Jinxx Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Allow me to turn this around on you. Are you sure you were the strong one when you left? Are you sure you weren't running away from a situation that was too much for you to deal with? Now look at you, are you certain you're not lashing out at your past and getting into an OW relationship with a cheater because it's payback time? I left because I was miserable... so absolutely not running away from my problems but wanted my husband to take a good long look at what he was missing out on. It would have been easy to stay and "pretend" that all was well -- hell the financial burden alone was heavily contemplated before I decided to leave. Blended family situation the second time (both of us custodial) -- whole different arena with a whole new set of problems. We're working on the possibility of reconcilling but the longer I'm away the more content I am being on my own. For the record, I am no longer the OW. But having been on both sides of the fence, I pass no judgment on anyone who decides to go down that road. I am here for support as an XOW as well as lending support to those who find themselves in this type of situation. OW/OM hurt too. It is a two-way street. And, no -- not payback time at all. My relationship with MM had nothing to do with my previous marriage when I was a BS. I have a wonderful relationship with my ex-husband, my children's father.... and he is now married to his OW. We grew up together so have a long history of knowing each other. Our children have turned out just fine. Of course, at first I felt every emotion any BS feels but life goes on. It just isn't worth staying in a marriage where you are bitter and angry. You might say the children don't notice but they do. They pick up on everything. Not worth it.
Jinxx Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 If you were one of the betrayed, you should at minimum understand some of what he's experiencing right now. Of course he's bitter. Anyone would be after something like that. Did you not learn anything from your past? Uhhh -- I was a BS -- and it got very ugly at times. Know every emotion any BS goes through.... Of course I understand and I've learned a lot from my past.
Trialbyfire Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Uhhh -- I was a BS -- and it got very ugly at times. Know every emotion any BS goes through.... Of course I understand and I've learned a lot from my past. Do you also recall exactly your emotions when you were raw and bleeding? It's fresh for me right now so I can relate easily to where he's coming from. When emotions are strong, you can't always help yourself, no matter how hard you try and you lash out because you have a focus for your rage. Is it right? No. Is it happening? Yes. Try to relive this period in your life, although time has dulled your pain, and then approach him from this perspective, to help, not to lash back. This is all I ask although it truly isn't my business or place but if I can help someone else a little in the same tough spot I was in, hey, why not.
Jinxx Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Do you also recall exactly your emotions when you were raw and bleeding? It's fresh for me right now so I can relate easily to where he's coming from. When emotions are strong, you can't always help yourself, no matter how hard you try and you lash out because you have a focus for your rage. Is it right? No. Is it happening? Yes. Try to relive this period in your life, although time has dulled your pain, and then approach him from this perspective, to help, not to lash back. This is all I ask although it truly isn't my business or place but if I can help someone else a little in the same tough spot I was in, hey, why not. Let me put to you this way -- I understand. It hurts like hell. I had two young children to think of when I went through it. My world as I knew it was ending. I didn't think I could survive all the hurt and pain I was put through. But.... I did. Again.... It hurts like friggin hell, like you've never been hurt before.... like grieving for the death of your mother or father but now your grieving for the slow death of your marriage. But at some point, you have to put your pride aside and be willing to suck it up and move on, not always an easy thing to do. You can't force someone to love you or stay with you unless they want too. I want to help people too in these situations. As hard as you might find this to believe, it gets better. You might not think so right now but it does get better.
Trialbyfire Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Let me put to you this way -- I understand. It hurts like hell. I had two young children to think of when I went through it. My world as I knew it was ending. I didn't think I could survive all the hurt and pain I was put through. But.... I did. Again.... It hurts like friggin hell, like you've never been hurt before.... like grieving for the death of your mother or father but now your grieving for the slow death of your marriage. But at some point, you have to put your pride aside and be willing to suck it up and move on, not always an easy thing to do. You can't force someone to love you or stay with you unless they want too. I want to help people too in these situations. As hard as you might find this to believe, it gets better. You might not think so right now but it does get better. You were in a very similar situation as SC is. He's got the responsibility of the kids too while she's off galivanting. Thanks. It's already gotten better for me although I still have my moments. One thing is for certain. My ex is a jerk.
