messed-mind Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Hi All, I need some desperate help, because a sudden and unexpected wedge has driven its way into my relationship. My girlfriend and I of nearly four months haven't had the easiest ride. She suffers anxiety, and it has driven us apart a couple of times. We took a bit of time out, and we both decided we were serious about one another and wanted to be together long term. We worked through her panic attacks, she got some professional help, and everything was going really great. She went to NYC on holiday, called me from the hotel and told me how much she missed me, that she was going mad not talking to me. For valentine's day, I got a knock on my door the previous evening - i opened the door to find a pile of presents wrapped in red tissue paper. One of them was half a coin from NYC and in her card she wrote "in the olden days, people gave each other half a coin to symbolise the giving of each other's heart; you have mine" and that she loved me. I sent her 12 large headed, long stem red roses and we spent the evening of the 14th together - it was awesome. She wanted me to meet her friends this weekend, and for her to meet mine. Everything was perfect. That all changed in the space of a day. I spoke to her yesterday afternoon, discussed plans for the weekend. I said i'd call her back in 10 mins. Then I get a text saying "you on email?" (i was at work at the time). Then I got an email from her saying that she had received a letter from her ex boyfriend that she split up with nearly a year ago. Apparently, back then his mum died and it screwed him up. They fought constantly, and he decided to end the relationship. He moved away, traveled the world and she decided he wasn't coming back and moved on. I then met her 8 months later back in October '06, got to know one another and fell very much deeply in love. Now, he's back in the country, decided he wants her back and wants to try again. Now she says she's really confused, she expected him to never come back, and that she still loves him. However, she's also in love with me and doesn't know what she's going to do. This also seemed to trigger panic inside of her. I really love this girl, but she's broken it off with me because she's in such turmoil over her emotions. She assures me that she isn't going back to him, because she's in love with me, but can't be with me either because of all the feelings and emotions kicked up by his reappearance - and that it wouldn't be fair on me. I respect her for that. She needs space and time to think what she's going to do, she may decide that she can never be with either of us because of the conflict of emotion. I've told her to look at the past four months and to evaluate everything we have, how close and intimate we've become, how much we've wanted to be serious about one another, the sweet romantic things. I told her that this ex is arrogant if he thinks he can get her back after swaning off for a year and just expect her to come running back. All I can do is let her think about it, and make a decision in her own time. What does everything think of this situation?
Dubb Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Man I am going to tell you something I hear all the time. I wish I would of done this myself. Go NC! It's the only way.
Author messed-mind Posted February 17, 2007 Author Posted February 17, 2007 NC to get over her, or NC to let it sort itself out?
shockandawed Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Messed, Sorry to hear about your story. Nothing like a swift kick in the sack. You are absolutely correct in having to give her space. The instinct, (and I know from screwing this part up) is to grab her and try to make sense with her. The whole this guy is a jerkl who treated you like crap route. It never works. As others have told me, you are simply trying to make logic with emotions. Sounds like you two were really onto something. My hunch, and it is only a hunch based on what you wrote, is that if you back off, give her a little space to process all of this and actually miss you, she will come to the realization much quicker of the positives of your relationship. She isn't going to forget you. Very tough days ahead for you, but stay strong and I think you will be ok. Post here often and keep us updated. Good Luck!!!
Author messed-mind Posted February 22, 2007 Author Posted February 22, 2007 I spoke with her the other night, she's just flat out told us both that she doesn't want to be with either of us; and that's final. She isn't driving me away so she can be with him, she doesn't want him; and even if i ended it and said "im moving on" she wouldn't be with him. Anyway, she can't entertain the thought or situation of me moving on. Again, she said she loves me. Strangely, she also said that she loves me so much and that's why she doesn't want me or her hurt. However in a moment of contradiction, she blurted "i think it's ridiculous that you're waiting for me" - the thing is, I've come to learn that when under pressure she tends to say harsh things that she doesn't mean. May sound like wishful thinking, but she even said it herself when I first met her (don't most women say horribly obnoxious things that they don't really mean? both my sisters and mum do). Once the conversation was coming to a close, I started being cute and said "just come to mine, come to my bed" and she sweetly said "i can't, i'm lying in my bed, you need to go to sleep now you have work". So there is very much romance still there. I didn't stick to the no-contact, but after a calm and calculated conversation; the absolutely no-contact has started and that's coming up for three days now. She still insists on space (which she's getting) and she may or may not want to get back with me down the line. I spoke with her sister (who has discussed all this with her), and she (being closest) said that I was everything she ever wanted, treated her like a princess, treated her with respect and made her so happy; just this other bloke (who is apparently a 'jackass') has pretty much ****ed it up and ****ed her mind up. There was talk of she was focusing on the good points (remember, they were together over a year ago, and were never in touch after he ended it), which is all in the past instead of realizing what she has now. Her sister's advice and opinion was that he isn't treating her right. What annoys me about my "ex" is that she isn't tough enough, or emotionally strong enough to tell him "i'm sorry, i moved on, it's been a year and i've met someone and love someone else". Why can't she do that. Her sis likes me way more than the other guy, and she'll be selling my case personally (i know that counts for little). Now, that's interfering, but sister's will interfere - so i'm glad that it'll be good press i'm getting. I'd rather she was apart from me just now and not painfully trying to keep it under wraps. Will she come back to me? Heaven only knows. Fingers crossed for the no contact.
bubbalump Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 Ive seen similar situations in my life , this has happened with two of my friends ( one a guy , one a woman). In both situations their respective exes ended the relationship. My guy friend moved on and dated a new woman, and were together about 2-3 months when the EX out of nowhere called him up. They hadnt spoken in about 8 months. She said she wanted to "catch up"...he said no, was happy where he was and is still with the current girl ( shes much better for him imo anyway.) Then my female friend got involoved with a new guy about a year after her EX broke up with her. She dated the new guy for 5 months, and then the EX contacted her to see how she was. This alone was enough to make her "confused" , she broke up with her boyfriend and then tried again with the EX. Sooooo, she still after a YEAR hadnt gotten over her EX. I cant tell you whats going through her head, but from what ive seen with close friends, sounds like she still wants him, no matter what she tells you. My advice, give her space, let he clear her mind, but start moving on, let her contact you. Good Luck with your situation.
