SASSY31 Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 i need to know if a married man can love both his wife and mistress and if so why do he try to keep both happy and what if he is undecisive about which one he wants to be with
frannie Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I think it's possible for a man to love his wife and his mistress, yes. But, if a man loves his wife, then why would he leave her..? I mean, if you love your wife, there is no reason to leave and be with your OW. So, all other things being equal... he will always remain married. Why would he want to keep two women he loves happy..? Well, that's obvious, I would have thought. The only difference I could see is if one or both of the women make a decision for him. For example if his wife throws him out or his OW walks away.
outofdarkness Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 i need to know if a married man can love both his wife and mistress and if so why do he try to keep both happy and what if he is undecisive about which one he wants to be with I actually started a thread some time back about this very topic. I can't remember exactly what I called it but something like; "In love w/ OW AND W?". I got some good feedback, so you might take a look at it by doing a search. I have pondered this question since D day...I am the W...Yes, we have the same questions as you all.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 You aren't asking the right question. The question you will want to consider is: Is being involved with a man who will never leave his wife really going to bring happiness and fulfillment to my life?
Virginia Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 No love is an action. If he is cheating on his wife then he does not love her. I don't care what anyone says if you are in a long term affair you do not love your wife/husband. He also doesn't love the other women,if he did he would be with her. No crap about how hard it is,he doesn't want to leave his kids etc etc if he loved you he would stop seeing you until he ends his marriage. That man doesn't know the true feeling of love,he loves neither of you and I think you need to take a look at what love means. It is not words,it is actions,and while he is still with his wife he is not loving you. If he has to take time to choose between you then he doesn't love you that much at all. The OW/OM here need to realize that the majority of them are being used. You are being used to fill a gap in their marriage,you are being used for fun sex,you are being used for exitment. It is not love,they are using you. If they were not using you then they would be with you. I am not trying to bash anyone,I myself have BTDT but you all need to get some confidence and realize you are worth more than this,you deserve a man/women who will give you their undevided attention. You do not want a man who sees you as nothing more than a sex object and a form of excitement,he may tell you otherwise but again,if he wanted to be with you,he would be.
Kenzo Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I know he doesn't love his W. Their relationship is strictly platonic, at best, like strangers passing at worst. It's been over for them for a long time before I came along (we're together 5 months). He cannot leave his kids and I disagree with those who think think this is not a valid reason for not leaving. Before we met, he had resigned himself to a this lifestyle of going through the motions due to a very strict upbringing, and issuses in his W's childhood that have come to light and probably ruined their marriage. It was doomed from the get go!
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 The man lies to his wife, so you do really believe him when he tells you that their marriage is plantonic? I'm sure he probably tells you they don't have sex. You better go read some of the other threads in this section to understand your situation better. Your MM isn't the sweet, caring and loving man you think he is! IF he was, he wouldn't be cheating on his wife - AND, if he really wanted to, he'd make a choice. But, he doesn't. He's selfish and loving the fact he has TWO women in his life to meet ALL his needs. Why would he want to change that or give up either you or his wife?
mopar crazy Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 i need to know if a married man can love both his wife and mistress and if so why do he try to keep both happy and what if he is undecisive about which one he wants to be with My WH told the xOW he loved her, the both said it. Do I think he loved her? No, not really. I think he loved the way she treated him, but I don't think he loved her enough to start a new life w/ her. B4 my WH and I reconciled our M the thought about him telling the xOW he loved her was a HUGE part of not taking him back. During an IC session I told my counselor that I don't think I could take him back knowing he was in love w/ her, or still in love w/ her. He asked me if I ever thought I was in love, but not. That got me thinking and it was true. Some say a spouse doesn't really love their partner if they have an A. I ponder that myself at times. I know I couldn't have an A...it would hurt my H too much and I couldn't live w/ the guilt of doing that to him.
Kenzo Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I have been reading and reading for awhile trying to make some sense of all of this that I am now such a big part of, I know it sounds like a broken record, but I can't stereotype the relationship we have. I know you are saying how naive I must be to believe all of his "lies" --- but I do believe him and due to circumstances beyond her control, she will not have sex with him. I do feel bad for her but I cannot change the fact that love him! Giving up everything he has worked so hard for would be admitting failure...They both put on this disguise that they project to the world around them, but when he's with me...it's real!
