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Posted

I never thought I could possibly fall for a married man but I did and I can't seem to help myself. I even broke it off once but I couldn't leave it that way. The problem is, that it is not just about sex because we really have not had much of it. But we talk almost every day and when we don't I miss him. He is my first thought in the morning and the last thought as I go to sleep. He says that he will never leave his wife and family (and I actually don't want him to - I have been married and divorced) but I feel guilty for the affair and yet the thought of not having contact with him is so much worse. Do others feel as torn as I do?

Posted

Unfortunately, you have posted right when a lot of regulars have been burned by a researcher.

 

You may find that people will be reluctant to answer, empathize, sympathize or even believe you're real.

 

If real, so many of us find ourselves in the most precarious situation of loving someone who is so unavailable. We've never been in this situation in such a drastic way. We've all encountered unavailable people - emotionally, physically - but not both at the same time. The real confusion is that the MM/MW is physically available sometimes, and VERY available emotionally. More so than anyone we've ever met before. But probably only because they (MM/MW) want emotional availability from their spouse so badly, they reach out to us.... the OW/OM. The person (us) who is somehow vulnerable enough to attach themselves to the lost MM/MW.

 

We've all felt it. We do understand. But if he's saying he won't leave.... Believe that. Know that. Accept that. Walk away. You will (not may, WILL) save yourself from a very long road with a view of your pain and confusion. You WILL allow serious damage to yourself. Even if he's the best friend you've ever known.... it probably will never be worth the price you will pay to be with him.

 

That being said, truly, only you can stop it. It doesn't matter what we say, what your friends/family will say. You must know that the little voice telling you that this will end badly for you is the only voice you should listen to.

 

I wish you luck and I do understand as do most of the posters here. If you're looking for advice... either way - walking away or dealing with it.... come here. There are many that feel your pain.

 

Oh... & try to ignore the flamers.... they will only hurt. They're usually BS's that really shouldn't posting her anyway.

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Posted

Thank you for your very thoughtful reply. You are so right in that it is the emotional availability that is getting to me. He is the first to say that that is what he wants because he doesn't have that at home. And of course having someone so desperately wanting to have me emotionally is so addictive. I feel wanted and desired in a way I have never felt before (I am divorced and believe me my husband never acted this way toward me).

 

Anyway you have given me a lot of food for thought

 

thanks

 

(too bad about the researcher but I understand why people might be a bit jaded right now and I will keep that in mind)

Posted

If you read through some of the threads here, you'll see there are many OW who are stuck between a rock and a hard place...they're unahappy with their situations, but they find it very difficult to leave.

 

It really doesn't get any easier from there. A man who states he will never leave his wife, is a man who will never leave his wife. That leaves you with a part-time relationship with someone who will never be with you the way you want him to.

 

The sooner you admit to yourself that a MM is not enough to make you happy - no matter how wonderful it feels to be with him when you can manage to get some time together - the sooner you will be able to take the deep breath and stop seeing him. That's really the only way you're going to ever feel better - when you can stop hiding in the shadows.

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Posted

Ok, I really appreciate your words and I recognize them as truth but I am wondering if there is ever any chance of things working out. I am very happy, successfull, and busy in my work life and part of what works for this relationship is not having demands on my time. What worries me most is that saying all of that, will the emotional drain finally take its toll or is it possible for us to work out in this capacity? He gets to keep his family and we have the emotional/passionate relationship.

 

I am just wondering thoughts on this?

Posted

i know how you feel jag 13 i myself is in a relationship with a married man ,but he cant seem to make up his mind on who he wants,he say he love me well i think he love her too,we have been together for 4 years the sex is great but he does more than just that,he provides for me, and i love him but at the same time i am hurting and i cry and feel sad when he is with his wife and he knows that so he will call me while they are together and he tries to make up for not being with me, but i feel that is not enough and i have tried to leave him but it is hard,we work together

Posted

jag13...i have been accused, and I admit, yes I was, of insulting and berating cheaters and OW/OM...however in those other cases, I feel it was rightfully so since those OW/OM had no intention of leaving their MM and it was all about "me me me" in their minds.

