IslandGirl73 Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 well, i've just had a tragic ending to all of this. OM took some of my personal emails to HR and the ultimate happened, I was immed. termed for sexual harrassment. (yes, norajane, i know u warned me over and over & i didn't listen) i gave them copies of all his emails to me initiating everything from the beginning as well, to show he's not the only innocent party in all of this... not sure what good it would do...last i heard yesterday, a coworker told me he was sent home to give him a "break" from all the emotions the dpt was in an uproar over it...and then one of the IT guys was on his computer going thru it i guess to see if they can validate his emails and such... as for me, yes, i know i did this all to myself. i just never thought he'd go thru with this and risk his job too since he knew for a fact i had copies of all his emails showing his dirty hands in this at the beginning as well. but i guess that didn't matter to him, i don't know. what i do know is that i am now in the market for another job and maybe its best this happened since as long as i was there, so close to him, i would've never been able to stop this....this is the first and LAST time i will ever allow myself be ruled to the point of destruction by my heart, and from now one, i will use my head!!! i confessed everything last night to dh, even about me being the one pursuing and it was me that eventually got myself fired. i told him i wouldn't ask him to stay if he felt he had to leave since i don't deserve him and he said no, that he loves me, and we all have slip-ups in our lives and he understands i was not thinking and being led by my emotions instead and that we can get thru this....after all this, he still wants me. boy, like the title of my post said, i really screwed up this time....what else is there left to say?
lovelorcet Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Maybe now you can actually concentrate on your real relationship... If it was me... I would kick you to the curb. You have shown yourself to be completely egocentric and irresponsible.
outofdarkness Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 well, i've just had a tragic ending to all of this. OM took some of my personal emails to HR and the ultimate happened, I was immed. termed for sexual harrassment. (yes, norajane, i know u warned me over and over & i didn't listen) i gave them copies of all his emails to me initiating everything from the beginning as well, to show he's not the only innocent party in all of this... not sure what good it would do...last i heard yesterday, a coworker told me he was sent home to give him a "break" from all the emotions the dpt was in an uproar over it...and then one of the IT guys was on his computer going thru it i guess to see if they can validate his emails and such... as for me, yes, i know i did this all to myself. i just never thought he'd go thru with this and risk his job too since he knew for a fact i had copies of all his emails showing his dirty hands in this at the beginning as well. but i guess that didn't matter to him, i don't know. what i do know is that i am now in the market for another job and maybe its best this happened since as long as i was there, so close to him, i would've never been able to stop this....this is the first and LAST time i will ever allow myself be ruled to the point of destruction by my heart, and from now one, i will use my head!!! i confessed everything last night to dh, even about me being the one pursuing and it was me that eventually got myself fired. i told him i wouldn't ask him to stay if he felt he had to leave since i don't deserve him and he said no, that he loves me, and we all have slip-ups in our lives and he understands i was not thinking and being led by my emotions instead and that we can get thru this....after all this, he still wants me. boy, like the title of my post said, i really screwed up this time....what else is there left to say? I think that sometimes it takes a huge jolt in our lives to get things moving in the right direction. It does sound like the one postive that is coming from this is that you won't have to be around him at work anymore. I know all sorts of negative thoughts are swirling around in your head right now, but just think, a new and BETTER job opportunity might come your way and would not have had this not happened. My experience w/ office A's/romance is that it always spells trouble..Well not always, but the sexual harrassment thing is such a risk now days..And as you said, the tech depts at companies are watching everything now days. I think it's great that your H wants to stay and work things out. Don't be too hard on yourself and try to look forward. You did the right thing being open and honest about what has gone on. Now you all can start over w/ a clean slate...I see some real positives coming out of this for you...
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Sorry this happened, but hopefully some good can come of it. I do suggest you go to therapy, just to figure out WHY you let yourself completely fall for another man and do some of the things you did.
elijahBailey Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 might be that OM got the ultimatum from his wife to do what he did. I can't see what good it would do him since, like you said, you saved all the emails from him too. Or, maybe he was drunk when he made that trip to HR.
