ratingsguy Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Today is day 14 of NC. I think I'm feeling a little better, but I still miss my MW so much. She's still my first thought in the morning, and my last at night. On the day we went NC, I said that we'd speak again in May... and right now that seems like it's an eternity away. She hasn't broken NC, although part of me wishes she would. I saw a therapist for the first time on Thursday. She seemed really supportive and friendly, but I did most of the talking. I guess that's typical since the point of our first meeting was "fact finding"... basically to get her familiar with my situation. I think I'm able to cope ok with what I'm going through... I'm hoping that she'll help me make the right decisions and provide good advice. I don't know if that's what she's trained to do, but even if it isn't, it's good to have someone to talk to. One thing that bothered me a little was that she had a hard time keeping eye contact with me, although she seemed more relaxed towards the end of the session. I found that really peculiar. In any event, I see her again in 3 weeks. So even though I still tear up almost daily, I'm trying to live life as if she's gone forever... which is tough. I've found a few dating prospects and have been talking with them, but no plans as of yet. But probably soon. Saturdays suck... mainly because I usually have no plans, and I know it's one of the nights my MW has to herself. So I know she's likely out enjoying herself while I'm trying to find something to keep my mind off of her. Anyway, 2 weeks down, 2 and a half months to go.
Jinxx Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 One day at a time RG. Three weeks NC for me so totally get it.
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Glad that you found a therapist! It will take afew sessions before you feel completely comfortable with eachother so I wouldn't read too much into about the eye contact. Anyway, 2 weeks down, 2 and a half months to go. So in 2 1/2 months you and the MW will talk and see where you are then? I guess what confuses me is, how are you able to heal yourself, knowing that possibly in afew months things could do a 180 and she'll be back? And, what if she isn't...All your feelings will be stirred up and you'll be back at square one. Definately keeep your options open, when the time feels right. Start changing up your routine so you are busier on the weekends. Join a gym, talk to a close friend and make plans to GET OUT of your house, maybe for breakfast somewhere, that way you're not focussing on her.
Author ratingsguy Posted February 17, 2007 Author Posted February 17, 2007 So in 2 1/2 months you and the MW will talk and see where you are then? I guess what confuses me is, how are you able to heal yourself, knowing that possibly in afew months things could do a 180 and she'll be back? And, what if she isn't...All your feelings will be stirred up and you'll be back at square one. Believe me, I consider this daily. It's a tough spot to be in. I asked my therapist the same question, but she didn't have much of an answer for me. Anything can happen in this three month time frame. I guess the worst case scenerio is that, yes she may need more time, in which case my feelings could be stirred up again and I'll be back at square one, as you say. If that's the result, 3 months of NC will have all been for naught. Of course, there's also the potential for a different result. AND there's the possibility that my feelings for her will be gone (albeit unlikely, but you never know). I still don't know the answer to these questions, but at least I have some time to consider what exactly I'll do.
MoonGirl Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Congrats RG! You are doing SO well! I am proud of you. Try no to think 2 1/2 months into the future. Take on day at a time.
Art_Critic Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 If it were me in your shoes I would consider the possibility of telling her to FO in 2.5 months.. Just let the date fly by and never give it a second thought.. Who does that ? If she loved you she would be with you..get angry..see the real truth and use that as a springboard to heal RG.. you are doing great.. f&ck the 3 month deal and go live your life..
Author ratingsguy Posted February 17, 2007 Author Posted February 17, 2007 Who does that? If she loved you she would be with you..get angry..see the real truth and use that as a springboard to heal. In fairness, she did just get out of a 22 year marriage. On the advice of her therapist, she needs some time apart from me, which she agrees with. And I think it's understandable... even despite the pain it's causing me. Think of it this way. She jumps into a R with me right away and never gets to experience freedom after 22 years of marriage. Over time she will grow to regret it.. and as a result end up resenting me. Given the choice, as much as I hate to say it, I'd prefer we do what we're doing now. Of course the risk is she meets someone else... but I'll have to deal with that by maintaining NC and trying to move on in life in the meantime.
Art_Critic Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 In fairness, she did just get out of a 22 year marriage. Quit being fair to her dude.. Get angry.. she fui&ked you over.. There is healing power in anger
kymberann Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 HI RG, I know this has been a rough road for you, but why set yourself up for hurt in another 2 1/2 months. Heal yourself, if and when she comes around you will be that much healthier, that much wiser. If and when she comes around and if it is the right time to resume that R you may have already moved on. Heck in fact don't let this be a waiting game , you may lose out on other oppertunities! Best to you!
Author ratingsguy Posted February 17, 2007 Author Posted February 17, 2007 HI RG, I know this has been a rough road for you, but why set yourself up for hurt in another 2 1/2 months. Heal yourself, if and when she comes around you will be that much healthier, that much wiser. If and when she comes around and if it is the right time to resume that R you may have already moved on. Heck in fact don't let this be a waiting game , you may lose out on other oppertunities! Best to you! I'm not waiting, I'm getting out there and meeting people (per the MW's request). So I am moving on, as much as I don't want to. I'm just hopeful that when May does roll around, I'll be in a better state of mind. I guess I won't know until I get there. I'll just want to know where we stand at that point. I just wish I had some plans tonight. Instead I'm home alone on a Saturday night. Going through something like this really makes me dread the weekends. I hate this feeling of lonliness. Thanks everyone for the support.
brightsky000 Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 You are doing great! I'm looking to you with admiration because I'm just on day one. uggg. hang in there.