Author messed-mind Posted February 22, 2007 Author Posted February 22, 2007 See, i gave her ample opportunity to tell me it was over and to go back with him, I even asked her straight out (as in my previous post) - "if i go away, will you go back to him", but she told me no. Simply, she could have said "yes, i'll probably give it another try" - to which i'd have said "ok, goodbye" then i would move on and she can move on being with him. But yet she insists that she loves me and isn't going back to him. It's crazy, i've even offered her to make it easy and she still seems to be hanging in there for me. Had we been simply dating, i'd have said "screw this", but we're very intimate, shared secrets and had some lovely times together, told each other we're in it for the long term; hold each other in high regard and love one another.
Author messed-mind Posted February 23, 2007 Author Posted February 23, 2007 update: Well, after all this "no contacting" stuff, I went to bed early last night, about 11:20pm. About 12:20am, the phone rings, it's her. Wtf. So she's just wondering how I am, what i've been up to and what i've got on this weekend. We chat, and I tell her i miss her. I say to her "i'm not sure why you're phoning, i wasn't expecting to hear from you again". She got a bit shy and said "oh. well. maybe i shouldn't have phoned then" and i said "no it's fine". We talk more, then we start having a bit of a giggle about a couple of things. I ask her out to a couple of gigs, she says "yeah, that sounds nice" and then "... just as friends just now". I said "well, yeah for now". That was it really. I wouldn't have expected her to agree to go out, or even phone at silly o'clock if there was nothing in it between us. I certainly would never call her at that time, no matter how desperate i was to talk to her. I texted her a couple of times to find out what was happening with the other guy, she said "i don't know, no decisions made". And I asked "what about staying just friends just now?" to which she said "i haven't decided on that yet". I'm not sure if she even wants contact with him at all, it's a bit hard to know what she means.
oppath Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 I feel for you. I suspect something similar happened with my ex. Her ex of 5 years found out she was dating someone in December, and he came back and proposed to her over Christmas when I was away. I guess she said no, but I didn't learn any of this until 1 month after she dumped me. Naturally, I felt hurt and betrayed. Her reasons to break up were that she needed to be single and discover who she is because she has always been in relationships. Normally I wouldn't buy it, but she was persistent in having feelings for me, going out of her way to stress that point. She wouldn't talk to me when I contacted her angrily and said "tell me the truth!" (because I was led to believe she dumped me for her ex). I'm guessing he guilted her (they were in close contact, "friends") when he found out she had been dating someone a while, and when he asked for her back, she decided to end it with me to avoid the confusion. At least your girl told you about her ex! I knew my girl was friends with him, and I believed that's all it was, but she told me she would tell him about me and didn't, for example. Messed up. There is a chance she will come back to you but for your own good, keep things light when you talk to her. Always talk about something exciting you did or are going to do. And don't talk about the relationship. Don't answer calls at 12am. Ignore it. If she leaves a message, text her around lunch the next evening saying "thanks for the call; I was out cold after working out and grabbing a beer with my friend."
Author messed-mind Posted February 25, 2007 Author Posted February 25, 2007 She chose me, i'm so happy. Told the ex "sorry, moved on".
mental_traveller Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 See, i gave her ample opportunity to tell me it was over and to go back with him, I even asked her straight out (as in my previous post) - "if i go away, will you go back to him", but she told me no. Simply, she could have said "yes, i'll probably give it another try" - to which i'd have said "ok, goodbye" then i would move on and she can move on being with him. But yet she insists that she loves me and isn't going back to him. It's crazy, i've even offered her to make it easy and she still seems to be hanging in there for me. Had we been simply dating, i'd have said "screw this", but we're very intimate, shared secrets and had some lovely times together, told each other we're in it for the long term; hold each other in high regard and love one another. IMO you are being perhaps a bit naive in expecting her to act logically and be open with you about her true feelings. The fact that she's become unsure means her feelings for you are perhaps not as strong as you thought. She's had some doubts and that's a bit of a black mark. I would point blank refuse to play the part of tennis ball between her & her ex. She is demonstrating by her actions a lack of commitment to you.
NorCalDave Posted February 26, 2007 Posted February 26, 2007 So, she chose you? You guys are back together? Wow, do tell.
Author messed-mind Posted February 26, 2007 Author Posted February 26, 2007 Quite simple really. I was on a night out the other night and there were many photos taken, a couple of which I was kissing another girl (who happened to be a pretty hot blonde). Now, I was thinking about her all night, totally torn up and there was nothing in the kiss for me but she made it clear she couldn't be with me and that we were playing it as "friends". She got sight of the photos and saw that I was moving on, meeting other girls, enjoying my life. It forced her into a decision, she realised that she would lose me forever, realised her attraction to me and that I would meet someone else instead of chasing her all the time. It pushed her into making a decision, so she called the ex up and told him she loved me and realised she had moved on from him and wanted to live and love me. I think she just got spooked by it all, spooked by the ex, spooked by how much she liked me nad seeing me with other girls probably pushed her into the direction I think she wanted to go anyway. In her mind, she was "what if..." about her ex, but with me the "what if..." was actually taking place as I met other people. Women are all messed up anyway, i've seen the crap my sister's have been through... sheesh .
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