Pain Pain Go Away!

[oppath]

It's been six weeks since my gf of 6 months dumped me; I can enjoy myself when out but otherwise I'm still down. I need more perspective. She dumped me (after hanging out ALL day, kissing, touching, flirting) with the "it's not you, it's me; I can't be in a relationship right now because I need to find myself." I was shocked and said "that means you don't want a relationship with me. It's ok to say "you are a great guy, but I'm just not feeling you." She persisted she did have feelings for me. I called her the next day to tell her I was hurt that she hung out with me all day when she knew she was going to dump me; she again persisted she did have feelings for me, but because she was in a 5 year relationship until weeks before dating me, and hadn't been single since she was 18 (26 now), she had to do this, but it was hard for her because she felt like she was giving up possibly the most amazing relationship. I asked for no contact so I could heal.

 

The next day I received the following email from her:

I am an imbecile for giving you up. Please understand that my reasons for doing so have nothing to do with my feelings towards you, for I hold you in the most ardent esteem. It would be unfair of me to hold you in this relationship when very soon I will not have enough time for myself, let alone another person. Plus I have yet to discover the character and being of myself, and I could not expect someone to come along with me on this path of self discovery when it is such an intimate, introspective and dubious journey. I understand if you wish to remain angry with me. By all means, it was a very selfish move on my part that I had to make. You have a beautiful soul and mind, and I hate myself for hurting you in any way. I should have never gotten involved with you romantically, but given the opportunity, I would do it over again for in the short time being with you, I had such incredible experiences that I would never wish to change. I only wish that I were ready emotionally to be romantically involved with another person so I could continue to make you happy.

I stuck to no contact for two weeks until she included me on some email invites to a party. I wrote back telling her I wasn't ready to be friends yet and couldn't go. She responded with:

I understand why you don't want to go. And the invitation was not unintentional. If you change your mind the invitation is always open. Let me know when you're down to have a "friends with benefits" relationship.

I lost it. I had to tell her how much this hurt me, but of course I choose email out of pride and ego. I told her that her reasons for the breakup felt unauthentic, that they made me very hurt and confused, and that I can't even tell my story to my friends without them saying "that's crazy and makes no sense. Something else must be going on," and how much it hurt for her to ask for FWB, that it made me feel like I was just a rebound and all the times she said she loved me, was 85% sure I was going to be her husband, and would never leave me were said out of the sexual excitement and stimulation I gave her, because she hadn't felt those feelings in so long. I told her that her reasons were unfair because they gave me false hope, and that someone being dumped deserves a clean break so they can move on. I told her that if she was telling me the truth, she was selfish for getting into a relationship if she wasn't ready selfish for degrading me by asking for FWB, and that if she wasn't telling the full truth I deserved better explanations.

 

I didn't get a response or an apology.

 

2 weeks later I'm having drinks with a mutual friend. He asks me how I am coping, I tell him my story, and he empathizes with me and tells me that over Christmas, her ex of 5 years came back and asked for her back, wanting to marry her. We were together for 2 weeks after this, and she did act distant over Christmas when I wasn't in town and I called her on it, but she persisted everything was fine and it appeared to be when I got back in town. It turns out she didn't say yes, but I was convinced that night that she dumped me because of this, and was trying to keep me on the side with FWB until she figured out what she wanted.

 

Telling her off for inviting me out was not a NC violation, I was asserting my boundaries, as was telling her off for her FWB request.

 

What happened next is a SEVERE NC VIOLATION: I drunkenly emailed her (her phone number was deleted from my phone) and said some hurtful things, something like "**** you. It's pathetic how selfish, passive, and deceitful you were. **** you. How dare you lie to me about your ex and still want to hang out and have FWB while you decide if you want to go back to him (which I later learned wasn't the case). You're pathetic. I'm an amazing person. You lied to him and you lied to me and if you won't tell me the truth I will tell him about me in detail."

 

The next day I tried calling her (MISTAKE!!). She wouldn't talk to me. I started to feel ashamed and embarrassed that I made the threat to tell her ex about me, especially when I learned that she did not go back to him. I sent a couple sincere apologies and haven't received a response. I suppose I shouldn't expect one, and I regret saying the things I did TREMENDOUSLY. My behavior was immature, irrational, and innappropriate.

 

Where does this leave me?

 

Learning from my mistakes: (1) hanging out with a mutual friend too soon and not changing the subject. He is a buddy of mine, but it was too soon. (2) drunken email/drunkdialing are never a good idea. I won't do these things again.