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Maybe you are right, he doens't love his wife, he doesn't have sex with her. And, together they put a huge effort in making it look like things are wonderful, but behind closed doors it's the opposite. Don't you think that their KIDS would feel that energy? Being out in public, seeing them look happy and into eachother, then once home - The distance happens, and they stay away from eachother? Come on...Open your eyes. YOU don't know what they do behind closed doors. And, do you really think the MM is going to be honest with you and tell you he has sex with his wife? Ofcourse not!!!! It's your life, but you're settling for the crap he serves you. You are the OW in his life, no holidays, birthdays, you don't get to be around his family, his friends...YOU are missing out on meeting a man who YOU can start a family with, and love for your own and not have to share.
frannie Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 If a man can supposedly 'love' his wife while 'screwing around' with another woman, he can also 'love' his OW with just as much so-called 'love'. Funny how the arguments only ever seem to go one way... hmmm. Strange how it's the OW who are the ones pulling the wool over their eyes. Some very fishy-smelling arguments around this thread. Let's look at another one... a MM is just in it for the sex with an OW, only using her, and it's 'not love'... unless he leaves his marriage. At which point he's suddenly a loser who will 'cheat on you' because he cheated with you (not someone who finally showed that he loves his OW, note). Same man, not leaving but caught out, and taken back by BS is showing his W he really loves her... not just 'taking the easy option'..? Not forgetting the fact that you never hear, 'if he cheated on you once, he'll cheat on you again'... Inconsistencies, inconsistencies...
frannie Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I have been reading and reading for awhile trying to make some sense of all of this that I am now such a big part of, I know it sounds like a broken record, but I can't stereotype the relationship we have. I know you are saying how naive I must be to believe all of his "lies" --- but I do believe him and due to circumstances beyond her control, she will not have sex with him. You don't have to stereotype your relationship. Let me give you a tip. Read around the rest of LS... especially Separation and Divorce, Infidelity, people having marriage problems. There are plenty of men who don't love their wives, and people posting about sexless marriages, and a whole lot of other problems. Just the way MM describe their marriages, oddly enough... If you stick to the OW forum you'd think MM were the only ones with (supposedly) decent marriages, wonderful sex, and great wives they're in love with Doesn't add up, does it..?
Virginia Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I know he doesn't love his W. Their relationship is strictly platonic, at best, like strangers passing at worst. It's been over for them for a long time before I came along (we're together 5 months). He cannot leave his kids and I disagree with those who think think this is not a valid reason for not leaving. Before we met, he had resigned himself to a this lifestyle of going through the motions due to a very strict upbringing, and issuses in his W's childhood that have come to light and probably ruined their marriage. It was doomed from the get go! Why can he not leave his kids? it is a BS excuse that men spill out of their mouths. It translate to "I want you to think I am a really nice guy so I will pretend I can't leave my kids when in reality I have it all made. A wife and a lover" It is hard to tear a family apart,I appreciate that. I ended my marriage which was a very toxic one when I met my current SO. I also had children and it was tough,but I loved my SO enough to not want him on the side,I wanted him to be the main person in my life. I love him enough to give him all of me,not just a bit of me. The love you have is toxic and I hope one day you realize it. but I do believe him and due to circumstances beyond her control, she will not have sex with him. I do feel bad for her but I cannot change the fact that love him! Giving up everything he has worked so hard for would be admitting failure...They both put on this disguise that they project to the world around them, but when he's with me...it's real! It is not real. Giving up everything he worked for would be admitting failure? well coming from a broken home myself I promised I would never ever let my children come from a "broken home" either. I suffered with guilt too,but the love I feel for my SO means more to me than failure. He is playing you,and yes you do seem naive but I know how it works. I know you want to believe him and no matter what anyone says to you you will just keep saying to yourself that he is different. Take a look around at all the others who have been hurt by similar situations as yours and you will see they all thought the same thing. Anyway,I know you are not ready to take this advice on board but I wish you the best of luck and hope on day you will find true love.
vanilla chai Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I know he doesn't love his W. Their relationship is strictly platonic, at best, like strangers passing at worst. It's been over for them for a long time before I came along (we're together 5 months). He cannot leave his kids and I disagree with those who think think this is not a valid reason for not leaving. Before we met, he had resigned himself to a this lifestyle of going through the motions due to a very strict upbringing, and issuses in his W's childhood that have come to light and probably ruined their marriage. It was doomed from the get go! Do you really believe this? The man can still be a father to his children,all that he's staying for the kids is a load of crap.
