Crash Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 We made a deal that if I left him a message (at work - it's the only place I can leave one) that he would call me back. Everything was going fine I thought. I was staying away from him and he was paying a little more attention to me until the past couple of days. He started having a bad week at work and he had convinced me a couple of weeks ago that his work mood had nothing to do with me. If I saw him look at me crooked I shouldn't worry about it. So I didn't. I thought everything was fine and he was just in a bad mood. I tried to leave him a message to call me about when he was coming over but his mailbox was full. So I tried to get his attention and waited for him but he did not seem to want to be available so I ended up leaving the message with someone. I know he got it and he never called. That was yesterday at around 5:30 and I never heard from him. Today he didn't come to work and he might not be there monday either. I really don't understand what is going on. I thought we had an understanding. I have no way to get in touch and he obviously is avoiding me. I have no idea why. I'm really confused. He promised me he would NOT avoid me for any reason!
outofdarkness Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 We made a deal that if I left him a message (at work - it's the only place I can leave one) that he would call me back. Everything was going fine I thought. I was staying away from him and he was paying a little more attention to me until the past couple of days. He started having a bad week at work and he had convinced me a couple of weeks ago that his work mood had nothing to do with me. If I saw him look at me crooked I shouldn't worry about it. So I didn't. I thought everything was fine and he was just in a bad mood. I tried to leave him a message to call me about when he was coming over but his mailbox was full. So I tried to get his attention and waited for him but he did not seem to want to be available so I ended up leaving the message with someone. I know he got it and he never called. That was yesterday at around 5:30 and I never heard from him. Today he didn't come to work and he might not be there monday either. I really don't understand what is going on. I thought we had an understanding. I have no way to get in touch and he obviously is avoiding me. I have no idea why. I'm really confused. He promised me he would NOT avoid me for any reason! okkk. what is your story? This is sort of a random post..Are u expecting a reply from your MM on this forum?
the_total_package Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 and realized he wasn't messing around anymore with the OW, she wasn't worth it. What did you expect? To be treated like a queen? This is the bargain OWs get when they start messing with a MM, you can have no expectations and you reallly can't be upset when they DO come to their senses and leave you behind to make it work with their wives, after making a HORRIBLE mistake with you. FIND A SINGLE GUY, UNLESS YOU ARE MARRIED YOURSELF. HE'S PROBABLY LOOKING FOR ANOTHER JOB RIGHT NOW TO GET THE HELL AWAY FROM YOU.
Author Crash Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 Of course not. I hope he doesn't know this forum exists. I just don't understand why he could be doing this. I know he's ok, he called other people at work on work related things. He's intentionally not calling me and I don't understand why. He's doing exactly what he said he wouldn't do - leaving me hanging. I'm hurt. I don't know what to do. I thought we had an understanding. I thought things were fine. My story, briefly is that I got involved with this mm at work. I am crazy about him. He seemed to be really into me but then seemed to squash his feelings. Still he has been ok lately - being kind of sweet - for him anyway. He's very moody at work and he's told me several times that it's just work - it's nothing to do with me. Well, I finally believe him but he's obviously ignoring me and avoiding talking to me, after we had a talk and he told me he wouldn't do that. I don't understand what happened!
Author Crash Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 HE'S PROBABLY LOOKING FOR ANOTHER JOB RIGHT NOW TO GET THE HELL AWAY FROM YOU. Wow, what a rotten thing to say - and to someone who's hurt and you know nothing about. You have serious issues.
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 He seemed to be really into me but then seemed to squash his feelings It's because he's married. He knows getting involved with you was wrong, and he changed his mind. It sounds like he's giving you the "I'm busy at work, not in a good mood" line to give you the hint...... This may hurt you, but backoff. don't call him or try to email him. Doing this is to help you see things in a different light.
Author Crash Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 It's because he's married. He knows getting involved with you was wrong, and he changed his mind. It sounds like he's giving you the "I'm busy at work, not in a good mood" line to give you the hint...... This may hurt you, but backoff. don't call him or try to email him. Doing this is to help you see things in a different light. No, I don't think so. He's acted like this before and it did not mean he had changed his mind. He's acted like this before, which is why we have discussed it and made the deal that he would at least return my call and if something was wrong - like he had to end it - he would tell me and not avoid me.