 

But in your case, you truly seem to feel bad and sounds like you want to do the right thing.

 

All I can say is, you have to make the break...he already told you he isn't leaving his wife...to me that says, "I'm not leaving my wife...I just want sex with you" And that is the kind of man you do not need and not just because he's married.

 

I hope you decide to do the right thing and leave him for a better situation....because god help your soul if his wife finds out and, especially if they have kids, you are partly responsible for wrecking a home.

 

Good luck.

Posted

Jag,

 

I so feel your pain. I think about my xOW constantly. She is the first person I think of in the morning and the last I think of at night. She was my soulmate. The world can be so cruel as to bring someone into your life who touches you like no other has just to walk out of your life just as suddenly as she walked in. God it hurts.....

Posted
Oh... & try to ignore the flamers.... they will only hurt. They're usually BS's that really shouldn't posting her anyway.

 

I am a BS and I feel I gave her some empathy since she truly sounds like she wants to do the right thing.

 

I have "flamed" the cheaters and OM/OW in here, but only because they had no interest in ceasing the relationship that is destroying so many lives.

 

I can respect someone in jag's situation and wants to do the right thing.

Posted

i think that will work because it will be just that, a sex thing now tell me what man wouldnt want to have to sex partners for a very long time

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Posted

It sounds like you are really torn up with your situation. I can't offer you any words of advice because I don't know what it is like to being in a situation like yours for so many years. I would think that after 4 years you have much invested in your relationship.

 

You don't say how old you are or if you have been married or if you want children but maybe some of those things might help you decide. If you want children maybe it might be the time to find someone who you can have them with...I don't know, just one thought. Good luck

Posted
i think that will work because it will be just that, a sex thing now tell me what man wouldnt want to have to sex partners for a very long time

 

But who is the woman that will be satisfied with "just a sex thing" for years on end? I can't imagine that it would be anything but emotionally devastating to her after a very short time.

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Posted
Jag,

 

The world can be so cruel as to bring someone into your life who touches you like no other has just to walk out of your life just as suddenly as she walked in. God it hurts.....

 

 

I know it seems so cruel that you meet someone and your heart is lost to them. When I see my MM face my breath is just taken right from under me. I never thought I would feel this way.

Posted

Hi all,

I too am stuck in this horrible state! Just got my "sweet dreams" call as he took his 30 second break from Friday night poker game in his garage. But just seeing his name on the caller ID gives me butterflies! I wonder how I've allowed this to happen, I think about it costantly. Walking away seems like the hardest thing to do, and I think about that too--everyday, maybe tomorrow will be that day...

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Posted

I know...isn't it awful when we see their name on our caller id or in the email. My heart jumps...I am sorry for your pain too. Wouldn't it be so much easier if our hearts were not lost to the wrong person. Sounds like you are ready to call it quits...good luck with that if that is the case and I hope you find someone wonderful

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Posted

Thank you for your nice words and you are right that I do want to do the right thing. I am sorry that you were a BS because I am sure that you went through a lot of pain with that.

 

I do want you to know that I really never expected a situation like this to happen and it has thrown me. I don't want to break up a marriage or hurt children and all I can say is that I can't help these feelings that have overcome me

Posted
Thank you for your nice words and you are right that I do want to do the right thing. I am sorry that you were a BS because I am sure that you went through a lot of pain with that.

 

I do want you to know that I really never expected a situation like this to happen and it has thrown me. I don't want to break up a marriage or hurt children and all I can say is that I can't help these feelings that have overcome me

 

You sound like a decent person. Even though you are an OW, I respect you for what you are saying.

 

I have blasted OW/OM on here...but the only reason is, the ones I replied to didn't have any interest or intention on doing the right thing...much less seem like they cared about the devestation they are helping to cause.

