McFadden Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 A recap of my situation: Was dumped by ex around 5 weeks ago for vague reasons, he claimed to have no feelings for me anymore but I still had feelings for him. Remained on friendly terms for around a month, but I was not enjoying that very much that because seeing him reminded me of the break up and made me feel bad. I just didn't want to be friends anymore, ect. So on Sunday morning started NC and dropped off the edge of the earth with no announcement to him. Some people told me that was the right thing to do, some people told me it was the wrong thing to do. Anyway that's what I did, I had not broken NC since. He kept trying to contact me at first, but in the last few days he had become less persistant and finally stopped. so I figured he had gotten the idea and everything was ok. Today I was relaxing and enjoying my NC when I recieved some calls on my cell phone from an unlisted number. I know the exes number and don't pick it up when it's him. I also usually don't pick up the phone when it's unlisted, but they called again and again so I finally did. Surprise. It was the ex (I guess he used someone else's phone.) At first I didn't realise it was him, but he said "Hey, it's _____" then "come outside." He sounded scary.. wasn't yelling, just low and calm and like he meant business. I didn't come out but I opened my front window (I view the front) and he was in his car in the driveway. I yelled down to leave, then I shut the window and watched through a gap in the curtain. He got out and stood at the front gate. He didn't even say anything, he just stood there for what seemed like a year apparently waiting for me to come out. I was kind of just unsure of what to do and I did nothing. He finally got in his car and drove away. I figured that was the end of the episode. Several minutes after he drove away I get a text message (from his cell phone this time) "open your curtains." I open my curtain. HIS FACE IS IN MY FREAKING WINDOW. Like an inch from me. He was holding on to the side of the house with one hand and bangs on the window with the other. I am on second story and baffled as to how the hell he even got up there, It was like something out of a horror movie. I guess he climbed the trellis thing but WTF? At that point I screamed at the top of my lungs, just because I was so caught off guard. When he said look out your window I expected he was still on the ground or something, not right there. My mom ran into the room. As soon as they saw each other he climbs down, runs across the front yard and starts climbing the gate. My mom said she was calling the police, and to keep the window shut and curtain closed. I open it and he is still standing next to the gate. So I opened my window and yelled "Get out of here, we're calling the police." So he left again, and I talked my mom into not calling the police because I told her it was just a prank or something. To get to the question, now what? I don't know if or when he will show up again, or what will happen next time. Was I wrong for telling my mom not to call the police? I didn't want to escalate the drama, and I think deep down he is not the kind of person who would cause any real damage. Apparently he wants to talk (I don't. That was the point of NC.) But at this point I don't even care about it that much anymore, I just want to get this situation under control. Should I call him and try to calm things down? Or write a letter? I started NC without a courtesy announcement, which is probably why he is shaken up, so maybe I should explain everything to him? Or not? What would you guys do?
norajane Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Wow, that's really freaky, and definitely stalkerish behavior! Whatever he wants, he ought to be able to talk to you on the phone about it, or he can send you an email. Stalking your house is wayyyyy out of line. I don't think you should contact him. He scared you to death, so unless he sends you an email apologizing or something, I'd totally stay away from him.
LakesideDream Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 You should probably CALL HIM and find out what his story is.. and tell him you don't want any further contact. He tried to call you and failed. Obviously he became unhinged, and out of control. If he seems dangerous... get a protective order from the court. You might also want to take a few pictures of him on your property.
oppath Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I think you should call him. I learned from my recent breakup that email is too one sided, and it is difficult to reach any resolution or closure. I would call and tell him that what he did hurt you and freaked you out, and that the reason you didn't talk to him all week was because it was time for you to move on, and that being in touch with him hurt you and delayed your healing. If he protests, then tell him that how he acted was stalkerish and you will not tolerate him acting that way again. He dumped you, you hurt and want to move on, and if he truly cared for you he'd let you heal.
ratingsguy Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I would also suggest calling him. You should tell him how incredibly freaked out you were and that no sane human being would ever behave that way. But more importantly, you need to tell him how you feel, tell him it's over and tell him you're maintaining NC. Don't be mean about it either, be as polite as you can, but stand your ground. Don't let him change your mind. You've already made up your mind that NC is the way to go and after that episode, I couldn't agree more. Easier said than done, but it still needs to be done... and as soon as possible.