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Ok well then trust him when he says he's in a mood about work stuff and not up for talking. Give him space. Though, with that being said, I think you do have some trust issues with your MM obviously. The guy lies to his wife and is cheating on her - So I guess it's hard to believe all that he tells you, that it's always the truth. Question though - If you are unhappy with how things are going, why don't you take some control back and just enjoy life without him for a little while. Be with friends and family, don't wait and focus on him so much. It only feeds his ego.
Author Crash Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 I was trusting that everything was fine and it was just work. That's why I don't understand why he didn't call me back. It's the first time in two weeks I left him a message to asking him to call me. I think he's mad that I even tried to talk to him, which is completely unfair. I told him last time that I feel like I'm not allowed to speak unless I'm spoken to and it's wrong. Other than one damned phone call, I haven't asked him for anything (and pretty much haven't gotten anything). I just don't understand this treatment at all. I have been good to him and he was doing better earlier in the week. I am so confused. Maybe he's just hot and cold?
Author Crash Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 I also wonder if because he's cheating on his wife and lying to her, he gets some relief from his guilt by treating me like crud. He would deny it, but I wonder.
frannie Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 He's intentionally not calling me and I don't understand why. He's doing exactly what he said he wouldn't do - leaving me hanging. I'm hurt. I don't know what to do. I thought we had an understanding. I thought things were fine... ... he's obviously ignoring me and avoiding talking to me, after we had a talk and he told me he wouldn't do that. I don't understand what happened! Crash, it could be so many things. He could have had a change of heart and not know how to tell you, he could really not care, he could just be a jackass, he could deliberately be doing what he told you he wouldn't do... It's just too hard to say, based on so little information. You (kind of) know him and no-one here does, so it would just be guesswork. All I can say is you'd have to wait til you get chance to talk to him and ask him. Even then, he may not be honest with you. Or make some more promises he doesn't keep. I have to say, though, that whatever it is, it doesn't look good...
Author Crash Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 Crash, it could be so many things. ... I have to say, though, that whatever it is, it doesn't look good... It could be - he's almost manic about this thing which is why I don't know either. I know it doesn't look good. I would rather he just contact me and tell me what the deal is then to be cruel and let me go through 4 or 5 days not knowing.
MoonGirl Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 I agree with WWIU. Chasing this guy around and constantly wondering what he is thinking is a waste of your time. I know you must be in emotional pain right now, but try to look at your situation from the outside. Your MM only allows contact when HE wants it and ignores you the rest of the time, leaving you longing and sad. Why in the world would you put up with that from ANY man?
frannie Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 It's the first time in two weeks I left him a message to asking him to call me. I think he's mad that I even tried to talk to him, which is completely unfair. I told him last time that I feel like I'm not allowed to speak unless I'm spoken to and it's wrong. Other than one damned phone call, I haven't asked him for anything (and pretty much haven't gotten anything). You feel like you're not allowed to speak until you're spoken to... well maybe that is the case. That would explain why he won't call you if you ask him to. Maybe he's some kind of ultra-control 'freak'... does that match up to other behaviour of his..? He wants you when he wants you, and your needs don't matter..?
norajane Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 It's the first time in two weeks I left him a message to asking him to call me. I think he's mad that I even tried to talk to him, which is completely unfair. I told him last time that I feel like I'm not allowed to speak unless I'm spoken to and it's wrong. Other than one damned phone call, I haven't asked him for anything (and pretty much haven't gotten anything). And, so, what are you getting out of this relationship? What's the "good" part that keeps you hanging on when you're treated so poorly? Just suggesting that you consider this relationship is what it is, and it's not making you happy. So what's the point?
Author Crash Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 I agree with WWIU. Chasing this guy around and constantly wondering what he is thinking is a waste of your time. I know you must be in emotional pain right now, but try to look at your situation from the outside. Your MM only allows contact when HE wants it and ignores you the rest of the time, leaving you longing and sad. Why in the world would you put up with that from ANY man? Because I didn't think he'd be like this - it's shaping up to be that way, but I didn't think it would. I love him, but I won't put up with it. I thought we both understood each other less than two weeks ago when we hashed it out.
