Is this wierd?

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

Just for some background info.... I've been dating an awesome new guy for the past several weeks. We've gone out nine times now, and he asked me to be exclusive on date number four. Out of the nine dates, three of them were at his place, so keep in mind what I am about to say is based solely upon those three dates.

 

This new guy is absolutely wonderful. Last night he hugged me and told me that he never dreamed that he would find somebody like me. He's extremely affectionate in both the sexual and non-sexual ways (like kissing me on the forehead alot, etc). I am so happy with this guy!

 

So anyway, here's why I'm posting. He has a female roommate, which I don't have a problem with, but I think she keeps snubbing me. Both times I was there while she was also there, she spoke to my guy practically non-stop and only said one or two things to me altogether. Ok, so that's not quite so bad either because I know she's known him for a long time and so she has things to say to him (she calls him too, btw, when she's not home... twice in a row yesterday I might add, just before she got home from work). Ok, that's still probably perfectly normal.

 

But here's what kind of bugged me just a tad yesterday: My guy's friend (male) called him up and when he told me I was over there, he asked if he could come meet me because he heard so much about me, so I was excited to meet his friend When he got there, the roommate then talked to both of them but ignored me, and THEN she kept hounding my guy to know what he wanted her to make them for dinner the next night. (Oh also, on Valentines Day, we stopped at his place for just a few minutes, and she had a note on the fridge that says if he wanted tacos for dinner, he needed to go to the grocery and buy ground beef). So then last night she's still talking about these tacos, and my guy just kept telling her he doesn't know what he wants for dinner and trying to blow her off politely (actually as it turns out, he asked me to go out to dinner with him for tonight). I could tell he was pretty exasperated, but apparently she couldn't tell because she kept pushing the issue. She was also saying that she could make him something else instead (Tetrazini perhaps) and that she was going to make banana bread for his mother because she promised her some banana bread, and would he please deliver it to her this weekend. Then she also invited his friend over for dinner for the following day, but she didn't say a word to me about it. That's what bugs me the most... does anyone else find that insulting? I know I'm probably making a mountain of a molehill, but I'm just a little bugged about it. I reread what I wrote and I just don't think I'm capturing and putting into words the vibe I get from her.

 

Ok, but let me continue. On her myspace page she posts this question, "Would you be able to be roommates with your ex?" I'm not really sure what that means, but my friends say it sounds like she's extremely jealous of what he and I have been sharing, and she's grasping at straws to keep things the same between them. The thing is, I know he doesn't even like it. Yesterday he commented that he was stuck in his lease. I was surprised that he didn't sound enthused because I think his apartment is awesome. So I asked, "You don't like your apartment?!?!?" and he replied, "I don't like my roommate."

 

So anyway, I'm not jealous of her in the slightest. My guy is totally smitten with me and there's no way he'd go there. I just don't want to be snubbed by her. Someone who is going to be in the picture for awhile (at least they'll be living together for a year) I'd like to get along with, but it doesn't seem at all like she is interested in that. What do you all think? Sorry this was so long.

[Lauriebell82]

sounds to me like his roommate has a thing for him..or she's just jealous because he isnt paying her as much attention because he is giving it all to u. does she flirt with him a lot? do u know if they were ever involved romantically? even hooked up? maybe ur bf wouldnt disclose that info even if u asked him to avoid u being paranoid and jealous. i think maybe u should have a talk to with the roommate. tell her that u really like this guy and u would like to get along wtih her since ur going to be in his apartment more.

 

maybe she just has a problem with not being the only female in his life anymore, so she doesnt feel like being nice to u. of course thats not excuse for being rude, but still she needs to get over whatever it is that is bothering her, jealousy, missing all his attention, ect.

 

if after u talk to her, she still is rude then consult ur guy about the issue. maybe try not to go over there a lot and just avoid contact with her.

[Violet_Sky]

Personally she sounds like an immature beyotch. Can't say she's interested, but she sure doesn't like not being the only girl in the apt. getting all the attention. So...I wouldn't worry about if she's snubbing me or not, your rboyfriend doesn't even like her.