Author McFadden Posted February 18, 2007 Author Posted February 18, 2007 Yeah I was mad yesterday so I was going to wait and maybe feel like talking today after I calmed down. But he didn't even make an attempt to apologise. Nothing from him today. If he called to apologise or something today, I was planning to pick up and explain, and let him get any final words off his chest. But he is not considerate so I just wrote him this note and sent it to him in the mail. Hey (Name,) my finely tuned psychic powers have informed me that you are upset that I haven't been talking to you lately. Actually, its a combination of my psychic powers, and the fact that you have called and texted me over 100 times and tried to break in my window. I am willing to let that incident go, but if anything else happens I will not hesitate to involve the police. I already have pictures of you trespassing on my property, so don't push your luck. Anyway, I'm sorry if I have caused you confusion. I should have explained sooner. What's going on is, I have spent the last month reviewing your offer to be friends, and I decided to decline, thank you . Stop contacting me. In fact, don't waste your energy replying to this note, as I won't even be reading anything that comes from you in the future. I understand if you are dissapointed because you wanted to remain friends, but I am not over what happened and I don't. This had to be said. If you ever really were a friend to me, respect my wishes. Thanks for some interesting times over the years, goodbye. Sincerely (no longer) yours, (Name)
ratingsguy Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 Kudos McFadden for putting an end to this. Your note was pretty cold, but it did get the point across. And that's my only criticism... I would have been more polite. Mainly because you don't want any negative repercussions and just want him out of your life entirely. Being cold gives him some motivation to want to respond in some way. Although your reference to calling the police should quell that same motivation.
justagirliegirl Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 I don't think you are required to be polite to wackos.
ratingsguy Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 I don't think you are required to be polite to wackos. I don't either, but I think in this case it's the best thing to do.
Violet_Sky Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 I still wouldn't have even given him the satisfaction of an email, just called the police next time he showed up at your house.
Author McFadden Posted February 20, 2007 Author Posted February 20, 2007 Just to keep everyone abreast of the situation, he called my mother this morning, whos number he only has because of an emergency that happened YEARS ago, and he hung on to for some reason. When she offered to take a message he asked her to tell me to give him a ring if I happen to get a chance. I have not called and asked my mother not to take messages if he calls again. I swear when I even HEAR about something he said it is worse than actually talking to him.
oppath Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 I'm guessing he largely wants to apologize because he feels TERRIBLE! But he is afraid of contacting you directly. That is why I would have suggested you contact him directly rather than the letter...to give him a minimum chance to respond. This doesn't mean you did the wrong thing. You did what you have to do. But I've learned from a painful situation that I regretted using email/letter to communicate. Stand your ground, but if it get's worse, just talk to him. Talk to him harshly, but give him a chance to acknowledge you. Hopefully he will be apologizing soon.
amerikajin Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Jesus! Look, you don't owe this guy a phone call. You don't owe him anything. This guy crossed a line and he damn well knows it. If it happens again, I would immediately go to the police and get a restraining order. So many punks like this operate off of fear and intimidation. He was okay until the moment he suspected you might be getting over him - then things changed. The guy's a waste...don't waste another moment analyzing his idiotic behavior.
Author McFadden Posted February 20, 2007 Author Posted February 20, 2007 Yeah I know, this guy is a real prize. Definitely worthy of every ounce of courtesy and consideration I can provide him. I am honored that he has taken time out of his day to try to contact me (sweet:love: ), however my undying love of his pure and angelic soul prevents me from being able to put my feelings into words over the phone with him, so I had to express them in that note. Which for some reason apparently did not sink in as he called me the next day. Maybe he has trouble reading, as he missed a minor points such as Stop contacting me don't waste your energy replying to this note respect my wishes if anything else happens I will not hesitate to involve the police (Its called sarcasm)
oppath Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 I'm not saying he deserved better. Just in general, to avoid situations like this it helps to act assertively before something bad could happen. This situation is so odd, however, because he dumped her, and he is already dating someone else. I screwed up with my ex and my ego has been shot as a result. In my case, I was dumped, and I was the one requesting no contact and she finally got the message, only for me to find out that before she broke up with me, her ex came back into town and proposed to her. So I fired off an f-you email and caller her passive, selfish, and pathetic, and that if she wouldn't tell me the truth I would tell her ex about me. I regretted it almost immediately and felt embarrassed and ashamed. I have sincerely apologized for my irrational and base behavior and haven't received acknowledgement, which hurts. I'm not a psycho, abusive, manipulative person with anger issues, I had one moment of weakness and I've learned tremendously from this experience. So in a sense, I feel for the guy, although since he dumped her and he is dating someone else, it is not a comparable situation, and trespassing at someone's house is not the same thing as expressing anger and momentarily being weak via email, then apologizing. People make big mistakes when emotions are involved that they later regret. This is why I advocate honesty when dealing with people in these situations; a simple declaration before NC that the post breakup friendship is not working, and you need space to heal is assertive and will get the job done. Of course, McFadden, don't blame yourself for not doing this; your ex sounds like a dick. But if he does succeed in contacting you and he expresses an apology, I feel the best thing to do is accept the apology, but restate you are still healing so you can't be in contact with him, and that his actions did freak you out. Setting your boundaries in an assertive way can help avoid psychotic repsonses.
