eddiehazel Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I would like to get some feedback on a disturbing trend I have noticed recently...all from online dating, for the record. Apparently, I'm attractive enough and make women feel comfortable enough to get very physical with me on our first dates...i.e., rounding third base and damn near sliding into home...but I'm not enough of whatever is necessary to warrant their interest in continuing to get to know me. These situations are different than the typical "I'll call you" blow-offs. We meet, we talk about a variety of interests and subjects including family, past relationships, dating issues/opinions, careers, hopes/dreams...it feels like a connection is made from the various common interests and shared experiences. Flirting ensues, interest is expressed/communicated and the floodgates open and I'm made to feel like the sexiest, most desirable guy around. Plans to date again are made, i.e. "Would you like to see me again?" or "I'd like to take you to that movie you mentioned...I'll check on the times and we'll get together"...next day I'll IM or call, things seem fine...but within the next few days, I don't get that call you usually get from a woman who is interested in you following a hot encounter. That sickening feeling of dread commences and then the torture begins as I question every comment and action, wondering what did I miss, what did I do wrong, etc. What am I missing? Why would a woman be comfortable enough with me to be physically intimate, take me into their homes, etc, but not interested enough to continue getting to know me after showing such interest after claiming to NOT be into casual sex or "friends with benefits?" Should I just be happy that I'm getting to mess around without having to make a large investment of time and resources first, even though I want more? For the record, I am very monogamous and prefer to be in a relationship. I'm not moving too fast and asking these women for too much too soon; I'm very conscious of making them comfortable, both physically and personally. I may be the rare guy who does not enjoy meaningless sex. It doesn't have to mean EVERYTHING, but it certainly does mean something. I'm just tired of not being respected enough for women to be honest with me and just say what they want, so we all know what we're dealing with and can make our decisions accordingly. I'm in the 35-40 age group, good looking but overweight (think Kevin James-type), no kids, no bad habits. Strangely enough, I get more play bigger than I did at a lower weight. And the women I am attracted to are "thick" and curvaceous, too. Thanks for listening...any thoughts would be appreciated.
Mary3 Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 It sounds like the Reverse * Hit and Run * You say you meet these girls and get physical that night. By that do you mean kissing and making out ? More ? You wonder why they don't call back ? This same scenario is played out for women who * give up the goods too soon * No respect. Why don't you refrain from much intimacy until you get to know her better ? If its sex you want then thats what you will get . Sex. Period. If you want more , hold out for more.
Author eddiehazel Posted February 17, 2007 Author Posted February 17, 2007 "You say you meet these girls and get physical that night. By that do you mean kissing and making out ? More ?" Yes, all that and sometimes more. Believe it or not, I'm not necessarily the aggressor...it will begin with kissing and fondling, and then can escalate from there. Admittedly I have gone too far at times for a first or second encounter; getting caught up in the moment w/o thinking. "Why don't you refrain from much intimacy until you get to know her better ?" Good question. Because when I play the "nice guy" role, meaning putting on the brakes until we've had an opportunity to get to know each other better...that opportunity doesn't always come. So I guess I began to think that I'd better enjoy what was presented to me when it was available because I may not get a second chance, even though the date seemed to be going well. I now realize that neither situation is what I really want...either letting an opportunity pass, or going too far physically with no interpersonal follow-up. "If its sex you want then thats what you will get . Sex. Period. If you want more , hold out for more." I am a very affectionate and physical person when I'm with someone, no doubt about that...but sex is not all I want and I don't approach the women in that manner. But for whatever reason, sex seems to be easier to come by than friendship and that's what I am confused about. Why the false pretenses? Female friends tell me it's so that the women don't appear to be, shall we say, completely without virtue (their words, not mine and I'm being PC)...I just don't get it but I hear your point. Thanks for responding.
glitzy55 Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 why should the women have to call u? Why don't u pick up the phone and call them afer the dates.