 

What ifs:

(1) For some reason, I feel I had a chance at her coming back to me had I handled her FWB request over the phone, asking what she wanted. I think she did have feelings for me and was just confused and needed a little space.

(2) Will her friends (who I will see occasionally but not her) think I'm psycho for my threat. They don't know my story.

 

Moving on:

(1) I'm really struggling. I know anyone who would offer FWB two weeks after dumping someone who loved them is INSANE!. It is cruel. It is degrading. Why would I want someone like that.

(2) If my girlfriend couldn't tell me her ex (I knew they were friends) came back and essentially proposed to her WHILE WE WERE STILL TOGETHER, that is emotional infidelity and a severe violation of trust. It explained her acting distant and she gave me an audacious lie when I called her on it. I wouldn't want to be with someone like this. How could you not tell your boyfriend this happened? She told the friend who informed me it had NOTHING to do with our break up.

(3) Thus, I still don't know the reasons for our break up. I know I shouldn't want her back, but I miss her greatly. I just think she is immature and afraid of confrontation. I was in love and she claimed to love me, and was persistent that she had feelings for me when she dumped me. I still can't grasp it.

(4) I'm still struggling with feelings of embarrassment for trying to blackmail her with her ex and feel hurt that my apologies haven't been acknowledged, though I'm still waiting for her to apologize for FWB!

 

Earlier this week, I let go of all my anger and bitterness and "forgave her" because she was in a confusing situation and I can recognize she did care for me but didn't have the strength and independence to deal with that confusion in a clear and respectful manner to me. But today, I'm freaking out again. I want her back though I know she disrespected me. I want acknowledgement of my apology and an apology from her.

 

I know I have to give myself my own closure. This was my first "adult" love and first true heartbreak. I just need someone to kick me in the butt and tell me I deserve so much better and that it is OK that I flipped out and went off on her given my situation and information.

[oppath]

Something that stands out to me is how I jumped to conclusions. Despite her persistence, I didn't feel she was telling the truth. I jumped to the conclusion she was lying. When I learned about her ex, I jumped to the conclusion that she dumped me for him, though she did not (but it proabably had something to do with it). I suppose I did this because I've witnessed her "lie" to people in order to avoid hurting their feelings, her ex in particular! I guess I figured, if she can lie to someone else to spare their feelings, how do I know she isn't doing the same to me?

 

Another thing that stands out is I didn't really ask questions (I was in shock). I didn't ask for the WHY behind her reasons. This is a lesson to learn for future breakups too. A simple "can you explain why you feel that way" could have greatly helped me avoid some pain.

[perspektiv]

first off man, NC is your only option from here on out if you want to regain your dignity. Whatever you caused by that email will surely, in time be looked at by her as an emotional response to everything going on. If she doesn't see that, then she doesn't understand what shes done to you.

 

Your girl sounds a lot like mine. She threw herself into the relationship. I was blindsided. I was truly in love with her, and for the first time in years, I really gave in and did everything I could to make it as perfect as possible. She is in her last year of school. She realized that with me, she was losing out on her social life, and her time as a student. To me, it just seemed that she wanted so sleep around.

 

She kept me hanging for awhile being her usual condescending, lying self. For awhile I was blind to it, but then I woke up. We broke up in november, but had a trip planned in january. For the months in between, it was the most pain I've ever dealt with. She had slept with other guys, and treated me sooo bad, and didn't seem to care. Then I had to go away with her for a week, and say goodbye after spending an amazing time with her for that week.

 

It'll get better eventually. Stay busy, go out like me, but be more careful NC is key from here on out...

[oppath]

Absolutely I'm not going to contact her again. I do think I did the right and dignified thing for apologizing. I wasn't wussy in my apology. I didn't beg for forgiveness. I said "it was a momentary reaction to the betrayal of trust I felt, and I acted inappropriate. My threat is empty and irrational and I apologize for making it." That was it. You are right, her and her friends "should" view it as an emotinal reaction, one that is not all that surprising. The mutual friend that told me felt vindicated when he shared that information and he sided with me 100% even though he is more her friend, so I shouldn't have to worry. Any girl in the reverse situation would have flipped out just as bad.

 

I'm also proud of myself for saying NO to FWB! That is just ****ed up that she would ask. I have boundaries and she had no right to approach it.

 

I'm guessing she actually does care and feels really guilty. I don't want to hear from her now. I did want an apology after she suggested FWB, a simple "I'm sorry. You are right. I caused you pain and it was inappropriate for me to ask this." In the end, she lost out on me big time.

