Being told what you can and can't do...

[alasia]

Hi, I haven't been contacting my ex and have made every effort to keep out of his way - fairly easy, as he only drives the bus that comes into my town at 9pm and 11pm on a Friday and Saturday night.

 

On Sunday I told him I was going out on Saturday and he said he'd change his shift so I we wouldn't have to see each other (I would have been catching his bus home, as he drives the last one) and the same goes for Friday as I was going out then as well.

 

Went out last night as planned, thinking I wouldn't see him - but when I get on the bus my ex is driving! I was going to get straight off again but I thought no, I'll be mature. I just said "didn't think you were working tonight?" as I paid, then went to sit at the back of the bus.

We did end up talking (me being stupid again) but it went ok without too much hassle.

 

I got a text from my ex just now, saying "I'm on the 876's later (the bus I'd be catching home, the one he's not supposed to be driving tonight) because (another driver) has phoned in sick. Try not to be on it. Please get on with your own life now.

 

This annoyed me on so many levels. Firstly, I hate the way my ex keeps saying "get over me" or "get on with your life", when I'm trying to do just that. He knows I'm going out with a (male) friend tonight and keeps bringing it up whenever we speak - like it's got something to do with him who I go out with!

 

I also HATE being dictated to. That's two nights in a row he's promised to swap his shifts and hasn't, so why should I suddenly now have to change my plans, catch an earlier bus home or pay extra for the train - just because he doesn't want me sitting quietly on his bus for half an hour?!

Why can't we just act like mature adults and if I happen to have to catch his bus, treat each other like any other driver/customer and leave it at that?

 

Thirdly, 'getting on with my life' now means carrying, giving birth to and bringing up his child, that he wants nothing to do with. That still bugs me.

 

I realise I'm probably being very stupid and should just keep out of his way; not catch his bus tonight to avoid any potential conflict - but why should I?

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

The best way for you to get on with your life is to pretend like he doesn't even exist. Get on that bus of his and pretend like you don't even know who he is. He is the busdriver, plain and simple. We usually don't talk to the busdrivers much except for a thank you at the end of the trip and a hello when we get on, so that's all you need to do. If you change your plans, he wins. Don't let him dictate to you how to live your life.

[alasia]

Yes but I have been ever so slightly stalking him over the past few weeks.

 

Not through actual psycho-behaviour, but because he's been telling me that I 'can't' meet him or can't catch his bus, so through sheer stubbornness I've done it anyway.

 

This past few days though I've started the NC and kept to it.

 

When I catch his bus I don't think "it's my ex", he's just another bus driver - so I don't see why he can't think the same way and be a bit professional! Let's face it, if it bothers him that much why can't he just change his shifts?

 

But I don't want to end up with an injunction slapped on me, which is what he threatened recently.

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

But I don't want to end up with an injunction slapped on me, which is what he threatened recently.

 

For riding public transportation?!?!?! This guy needs to get a life. He also needs to get over himself.

[alasia]

Well it's more that he thinks I'm constantly there...but at the most, he'll see me twice a week for 30 minutes - and that's only if I get my old job back; until then I'm only going out occasiobnally, so it'll be rare that he'll see me.

 

I don't know, maybe I should just try and get my friend to take me home.

[Guest]

He certainly sounds full of himself. Its an attractive feature isn't it? NOT.

 

The first thing you need to do if you haven't is seek out a lawyer for all the custody issues. Child support, vistation etc. I don't care what he says get it in writing and get it done legally. Is his name going on the birth certificate?

 

You don't wanna be having DNA testing 10 yrs from now for whatever reason that might come along.

 

As for the bus rides. Tell him you will ride any damn bus you please. If he doesn't like it he has options not to take that route. Sounds like a passive/agressive control issue. Why should you have to change your life to make things easier on him?

[alasia]

He's always been controlling - throughout the relationship I wasn't really 'allowed' to wear 'normal' (slightly low cut, but nothing was hanging out!) tops, talk to men, go out at night without him...he'd never tell me I couldn't do those things, but would make me feel bad for doing them by guilting me or making a point of mentioning it.

 

Everything has been on his terms; the relationship (he refused to change but expected me to), the breakup, whether or not we'd get back together (he was stringing me along for 6 weeks after the split, one minute saying he still had feelings, the next he didn't) and now this!

 

I did get the bus last night. Had a good couple of hours out with my friend Steve, then had to run for the bus. He waited, but when I got to him and said goodbye to Steve my ex said if he knew it was me he wouldn;'t have waited.

I think he already knew it was me though, as I turned round when the bus was coming down the road behind me - no way he couldn't have noticed it was me.

 

Anyway it went ok; I tried to pay, he said it didn't matter but I eventually got him to let me pay, then I jokingly said I was in a good mood (I was very upbeat and smiley) so please don't ruin it.

 

Went to sit at the back of the bus and ignored him, like I would any other driver. He didn't say anything.

 

I stood up to get off at the last stop (I was the only one left on the bus) and didn't speak, just turned to face the door with my back to him, so he knew I was getting off without any attempt to speak to him, he let me off the bus then drove off straight away. I didn't look at him.

