whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 tried to talk to him - and when that didn't work I waited to try to talk to him or give him a message - and when that didn't work I left a message with someone. But, this is abit excessive. If you call, leave a message and the person doens'st call you back, then WAIT for him to call you. He probably felt like you were trying hard to track him down, when infact he didn't want to talk. Hate to tell ya this, but chances are he isn't even thinking about this incident. He's probably at home, with his wife and his mind on her, and his family. You need a reality check. Sorry to sound harsh, but seriously relax and focus on YOU and have fun with other friends right now. He isn't worth making any effort on.
Author Crash Posted February 17, 2007 Author Posted February 17, 2007 But, this is abit excessive. If you call, leave a message and the person doens'st call you back, then WAIT for him to call you. He probably felt like you were trying hard to track him down, when infact he didn't want to talk. Hate to tell ya this, but chances are he isn't even thinking about this incident. He's probably at home, with his wife and his mind on her, and his family. You need a reality check. Sorry to sound harsh, but seriously relax and focus on YOU and have fun with other friends right now. He isn't worth making any effort on. No, you misunderstand. I couldn't leave a message for him to call me because his voicemail wasn't working so I tried to get his attention to tell him that so that he'd know to call me. After I couldn't talk to him, then I finally had to resort to leaving a message with someone else, which I did not want to do, and delayed doing, for obvious reasons - no one knows about this and I'm trying to keep it that way. I'm sure he's not spending the whole weekend thinking about it, but when it does cross his mind, he's thinking the wrong things about me. He probably thinks I wanted to get in touch with him because I was upset. Not true at all. I was trying to get in touch to make plans. His perceptions of the whole thing are messed up and he didn't bother to give me the courtesy of clarifying it. That's what I was trying to say. And reality is that I want this resolved and my hands are tied. It doesn't matter if this was a family member or a mm or a friend or whatever, I hate misunderstandings like this, misperceptions, and leaving things unresolved - no matter who it's with. Of course, this is harder but this type of situation particularly bothers me no matter who else is involved. I wish I could just turn it off and have a good time. But unfortunately my head doesn't work that way.
Author Crash Posted February 17, 2007 Author Posted February 17, 2007 He probably felt like you were trying hard to track him down, when infact he didn't want to talk. And so what?? is it supposed to be so one-sided that I can't even speak to him if I want to? that I'm to speak when spoken to like I'm some riff-raff and he's royalty? I was trying to speak to him. Big deal!! He comes over and exchanges body fluids with me, I should be allowed to "speak" to him one time over a period of two days. Even though he was at work, I didn't have one conversation with him and hardly saw him in two days!!
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 is it supposed to be so one-sided that I can't even speak to him if I want to But you gotta know being the OW, it's mostly on HIS terms, his time frames, NOT yours. I don't mean to sound harsh... Two days isn't that long. I know it may feel that way, but again, due to the fact you are the OW, it's obvious at times that his actions show you HOW things are going to be. Sorry about the misunderstanding. I didn't realize that you actually couldn't leave a message...
frannie Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 And so what?? is it supposed to be so one-sided that I can't even speak to him if I want to? that I'm to speak when spoken to like I'm some riff-raff and he's royalty? I was trying to speak to him. Big deal!! He comes over and exchanges body fluids with me, I should be allowed to "speak" to him one time over a period of two days. Even though he was at work, I didn't have one conversation with him and hardly saw him in two days!! Exactly. I don't know where some people get their ideas of what it is to be an OW from, but it doesn't sound much like reality to me. Yes, there are jerks all around us, but not all MM are jerks. You don't have to accept a 'speak when you're spoken to' attitude from anyone! Much less someone you're in a relationship with. (and yes, it is a relationship, people, even if it's not one of which you approve or would choose).
