What the hell????

[Tormented]

Okay guys...I need some opinions/feedback on my exe's latest stunt. Because there's a lot of new people here, I'll briefly list the history (and there's a lot of it!) from the day of our breakup to the most current contact...one that has me a bit on edge.

 

August 5, 2006 - I decided to break it off with him for several reasons; his inability to express/show compassion towards me when my mother was struck with a serious illness. There were intimacy/sexual issues, lying, and selfishness on his part. Because he wouldn't/couldn't acknowledge these problems, I had no choice but to walk away. I immediately went into N/C.

 

August 23, 2006 - He called me and said he was having a very difficult time dealing with the breakup. Told me he loved me very much and was willing to work on the problems in our relationship. He said he wanted to come over and "talk" about things. I was reluctant but I agreed to our talk. He came over, we talked for hours...and like an idiot, I allowed him to spend the night. We made love and held each other all night.

 

August 24, 2006 - He called me that morning...said it felt so good to be with me again. Said he would call me that night after work. He did, saying that he wanted to get together that weekend and would call me back in a few hours as he had some errands to do. That call never came. I called his house twice that evening...no answer.

 

August 25, 2006 - Because it wasn't like him to not call, I began to worry something bad had happened to him and was afraid nobody would call me and let me know. He told me earlier that he was having nose bleeds (has chronic hypertension and was drinking again) so I decided to drive out to his house after work. Noticed a strange truck in his driveway but his car was gone. Drove to his place of employment (he's a logging truck driver) and saw his car there. I parked my car in the truck yard and waited for him to pull in. When he did, I confronted him about not calling and about the strange truck in his driveway. I told him I now understood why he didn't call...it was because he had a woman at his house. He stumbled around, wouldn't look at me and said he never cheated on me while we were together. I was deeply hurt and furious...throwing a diamond ring he had given me as a symbol of his "commitment" to me, along with other person items he gave me in his truck and told him not to call me when this "new" fling doesn't work out. I then drove to his house to tell the "new" woman that he had spent the night before with me. It was then I discovered that the "new" woman was actually his ex....a woman who has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder, a drug addict/alcoholic, who cheated, lied, and stole from him while living with him, had her 4 children taken away for neglect/abuse, and married the man she was cheating with while living with my ex. My ex constantly told me he hated her, didn't respect her and wanted nothing to do with her. Yet, there she was...standing in his house while *I* stood outside, on the porch. I told he had spent the night with me and she was welcomed to my leftovers. I left...having to pull over because I was shaking and crying too hard and thought I was going to throw up. Came home to a message on my answering machine from her telling me he had gone back with her and he wouldn't be calling me. Called her back and told her once again that she was welcomed to my leftovers, along with a few other things I won't repeat here, then hung up. The pain was incredible...I'll NEVER forget it.

 

Shortly after this incident, I started getting hang-up calls and "silent" calls where the caller wouldn't say anything. I knew it was him. He did this all the time until I finally changed my number.

 

I also found out that the borderline slut he went back with was chasing her husband around town begging him to take her back. In the meantime, my ex kept arranging his trucking route to ensure he would drive by me everyday during lunch hour...always waving at me but I refused to wave back. He was also seen driving near my house several times. However, I remained in strict N/C.

 

Sometime in November, he kicked the borderline slut out of his house.

 

In early December, I got a strange call on my cell from a man who called himself "Jesse." I knew immediately it was my ex trying to disguise his voice. The call came from an area code from the Northern coast in California rather than the area code in my area. My ex was born and raised in the Northern Coastal area of Calif and has many ties there. I called the number back and left a message that I don't know a "Jesse." Didn't hear anything more until mid January.

 

My ex contacted me and said he wanted very much to talk face to face. I told him I didn't think that was a good idea, but I will sit down and write him a letter. I did...all 6 pages of it!...and sent it. In that letter, I told him the hell his actions put me through, how deeply hurt I was, but wished him well.