 

I'd rather it if we were on speaking terms, but I'm kind of hoping that I came across well and that maybe after a couple of weeks of that kind of thing (I have to catch his bus once a week), he might start talking to me again. But if he doesn't, I'm not too fussed.

It's sad that we ended up like this, but what can you do?

 

I'm just glad last night went without any hassle

 

ETA: I would put his name on the birth certificate if he wanted me to, but I don't think he wants that, seeing as he's not overly interested in the baby.

 

He's already saying he wants a DNA test, even though he knows he's the only person I've ever slept with! If he wants one, he can have one - I know what the results will be.

[alasia]

Still haven't contacted Phil.

 

Ok ok...I know it's only been a day since I last saw him, but I didn't speak to him then so it doesn't count

It's my 4th day of NC, which is good for me!

 

I needed to post though, because I was fine all morning and then about 1pm I got an attack of 'got to see him'.

I think it was because I knew he was out with friends today and I had nothing planned, plus last Sunday was when I went to see him and ended up staying over...so I thought about going out there today and see if the same thing would happen again.

 

Decided against it though, I knew it wouldn't do me any good.

 

I was ok for the rest of the day, didn't think about Phil at all - then an hour ago I lost it. Started crying uncontrollably and have only just stopped!

 

I don't know what started it, but all that kept running through my head was the fact that I messed the relationship up. If I hadn't hit him that last time and been such a bitch, we'd probably still be together now.

In fact, if I'd handled the breakup properly and not turned into such a psycho stalker, we might have at least still been on good terms, if not back together. I don't think he'll ever speak to me again, after the way I've acted over the past few weeks.

 

Then I started thinking about what he said the other day - that all those times we slept together since we've split, the only reason he did it was because I guilted him into it. So of course I started wondering how long had I been guilting him - maybe the whole time we were together he never really wanted to be with me?

 

And if it is only since we split, well then we've had sex about 7 times since and he seemed so into it at the time. He was affectionate and so loving...and it killed me to think that while we were having sex he was picturing someone else, or wishing it would hurry up and be over.

 

Plus twice in the past 2 weeks, he's called me ugly during an argument - and the last time I spoke to him (about 5 days ago) he said he wasn't attracted to me; "not even to have sex". All through the relationship I wondered what he could possibly see in me, and that I was just a pair of t**s on legs; then to hear him say those exact words recently just killed me.

 

I know I probably shouldn't care what he thinks, but the fact is I do.

And I think the hurtful stuff he's said will always play on my mind, made worse by the fact he refuses to give me any answers (I've now given up trying).

 

It also hurts that while I'm sitting here trying desperately to get over him and move on, he's already done it and isn't giving me a second thought.

 

Anyway, just a vent. Feel free to reply if you want

[MagnoliaJane]

Alasia, why do you let your self-esteem depend on what he might or might not think of you?

 

Please accept that you cannot control this relationship (and now non-relationship) with Phil. Give up to look for some sort of control.

 

It is good that you come here to vent. Please also use this opportunity to think about you and you only. Instead of Phil, focus on yourself.

 

What is done, is done and at some point you'll have to accept that and forgive yourself.

 

We all make mistakes. You've admitted to making mistakes, and you keep on blaming yourself for that. It's ok. Tell yourself that every day. It's ok.

 

Don't torture yourself with trying to control Phil. Tell yourself he's gone. And that it is ok too.

 

You may have lost a battle but not the war. You're young. Let Phil be who he is. You're not his mother nor his therapist.

[alasia]

I've never had an ex that never wants to see me again - I can't work out if he means it (I assume so), or whether he's just saying it to get some space for a while. It's new territory for me, as all my other exes have remained friends or at least casual aquaintances with me.

 

I still keep hoping he'll come back...not that I even know if I want him back, because it would never work unless he worked to make changes too.

 

I have come to the realisation that I can't control how Phil feels. If he was ever going to come back, it would have to be down to him and I can't influence his decision. Same goes for if he decides that being alone is what he wants.

 

But that doesn't stop it hurting, and it doesn't stop me wondering how long he hadn't had feelings for; I was reading through an old diary and a few times in November/December he said he couldn't live with me and wanted to move out/end things. He always ended up saying he did want me to stay after all but maybe he just felt sorry for me, and he really did want me out for that last month or so...?

I've tried asking him when he lost his feelings and he either says he doesn't know, or that it doesn't matter; it's over. And I know most people on here would say the same, but to me it does matter - I want to know whether I was living a lie for the last month; when I thought he seemed so in love with me and I loved him, was he really wishing the relationship would hurry up and be over?

 

I don't understand why people keep telling me I shouldn't be thinking this way...isn't it a normal reaction to wonder about these kinds of things?

[JCD]

You can think about these things but it's not very healthy for you. You'll see that in couple of months, all this analyzing will seem silly to you. The relationship is over and that's it. Time to move on and be with someone who loves you back. Forgetting your ex is a good way to move on.