Guest Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Crash, I hope I can give you some insight as your mm sounds rather like mine. My mm once asked me to take a day off work and that he would come round in the morning. The night before, I left work early and went home and then called him at his work. He asked where I was and when I told him, he went quiet but said he would see me tomorrow. I think he had expected me to pick him up from work and drive him home, as we live near each other. The next day he never showed up and he never phoned until 5.30. He said he had been busy and had to go into work to finish off a piece of work. He said in view of the time he couldn't stay long! I think he was lying because work was never that big a deal. He was punishing me for not thinking of him and giving him a lift home the night before. It was his way of controlling me. Looking back I wish I hadn't answered the phone and had gone out with friends. If I let him know that I wasn't happy with the A, he either promised to talk to me and listen to me (and then he would go sick on the agreed date we were going to meet) or he would pull away telling me he would phone me "soon". It could be 5 weeks before I heard from him. I think his reasoning is that he showed me who was boss in this one sided relationship, and that I would welcome him back and not rock the boat for a while. My mm actually liked me to pursue him a bit so that he wouldn't have to feel guilty. I think he liked the attention and that he was getting under my skin. But after a while, I have stopped wondering what he is up to and if he will phone because he is a spineless coward who will never make anyone happy. He is paranoid about just about everything and actually talks AT me rather than TO me. These 4 weeks away from him have made me stronger and I am not on the emotional roller coaster. There is a period of calm and I am enjoying it. This morning I actually thought I am not sure if I love him anymore, and the idea of spending a few hours rolling around on my lounge carpet with him doesn't appeal to me. So your mm not calling you is his way of showing you that he can call when he wants and not when you would like him to, and that the entire relationship is on his terms. My mm is a bag of sh-- and if you can get to that stage, then the rest is history. I could sit beside my mm now and not have any desire to do anything other than say "HI". I can treat him like an acquaintance. Your mm's w is always going to be suspicious of him now that he has confessed and so your time will get more and more limited and he will start cancelling dates at the last minute, leaving you feeling like total crap. He probably realises that it is futile and that you won't tolerate it, so he might bail out or leave it a while until the dust settles some more at home, and offer you something you can refuse where he fits you in during a lunch break. He doesn't sound like he is worth any more of your time
stillafool Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 I think people forget that most MM/MW carry a lot of guilt in affairs. Your MM is guilty as h%ll with himself and needs to pull a way from you to get hisself together to face his family. I'll bet there are times when they are having problems and it makes him want to run to you. Also there are times when his marriage is going well and their sex life and this makes him want to pull a way from you and do right by her. I'm sure your MM views you as an escape from his life, but if you complain too much then he no longer has a mistress but another wife. Of course he will usually stay with his wife because he has more invested. The bottom line is this- if he wanted to talk to you, be with you, nothing would keep him from doing that. If he wanted to talk to you he could find 5 minutes out of his (2 days) to contact you. He could go to the store and call you from there. There's no excuse if he wanted to talk to you.
Guest Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 What do you expect? Maybe someone at work is catching on. Maybe his wife suspects. Maybe the guilt is catching up to him. Maybe he's tired of the lies. You contact him only through leaving a message at work? And that was ok with you? You sure sound like a priority in his life. Its very common for MM to go back and forth like a yo yo so prepare yourself because you are getting ready to get thrown under the bus. Then he'll come sniffing around again. You will wanna believe he loves you and it'll start all over again until he's forced to make a choice. You or his family. What do you think he'll choose?
GreenEyedLady Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 I think people forget that most MM/MW carry a lot of guilt in affairs.quote] This may be true of some, but I BET there is a HIGH percentage who just feel entitled to cheat...
EnigmaXOXO Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 He's acted like this before and it did not mean he had changed his mind. He's acted like this before, which is why we have discussed it and made the deal that he would at least return my call and if something was wrong - like he had to end it - he would tell me and not avoid me. And given that he's "acted this way before" … you expected what, exactly? Actually Crash, I don't see any great mystery to be solved regarding this man's behavior, at all. As a matter of fact, I would even go so far as to say he's as predictable and consistent as most people get. Let's face it. He's treats both you and his wife with the same lackadaisical indifference. No playing "favorites" here. He's behaving the same in this relationship as he behaves in the one he already has at home. You know … halfway in, halfway out. And given that from the very beginning, he showed how easy it was for him to step into a new relationship without bothering to end the one he was already in, it's hardly a surprise that he'd stay true to character when doing the same in reverse. For me … just having that little bit of information upfront (married but sniffing around) would have provided more than just a "clue." Nope. No big mystery when it comes to figuring people out, Crash … Not once you finally realize that what you see is usually just what you get. Which is why it is so important (at least to me) to pay careful attention to the way someone treats their partner (or even ex partners) when they're at their worst if you want a real good indication of how they'll eventually treat you.
Guest Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Ive been waiting since yesterday for an update.....did he call? Were you weak or did you tell him to go to H E double hockey sticks?
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