Author Crash Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 You feel like you're not allowed to speak until you're spoken to... well maybe that is the case. That would explain why he won't call you if you ask him to. Maybe he's some kind of ultra-control 'freak'... does that match up to other behaviour of his..? He wants you when he wants you, and your needs don't matter..? I think that pretty much sums it up - I didn't think he would be like that but he's getting like that more and more. I thought he was getting better in the past week - he WAS getting better. I don't know what happened.
Author Crash Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 And, so, what are you getting out of this relationship? What's the "good" part that keeps you hanging on when you're treated so poorly? Just suggesting that you consider this relationship is what it is, and it's not making you happy. So what's the point? Well, as I said, I thought things were getting better. We went through some growing pains and I thought we came to an understanding. Earlier in the week, he was fine.
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Bottomline though the guy is married and has a wife. Even though he's cheating on her, and that's pretty crappy of him - You are the OW in his life, so don't expect much from him...Don't expect to be put first, above her or his work. Sorry - I know you're in pain, but the actual situation you're in IS causing you pain. You love a man who is married to another woman. No good can come of this long term. I hope someday soon you realize this, break up with him and hopefully someday when you're ready find a single man to love.
norajane Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Well, as I said, I thought things were getting better. We went through some growing pains and I thought we came to an understanding. Earlier in the week, he was fine. How long have you been seeing this guy? Is this the first time he's ignored you like this?
Author Crash Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 Bottomline though the guy is married and has a wife. Even though he's cheating on her, and that's pretty crappy of him - You are the OW in his life, so don't expect much from him...Don't expect to be put first, above her or his work. Sorry - I know you're in pain, but the actual situation you're in IS causing you pain. You love a man who is married to another woman. No good can come of this long term. I hope someday soon you realize this, break up with him and hopefully someday when you're ready find a single man to love. I don't expect to be put first. I only expect to be treated like the "friend" we will always be (according to him). Well, he's not treating me like a friend either. My friends don't treat me this way.
Author Crash Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 How long have you been seeing this guy? Is this the first time he's ignored you like this? It's been a few months - but we started something back in the fall. He panicked and we stopped and then it started up again. Emotionally it's been going on since early summer. It's not the first time he's ignored me like this - no. But it's the first time after I thought we agreed that he would call me if I tried to get a message to him.
norajane Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 I don't expect to be put first. I only expect to be treated like the "friend" we will always be (according to him). Well, he's not treating me like a friend either. My friends don't treat me this way. So why do you accept his crappy behavior? Why don't you stop seeing him and get on with your life? There are plenty of men out there who wouldn't treat you like this. It's been a few months - but we started something back in the fall. He panicked and we stopped and then it started up again. Emotionally it's been going on since early summer. It's not the first time he's ignored me like this - no. But it's the first time after I thought we agreed that he would call me if I tried to get a message to him. If he's done this before, he'll do it again...obviously, as he's doing it now even though he said he wouldn't. If it's only been a few months, how can you really love him? Why not get out now when it's easier? Or do you want to put up with this for years, getting nothing out of a relationship that makes you feel bad?
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Then stop being friends with him. By putting up with his behavior, sticking around and waiting for his moods to pass or when HE feels like giving you a call, you're giving him complete POWER over you, your feelings and your life. Are you having an affair with him? Yes or no? If yes, then he is not "just" a friend. You are his OW, his lover on the side. If you two are not having sex, then it's an emotional affair - Same rules apply for a sexual affair. If you two were "just" friends, then it wouldn't hurt you so much...You wouldn't put up withj this crap from any other friend, so why are you sticking around with him? "My friends don't treat me this way." Then, change it so he doesn't treat you that way. Again, it all comes down to the fact he is a married man. I wish you could see this... Don't listen to his words, watch his actions. His actions are showing you something completely different than what he is telling you. Hope some of this makes sense to you? I know it's hard for you to be objective because you're IN this situation, but take a step back and take the blinders off.... Do you plan on being his OW forever? Do you feel one day he'll leave his wife (and kids if they have any together) for you?
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 It's been a few months - but we started something back in the fall. He panicked and we stopped and then it started up again. Emotionally it's been going on since early summer. Because he knows it's wrong. Sure he may have feelings for you, but he is married! So it's an emotional affair. Ask yourself this. What good stuff are you getting out of this relationship with him? Is he worth it?
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