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I don't think the OM is married. She is the one who is married... The thing is, even though they both flirted and stuff at one point - HE backed off and started avoiding her - That is when she started reacting. Sending him email after email, calling him, leaving messages...writing him notes etc...HE changed his mind and realized that he didn't want to BE with a married woman. She chose to not let it go and pursued him, even though once he backed off he wasn't contacting her on a personal level. That was all her chasing him.
elijahBailey Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I don't think the OM is married. She is the one who is married... The thing is, even though they both flirted and stuff at one point - HE backed off and started avoiding her - That is when she started reacting. Sending him email after email, calling him, leaving messages...writing him notes etc...HE changed his mind and realized that he didn't want to BE with a married woman. She chose to not let it go and pursued him, even though once he backed off he wasn't contacting her on a personal level. That was all her chasing him. oh wow, I had no idea !! Haven't been following OP's other threads. Well then, I guess the OM had no other choice than to do what he did.
Author IslandGirl73 Posted February 17, 2007 Author Posted February 17, 2007 thanks for all the positive responses and upbuilding words instead of a barrage of "i told you so!!"'s i will be working with my husband at his job for the next few months and i know this will be good for us to get back on track...i start monday. as for the OM, well, since his emails to me proves that he was the one who initiated all this, my only comfort/solace i can get right now is to know they let him go too since after all he was doing the pursuing using company's email as well...and after what he did to me and leading me on in the way he did with no thought or consideration of toying with my feelings on false pretense, then right now, i feel he should get what he deserves, get fired too...i gave them 10 pages worth of his emails as proof...maybe this time he'll learn his lesson not to be playing with people's emotions, just like i learned my lesson not to get emotionally involved with another OM and the expense of my marriage and family. thanks to all for being there for me thru all this....and despite my screw ups, your words of wisdom will stay with me forever as i will ponder on them if ever i'm faced with this kind of scenario again (which hopefully i won't)
Guest Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I hate to be the one to say this but once the shock wears off expect your H to become very angry and maybe decide he might not want the marriage. I'm only saying this because it might come as a surprise to you when/if that happens.
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I am glad that you are being positive about this and that your husband is able to forgive you. Hard and painful lesson learned...
Art_Critic Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I think you need to lick your wounds and go forward from here.. quit looking back.. Live and learn.. that is what life is all about.. everybody makes mistakes.. I went back and read some of your old threads.. this one : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t110190/ is interesting.. here is a quote from the thread of yours.. WHEN I GOT BACK TO MINE, THAT'S WHEN I GOT HIS BOMBSHELL EMAIL WITH THE WORD "SORRY" IN THE SUBJECT. SAYING HE WAS SORRY ABOUT THE MISUNDERSTANDING BUT THAT HE DOESN'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH SEEING SOMEONE FROM WORK AND THAT I TRIED TO START A DISPUTE WHERE PEOPLE CAN HEAR IT AND IT WILL SPREAD AND THEN HE WILL LOOK BAD....AND THAT HE'S SORRY, HE CAN'T DO THIS BUT THAT WE CAN GO BACK TO FRIENDS AND SAYING HELLO LIKE BEFORE SO I WAS LIKE "WHAT!" I EMAILED HIM BACK AND TOLD HIM HE'S GONNA SEND ME MIXED SIGNALS AND THEN DROPP ME JUST LIKE THAT? It seems to me that you are confused about who did what.. a company would not fire someone for sexual harassment unless it really did exist.. otherwise you could sue for wrongful termination. Why wish him ill will and wish that he gets fired ? from every thread I read he was doing an awful lot of backing out of everything from the beginning and you pursued him
norajane Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Count your blessings - apparently, you have an incredibly forgiving husband. Get into some therapy, and some marriage counseling. You let yourself get totally out of control, and you let yourself hurt your husband and your marriage. You are very, very fortunate your H isn't throwing you to the curb as your employers did. Focus on doing everything you can to make this up to your H.
lorr Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Wow!All I can say is that you live and you learn. This was bound to come to an end anyway, and I hope you realise that this drama was all for nothing. I hope people realise that no other man/woman is worth losing a job/family over. ITS JUST NOT WORTH IT.....
Scrivdog Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Maybe now you can actually concentrate on your real relationship... If it was me... I would kick you to the curb. You have shown yourself to be completely egocentric and irresponsible. So why hang out in this forum if you're too good this?