Pretty Fly Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 why should the women have to call u? Why don't u pick up the phone and call them afer the dates. Well i think the point is he's saying that the women say they will call and then don't.
oh_what_am_I_doing Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I really don't know for sure and am totally guessing here, but here's a possibility. If you get intimate with these women, and then while laying in bed cuddling, you discuss all the things you mentioned in your post (such as past relationships), then the girl might be weirded out and feel uncomfortable about having that conversation with an almost-complete stranger. On the other hand, if those conversations were pre-intimacy and she still chooses to get physical with you, then that's probably not it at all.
Topper Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Your in your 40's and you still don't get that woman don't call? I Know the year is 2007, but woman still want to be pursued to some extent. She might be a little embarrassed she became so intimate on a first date. Worried that you only think is easy. Let me ask you who usually ends these little sessions? you or her? Make the effort. Call her. By the way the sports analogy is a bit frat boy don't you think?
guin_girl Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 How are you meeting these women? Are they online dates, or are you meeting them in a bar... is this all in one night or over time? I'm in your age bracket and I know if a guy comes on too strong or I know too much too fast, I get a little freaked out... I'm also not the one to make a lot of calls to guys either. I will return calls and I will throw out an email or a text message. But the first couple of weeks, I prefer to let the guy make those calls to set the pace. Until the guy gives me the green light that he would like me to call (and they usually will say, it's ok to call but not too much - now I'm in the "what's too much?" quandary) I make a point of letting him do that part... I find text messages are less obtrusive and more comfortable with guys.
glitzy55 Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Well i think the point is he's saying that the women say they will call and then don't. oo sort of like what men do to women:laugh:
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Apparently, I'm attractive enough and make women feel comfortable enough to get very physical with me on our first dates...i.e., rounding third base and damn near sliding into home...but I'm not enough of whatever is necessary to warrant their interest in continuing to get to know me. First off, STOP being so physical on the first date. Don't rush it..... That could be why they're not calling. Try getting to know the woman, without kissing etc...Show interest, be funny and have fun. Don't go for the gold so to speak!
Violet_Sky Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I am a curvy size 6, B and a half cup, can't quite make a C, natural ones...will that be OK for you? I'm not 'thick' but have a good bod, I do work out. You are dating slutty women. I'm sorry, but it's true. I am just like you in that I am wanting to really get to know each other. Don't let these women get all intimate with you on the freaking first date. That is the time to get to know each other, you get a little kissing at the end of the date before you walk her to her car. That being said, you should try 3 times to call a woman before assuming she is not interested after a date....but these types of women you have been seeing you don't want anyway. What part of the country are you in? I am 38 years old. I think we might have something to talk about.
Krytellan Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 What part of the country are you in? I am 38 years old. I think we might have something to talk about. How many people are you trying to bag from LS? At least I only work one at a time
Violet_Sky Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I thought you had a gf. Don't you know how to get your game on, gotta put yourself out there.
Krytellan Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I thought you had a gf. Where??? I don't see her
Violet_Sky Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I must have conused you with someone else. aren't you the one who got a professional massage from your gf for Valentine's Day? Huh, guess it wasn't. So...what's YOUR sign? JK
Mary3 Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 It is entirely possible these women you are meeting are only interested in getting banged for the night. With that said , you may be putting off an aura of desperation and are sharing all of your feelings and then getting in the sack quick. That reminds me of what some women once did. ( no names mentioned ) Realize you want MORE ! Stop accepting sex dates and hold out for the right girl . You are in a great position if you just want to get laid....but it sounds like you want much more. Don't be putting your hands down the panties of women you know view you as a sex shark who won't care about you the next day. This apparently was more prevelant in the female era and now men are getting *tossed* after a night.
Krytellan Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 It is entirely possible these women you are meeting are only interested in getting banged for the night. Good God, can someone tell me where I can meet these women????????
Mary3 Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Good God, can someone tell me where I can meet these women???????? The on-line sex sites have plenty of those.....