I started dating someone once who had a female friend who he had hung out with a lot a year before he met me. Well, over the course of the year before he met me, he expressed interest in dating her. She turned him down but wanted to keep hanging out as friends. He met me and told her he had starting dating me. Well, suddenly she was interested in him as more than a friend. Luckily he was no longer interested in her, as like your guy,he was very smitten with me. She actually told him "Well what does this mean about us hanging out every week?" She actually expected him not to date a woman because it would hamper their friendship. We are talking about people in their 30's here.

[Island Girl]

She isn't interested in being friends with you.

 

You are with the man she feels SHE should be with.

 

She has inserted herself into his life in a lot of inappropriate ways and he obviously feeling it.

She is supposed to be a roommate and yet she is acting like a wife without the sexual aspect. I am sure it is uncomfortable for him because he isn't interested.

Making plans for cooking dinner and making banana bread for his mom seem like she is trying really hard to show what a great catch she is - and how wonderfully she'd fit into his life.

She has also inserted herself into his life by calling his friends and trying to become part of his circle that way as well.

 

All it is doing is making him more and more uncomfortable.

 

HOWEVER, he should have spoken up immediately that he had plans for dinner with you. Have you asked him why he didn't say that to her?

 

Do you know if they ever dated? Even once?

 

I'd talk to him and find out more about why he says HE doesn't like her.

It could be very telling as to why she is so resentful of your presence and it could lead to a way that could help you both deal with it more effectively.

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

Violet, Yes he is handling it great, isn't he? He's never said that they dated in the past and I wouldn't have guessed that they ever did, except for her post on her website about "Would you be able to be roommates with your ex?" kind of makes me wonder! Come to mention it though, she did go to his family's house for Christmas, as she is in the photos. She even brought that up yesterday... reminiscing about what the nephew got her that year and the year before. That doesn't mean they were dating though, and honestly if they did date I can understand why he hasn't told me. I'm sure he assumes I would totally flip out I am very good friends with one of my exes and if the circumstance arose, I wouldn't have a problem being his roommate. Exes can be roommates IMO if they are completely over each other and just care about each other like brother and sister.

 

HOWEVER, he should have spoken up immediately that he had plans for dinner with you. Have you asked him why he didn't say that to her?

 

Island Girl, we hadn't set up the plans yet as of last night when she was talking about cooking dinner for the two of them. It wasn't until I was leaving their apartment this morning that he asked me if I would like to have dinner with him at this Japanese Steak House.

 

I'd talk to him and find out more about why he says HE doesn't like her.

At the time, he followed up "I don't like my roommate" with "The only reason this whole place isn't crawling with black mold is because I do all the work around here." So I don't know if there's more to it than that, but I didn't pry because I didn't feel it's my place.

 

Here's a quick update though. Apparently on Valentines Day she sent me a private email through myspace that said "Welcome to myspace." I had only been on it a few days and didn't even know about the email thing, so I just found it today (the 17th). I wonder if these past few days she thought that I was snubbing her?? That would explain yesterday I guess. So I wrote back with a recipe that I thought she would like since she's into making breads right now, and she thanked me today and said that of course she would have to have "Michael" be the taste tester because he's the taste tester for everything she makes. I wrote back that guys do make good guinea pigs. So I guess that's a step in the right direction I feel better about the whole thing now.

[Island Girl]

I'm glad you feel better about it.

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

Ok, so here's the latest: last night we stopped by his place just for a moment to grab some gift cards at about 8:30PM, and she was upstairs in her room with the door shut. As we were walking up the stairs, she hears us (or rather she thinks he is home by himself) so she opens the door a bit and sticks her head out and starts talking to him, asks him if he's had dinner, etc, and when she sees me, she quickly shuts the door. Hmmmm.....

[konfuzd]

It sounds to me like this girl enjoys playing house with your bf. It may be that she thinks that the more she plays the wife role, cooking him dinner, asking him to run errands (like buying the beef for taco dinners) that he'll eventually want her to actually play that part in his life. From your accounts of the situation, this looks like what's happening.