 

Didn't hear anything for about 2 weeks after. He then showed up at my son's place of employment (a country market) and told my son about the letter I wrote him...saying that it was a "mean" letter. He asked my son several questions about me, but my son said very little and was cold towards him. My son hates him for what he did to me. He told my son that if I want to talk about the "contents" in that letter, to please call him.

 

I thought about it for a few days and decided that I did want to hear what he had to say. So I called his cell and told him to call me when he can.

 

He called me that night...seemed very nervous at first but as the conversation went on, we both started to loosen up. He told me he deeply regrets what he did, saying that there is nothing he can say or do to make it up to me. He told me that he thought he loved his ex the first time he was with her but quickly discovered the second time around that he didn't love her. He said he just didn't feel "it" for her this time. He said he didn't trust her, got tired of her BS, and got tired of her lounging around the house not working. He said he finally kicked her out, doesn't know where she is and he doesn't care. He asked me to spend a day with him, to see how I felt about him after doing so. I told him I will never forgive nor trust him for what he did and it's best we just move on. I told him I've moved on and suggested he do the same. This conversation took place in the span of 3 days total...he called me everyday for 3 days. On the last conversation we had (Jan 31st), he told me to call him if I change my mind. Needless to say, that call has never been made as I will never change my mind.

 

February 11, 2006 - Got another call from "Jesse." Asking me to call him back at the number with the coastal area code. When I listened to the "envelope" information on this call, it was placed from a phone number located in the city my ex lives in...the city next to mine. I didn't return the call.

 

February 12, 2006 - Got another call from "Jesse." This time I picked up. This "Jesse" called me by name. I told him I didn't understand why he kept calling as I don't know him. I also told him his voice sounded familiar. He said, "uh, yeah." I told him he was calling me from a coastal area code, but from a phone of this area code. I told him I know of only one person who has ties to both these places. He remained silent. I finally said..."is this you, (my exes name). He sat silent for a few moments and then said, "no" followed by a laugh that is just like my exes. When I asked him how he got my number, he started rambling on...not making much sense. Kept saying to me.."it's hard to explain." I finally said, "Look, we don't know each other, okay?" He mumbled something and I finally told him bye and hung up.

 

I KNOW it's my ex trying to diguise his voice. I guess my question is...WHY? Why is he doing this? What can he possibly expect to gain from this? Is he playing games? Is he TRYING to give me the creeps? Is he stalking now? Or is he just a flaming nutjob???

 

How in the hell can a person spend as much time with another as I did my ex and NOT see this side of them? How did I miss the fact that he's nuts???

 

What do you guys make of this? Should I be worried about it?

 

Sorry for the length...but this has got me a little on edge.

 

~T~

[Cossette4]

That is totally creepy, T

 

But when you think about it, it's really just another manifestation of the cowardice he has shown you since August. He still is so insecure about himself that he can't even BE himself on the phone to you.

 

That being said, it seems like he's taking his pain about the breakup to crazy lengths--first with hangup calls, then with harrassment of your son, and now with these new phone calls. If you can, PLEASE change your number.

 

As for your question "How did I not see this side of him?", someone was talking the other day in a thread about how you've never been in a "breakup" situation with him before, so you really can't predict how he'd act. Even though some people seem sweet and respectful and NORMAL in the relationship, you can see a whole new side of them in the breakup that you never saw coming. I know you know a bit about his prior relationship history already--do you know how he treated other women in breakups?

 

Sorry that he's being a weirdo:( I'm sure when you are trying to move on the last thing you need are "Jesse" phone calls...

[MagnoliaJane]

Tormented,

 

This is creepy... and scary... if this happens again, I would suggest reporting it to the cops. Honestly...

 

From your stories I gather that he doesn't want to take "no" for an answer. Does he have any friends? Or is he just a loner? If it's the latter and he thought he "had" you to fill up the void in his life, then beware!

 

I believe he can't let go of your relationship. But that also implies that he has no respect for your boundaries. He has to be told he has to STOP THIS BEHAVIOR!