Mr. Lucky Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 Why wish him ill will and wish that he gets fired ? from every thread I read he was doing an awful lot of backing out of everything from the beginning and you pursued him I was struck by the same thing. How can you be ready to re-commit to your marriage when you are still emotionally tied to the affair? Mr. Lucky
Mark B Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 Count your blessings - apparently, you have a chump for a husband yes, i agree nj
Author IslandGirl73 Posted February 18, 2007 Author Posted February 18, 2007 ARTIC CRITIC, I'M CONFUSED ABOUT WHO DID WHAT?! as i previous mentioned, i gave HR 10 pages of his emails initiating this whole thing from the very beginning...i have it on record where he's asking me to meet him for lunch everyday, giving me his phone numbers, telling me i have his extension so i can call him, saying its nice to talk with me after over our breaks...and such...these are all plane and clear...no room left for confusion whatsoever...so yes, i handed them over my proof the same way he did... and as for wrongful termination, yes, thats what i was considering doing because sexual harrassment at the job is exactly that, sexual harrassment at the job. and thru out all this, i never harrassed him in person, approached his desk, or none of that while at work. i completely stayed away from him, was never even seen talking together. i wouldn't even email him with company email. all the contacting i did with him was via my home personal email address or text mssgs and it all took place outside the workplace/business hours. so technically, since it was not done while at work, then yes, there's no proof of such harrassment taking place there so hence i was wrongfully terminated. the only thing i can guess is maybe he edited my emails to make it appear as he wanted to to trap me... but thats ok, i truly believe what goes around comes around. and like i said, since OM began all this by pursuing me the first 2-3 wks or so, then his hands in this is not so clean and i felt since I had to go out with my tail between my legs, then HR should see his part in this as well...and they did and assured me they will look over them and take the necc. corrective actions against him too.... bottom line, i was never confused about what OM initiated...when a male continually asks to see you and takes u out, then thats not being done just for "friends" no i saw his signs loud and clear...it was just my fault for welcoming his interest when he first showed it. but since he started it, i shouldn't have to go down alone in this while he gets away with it...i'm sorry and i know that anyone who's been toyed like this would feel the same, whether or not they are willing to admit it...
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 I think what AC is trying to say, that even though the OM intiated it all, he then CHOSE to back off, telling you just that. In words, and in actions, his behaviour was showing you that he wasn't interested in you. That is when you went chasing him J. Yes, he was wrong as well because he knew you were married, but you were just as wrong when you didn't leave him alone. Two wrongs don't make a right. I do suggest you go back and read all of your posts... The other thing is, even though you feel the OM led you on, it was all inappropriate behaviour RIGHT FROM DAY ONE because you're a married woman. It's like you forgot that, and acted single. Carefree and could do what you wanted...Emotionally speaking that is...
guin_girl Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 From an HR standpoint, even though it was mutual in the beginning, once he made the decision to back off and you didn't, he had a case. In the emails, he has clearly stated that was not interested in pursing that avenue anymore, regardless of the fact that you were using personal email, off hours, you continued to "harass" him. Just like if it is consensual for a man and a woman to begin relations, the second she says no, and he doesn't stop, it's rape... He said no, you didn't stop. That's where HR will side with him. I'm sorry, but I was in HR for several years and that's how it is dealt with. I'm sure he was sat down and given a warning, but if he were to be terminated as you would like. He would definitely have a case of wrongful termination.
smokenmirrors Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 i confessed everything last night to dh, even about me being the one pursuing and it was me that eventually got myself fired. as for the OM, well, since his emails to me proves that he was the one who initiated all this, my only comfort/solace i can get right now is to know they let him go too since after all he was doing the pursuing using company's email as well... You said you confessed to your DH that you did the pursuing, yet in the second quote you say OM initiated things? Which is it? You also say that you never initiated anything at work, but yet on Valentines Day you did call his desk and speak to him about that incident with the co-worker, did you not? You also said that you HAVE talked to him at work, but it was discreet and no one was within earshot or around during those times. Now your saying you never even had any contact with him during business hours. A wrongful termination suit will get you nowhere, your story already has too many holes. Good Luck...sincerely.