 

I hope you find the strength to get out of the situation. I know it will be hard, but you sound like you have the stomach for it.

 

Good luck.

Posted
I never thought I could possibly fall for a married man but I did and I can't seem to help myself. I even broke it off once but I couldn't leave it that way. The problem is, that it is not just about sex because we really have not had much of it. But we talk almost every day and when we don't I miss him. He is my first thought in the morning and the last thought as I go to sleep. He says that he will never leave his wife and family (and I actually don't want him to - I have been married and divorced) but I feel guilty for the affair and yet the thought of not having contact with him is so much worse. Do others feel as torn as I do?

 

I'm not sure why others are talking about 'just sex' on this thread, but of course affairs are 'all about sex', especially for some people who have never been in one. You talk about missing his conversation and emotional support, and that's exactly what I'd miss too.

 

I also do feel similar to you in that I have questioned whether it would be OK on one level to continue the affair with him, but torn because of the guilt of that, the difficulties of being involved with a MM (mostly the practical difficulties, ability to contact him whenever, etc.).

 

But what decided me against continuing the affair is this: why should I be compromising the entire time..? Yes, it's great having him in my life, but is it really fair on myself to put up with all these problems just so other people's lives aren't disturbed, just so it fits in with other people? I can't see the rationale of his mind any longer. If he wants me, he will have to do the right thing and get divorced. Despite the fact that I'll be losing a lot, missing him a lot, it is worth that just to know that I don't have to bend myself like a piece of wire for the rest of my life to suit other people.

Posted

1. What worries me most is that saying all of that, will the emotional drain finally take its toll or is it possible for us to work out in this capacity?

2. He gets to keep his family and we have the emotional/passionate relationship.

 

1. It can work, but you have to take the steps to make it work. First, you have to lower your expectations, and make sure you never ever get to the point where you start to put pressure on MM to leave his marriage. You have to understand that part of being a HOW (happy other woman) means that you have to keep your emotional needs to a bare minimum. A married guy can only give you so much. You have to let him know that whatever he can give is good enough for you, and that you will never ask more of him than he can afford to give. As soon as you start wanting or needing more than just being the OW, the emotional drain will start. Remember, this isn't a typical bf/gf relationship. Don't expect typical bf/gf types of things.

 

This guy isn't leaving his wife or family. Accept that, keep your expectations low, keep your needs to a minimum (or at least don't share them with MM - remember, this is all about him and his needs - not you and your needs) and agree to complete discretion. You have to realize that you are the 'extra' part of his life - the part that is disposable, when the chips are down.

 

You have to be willing to lie for him as well, when you get caught - and eventually you will get caught. You have to put yourself last in this situation, and be willing to do whatever it takes to help the MM keep his marriage intact. Don't go into this assuming "love conquers all" - plenty of OW have thought that, until they found themselves on the receiving end of that 'no contact' letter sent to them by MM after D-day.

 

2. I expect that is his plan as well. Just make it as easy for him as possible, by putting yourself in the most emotionally passive position that you can. Take what you can get, never expect more and your relationship with the MM should go ok.

 

Of course, you have to ask yourself... is the happiness you want from this worth the personal sacrifice?

Posted
1. It can work, but you have to take the steps to make it work. First, you have to lower your expectations, and make sure you never ever get to the point where you start to put pressure on MM to leave his marriage. You have to understand that part of being a HOW (happy other woman) means that you have to keep your emotional needs to a bare minimum. A married guy can only give you so much. You have to let him know that whatever he can give is good enough for you, and that you will never ask more of him than he can afford to give. As soon as you start wanting or needing more than just being the OW, the emotional drain will start. Remember, this isn't a typical bf/gf relationship. Don't expect typical bf/gf types of things.

 

This guy isn't leaving his wife or family. Accept that, keep your expectations low, keep your needs to a minimum (or at least don't share them with MM - remember, this is all about him and his needs - not you and your needs) and agree to complete discretion. You have to realize that you are the 'extra' part of his life - the part that is disposable, when the chips are down.