 

It's obvious he has too many problems to be able to offer something to someone else. You have told him the truth about himself, which he may not be able to handle and might be taking out on you in turn. Be careful with this man! Follow your guts. Don't feel sorry for him because he brought his misery over himself!

 

Please distance yourself from his as much as possible. Don't answer any calls. If this "Jesse" person keeps calling go report it to the cops.

 

He seems HIGHLY UNSTABLE!

[underpants]

Oh Snap Tor!

 

That is creepy. This just goes to show his maturity level. I agree with Cossette that it is an act of cowardness. I mean really who does he think he is fooling, not very clever at all. It never ceases to amaze me the lengths some people will go to not have to deal with themselves.

 

My sister had an ex who pulled some stunts like this. By the way he was an alcoholic and 'forgot' he was already married when he married my sister. Him and his whole family had 'issues'. She got an annulment and eventually found herself an awesome man who she has been married to for like 10 years now. I guess she kissed a toad there but she got away. She had to move away, but she got away.

 

I remember once this ex of hers called my mom's house and I answered. I didn't know him well, but I remembered his voice. He pretended to be someone else asking about a car or something. I just played along, rolling my eyes as I thought it pretty pathetic. I don't think I said anything to my sister about it. Who knows with these types. Nuts I guess is just a good of term as any to describe that behavior.

 

It sounds as thought he may be hitting the sauce again. It stinks that it has you riled up though, the anticipation of what may or may not come next. That is not cool.

 

You say you changed your #, but is it still listed? I guess you could try again or have this Jesse's number blocked. I don't know, I guess that bed he made is not so comfortable to ly in.

 

If you really want to move on and are sure you don't want him back (you shouldn't, but that is my opinion). Maybe a male friend could pose as a visable boyfriend on a couple of occasions. I had a friend park their car in my driveway for a time to ensure no more surprise visits from an ex of mine.

 

Being the coward he is, that might do it. Heck, I don't know.

 

Good luck Tor and be careful.

[Grrlish]

That guy's whacked. Get away from him...

[Tormented]

Even though some people seem sweet and respectful and NORMAL in the relationship, you can see a whole new side of them in the breakup that you never saw coming. I know you know a bit about his prior relationship history already--do you know how he treated other women in breakups?

 

True enough. But this just seems so severe, you know? And I guess what I fear most is...if he's this sneaky, this cowardly, then to what lengths is he capable of? My God, I feel as though I never knew this man. At this point I can't help but wonder...WHO in the hell IS he???

 

And it sickens my stomach to think that I actually fell in love with him, actually entertained the thought of marrying him!

 

How can a man who seemed so loving while I was with him turn into a sneaky, lying, betraying coward? I think this breakup exposed his TRUE colors and the man I THOUGHT I knew and fell in love with was nothing more than a phantom...a mirage he custom designed to fit my needs. Talk about the ultimate deception, huh?

 

Thing is, I now question my judgement of character. He certainly pulled the wool over my eyes!

 

How did he treat his past exes? Well...his ex wife wants nothing to do with him and is very bitter towards him. In fact, none of his exes befriended him after the relationships were over, and he had nothing nice to say about any of them.

 

His circle of friends is very small...a total of two that I can think of off hand. He and his father don't speak because he tried to beat his father to death one night while drunk (and spent time in jail for assault). One sister doesn't speak to him, but the other does. He is close to his daughter...but that's about it.

 

He just seems to have difficulty maintaining relationships with people. That may be why he's having a hard time letting go of me.

 

But - he brought this down upon himself and now he'll just have to live with his decision because...I'M GONE!!!

 

~T~

[Tormented]

This is creepy... and scary... if this happens again, I would suggest reporting it to the cops. Honestly...

 

Believe me, I thought about this. I was pretty shaken up after the "Jesse" call. It was so disturbing...scary. I hung the phone up and just sat there staring down at the floor while thinking..."what the hell is going on here? What should I do???"

 

From your stories I gather that he doesn't want to take "no" for an answer. Does he have any friends? Or is he just a loner? If it's the latter and he thought he "had" you to fill up the void in his life, then beware!