Virginia Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 What does "BS" stand for? Ive seen people typing the BS and have no idea what it means.
Guest Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I can look at it from another standpoint, my brother. His wife and he are no longer in love but they have made a committment to stay together until the kids are out of high school. She rarely comes to family functions (it is just him and the kids) and has never gone to a work event for him, does not cook, clean, or anything and he works 60 hours a week while she stays at home. The youngest kid is 11 so she is not staying home to take care of the kids. He loves her but I know he is not in love with her. The kids know too but they love having Mom and Dad under one roof. So here is a relationship outside of mine where I can tell you they are together only for the kids.
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Yes, and in the meantime, the kids are learning how to develop FUTURE relationships, based on what they see at home. Sure, mom and dad are under the same roof, but they aren't happy. They don't DO things together, each are living their own separate life under the same roof. THAT is not healthy for their kids. They might as well divorce. What their relationship is as husband and wife isn't a normal one and definately not something the kids can learn and grow from.
Kenzo Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I am truly sorry that him and the W cannot see how their relationship will affect the kids (6 & 8, BTW). I can't be the one to tell him these things, he has to come to realize it for himself...I know many, many couples who stay together for their kids...my parents did it, they divorced when I was 20---13 years ago. Both of my sisters are happily married one for 11 years and one for 3, my parents "going through the motions" kept that burden off of us until we were old enough to understand it and respect that they deserved to be happy. Who knows how it would have affected us had they done it when they wanted too...but we all turned out just fine coming from a supposedly "unhappy" home. Listen, they got married way too young, she's never worked, and she has emotional issuses, he has done everything to try and help fix her-counseling, medicine, he's read every book on the shelves trying to understand what she has been going through all these years...he tried - she gave up on him...BUT she has a life she can deal with, and yeah it pisses me off when I think about how she gets all this because she knows he won't leave those kids. She takes advantage of the situation! She has to do NOTHING to keep her lifestyle because of the man he is. And she has flat out told him it will never change. Frannie-I have read so many of your posts...you are very insightful and understanding, I actually feel a little better now, after reading your comments...Very big THANK YOU!!
Island Girl Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Is being involved with a man who will never leave his wife really going to bring happiness and fulfillment to my life? Absolutely fabulous question for any OW to ask herself.
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Kenzo, it takes two...He is as much to blame as her. You're only hearing one side of things and something tells me he probably isn't so sweet and innocent in their problems....I'm sure there are times HE is no prize either. That's the thing, you never know what goes on behind closed doors, and he isn't going to openly tell you in detail his part in the downfall in their marriage... I'm just sayin'..
outofdarkness Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 I know he doesn't love his W. Their relationship is strictly platonic, at best, like strangers passing at worst. It's been over for them for a long time before I came along (we're together 5 months). He cannot leave his kids and I disagree with those who think think this is not a valid reason for not leaving. Before we met, he had resigned himself to a this lifestyle of going through the motions due to a very strict upbringing, and issuses in his W's childhood that have come to light and probably ruined their marriage. It was doomed from the get go! Don't necessarity take what he tells you as the gospel!!! My H was and still is a very respected, upper class, executive type with a baby face and an extremely structured and snooty background. NOONE in a zillion years would have suspected that he was/did cheat. My H would have said just about anything to both myself and his OW's to maintain the facad and lies...If they're accomplished at it and already have a great reputation in the community, ect..it's very easy to do. I'm just saying to take care of yourself and don't totally believe everything he tells you...Chances are, he's telling his W all sorts of lies, besides the fact that he's lieing by ommision by simply withholding the fact that he's involved in an A... I have to address the S-- issue too. I know after I spoke to my H's main OW of 10 years, he had told her that I was unable/unwilling to have s-- for years, but that was totally untrue. He was buring the candle on both ends for years!!!