 

There is also a possibility that maybe she's just having trouble adjusting to the change in setting. While she may not have feelings for your bf beyond a roommate, she had established a routine while he was single and they had a great friendship, and now you have come along and put a twist in it. She may just be acting awkward in that she doesn't really know where she stands anymore.

 

I had this situation with a female roommate of mine. We would always cook nice dinners for eachother, and had movie nights and such when we were both single. She got into a relationship, and all this stopped. I was feeling pretty neglected, and it was hard to adjust to the change in arrangements.

 

I think you need to figure out where her head is at, either talk directly to her, or through your bf.

[norajane]

I don't know - to me it sounds like they may have dated in the past. You need to ask him about that, and find out how far back their relationship goes and what it was about.

 

Otherwise, I'd say he's being great about it, so enjoy your new bf! His roommate/ex/whatever she is, probably won't let up until she finds a guy of her own to date, or he moves out, whichever comes first. Kill her with kindness!

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

Man this is bad. What should I do? I'm totally devastated right now. This new guy I thought was great. He was the most romantic guy... so awesome and sweet and then this. Now I can't stop crying because I don't appreciate being lied to. His roommate IS his ex-girlfriend. Because I had suspected it because of how she was acting, I gave him plenty of opportunities to tell me the truth, though of course I never asked him directly. She even emailed me the other day and told me not to tell him that she did so, and I asked him if she told me something and then told me not to tell him about it, would he still want to know, and he said yes. So I told him that's what I figured and that I don't believe in keeping secrets from my significant other. But apparently he doesn't mind keeping secrets from me. I had to find out through her freaking myspace page. You already know from an earlier post that she posted the following question on her website: "Would you be able to be roommates with your ex?" That got me wondering. Now I know for sure. On one of those "all about me" things, she wrote down that "Michael" was the last guy she told she loved and last guy who told her he loves her; the last person she yelled at, and the last person to break her heart. Also it says that her longest relationship was 3 1/2 years... that's funny because Michael told me his longest relationship was the same length.

 

This is just freaking wonderful. Ok, you all have been very helpful. You all said that it sounded like they might have dated. Now do you have any advice for me? We're supposed to take a weekend trip and we're leaving tomorrow. Now I don't even feel like going. I can't believe he didn't tell me. In college I lived with my boyfriend my senior year, but we broke up by Thanksgiving and we continued living together for the rest of the school year. Every guy I dated knew he was my ex. I didn't hide it. Why did he do this to me?

 

You know what really pisses me off... she started emailing me through myspace so she knew good and well I would find this on her site. I guess it's always possible it's a different Michael. His real name is just about as common as Michael. Hell, I'll just tell you that his name is Jason. I can't believe Jason kept this from me! People, please give me advice. What would you do? How should I go about confronting him about this? I just want to disappear. I'm supposed to go to his place at 4 tomorrow after work, and I feel like just not going... not calling... not talking to him in general.

[norajane]

Guys lie to avoid conflict - that's probably why he didn't tell you. He was afraid if he did, that it would lead to a bunch of questions and tension and aggravate the situation further.

 

And guys sometimes don't consider it lying if they "just" withhold information. Meaning, he probably thinks because you never asked him directly if she was his ex, he didn't directly lie about it. But it's a lie of omission. And you are correct, he had plenty of opportunity to tell you she was his ex.

 

BUT, you did say in your first post:

 

and honestly if they did date I can understand why he hasn't told me. I'm sure he assumes I would totally flip out

 

So, maybe you should just ask him directly and see if he lies to you, or tells you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. If he lies, then he needs to be dumped - you know you can't trust him to be honest with you. If he comes clean, then you need to ask him a lot more about their relationship, how it ended, and what their understanding is now that they are roommates - and what HER understanding is of the situation.

[Star Gazer]

Oh man. I'm so sorry to hear this. As soon as I read what you said she posted on her MS page I just KNEW that they had dated. I'm surprised NJ had to be the first to ask...

