortunately have not been completely honest with her, and she seems to know these things that I am not being honest about. Though I have never "cheated" she seems to take these "misconstruction's" quite personally. I have made a conscious effort to "get my act together" and am trying to create the relationship that she wants but it always seems to back fire. We will have a few great days and we will both be very happy with one another, but then I just find myself being accused of being untrustworthy and she just brings up things from the past that do not seem to matter, but I know that in her heart they do matter and they do hurt her. Though it is hard for me to admit, I think we are just holding on because it is comfortable. Though the fighting and pain is getting worse we find ourselves telling each other how much we love one another more and more. Earlier this week she told me after a heated argument that she had slept with another man while we were "not talking" which was only for a couple of days. Technically she did nothing wrong but the pain I am feeling is terrible. I was devastated by the news and still am even though we kept talking and the days since being with her have been absolutely incredible. She was reminded today of the past and some things that I was not truthful about and all the pain seemed to instantly come back. We then have another "break up convo" and it is so easy for her to say good bye, and so easy for her to tell me that she dosnt want me anymore, but then a few days later it we talk again and discuss "really breaking up" and it is so hard for both of us. We get emotional and cry and tell eachother how much we love one another and the cycle just seems to start again. After all of the "I love yous" and the "I'm sorrys" I just imagine that everything will go away and we can be happy. I believe that I am at the point now where the love is real for her but I really think that I am holding on just for the sake that I don't want to see her with this "other man". TODAY: I end up crying and begging for her back, but it just seems that there has been so much crying that it dosnt mean anything anymore. I cant find the words to make her say again that everything is ok and that she loves me. Am I holding on to something that just isn't going to work and setting myself up to be hurt again? This probably is true, but how do I come to terms with it and have the confidence to not care if we break up and she "hooks up" with other guys? Maybe I am just afraid of being alone? My friends always give me the old saying, "there are plenty of fist in the sea" but that dosn't ever seem to bring me any comfort. I know the love is real between us, and I always thought that no matter what Love is enough. How do come to the realization that maybe it isn't enough and that it is just not going to work? How do I remove these horrible thoughts of her being in bed with another man? Please Help
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