Author eddiehazel Posted February 17, 2007 Author Posted February 17, 2007 Interesting responses; I'll try to clarify a few points: - No, I'm not waiting for the woman to call first. I have no problems with calling and asking someone out again. I'm referring to the complete absence of communication, either initiated by them or in response to my call/message, that accompanies a blow-off. No response tends to equal no interest, in my experience. - Re "an aura of desperation"...anything's possible but in this case, I don't think so. The conversation tends to be more general rather than specific re past relationships, hurtful experiences or wanting a girlfriend/wife. I try to keep it much lighter than that...there are levels of intimacy. A big difference between saying, "Yes, I'd like to be in a relationship again one day" and "I think you're what I've been looking for" when asked what I'm looking for. But I've discovered that people sometimes project their own impressions upon you and that you can't control what people hear. - A point of distinction re moving too fast. I prefer to let the woman set the pace and let me know where she is re intimacy; I'm not a pushy man at all. As a matter of fact, I have turned down more free sex than any single hetero guy in his right mind would...because I'm the one who will stop and question if this is really what we both want to do and if we're on the same page. This is one of the reasons why these situations are so confusing. The more I consider things, I tend to think that I've just met a couple of women who just wanted to hit and run and weren't honest about it. My platonic female friends say that women like that act like they are into you because they don't want to come across as "complete sluts" (their words, not mine). If they say they just want to mess around, then they're labeled as cheap; so they say they aren't into hooking up and want a relationship with someone, I get sucked in because I think we're on the same page, and then bam! It's funny but I think I'm going to have to begin acting like women are traditionally raised to behave...no intimacy before a certain length of time...because this really, really sucks.
Violet_Sky Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 if a woman thinks you're not interested after 1 date because you didn't respond when she tried to maul you, then good riddance to her. It's sad these women are thinking a guy is only interested in them if they offer to put out right away.
Island Girl Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 if a woman thinks you're not interested after 1 date because you didn't respond when she tried to maul you, then good riddance to her. It's sad these women are thinking a guy is only interested in them if they offer to put out right away. I agree - but there's another side to the coin also, if a woman is rolling around with you SHE may have second thoughts about the way she behaved. She may be ashamed of getting caught up in the moment or feel like you've cheapened her and in that case will not go back for more. They may be getting the feeling that another date with you may mean you will expect sex. And just maybe they aren't comfortable with that.
Author eddiehazel Posted February 17, 2007 Author Posted February 17, 2007 That is a great point, thank you Island Girl. I concede that I didn't know this woman well enough to know for certain, but I really did not think she was about a cheap lay. We even discussed that... I can share that she told me she grew up in a strict religion where she was a late bloomer sexually and experienced feelings of guilt when having sex in relationships. She also said that she made past boyfriends wait for months sometimes before having sex. Of course, I took all of that for what it was, but assuming she was being truthful it makes sense along with what you've stated...
Pretty Fly Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 They may be getting the feeling that another date with you may mean you will expect sex. And just maybe they aren't comfortable with that. And the problem then is if you call, she'll think you're expecting sex. And if you don't call, she'll think you just wanted sex before and won't call you!
glitzy55 Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 I don't get the problem..stop having sex with these women on the first date. It takes 2 to tango doesn't it. Are they holding u down and putting a gun to your head.
Author eddiehazel Posted February 18, 2007 Author Posted February 18, 2007 First off, I never said I had sex on the first date...if you're going to contribute, please read from the beginning so your comments will be relevant. Secondly, having sex or heavy sexual contact on the first date isn't the issue IMO...it's more about trust and communication. Problem is, those issues aren't necessarily solved by time invested without sex or sexual contact...witness the numbers of people cheating on spouses who did all of the "right" things in a relationship but are still oblivious to their partner's indiscretions. I've known friends who married people they knew for years who woke up one day to an abandoned house and were never given a reason why their partner chose to leave. If it can happen to them, it can certainly happen to me after one hot evening. I just don't know what to do to avoid these situations in the future...not sure if there is anything possible.
Recommended Posts