 

I suppose my sticking point is feeling that I'm hurt and not ready to date whereas she is healed from her old relationship. I possess conviction and honestly would not get into a relationship or say any heavy thing unless I were truly ready. It couldn't happen to me.

 

I think some new dating rules for me (when I'm ready) are (1) don't date a girl who tries to be good friends with a recent ex and (2) don't date someone weeks out of a multiyear relationship, even if in her head it was over for 6 months before she got the nerve to end it.

[Trialbyfire]

Good for you about not putting up with a FWB request, considering how she played it out. I'm impressed that you were able to man up and apologize for your drunk email. Not everyone can admit they were wrong!

[anatus]

Oppath, you are a rare man. Most men do not apologize when they are wrong or can even admit they are wrong. You seem sincerely in love with this person. She does not know what she lost. Someday you will find a sweet woman that values a man like you. I don't think this woman is worth your time or effort right now. She lied to you and it seems she's trying to string you along. You adored her but she is OK with the FWB deal. It's not a good deal for you and I commend for standing your ground and rejecting that offer. Most men will not reject FWB because it's convenient and does not involve the heart.

 

The heart is amazing as it can break into a million pieces but itself whole again with time. Save yourself, your time, and effort for a woman that deserves you. I envy her that she was able to fish in a pond of a million and find you, somebody that is 1 in a million.

[oppath]

Thank you for your kind words Anatus! Of course I rejected FWB! She broke my heart. I know how psychologically damaging FWB could be. I would have done it as a chance to get her back, but it comes down to 1 thing: In all areas of life, I'm not going to accept less than what I want, can offer, and feel I deserve. This includes relationships. If I offer my heart and someone doesn't reciprocate, they don't get me in their life in ANY capacity. I'm not going to accept less than what I want and offer in any area of my life, especially relationships.

 

Yes, I acknowledge that I acted inappropriately. Of course I can level up and admit that. Just because I was in pain doesn't make it ok, and I was sincerely sorry. That is a quality few people possess, and apparently my ex did not possess it. I am owed an apology for FWB, and I am owed an apology from her for not telling me about her ex. Any time someone says "x and y happened but don't tell [name]", it means the person should have told [name] straightaways. It is pathetic not to do otherwise. The feeling of betrayal hurts much more than the truth.

 

I know I shouldn't waste my time and efforts. I'm not. What saddens me is not being ready for other opportunities. I am social; I flirt. I am keeping myself busy with coed activities. But I am not emotionally ready for anything aside from a random makeout session. I suppose my fear is KNOWING someone better is out there but I am angry that if she entered my life right now, it wouldn't happen.

 

Of course, this is normal. I was in love. My love was unreturned. My trust was violated. It will take several months for my heart to heal and be willing to open to another. I will find someone who can love me completely. It may take 5 months, it may take 15 years, but it will happen.

[Cossette4]

Oppath, you are doing the right thing...

 

You apologized. Whether she wants to accept it or not is for her to deal with, not you. Plus, it's totally understandable why you freaked out in the first place--99% of people would have reacted that way.

 

You have already learned valuable lessons from this, even when you are still in pain, like your rules for not dating someone just out of a multi-year relationship. Think of all the future heartbreak you are preventing and all the ways you are growing.

 

I totally feel for you...the thought of "emotional infidelity" is so gross. I know when I think of emotional infidelity happening with my ex right underneath my nose, it makes me cringe--the girl he started dating a week after we broke up was his co-worker for 3 months, so I think of the nights where I waited for him to get off work to hang out, and he was probably crying on her shoulder about the problems in our relationship/flirting with her....and then he would come pick me up. And I would hang out with him, totally oblivious to the fact that he had just spent 8 hours with the girl he would soon be leaving me for and moving in with. Ew. Ew. Ew.

 

That being said.....WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS! Look at all the people on this forum who totally agree with your feelings--that should give you hope that there are other people out there in the world who know how to give respect in a relationship.

[oppath]

Thanks cossette. I realize too that I have a big ego, which is why I want validation from her. I need to let go of that. I don't need an apology from her and I don't need her to accept mine. I really don't.

 

Another issue is that some people appear shocked that I haven't dated anyone in the 6 weeks since the break up. I'm still in pain, depressed, and my energy is low. So what if I haven't gone on a date? I've also only met 1 interesting woman in that time. I have planned social activities (classes/clubs/sports) 5 days a week. I am meeting people, just not attractive and interesting people. I am not ready for another relationship and dating isn't a goal right now. Healing is my goal along with making myself a better person in other areas of my life. Dating will come in a couple months. I am expanding my social circle right now and trying to meet new people platonically.