 

You know, Mag, I don't think his ego will allow any "no's" in his life. I did some research on Narcissistic personality and found traces of my ex in many of the listed symptoms/criteria. In any event, this is a man to steer well clear of. And yes, I now believe my function in his life was to fill the gaping void he had as a result of driving others away. Before, when he was calling here and sitting silently, I was annoyed. Even when he was driving near my house and driving past me daily during lunch...I basically marked it up to the behavior of a man who was hurting after a breakup. But when he showed up at my son's work, I started to wonder about his stability. But this...well, THIS is something WAY off the chart of "normal." This is downright creepy and not something I can ignore. To create a different persona to contact me with is borderline psychotic! I just don't know what he'll do next and I'm a little worried about it. I mean, if he gets desperate enough, to what lengths will he go? And to WHOM will it be directed at?

 

 

It's obvious he has too many problems to be able to offer something to someone else. You have told him the truth about himself, which he may not be able to handle and might be taking out on you in turn. Be careful with this man! Follow your guts. Don't feel sorry for him because he brought his misery over himself!

 

Yes, I did hit him with the truth - both in the letter I wrote and during our phone conversations. I told him I will NOT be coming back, that I have moved on and suggested he do the same. Three days later, I get the call from "Jesse." I have now cut "Jesse" off. So what will he do next? And THAT'S what frightens me.

 

Please distance yourself from his as much as possible. Don't answer any calls. If this "Jesse" person keeps calling go report it to the cops.

 

I have been distancing myself from him, but he's so sneaky I don't know when or what approach he'll take to contact me next. And yes, I won't hesitate to contact the cops if I even slightly suspect danger.

 

My God...this is NUTS!!!

 

~T~

[Tormented]

It never ceases to amaze me the lengths some people will go to not have to deal with themselves.

 

Which is why he doesn't want to be alone...he doesn't want to face himself. He once told me he can NOT be alone. I think it frightens him to be left alone with his thoughts - it forces him to face his demons...something that terrifies him.

 

My sister had an ex who pulled some stunts like this. By the way he was an alcoholic and 'forgot' he was already married when he married my sister. Him and his whole family had 'issues'. She got an annulment and eventually found herself an awesome man who she has been married to for like 10 years now. I guess she kissed a toad there but she got away. She had to move away, but she got away.

 

He "forgot" he was married??? Oh Lord, now that just takes it, doesn't it? Yep, my exes family is screwed up as well...very dysfunctional. I'm glad your sister found her prince in the end (hope I do too!), but I hope I don't have to move to get away from him!

 

 

It sounds as thought he may be hitting the sauce again. It stinks that it has you riled up though, the anticipation of what may or may not come next. That is not cool.

 

He told me during our phone conversation that he hasn't touched a drop of alcohol for over 3 months. If that's true...then he doesn't even have alcohol as an excuse for this bizarre behavior. So...that only leaves one explaination...he's a flaming nut!

 

Since that "Jesse" call, I've been on edge. I find myself looking around everywhere I go...my eyes scanning in search for him or his car. I even fear that he's hanging around outside my house because we live up on a steep hill with no neighbors...we're pretty secluded up here. Good chances are he's not doing this, but that's how frightened I've become after that phone call. I'm not a nervous type of person, and I don't scare easy...but this has really shaken me up.

 

You say you changed your #, but is it still listed? I guess you could try again or have this Jesse's number blocked. I don't know, I guess that bed he made is not so comfortable to ly in.

 

I changed my land phone number because he kept calling it and sitting silent, but it's my cell phone he's now calling. Actually, it's not even a cell phone, it's a Tracfone...similar to a cell but without many of the features of a cell - like blocking numbers, for instance. The only way to change to number is to buy another Tracfone which I'm considering. And you're right...he does NOT like his self-made bed. But, you know...to every action is a consequence. And at his age (42), you'd think he'd know that by now.