Jinxx Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I just wish I had some plans tonight. Instead I'm home alone on a Saturday night. Going through something like this really makes me dread the weekends. I hate this feeling of lonliness. A suggestion -- rather than staying home -- go see a movie. It is a good distraction. Yes, it sucks being home alone on a Saturday night -- I am right there with you. The loneliness will eventually fade away. You just need tiime.
torranceshipman Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 I'm in NC too - out of work anyway, about 6 weeks now so pretty good going...but unfortunately I have to work with him every freakin day - I could certainly do without that, it makes it so much harder to move on! I'm out meeting friends, dating, doing stuff, gym, etc....but it's so hard, isn't it...
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 I just wish I had some plans tonight. Instead I'm home alone on a Saturday night. Going through something like this really makes me dread the weekends. I hate this feeling of lonliness. Next Saturday night you better make plans with afew buddies. Get out of your house, see a movie, go to a hockey game, shoot pool... Change up your routine so you don't feel that loneliness creeping in.
pricillia Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 Quit being fair to her dude.. Get angry.. she fui&ked you over.. There is healing power in anger He will get angry... he is just not there yet, he needs to have this happen in his own time.
what2donow Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 Just my 2 cents here, but it seems that you're focusing so much on the May deadline, that you're not letting yourself deal with the real possibility that it's over. You're definately in a tough situation and I'm not sure how I would handle it, but I think that keeping this May day (hey, there's a pun!) in your mind is really holding you back from making the progress you want, and need. Have you tried to think of this NC time as permanent? I think you see this as a trial, a time for her to get sorted out. Why not try and change your thinking about this NC? If you feel like you're not making progress, and you really want to, then forget May, tell yourself repeatedly that this is for real, it's over, there's no going back and that you've got to live your life for you. Whenever you think about meeting up again in May, STOP. It's hard, but you can retrain your thoughts over time. I certainly don't know, but IMHO, this May deadline is keeping you from healing and making any real progress, which means 2 1/2 months of more misery and lonliness.
Guest Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 RG you are annoying me. You keep staring threads about your NC and most people have told you that looking forward to the May deadline is stopping you from moving on. You didn't have an affair that spanned years and years like some OW. Instead you had a fairly short term affair where she used you to help her exit her marriage, strung you along a bit and then shoved you under the bus. You humiliated yourself with your final meeting and letter (better if you had shrugged your shoulders and not poured your heart out). She is not, and never was, in love with you and now she is out in the world as a "single" person with very little intention of resuming with you UNLESS nothing better has crossed her path and she feels like some instant affection. I don't want to be cold and hard but enough is enough, and you need to forget May ever exists on your calendar. If I were you, I would take a long holiday in May or change your contact details before. You have not moved on with your life and are feeling sorry for yourself. STOP IT now and start living without her .
Author ratingsguy Posted February 18, 2007 Author Posted February 18, 2007 Just my 2 cents here, but it seems that you're focusing so much on the May deadline, that you're not letting yourself deal with the real possibility that it's over. You could be right about that, but I'm not entirely sure. I think my situation is different from most... my MW actually did get separated, and the M is no longer the problem. It's a whole new dynamic. She needs time to herself, time that she would regret not taking, and in the long run end up resenting me for it. I think anyone who goes through a separation needs that time. Her feelings for me were just as strong as mine for her. So I can't walk away forever... but after I few months I need to know where we stand. That being said, I do need to go out and live my life. And I actually do have a date Saturday night. So even though I'm really depressed right now, I am doing my best to move on in the meantime. Today is day 15 of NC.
oyster Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 . And I actually do have a date Saturday night. So even though I'm really depressed right now, I am doing my best to move on in the meantime. Today is day 15 of NC. so how did the date go? soon you will be counting in months rather than days. hang in there.
OldEurope Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 ...That those who are bored and lonely with themselves end up bored and lonely in relationships/marriage. No "Saturday night" has to be doomed if you are solo now or anythime in the near future. Single time is a wonderful time to be pleasantly self-centered with the things you have always wanted to do but for whatever reason (or person) always put on the back burner. Take up painting, see a classical music concert, clean your entire apt out and make it fresh and gorgeous, go for a long walk among city lights.... If you "don't know what to do with yourself" when you find yourself alone, it means you are way too emotionally hung up on others and will end up being a bit of a co-dependent type ("please! someone entertain me! help!"), or worse, a doormat. What I think needs fixing up here first and above all is your self esteem. I don't think you should be "dating" as a way of filling in time/space. Red flag there. You should date when you are someone with something great as a person to share, and have shared back. And ps Art Critic is 100% on the money here. OE
frannie Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Hey, ratingsguy, I was wondering if you'd read this thread..? Might be of interest to you: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t112945/
Author ratingsguy Posted February 20, 2007 Author Posted February 20, 2007 so how did the date go? Actually it's not until this coming Saturday. It's just a reason for me to get out of the house... I'm not going to take it too seriously... just have fun with it and see what happens. Haven't seen you posting much lately... hope you're doing well!
Author ratingsguy Posted February 20, 2007 Author Posted February 20, 2007 Hey, ratingsguy, I was wondering if you'd read this thread..? Might be of interest to you: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t112945/ Thanks for the heads up, frannie! Wow... I guess my MW isn't the only one going through those emotions. It was very refreshing to read that... gives me hope. Thanks again!
frannie Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Thanks for the heads up, frannie! Wow... I guess my MW isn't the only one going through those emotions. It was very refreshing to read that... gives me hope. Thanks again! yw ratingsguy... And I hope that things are going ok for you. I think of you often and hope everything will work out for you. Also for MoonGirl who also is in the 'opposite' situation to you.
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