 

I'm not sure how I would react in your shoes. I agree with NJ that guys lie to avoid conflict, and that's likely why he didn't fess up from the get-go. I can see how his living arrangement WOULD cause conflict... I mean, I would have a TON of questions for him if he were my new BF.

 

I think his desire to move because he "doesn't like his roommate" is promising though...

 

However, when my live-in BF broke up with me, he moved out immediately (as in, I learned our relationship was over when I came home to a 1/2-empty house). It was over, and he knew that we couldn't continue living together without being together, which is the only thing that worries me about YOUR situation, that there still might be enough feelings there between them that he's felt motivated to stay.

 

Can I ask how old is he? Is he in a difficult spot financially where it's not easy to move?? Do you know WHY they broke up? Has he acknowledged that it's obvious she's still very much interested in maintaining a relationship??

[oppath]

I have an issue with the generalization that guys will "lie" to avoid confrontation. My experiences have been that women lie to avoid confrontation. They will lie to "spare feelings" when in reality, what they are doing is avoiding a situation where the guy could become angry and express anger at the girl, thereby making her feel bad.

 

That too is a generalization. Both men and women will lie to avoid hurting feelings or dealing with a potential issue. To me, it is a severe red flag because I value intimacy and integrity. As a result, I've experienced women lying -- most recently my ex not telling me her ex of 5 years came back and asked her to marry him while we were togehter! Lieing is a personal experience that all people will witness from time to time.

 

In his defense, he was surely uncomfortable revealing this. My recommendation would be to CANCEL the weekend trip but keep dating him. Tell him you like him but feel hurt he wasn't upfront, and that you want to keep dating him but need to step back slightly and he has to earn your trust. If he likes you, he will comply.

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

Thanks for the quick replies. It really helps. So I tried to call him but his cell phone was shut off for the night (I knew he was going to sleep because I had just talked to him about 20 minutes previous to all this), so I decided to reply to his roommate's most recent email that I hadn't replied to yet. I asked her if by chance she was referring to a different Jason, and unfortunately the reply came back that they had indeed dated. So I wrote her back and asked if she would wake him up and tell him I needed to talk to him. She did, and he called oblivious to the situation. She didn't tell him why I wanted her to wake him up, just that he needed to call me.

 

I was crying on the phone, and he started crying. He apologized profusely and said he wanted to give me a hug. He only lives a few miles away, so he came over and again apologized over and over and kept telling me, through the tears, how he was so sorry and that he wanted to tell me so many times but he was afraid, and that he was hoping to work up the courage to tell me this weekend. Although most of the evening I was pretty quiet, I did go on to tell him everything that his roommate had posted on her page, and little things I had picked up on while I was at their place, and he honestly was in the dark about all of this (he said he's actually never been to her page). He said he was going to have to have a talk with her because he thought they both agreed that they thought of each other as brother and sister, not boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

So they broke up a year and a half ago, and six months after breaking up, he asks her if she would like to move in together, just as friends. He had been living with his parents and needed out, while she had been living in a very unsafe environment, but neither could afford to move alone. He said he made it clear to her that there would be nothing between them and that she agreed. He said that he's been looking to move and find someone to take his spot in the lease. I told him not to move on my account, but he said he's been thinking about it for awhile now, and now he just has some extra incentive. All the while he's still crying and holding me and apologizing. He told me that he's never felt such a deep connection with anyone before (I'm 28 btw, and he's 27). He even said, "I told you I would never hold anything back from you ever again, so I want to tell you this. I've never said this after such a short time dating someone, but I love you." And he told me later again when he was leaving. He left at one, because I told him I needed to go to bed, and he left on good terms. So why when I came back upstairs after he left and reread my post, did I start to cry all over again?????

[Star Gazer]

So why when I came back upstairs after he left and reread my post, did I start to cry all over again?????

 

Because you really, really like him, and you WANT him to really mean those three little words he said to you. I think you know, however, that real true love doesn't come in 9 dates...it's much, much too soon.

 

I think you both have a lot of intense feelings for each other at the moment, but you need to take a step back and just BREATHE. If you continue to rush things, it will all fall apart.

 

Be patient. He hasn't earned your trust yet, let alone your love.