Kenzo Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 I get that...and you're right---BUT he tells me so much and no it doesn't always put him in the best light as a husband...he knows he is not in it anymore and so he is therefore done pretending with her-when it's him and her-when the kids are present well that's a different story...he doesn't sugar coat things, and if he is then I don't even want to know how really bad they are... He once said to me "Let's call a spade a spade, if she looked at me the way you look at me, if she touched me the way you touch me, if she listened to me the way you do...we wouldn't exist"---He does tell so me much, and I listen like I would to any other friend that's hurting and in a bad relationship. He used to believe in happily ever after...and I still do...I want to show him it can exist. I blame her for having such a fantastic man right in front of her and not appreciating a single moment of it. I blame him for living a lie when love is sitting right under his nose. I blame myself for being weak and giving in to what's in my heart!
frannie Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 Kenzo, it takes two...He is as much to blame as her. You're only hearing one side of things and something tells me he probably isn't so sweet and innocent in their problems....I'm sure there are times HE is no prize either. That's the thing, you never know what goes on behind closed doors, and he isn't going to openly tell you in detail his part in the downfall in their marriage... I'm just sayin'.. Well of course it takes two (usually!) to ruin a relationship. Each time someone says 'MM isn't going to tell you all about his part in their downfall' to an OW who HAS heard plenty about his shortcomings from his own mouth is going to look at those words and think... you just don't know what you're talking about here. If a MM admits that he's 'no prize', has contributed at least his fair share to a ruined marriage, then what..? Does that change anything..? Or do you just refuse to believe that a MM could admit those things about himself..?
frannie Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 I blame her for having such a fantastic man right in front of her and not appreciating a single moment of it. I blame him for living a lie when love is sitting right under his nose. I blame myself for being weak and giving in to what's in my heart! Kenzo thanks for your words above. I wanted to ask you, since I often feel the way you're describing here... ... You say above that your parents stayed together 'til you were 20, despite not loving each other and really wanting to divorce. And that they did it to protect you, their children, and give you a secure and unchanging home upbringing. Now, you say you feel your MM is not doing the best (for him or them..?) by staying in his M and 'living a lie'..? In fact, doing exactly what your parents did. How do you feel about your parents' decision to stay married all those years..? I mean, not from the 'modelling a good marriage' perspective (as you've said, your siblings have formed good marriages of their own) but from the point of view of having missed out on love and life perhaps...? Not wishing to ask leading questions I'll leave it there. I'm asking mostly because (as you possibly know), my MM is torn between staying married 'til his children are older, or divorcing now. Plenty of people have said to him, if you don't love your wife at all, and it's all a sham, then it would be best all round if you divorced.
Kenzo Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 As far as my parents go, I am sad for them. As children, we never knew there was anything brewing under the surface of their marriage, they were pros at hiding the problems. When this decision came down we we're all in shock...(I was 20, but my yougest sister was 10) Now, as an adult I wish they would have found the courage(?) to find love, my father passed away about 7 years ago, at the age of 51, never findind tru happiness, and my mom has had several relationships in the years since the divorce but none have been "the one", and she is currently single, and she has said several times that it's too late for her. Trust me there is no changing her mind on this, but I hold out hope that someone special will come into her life. I think it makes me want HIM to leave more knowing that the future can be good for us, but with his parents going on their 50th ( I can only assume they're happy) and him having the perfect childhood, he wants to try like hell to provide the same for his kids. I wish I had the power to convince him that the kids will be fine. It doesn't change the fact that he is a great father and provider, those kids have more than they will ever need or want and actually that will probably hurt them more later in life...being sooooo spoiled! HE was distraught last night, the weekends kill us, he lives about an hour away, and we both have a very intense pain in our voices...I know he wants to "pull the trigger" as he has refered to it but he has to find the courage and and strengh...I mean let's face it, it's a lot easier to stay, and live the lie. My question to you-- does he ever ask or does he expect that you will wait around until his kids are older? My MM has flat out said that if I could wait a few years we will be together...I'm not waiting so to speak, I go out when the opportunity arises, but I feel that whenthat day comes and he comes to find me I would welcome him back with open arms...not that he deserves that...but he has stolen my heart!
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