 

I suppose I do regret the tone of my email when I told her off after friends with benefits, but I'm not sure why? I was cold, but I was HURT! I guess this means I really loved her and feel bad if I hurt her, and that feeling is natural, but I need to let go of this concern. This is another lesson, actually...use the phone and calmly explain to someone how what they said hurt! And I need to remind myself (and my ego) that my validation of my person is internal and not dependent on a woman!

 

When my heart is HEALED, and I am confident and happy in the other areas of my life, I have no doubt someone amazing will enter my life. In fact, I think I am ready to ask someone on a date if I meet someone interesting, but I'm not going to ask out a girl I think is below my standards in terms of attractivenes or ambition or personality. That would be EXTERNAL validation. It would feel good, but I can obtain the same good feeling of self internally, and that is my goal.

[Cossette4]

It's been 7 months since my breakup and I'm not at all interested in dating someone yet. After being in a relationship for 5+ years, I'm thinking of not dating anyone for at least a year. Yet my sad, sad, ex waited a whole week before dating someone else, and a whole two weeks before moving in together. Perhaps he's superhuman and immune to the processing and healing that takes place after a break-up. Or just unable to be alone. I'm going to go with the latter.

[oppath]

Cossette, your post strums my heartstring. My ex broke up with her previous BF of 5 years and she did tell me when she started dating she wasn't ready; she also said the romance with him was gone for at least 6 months. I really did let her come to me after some initial interest; she would call me every day, she would talk about a "relationship," etc. I played my hand the only way I could: slow and steady and let her pursue me.

 

I do not think she was trying to two-time me or intentionally string me along. I really think she met me before she was ready; I should have listened to her initial concerns, but in the end, the onus is on HER not to become involved if she truly weren't ready.

 

After some though, I think she was telling the truth about her reasons to break up with me. She bounced from relationship to relationship and hadn't been "single" since she was 19. She recognized she had to mature and gain some independence. I really wish she would have explained this to me when she dumped me, the reasons WHY, instead of just the synopsis. So, I don't think she is a bad person. I think she was telling me the truth that she had feelings for me but wasn't ready (or got involved TOO SOON!).

 

What bums me the most is that I would have been her FRIEND with NO intention of eventually dating had she possessed conviction, and I befriended many of her friends too (I met them along with her, not through her) but now those contacts are lost.

 

Of course, this is another reminder of "lessons." Don't date someone in that situation. If I am looking for a relationship, don't date someone who isn't in a similar place no matter how much chemistry I feel.

 

And again, another thing I can take from this is NOT to use email for important conversations. When I told her off regarding FWB, a phone call would have given me better closure. Her request was INAPPROPRIATE and insulting, I felt degraded, and I didn't know how to respond I was so upset. My response was COLD, and that IS ok, I should not feel bad about it, but in the future, I know I'll spare myself grief and pain if I calmy ask "what is this about?" and allow the other person to explain themselves and apologize rather than me tell them to go **** themself.

 

It was only a 6 month relationship but that does not mean emotions weren't significantly invested. Individual experiences are individual. It will take more time. During that time, I will keep myself busy meeting new people. I will better myself. I will remove the pressure of dating but take social risks so that when I do meet someone who interests me, I will take the risk. Most of my friends who I admire go a couple years between serious love interests; they live FULL lives like me, so I feel they are more normal than people who FREAK OUT about being single for 6 months ("what is wrong with me"). In fact, I had an ex who told me "if you go more than 1/2 year without a gf you are doing something wrong?" After dating her, I know how BS that is.

 

It will just take more time. My ex was confused and no doubt DID have feelings for me. Did she lie? In a sense, yes. Did she try and string me along? Again, yes, in a sense. She wasn't trying to degrade me or play with me, but she clearly was confused and didn't know what she wanted. That is not good enough for me. You want me fully, or you don't. If I want a woman, she must meet me ALL THE WAY.

[Cossette4]

Most of my friends who I admire go a couple years between serious love interests; they live FULL lives like me, so I feel they are more normal than people who FREAK OUT about being single for 6 months ("what is wrong with me"). In fact, I had an ex who told me "if you go more than 1/2 year without a gf you are doing something wrong?" After dating her, I know how BS that is.

 

 

You are lucky you have a few friends who are comfortable being single for a year or so....ALL of my really good friends are absolutely obsessed with relationships and they HAVE to have them. I was like "their idol" without knowing it because my relationship lasted for 5 years apparently?? (Even though that's not my mentality at all).