Author McFadden Posted February 20, 2007 Author Posted February 20, 2007 I'm not saying he deserved better. Just in general, to avoid situations like this it helps to act assertively before something bad could happen. This situation is so odd, however, because he dumped her, and he is already dating someone else. I screwed up with my ex and my ego has been shot as a result. In my case, I was dumped, and I was the one requesting no contact and she finally got the message, only for me to find out that before she broke up with me, her ex came back into town and proposed to her. So I fired off an f-you email and caller her passive, selfish, and pathetic, and that if she wouldn't tell me the truth I would tell her ex about me. I regretted it almost immediately and felt embarrassed and ashamed. I have sincerely apologized for my irrational and base behavior and haven't received acknowledgement, which hurts. I'm not a psycho, abusive, manipulative person with anger issues, I had one moment of weakness and I've learned tremendously from this experience. So in a sense, I feel for the guy, although since he dumped her and he is dating someone else, it is not a comparable situation, and trespassing at someone's house is not the same thing as expressing anger and momentarily being weak via email, then apologizing. People make big mistakes when emotions are involved that they later regret. This is why I advocate honesty when dealing with people in these situations; a simple declaration before NC that the post breakup friendship is not working, and you need space to heal is assertive and will get the job done. Of course, McFadden, don't blame yourself for not doing this; your ex sounds like a dick. But if he does succeed in contacting you and he expresses an apology, I feel the best thing to do is accept the apology, but restate you are still healing so you can't be in contact with him, and that his actions did freak you out. Setting your boundaries in an assertive way can help avoid psychotic repsonses. His attempts to contact have quieted down and he seems pretty calm (according to my mom.) But I am not going out of my way to call him. Any effort put forth on my part will feed his opinion that I am still in love with him. Which, uh, is actually true but we don't need him knowing that. Besides I do not want to accidentally call while he is with his new girl friend or something, how terrible for me. I will be seeing him an a week (non-optional social event.) If he still wants to say something then I will not put a stop to it. I still really think that he doesn not deserve to be considered at this point, but I'm not exactly going to kick him if he talks to me, in front of people. I also read your other post about your situation. I think the f-you email was totally understandable and that she should at least acknowledge your apology, even though she should be the one apologizing! I have noticed that the computer is always a problem for me. Whenever I say something terrible it tends to be online. It invites crap like that because it is so fast and easy to say something that and send.
oppath Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 No, don't go out of your way to deal with him. Absolutely not. I'm just saying we all learn lessons from our breakups; there is not right way to deal with the continuing drama. After all of my relationships end, I tend to examine not what I did wrong during the relationship and during the break up, but on where I could have acted more assertively and set my boundaries. My relationships have gotten progressively better as a result. And I totally relate to still loving your ex despite losing respect for them and being angry at them. It takes time for those feelings to fade. People say "well now you know who he/she truly is" but really, you don't. How someone acts in a painful, confusing, and complex situation only indicates a small fraction of who they are; that's not to say it isn't an important fraction. Your ex, despite dating someone else, is surely hung up on you too. That doesn't excuse his behavior as ok, but if he apologizes, accepting it is in order. I'm not saying you have to seek him out for this; he will eventually come to you. And thanks for your kind words regarding my ex. I know I said some things that hurt her but I am shocked she hasn't acknowledged my apology and apologized back. I really expected "I accept your apology. I'm mad at you for the words you used and you have no right to have said those things to me, but I understand why you were hurt, and I should have told you about my ex. I didn't go back to him, just so you know, but I didn't know how to tell you because I knew it would hurt you. I'm sorry you found out. Since we appear to have anger towards each other I feel it is best not to be in contact. Best of luck."
Davis Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Hey McFadden! Wow, that's a crazy story!! I thought he broke up with you? I'm not convinced that it was because you didn't tell him you were going NC, he's just a little unstable. That was kinda a harsh mail you sent. But, I guess you have to do what you have to do. Anyway, glad you're ok. Continue NC. You might have to get a Court Order. It might be a good idea now incase his behavior escalates. Keep us updated. Hang in there.
Author McFadden Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 Yes he did break it off, not me. He does not have feelings for me in the traditional sense. I already know why he is acting like this. He is 100% narcissist egomaniacal jack*ss and he cannot stand to be ignored. Everything has to be on his terms. So far in life he has succeeded in getting his way. He has managed to surround himself with a small group of friends who are all extremely dependent on him. His best friend is this gay guy who is openly in love with my ex and subsequently has never dated anyone else. My ex is not gay and admitted the only reason he keeps this guy in the picture is because he needs the constant attention. And his other friend (the one I posted about before) is a not particularly well-adjusted scizophrenic who is dependent on him for food, money, place to stay sometimes, rides, and other elaborate favors. Needy losers gravitate toward this guy like he is a walking soup kitchen or something, but he has to have it that way, it is codependent. And now that one of the people has decided they want no part of it he is just like wtf? Someone has defied me? They shall pay!
Davis Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Haha! Really sounds like your ex hasn't realized he's bisexual yet!! Strange! He hangs with a gay guy and a schizo? Doesn't that just tell you EVERYTHING you need to know about your ex?!? If you tell us you miss him on here anymore, I'm gonna track you down and beat you with a fly swatter! Aren't you happy you're not a loser!! Move on girl!! No, RUN !!!!
Author McFadden Posted February 22, 2007 Author Posted February 22, 2007 The problem is, I want him back. All these unpleasantries don't change it. I want one more chance with him. I'm not having a good night. It's been 6 weeks and I am still in the mental state of someone who was broken up with an hour ago.
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