Califodm Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I don't know what to do. My ex and I were together for 3 years.....We broke up October 2005, but were seeing each other on and off for a whole year after we broke up. I was afraid that if I got back into something with her, that she'd just dump me again, which is why I didn't want to get back into anything with her right away. So, we did the normal boyfriend/girlfriend stuff...just without the title (dumb.. I know). So, then October 2006 comes around...I met some other girl. She came over to my apartment one night and we were just talking and hanging out. Well, my ex starts calling and I don't answer because I don't want her to start freaking out. Well, minutes pass by and there is a knock at my door. I don't answer it because I know it's my ex. So now i'm thinking "ohhhhh no...what do I do? She's going to totally take this the wrong way". So, I just continue to not answer the calls or the door. She finally puts her ear up to the window and hears the other girl talking. So now she knows there's another girl. She calls and threatens to get me fired from my job (her father was the manager at my workplace), she threatens to key up my car and break all the windows, threatens to beat her up if she comes out, and threatens to break the window to my apartment...right after that last threat, I heard a loud THUD on my bedroom window. So, what was I supposed to do? I couldn't very well open the door and walk out there with her acting like that. She could have killed me! Or the other girl! So, hours pass by and she's still out there. I finally snap and say things I totally didn't mean to my ex. Things like "Please go away, I don't want to be with you, we'll never work!" and "Get out of my life". Now, please keep in mind that I was saying these things out of anger. So, I hear her crying outside all night...and I wish I would have just told the other girl to just leave, let my ex in, and just hug her all night and tell her that i'm so sorry..I didn't mean to make her upset. But I didn't...I just let it all happen. She left. And the next day I talk to her on the phone and that was the last I heard of her for 1 month. I got a call from her dad later on saying to not call her anymore. I knew deep down inside that wasn't what I wanted at all....but like an idiot, I didn't tell him that I really loved her. So, i'm all upset thinking my ex will NEVER forgive me. So, I get into a relationship with the other girl that was at my apartment. I realized that she was just a rebound and that I still really loved my ex. So i'm all upset, hoping that being in the new relationship will help me get over my ex. I was wrong. I would sit there at my apartment just crying for hours because I missed her. I screwed up...and I couldn't call her because I didn't think she wanted to hear from me. So...the new girl totally starts treating me like crap and plays immature high school games. I'm 25 years old and I don't want to deal with that crap...nor should I have to. So, finally on November 19, 2006, I wrote an email to my ex saying to call me. She does, and it was SOOO nice to hear her voice again. We decided to meet up at a video rental store. She was shaking because she was so nervous. I was so happy to see her. I missed her so much. We went to get something to eat and then afterwards she just started crying because she said she missed me so much. And I told her I was sorry and was wrong for what happened....I kissed her on the forehead and gave her a hug. I thought everything was ok. Boy, was I wrong. My first mistake was telling her everything that had happened in the relationship with the new girl. Stupid of me. But what I was thinking at the time was this: I'm starting over with my ex....I want her to know everything. I want there to be complete honesty. And If she really loves me, she'll understand and forgive me...and even have more respect for me because I was so honest. So, basically, everything was ok until my birthday. She phones me and tells me that she'll never trust me again, and that she's met someone new, and that he's mormon and i'm not. So I don't sleep at all that night. I'm up crying, regretting, and being depressed. The next day comes and I talk to her...she says she'll think about everything. Well, a whole week goes by and she tells me that there's just no way it will ever work. So again, I don't sleep. I decided to send her flowers at her work. She gets them and likes them...tells me that I didn't have to do that. Well, I felt like I needed to...to apologize. And that was only one of MANY things I did to apologize. So, the next week, she lets me come over to her place. I tell her, "I want to be with you again, what do you feel?" She replies with, "It would be nice, i'm just scared." So, finally, we're ok again. She wouldn't get back into a relationship with me, but we were back to where we were before all that horrible stuff with the other girl had happened. And I was happy again. Because I was confident that she was going to get back with me. We were kissing again, holding hands, telling each other we loved one another. It was nice again. I was going to make it my mission to make it up to her and treat her like a queen. I got her some nice Christmas gifts, I bought her dinner whenver we went out, I spent time with her watching movies, I took care of her when she got sick by buying her medicine, I brought her fries at 3AM, I took her to work when her car broke down, took her allergy medication on my way to work, and I'd stay with her at her apartment and hold her until she fell asleep in my arms. Then, later on she starts bringing up all that stuff with the other girl. Telling me she can't believe I did that to her and that she doesn't trust me, and to go away, then she hangs up on me. Seconds later, she texts me and says "Go away, please just find someone else to hurt." I should add...that back in March 2005, While we were still together, She went out one night and had sex with another guy.....WHILE WE WERE TOGETHER. That hurt pretty bad...and I forgave her. At least when I hurt her, we weren't together. And she can't forgive me? What's up with that? So here I am, getting walked all over...she tells me i'm scum and a pig. So i'm all upset again. Then I finally decide to go over to her place, have a talk with her about how much I appreciate what a great girlfriend she's been to me, walk out and give up. That's what I had planned. She starts up again with me saying she loves me and she does want me. So, we're back into it again. Then, she gets distant again. Doesn't call me all day, gives me the cold shoulder. I'd ask if she just wanted me to go away, and she'd say "no that's not what I want." So, i'd be hopeful about the whole thing again: "Good!! She still wants me, everything will be ok!" So, I continue to do things for her...like