 

They would die if they were single for like, more than 3 months. But now that I've been single for 7 months, they are like "Oh...that sucks...welp, let me tell you how great it is to be in love!" It's really sad.

 

And it's more than just "not being single." It's like they have a profound belief that the person they are currently dating is THE ONE. For example, one of my friends just had a baby with her boyfriend of 2 years....and one just got engaged to her boyfriend of 2 years....And both of them got into these relationships at age 19. Yet they are POSITIVE that they are going to be truly happy forever with these people (despite the statistically proven high rate of divorce among couples who marry young). And they give off these vibes like they feel sorry for me that I'm going to have to "start from scratch", while they've found the people they are going to be with forever by age 19.

 

Sometimes it frustrates me b/c I don't have any close friends that are like "Hey, it's cool...I'm single too." I have friends who are like, "Want to see the cutest wedding dress I found for when I eventually get married to my current boyfriend? It's sooooo cute!":sick:

[oppath]

Those people who jump from relationship to relationship are a source of some insecurity for me, I admit. It's tough not to feel like my game is bad or something about me isn't attractive; the thing is...being single DOES NOT mean those things are true.

 

But it is something I have to get over. I avoided relationships and didn't try to start dating until I was 24! I had some confidence issues to work through and I did work through them, but after a breakup, they resurface. I know those insecurities will pass.

 

I am fine being single. The frustrating thing is feeling a lack of intimacy. My single friends actually live in other cities so I don't feel connected despite doing more social activities than any person I know.

 

One of the biggest hangups I have is that attractive, interesting women generally appear rarely single. I've met these women, but so many times they've been dating a guy for a week, and want to see how it goes, and they are NOT just using that as a line. I swear, if a girl becomes single, I only have a 2 week window to strike. I can't be with someone unless I really feel we share a connection. It takes a lot. I can date someone casually, but I can't move towards a relationship. I swing between feeling I'm lacking some skill or feeling that I have so many other focus's in life that a half-assed relationship doesn't interest me. After a breakup, it is a little bit of both, but when I'm happy and my game is on, it's strictly the latter.

[Cossette4]

Just you talking about "the dating scene" makes me nervous. I've never even been in it! I got a love note passed to me in study hall at age 16 and that turned into my one and only relationship for the past 5+ years! And now that I think about it, most of my friends are with people they met in highschool or college....

 

I am totally oblivious as to what the "dating scene" even is. Greeeeat. I'm sure I'll have an awkward blast.

[oppath]

Cossette, the dating game isn't so tough to play. The thing I learned is that even if you feel "behind," you can catch up in a big hurry. I now consider myself a successful dater if, during a given year, I can obtain 10 dates, a couple 1 month relationships and get laid a couple times. It's finding someone you really like that requires patience.

 

I'm a mess right now though. Dating is going to take a while. I'm still so ashamed and embarrassed about expressing anger and trying to manipulate my ex by threatening to tell her ex about me. It's going to take me several weeks to come to terms with acting that way. Yes, I apologized, so it is on her to accept it or not, and I am done with it. It's just tough, because now that I've forgiven her, I can empathize with her more. We parted ways with respect, I momentarily lost it for her but I've regained it now that I've forgiven her. I think she is a good person and she did not desire to hurt me. The difficult part is forgiving myself, because I feel like she has lost respect for me. She's not going to be in my life so I'm not sure why it matters to me, though objectively, what I did was not worse than her not telling me the truth. When you violate honesty and trust, you are almost asking for a reaction like that. I wish I could let it go. I wish we could reconcile in the forgiveness sense.

 

I have such large pride and ego, yet humility at the same time. If the situation were reversed, I'd say "I am pissed at you and you had no right to act that way, but I understand you were hurt and I apologize for not telling you that information. Your reaction was extreme but I understand it. Thank you for your apology. I think it's best we not be in contact because both of us need to move on and there is no need for more angry words to be said. You are a great person and I wish you the best in life until I run into you."

 

I would abolutely say that in the reverse situation, but then again, I am more strong that way. I know she acts passive or passive aggressive when she is angry. She wouldn't be able to stand up for herself and say "what you did and said was wrong and really hurt me. I accept your apology but please, refrain from contacting me again."

 

Perhaps I am clinging to the inevitability that I will encounter her friends; if I don't talk about her, it will be awkward for me but I doubt they will give me a hard time. The mutual friend who told me about her ex knows what I did, but he said "what else could you do? You acted wrong, but given your information, it was understandable, so long as you apologized, which you did." When I repeat that to myself, however, it doesn't set in.