 

You have to be willing to lie for him as well, when you get caught - and eventually you will get caught. You have to put yourself last in this situation, and be willing to do whatever it takes to help the MM keep his marriage intact. Don't go into this assuming "love conquers all" - plenty of OW have thought that, until they found themselves on the receiving end of that 'no contact' letter sent to them by MM after D-day.

 

Personally, I disagree with quite a bit of this. But perhaps I'm reading some of it wrong..?

 

If being an OW really were all about the MM's needs, and putting your own needs on the back-burner, then I don't think there would be many takers for the slot of OW, do you..? An OW has every reason to expect her emotional needs to be satisfied, just as any other person in any other relationship does. Letting someone know that whatever they can give you is enough for you is asking to be treated like a piece of rubbish. Every one has to set boundaries for themselves, set expectations, and define their own needs. If the MM isn't meeting them, he won't be having his affair for very long!

 

Just to show how a lot of what you've written here doesn't work (as far as I can see). In many cases both affair partners are married. i.e. they're both looking for needs to be met by their affair partner. How do you suggest that that works out, if 'being the OP involves only meeting the MP's needs'..? It doesn't, as far as I can see... or am I missing something..?

 

But part of what you've written makes sense to me. Being happy in an affair really does depend on accepting particular things. One of them being, as you say, an expectation that the married person will be remaining married. It also depends on keeping jealousy in check. And having your own life outside of the affair (even if that's another marriage :D ).

Posted

I wish I was ready, jag, I really do! But sadly I am not. He has taken my heart and damn it he won't give it back! He knows how bad this is for me, if i go out, whether with another guy, or just with friends the calls and the texts get crazy...even a little bipolar! "He must be hot", "Are you replacing me?"... and the funny thing is walking away is not an option for me right now.

I get so angry, I even fight with him on the weekends...I just get so lonely, no matter how many people are around-he is the only one I want to be with...I'm so afraid I will not find this feeling again

Posted
I wish I was ready, jag, I really do! But sadly I am not. He has taken my heart and damn it he won't give it back! He knows how bad this is for me, if i go out, whether with another guy, or just with friends the calls and the texts get crazy...even a little bipolar! "He must be hot", "Are you replacing me?"... and the funny thing is walking away is not an option for me right now.

I get so angry, I even fight with him on the weekends...I just get so lonely, no matter how many people are around-he is the only one I want to be with...I'm so afraid I will not find this feeling again

 

I know you weren't meaning things in the way I highlighted them but... look what you've written here... why would you ever want to feel these feelings again.

 

You're not ready... but you will be.

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Posted

So I thought and thought last night and I really appreciated all of the kind words and pieces of advice. I got up and went for a run and I am having a coffee right now and I am trying to not sit at home and obsess about him (of course I am talking to you guys *smile*). Although part of me wants to believe that we could keep our fantastic connection and I don't want him to leave his wife (and I sincerely mean that) I also want more of a normal relationship. I want to be able to touch in public or just not live with the guilt of knowing what hurt I would cause if his wife were to find out.

 

So this week I am going to throw myself into my work, go to the gym and hope I can have the strength to not anwer his calls. Wish me luck and I will keep checking back if I need to talk.

Posted

frannie- that dose of reality just kicked me in the a$$...who looks at things like that?? Thank you, you definitely put a spin on it I wasn't expecting!

Posted

I completely understand where you are coming from. I am in the same situation. Never imagined I would be here but I am. The only difference is I dont feel guilty. I am to happy when I am with this man to feel shame and guilt. Yes It sounds heartless but it is true. Now having said that..I dont intentionally wish the devestation of an affair on anyone but as harsh as it sounds I am in way to deep to think of anyone other than myself.

 

I never intended for it to turn into this years ago when it began and I never wanted anyone to get hurt ,but I am not the one that is suppose to be commited to her..he is ,so why is so much of the responsibility on me to keep this man faithful to his wife?

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