wake up at 7AM to pick her up way across town so she can get her car fixed, then buy her breakfast, and drop her back off at her apartment. So, we hang out a few more times, watch movies, and whatnot. I fix her a pizza and all that good stuff....I rub her back and give her a massage. Basically I was just giving it my all. She'd say stuff like, I love you baby, and call me honey all the time. Then after that last night watching a movie, which was last friday to be exact, I thought everything was fine. I had even planned out our valentine's day and everything. Made reservations at a nice restaurant and bought her a real nice warm blanket from her favorite NFL team. So, what happens next? You guessed it. I get the cold shoulder again. She doesn't call, come see me or anything. So I ask her what's up again. She says "Nothing, i'm fine, don't worry everything's fine." The whole not calling thing continues for a few days, then on Monday, I tell her i'm just going to go away because it's obvious she doesn't want anything to do with me. She says that's not what she wants and she loves me. So we talk on the phone later that night. Had a real nice talk. I'm washing clothes and we get on the subject of washers and dryers. She tells me her parents bought a new washer and dryer. So, I say "oh really? I didn't know that". And that's what triggers it. "Of course you wouldn't know. That was the same weekend that you decided to be with HER. I gotta go, i'm mad now!" So, here I am talking with her about washers and dryers and she gets mad at me? How stupid is that? So, I calm her down and just say good night, I love you...we'll talk tomorrow. She says I love you back and I still think everything's okay. So here comes valentine's day. I don't hear a word from her almost all day. She calls me and wants her gift. So, I say, "come over since you're already out and i'll give it to you." So, she complains about it and is all mad about it because it was "out of her way". I mean, goodness...if it were that big of a deal I would have glady jumped in my car and drove to her place. So, I give her the gift and hardly get a thank you...and she doesn't even smile. And no, she gave me nothing. She stays not longer than 2 minutes and starts to walk out. I throw out my arms and signal that I want a hug. So she comes over and hugs me, and I give her a kiss on the forehead. Then, she leaves town yesterday and hardly calls me. I finally decide to stop calling her for the night. I call her today, and she says that she doesn't love me anymore, she isn't in love with me, that everything I did ruined our relationship, that i'm nothing but scum and a pig, that she can never trust me ever again, that I make her unhappy, that I drive her up the wall, that she will never love me again, and that it's over...to just go away. Here I am in tears hurting so badly, and she's being so mean to me. The tone of her voice was so mean. She definatly is not the same person she was when we first met. But it just hurts so badly...because I don't know what to do without her. She's always been there for me...and now she just doesn't care? I know what I did was wrong, but we all make mistakes. I'm human. She even made a mistake herself. What...does she think that she never did anything to hurt me? Cheating on me hurt pretty bad...let me tell you. And that's worse than anything I ever did to her. I NEVER cheated on her. She's so unfair. And I realize we can't work because i'm not mormon....but why does she have to treat me so badly? It really hurts and I don't know what to do. Have I done enough to make up for everything I ever did to hurt her? She doesn't think so....she told me tonight just and hour ago, that everything i've done to make up for it meant NOTHING. Well, jeez...how could she say that? I've done so much for her and what do I get? Well anyway, if anyone out there has any advice, please, help me...I can't do this alone.... Sorry it's so long.
thatmatt Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 wow, that is definitly a lot. I have a feeling she is using her hurt to guilt you into doing all the gruntwork of the relationship. No doubt you came off as an ******* that night with both of them, but you know what? We all have our moments. You are doing everything in your power to make up for your mistakes, and she is using guilt and being manipulative in my opinion. She just ended it. DON'T FIGHT FOR HER!!!!! NC FOR AT LEAST A FEW DAYS!!!! Show her you are strong, independant. Every time you go back so quickly, it puts her more in control, and you are making yourself too too vulnerable, which she is obviously abusing. Don't go right back to her, do NC for a day or two. Make her come back to you. If she really cares about you and the relationship, she will come back and be willing to work at making things right. If she doesn't, then even though it will hurt like hell, at least you've learned something great about other people and about yourself, and you know what you can give to a relationship. I wish you the best of luck, I feel your situation completely, I just got out of a very similar relationship, so if you have more questions or things on your mind, let me know. good luck!
Author Califodm Posted April 7, 2007 Author Posted April 7, 2007 Thank you for your reply. I posted this awhile back and since then, she wanted to start seeing me again and I thought things were different. She said she missed me and couldn't be without me. So, we started seeing each other again...then just last night, she suddenly went right back to what she was doing to me 2 months ago. I can't take this anymore. I'm so burned out.. But I miss her all over again. And she's doing the same thing she did when I posted that. So I'm having to deal with this pain again. It's so difficult.
silentcharon Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 Wow, that's really sad. I'm so sorry that she's doing that to you. I'm sorry, honey, it's just not going to work out for you. See, when people get hurt- sometimes they never forgive, for whatever their reasons may be. You have been doing all the work- you have to figure out where you draw the line. You can only do so much, sometimes it never will be enough. The trust just isn't there anymore. Your relationship is much like a broken vase, but all glued back together. You both have hurt each other- once that trust is betrayed, you will never have 100 percent trust again. What's the point? Think about it. At this rate, she'll probably be doing that kind of thing for as long as you date her. You will also question the placement of your trust in her, because she hurts you when you try to 'make it up to her', and also because she cheated on you when you were still dating her. I don't believe you forgave her 100%. This is all about your own guilt. Let her go.
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