 

If you really want to move on and are sure you don't want him back (you shouldn't, but that is my opinion). Maybe a male friend could pose as a visable boyfriend on a couple of occasions. I had a friend park their car in my driveway for a time to ensure no more surprise visits from an ex of mine.

 

Hey, I like the idea of having a "strange" car parked in front of my house. Problem is, I'm so damn embarrassed by all of this, I haven't really said much to anybody else about it. I fear that if I tell others about his recent behavior, they'll look at me like I'm nuts for ever getting involved with a whack-job like this. It truly IS embarrassing to admit I was suckered in by a nut!

 

Tell you what...it will take a miracle for me to ever trust again!

 

~T~

[Tormented]

That guy's whacked. Get away from him...

 

I'm trying...believe me, I'm trying!!!

 

~T~

[underpants]

Awe Tor,

 

Don't let a dysfunctional person dictate your happiness. I have learned that there are really wonderful and trustworthy people in the world. My sister's husband is so awesome to her and their relationship is solid.

 

It sucks that you got involved with someone who made you feel 'tormented', however, sometimes we have to experience a bad relationship to recognize a good one when it presents itself. (At least that is what I keep telling myself). Where is he????

 

This experience can teach you not to trust him, but don't let it carry over into other relationships you have or may find or use it as an excuse not to move on.

 

I do think you may want to talk to some close friends or family. Support in these times are wonderful, and ahem...witnesses are good. Someone may know someone with a second car that they can park in your driveway. Maybe your son can have his friends stay over.

 

I lied to my ex and said I had a new boyfriend. I hated doing this because it was not true and I probably wished it was, but it worked. He is now on a frantic search for a replacement, for the replacement that I was replaced for, and on and on and round and round it goes with him. At 40 you would think he would get it, but some people just never do and that is their problem.

 

Be strong Tor. We are here for you.

[Grrlish]

I'm trying...believe me, I'm trying!!!

 

~T~

 

 

How in the hell can a person spend as much time with another as I did my ex and NOT see this side of them? How did I miss the fact that he's nuts???

 

 

Well, truth is we're all nuts.

 

But seriously folks...we're not all that nuts.

 

Tormented, we get wrapped up in relationships and our perspective goes a little haywire.

 

I also think that it's a catch-22: As we get more emotionally involved with someone...as we get to know them better...we subconsciously (and consciously) understand some of the reasons for their actions and our brains rationalize the behavior as 'normal'. And within the context of what we do know about the person, our subconscious does see it as normal...for them.

 

This happens quite a bit on the subconscious level and in little increments so that we hardly notice it. Although I think we do notice it...in our gut but our brain and heart are doing all of this other stuff and our intuition doesn't seem to yell loud enough. We also rationalize the actions of others quite consciously...this is something that we just need to become more aware of over time...through our experiences...and not let ourselves do it when someone is a nut job.

 

Either way, it's time to clean house. It's time to be totally clear with him - if he contacts you again - that you want nothing more to do with him. If he continues to call (as himself or as Jesse) I would call the police, as well.

[Tormented]

This experience can teach you not to trust him, but don't let it carry over into other relationships you have or may find or use it as an excuse not to move on.

 

And that's exactly what I fear...that the damage done here will be permanent. I mean, if I could be this blind this time around, what's to say it won't happen again with another? Oh, I'll eventually heal, I know this. Guess I'm just absolutely blown away by it all.

 

I do think you may want to talk to some close friends or family. Support in these times are wonderful, and ahem...witnesses are good. Someone may know someone with a second car that they can park in your driveway. Maybe your son can have his friends stay over.

 

I know, I know. But it's just so embarrassing to admit that I got this involved with a nutjob. I guess my biggest fear is that *his* latest stunts will somehow reflect on *me* in the eyes of others. I fear they will see me in a different light should I share his latest bizarre behavior. I can't help but think that they'll look at me and think..."and you didn't know he was this nuts? How could you possibly get involved with a man like this? Have you no more dignity than that? There must be something wrong with you to get involved with a man like him!" Ha! Something I've asked myself here lately.