riobikini Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 re: Jaquessette: " confessed everything last night to dh...about me being the one pursuing and it was me that eventually got myself fired...told him i wouldn't ask him to stay if he felt he had to leave since i don't deserve him and he said no, that he loves me, and we all have slip-ups in our lives and he understands i was not thinking and being led by my emotions instead and that we can get thru this..." (Shaking head) J, you are one *lucky* gal. Thanks for posting this -I hope others in the same or similar position take heed and *learn* from your mistake. -Rio
Author IslandGirl73 Posted February 19, 2007 Author Posted February 19, 2007 From an HR standpoint, even though it was mutual in the beginning, once he made the decision to back off and you didn't, he had a case. In the emails, he has clearly stated that was not interested in pursing that avenue anymore, regardless of the fact that you were using personal email, off hours, you continued to "harass" him. Just like if it is consensual for a man and a woman to begin relations, the second she says no, and he doesn't stop, it's rape... He said no, you didn't stop. That's where HR will side with him. I'm sorry, but I was in HR for several years and that's how it is dealt with. I'm sure he was sat down and given a warning, but if he were to be terminated as you would like. He would definitely have a case of wrongful termination. it won't be wrongful termination since its against company policy to use their resources, emails, internet...ect...for personal use, instead of for business use. so on that leg alone, all his emails cleary show they were non-business related so he can be let go for that alone. especially for the emails where i was clearly telling him that I was married and us talking could cause problems and he still persisted with the requests for lunch dates and such., for at least a good week and 1/2 all the way up to the time we spent that one evening together. and now that i'm thinking about it, just a side thought-i did not sleep with him although he tried several times....hmmm, that could explain the reason why his attitude towards me changed the next day! to avoid disturbing the "peace" and causing a disruption at the office because of all this. the word already spread like wild fire, how could he possibly still stay under those circumstances? he would never be looked at the same way again....
Art_Critic Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 how could he possibly still stay under those circumstances? he would never be looked at the same way again.... He was the single one right ? you were the married one ? that is how.. now that you are gone and were let go the public breakup will become that you are the bad guy because you were the one cheating on your husband.. he was single and was only banging a woman in the office.. I hope he doesn't get fired.. I think firing you was going overboard and you didn't deserve to get fired ( from what you have posted here ) and that you both should've been reprimanded.. Why is that you want harm to come to him and his career ?
Author IslandGirl73 Posted February 19, 2007 Author Posted February 19, 2007 He was the single one right ? you were the married one ? that is how.. now that you are gone and were let go the public breakup will become that you are the bad guy because you were the one cheating on your husband.. he was single and was only banging a woman in the office.. I hope he doesn't get fired.. I think firing you was going overboard and you didn't deserve to get fired ( from what you have posted here ) and that you both should've been reprimanded.. Why is that you want harm to come to him and his career ? you r right, AC, it shouldn't concern me whether he gets fired or not...i shouldn't even wish any ill-will toward OM...i guess thats just my emotions again getting carried away due to the fact that since i was let go, i felt he should be too. what HR told me was they have zero tolerance for that kind of stuff so there was no room for just being "reprimanded" well all this thinking and analyzing over it is not going to change anything. tomorrow i go to another prospect employer to see about a current job opening they have. i just have to pick up the pieces and focus on moving on and just learn from this ordeal. its definitely and eye opener but in a way, kind of a blessing in disguise as well. cuz despite its awful ending, I am now in the position to see my DH in a new light, a way i've never seen him before and because of it, its helped me to realize that what i've needed and wanted all this time has been right there in front of me all along in my DH-i just couldn't see past the clouds of my own selfish desires. but now, this experience has helped me to appreciate DH more than ever and discover new found feelings for him that i thought were never there as a result of his willingness to be patient and forgiving with me. had i not gone thru this, i probably wouldn't have appreciated him like i should have. but like the saying goes, behind every dark cloud is a silver lining, and my silver lining ended up being my knight in shining armor, my hero, DH. and for at least that much, it was all worth it...
Art_Critic Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 and my silver lining ended up being my knight in shining armor, my hero, DH. Heres to your new future ahead of you and your hubby... Thanks for sharing your story...and good luck
Recommended Posts