Island Girl Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 I hope my comments haven't made you feel the way you did when you last posted. I understand you are frustrated in trying to find a meaningful relationship. And of course there are all kinds of problems in all types of relationships. Dating is try and try again. Just don't get too soured on it. Perhaps try to get a little bit more communication going before you go out the first time. Maybe it will help them know you are interested in more than their body. And just realize chemistry is chemistry and that has to be there too. Good luck to you.
Mary3 Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 That is a great point, thank you Island Girl. I concede that I didn't know this woman well enough to know for certain, but I really did not think she was about a cheap lay. We even discussed that... I can share that she told me she grew up in a strict religion where she was a late bloomer sexually and experienced feelings of guilt when having sex in relationships. She also said that she made past boyfriends wait for months sometimes before having sex. Of course, I took all of that for what it was, but assuming she was being truthful it makes sense along with what you've stated... Herein lies the problem : She can tell you anything she wants you to hear such as " I've never had sex this quick before " . Or : " I think its okay if we don't use a condom because I am clean " Or : " This is fast but here we are tonite and going at it ...oh well " Truth be known " If ANYONE mentions sex during a first date , then you can bet ONE of them is thinking about it . Sex ( while awesome ) should not be discussed so soon because the main focus is getting to know that person. Just as sex itself should not be delved into on the first date because you may never know if that person just lusted after you and had the hots / you both were satisfied sexually....so now what ? People need to be clear " I just want to have fun " or " I am not looking for anything serious " or " I just want to bang you tonite to be honest " THOSE people get high marks for honesty. When you have a female playing with your head , she gets her sex and poof she's gone then you have been gulible enough to have believed whatever came out of her mouth. Clarify what YOU want. Find out what SHE wants. If something does not Jive then take a step back . For instance if she is wearing extreme cleavage~ness and short skirt and is pawing at you ( and purring ) and you have known her one HOUR then you can bet you were not the first she started messing with like that. Yes we all have to have some control and sometimes we do one night stands but recognize it for what it is....Sex . If you want more than sex and the girl is climbing all over you : Then either DO the deed or tell her you need some ice water
glitzy55 Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 First off, I never said I had sex on the first date...if you're going to contribute, please read from the beginning so your comments will be relevant. Secondly, having sex or heavy sexual contact on the first date isn't the issue IMO...it's more about trust and communication. Problem is, those issues aren't necessarily solved by time invested without sex or sexual contact...witness the numbers of people cheating on spouses who did all of the "right" things in a relationship but are still oblivious to their partner's indiscretions. I've known friends who married people they knew for years who woke up one day to an abandoned house and were never given a reason why their partner chose to leave. If it can happen to them, it can certainly happen to me after one hot evening. I just don't know what to do to avoid these situations in the future...not sure if there is anything possible. ok lets rephrase it..stop doing ANYTHING sexual then..
Mary3 Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 First off, I never said I had sex on the first date...if you're going to contribute, please read from the beginning so your comments will be relevant. Secondly, having sex or heavy sexual contact on the first date isn't the issue IMO...it's more about trust and communication. Problem is, those issues aren't necessarily solved by time invested without sex or sexual contact...witness the numbers of people cheating on spouses who did all of the "right" things in a relationship but are still oblivious to their partner's indiscretions. I've known friends who married people they knew for years who woke up one day to an abandoned house and were never given a reason why their partner chose to leave. If it can happen to them, it can certainly happen to me after one hot evening. I just don't know what to do to avoid these situations in the future...not sure if there is anything possible. What's Behind This Blow-Off? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Your Quote : Apparently, I'm attractive enough and make women feel comfortable enough to get very physical with me on our first dates...i.e., rounding third base and damn near sliding into home...but I'm not enough of whatever is necessary to warrant their interest in continuing to get to know me What am I missing? Why would a woman be comfortable enough with me to be physically intimate, take me into their homes, etc, but not interested enough to continue getting to know me after showing such interest after claiming to NOT be into casual sex or "friends with benefits?" Should I just be happy that I'm getting to mess around without having to make a large investment of time and resources first, Those were your quotes above, You give the impression you are being intimate and touchy feely and possibly having sex....so which is it ?
Author eddiehazel Posted February 18, 2007 Author Posted February 18, 2007 Heavy intimate kissing, touching, fondling, light manual/oral+genital contact, mutual masturbation...everything short of actual sexual intercourse.
Mary3 Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Heavy intimate kissing, touching, fondling, light manual/oral+genital contact, mutual masturbation...everything short of actual sexual intercourse. I don't think you * get it * . Have you been single very long ? Out of a relationship recently ?