 

I lied to my ex and said I had a new boyfriend. I hated doing this because it was not true and I probably wished it was, but it worked. He is now on a frantic search for a replacement, for the replacement that I was replaced for, and on and on and round and round it goes with him. At 40 you would think he would get it, but some people just never do and that is their problem.

 

OMG! This really struck a cord with me. My ex does the EXACT same thing! He's got a string of exes...within months apart from each other, each replacing the previous. In fact, he's got a profile on Match.com now, however, he hasn't signed on to it since the "Jesse" call last Sunday. I've heard nothing since then...it's like he's fallen off the face of the earth - perhaps out of humiliation, don't know. But I hope he keeps his silence and leaves me alone, although I doubt it.

 

Be strong Tor. We are here for you.

 

Thank you, Pants. I very much appreciate it!

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Tormented, we get wrapped up in relationships and our perspective goes a little haywire.

 

Well, "a little haywire" is a mild way of putting it. In this case, I feel like I fell off the damn chart! What really bothers me here is that, as a rule, I'm basically level-headed. I'm that way at work, in my relationships with others, and in general...making life choices. So just where in the hell was my "logical" self when I chose to get involved with my ex?? Oh hell...I know I'm not the only person on the face of the earth who made a unwise choice when it comes to romance, but I just want to make sure it doesn't happen again! Is that even possible?

 

I also think that it's a catch-22: As we get more emotionally involved with someone...as we get to know them better...we subconsciously (and consciously) understand some of the reasons for their actions and our brains rationalize the behavior as 'normal'. And within the context of what we do know about the person, our subconscious does see it as normal...for them.

 

I have to agree with this. I think we just get so use to their behavior, regardless of how bizarre it is, we began to accept it as "normal." But I also think that as this progress unfolds, our own sense of "normal" gets a little warped in order to adopt what we once regarded as "odd," or "not normal." But in doing so, we lose our ability to see the red flags because the lines in our bounderies get murky - making it difficult for us to differentiate what is "acceptable" and "unacceptable" behavior. Not good!

 

This happens quite a bit on the subconscious level and in little increments so that we hardly notice it. Although I think we do notice it...in our gut but our brain and heart are doing all of this other stuff and our intuition doesn't seem to yell loud enough. We also rationalize the actions of others quite consciously...this is something that we just need to become more aware of over time...through our experiences...and not let ourselves do it when someone is a nut job.

 

I think it's called "denial." One of the most used mechanisms in the human psyche. We all do it...some to a lesser degree than others, but we are all guilty of it even if we're unaware of it. I can tell you, I dove head-first in the deep end of denial in this relationship and couldn't see it until I crawled out from this cess pool. A place I never again want to be!

 

Either way, it's time to clean house. It's time to be totally clear with him - if he contacts you again - that you want nothing more to do with him. If he continues to call (as himself or as Jesse) I would call the police, as well.

 

So far it's been quiet since the "Jesse" call last Sunday. And although I'm relieved I haven't heard anything more, I'm a little nervous about it as well. It's like they say..."the calm before the storm." I tell you, Girlish, this has got me a bit jumpy...nervous. I have basically slammed the door shut on both he AND "Jesse." And now I wonder what he'll think of next. But if he does call, regardless of what "persona" he undertakes, I will tell him flatout that if he continues to call, I will notify the police and seek a restraining order.

 

I think my only hope here is that he'll meet somebody else. But then again, he was calling me and sitting silent on the other end when he moved his ex in so I don't know if that's the answer either.

 

*sigh...*

 

~T~

[MagnoliaJane]

Tor,

 

Try to let your mind rest a little... Give yourself a break as well, don't beat yourself up anymore about your poor judgement of his character. Truth is... we ALL make mistakes and then have to learn to live with them. At least you recognize you made a mistake and are dealing with the pain of it, so you will be able to LEARN from this and move forward in life.

 

Give yourself a little break, be nice to yourself.

 

Hugs,

 

MJ