Author eddiehazel Posted February 19, 2007 Author Posted February 19, 2007 Responding only because I started this...but not sure what point you're trying to make with your questions. The issue as I see it has more to do with the honesty and integrity of the individuals involved than with how long I've been single. I'm uncomfortable with the suggestion that I somehow "asked" to be deceived or used because I didn't push away someone with whom I believed I made a connection. I understand now that my belief was erroneous. But not because I became physically involved on the first date...IMO it was because the woman either misled me or changed her mind after the fact. Time is certainly a factor in growing trust...no argument there. But I was recently shafted by a friend whom I've known for twelve years on a job for me that he asked for. Sex had nothing to do with it.
stace79 Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 I would guess they believe you just want sex. That's what I would think.
Pretty Fly Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 I would guess they believe you just want sex. That's what I would think. For what reasons? The OP said that he'd discussed relationships etc with them. And the woman wanted to have sex too. He didn't "convince" these women to have sex with him. So if 2 people really hit it off and end up having sex early on, the woman will just assume the guy only wants sex in future? A little unfair don't you think?
Mary3 Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Responding only because I started this...but not sure what point you're trying to make with your questions. The issue as I see it has more to do with the honesty and integrity of the individuals involved than with how long I've been single. I'm uncomfortable with the suggestion that I somehow "asked" to be deceived or used because I didn't push away someone with whom I believed I made a connection. I understand now that my belief was erroneous. But not because I became physically involved on the first date...IMO it was because the woman either misled me or changed her mind after the fact. Time is certainly a factor in growing trust...no argument there. But I was recently shafted by a friend whom I've known for twelve years on a job for me that he asked for. Sex had nothing to do with it. I am only asking that you look at this for what it is : They are being intimate with you ( in some way ) and then you are not hearing back from them. This means they were only interested in a quick feel or play and lost interest after that. Call it for what it is. Its not fair but its quite common. If you want more than just * that * you need to review yourself and how you can hold out for more such a further dates with them that lead to a deeper bonding which leads to a deeper relationship. All this *making out* is giving them what they want at the time. Its your life. If you want to *play* with them you can expect that they will equate that with you being * easy *. That meaning its easy to get you to do things to their bodies and after that they move on. Live and learn.
StayClose Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Wouldn't it be nice is we could simply ask someone who no longer wants to date us why they don't want to date us and get an honest answer, instead of going on a message board to ask others to speculate what might be going on with the people we date?
Pretty Fly Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 I don't think you * get it * . Have you been single very long ? Out of a relationship recently ? Maybe I'm mistaken but the way you write implies it's always the guys fault. I've not seen any appreciation of what's going on from his end. It's like, "oh they've had sex early? = guy's fault"
Pretty Fly Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 I would guess they believe you just want sex. That's what I would think. Again, "what? sex involved = guy's fault!"
Author eddiehazel Posted February 19, 2007 Author Posted February 19, 2007 Maybe I'm mistaken but the way you write implies it's always the guys fault. I've not seen any appreciation of what's going on from his end. It's like, "oh they've had sex early? = guy's fault" Good observation and it was not unexpected. I've noticed that several responses seem to hinge upon the sex issue whereas my point is it has more to do with the individuals' wants and needs and their own honesty, communication skills and personal integrity. Also people are not fully understanding the whole issue before weighing in. I've never had a one-night stand and only once have I allowed things to go too far re oral sex too soon, which I immediately admitted to the woman when next we spoke...for what it's worth, not only did it not affect our relationship but I saw her several times after that.
Author eddiehazel Posted February 19, 2007 Author Posted February 19, 2007 Wouldn't it be nice is we could simply ask someone who no longer wants to date us why they don't want to date us and get an honest answer, instead of going on a message board to ask others to speculate what might be going on with the people we date? Yes, it would be wonderful. There's only so much that anonymous individuals can offer in terms of understanding a personal situation, although it is helpful to get a fresh perspective on an issue when you're too close to it to see things objectively.
Mary3 Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Okay : Your original question : What am I missing? Why would a woman be comfortable enough with me to be physically intimate, take me into their homes, etc, but not interested enough to continue getting to know me after showing such interest after claiming to NOT be into casual sex or "friends with benefits?" Should I just be happy that I'm getting to mess around without having to make a large investment of time and resources first, even though I want more? You asked why she would get intimate with you and not continue the interest further. ..I tried to explain that you can REVERSE the question and ask yourself ( ? ) Example :You " I went out with this girl. We played around a little bit. But I don't feel further interested in her, so I am probrobly not going to call back. " Surely you have went out with someone and not felt any chemistry or further interest ......( You guys didn't mesh ) as an example. You are asking US why she did not feel further interest. She didn't because she didn't . Now as for blaming anyone I did not blame the OP. I told the OP she was not interested. Sex or no sex...... It takes two for intercourse and two for a continuing relationship. For the record this is called " Games " . She led you to believe further things would happen and they did not. This is played everyday. Thats why I asked if you were recently single.
LosingIt Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Girls don't handle rejection well at ALL. Don't push fooling around...but if they want to get frisky for God's sake don't do that nice-guy thing where you tell them to wait. That move *always* backfires guaranteed....unless you're Matthew McConaughey or it's a Lifetime movie.
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