frannie Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Do you also recall exactly your emotions when you were raw and bleeding? It's fresh for me right now so I can relate easily to where he's coming from. When emotions are strong, you can't always help yourself, no matter how hard you try and you lash out because you have a focus for your rage. Is it right? No. Is it happening? Yes. Try to relive this period in your life, although time has dulled your pain, and then approach him from this perspective, to help, not to lash back. This is all I ask although it truly isn't my business or place but if I can help someone else a little in the same tough spot I was in, hey, why not. I think that the majority, if not all, OW on this forum have been very understanding of SC, his pain, and his posts and where they come from. And many have actually tried to help him address his issues and problems. That said, I think that it should be remembered that this forum is for discussion and support for OM and OW. IF someone is constantly attacking out of a place of hurt within themselves, then it is asking a lot that people keep putting up with that without commenting. It's often said here: this is an open forum... if you're posting on here, be prepared to hear some things you don't want to hear. No one has attacked SC in anywhere near the way he is constantly attacking those for whom this board is supposed to be a support system.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 This really stuck out for me. I don't think it will do either of you any good if you really think this. I understand your hurt but this is something both of you should be working on. I worked on it before I even knew what was going on by way of being a good husband and father. What do I have to do....cut off my arm now?
Salicious Crumb Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 You were in a very similar situation as SC is. He's got the responsibility of the kids too while she's off galivanting. No she isn't...not anymore. And if she returns to "galivanting", she will be packing her bags and moving in with her mother...WITHOUT my kids. And yes, she knows this because we had this conversation. So Trial...how long has it been for you since D-day?
frannie Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 I worked on it before I even knew what was going on by way of being a good husband and father. What do I have to do....cut off my arm now? Sticking my neck out here, but... Well, either you have or haven't given enough or what's reasonable or what. No one here can know that. Perhaps she's a horribly selfish person who expects everything to be her way or the highway... perhaps you're a controlling person who gives her everything you think she should want and are going to get angry if she doesn't appreciate it. Perhaps it's neither of those things and something else. People are suggesting a counsellor because counsellors can usually see both sides and see what is happening, by speaking to both concerned... don't YOU want to know the 'truth' about your relationship..?
Trialbyfire Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I think that the majority, if not all, OW on this forum have been very understanding of SC, his pain, and his posts and where they come from. And many have actually tried to help him address his issues and problems. That said, I think that it should be remembered that this forum is for discussion and support for OM and OW. IF someone is constantly attacking out of a place of hurt within themselves, then it is asking a lot that people keep putting up with that without commenting. It's often said here: this is an open forum... if you're posting on here, be prepared to hear some things you don't want to hear. No one has attacked SC in anywhere near the way he is constantly attacking those for whom this board is supposed to be a support system. This is the perpetual disagreement. This site is for everyone. All forums are open.
Trialbyfire Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 No she isn't...not anymore. And if she returns to "galivanting", she will be packing her bags and moving in with her mother...WITHOUT my kids. And yes, she knows this because we had this conversation. So Trial...how long has it been for you since D-day? I only found out in the latter part of last year. I'm still in the process of working through everything.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I only found out in the latter part of last year. I'm still in the process of working through everything. Its tough...I know. I don't think either of us can say we will never forgive...it is still too fresh...but even if I forgive, I will never FULLY trust her again and the visions in our heads of what our so-called loving spouses did will never go away.
Audero Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Its tough...I know. I don't think either of us can say we will never forgive...it is still too fresh...but even if I forgive, I will never FULLY trust her again and the visions in our heads of what our so-called loving spouses did will never go away. Question. If you still hold it against her, what kind of marriage do you have now? If she is truly sorry, do you plan to hold this over her head the rest of your married life?
Trialbyfire Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Its tough...I know. I don't think either of us can say we will never forgive...it is still too fresh...but even if I forgive, I will never FULLY trust her again and the visions in our heads of what our so-called loving spouses did will never go away. At least you're trying. With mine, I've given up because I have no more love or understanding left to give someone who doesn't understand what it means. Sure, he had his emotional moments but actions speak louder than words and he did not follow through with many of his promises. If your wife is following through with everything she claimed she would do, with the odd misstep, perhaps in time if she's consistent, she will earn your trust back a little at a time. Try not to internalize her actions. Much of the time, it's not that they want to hurt you, it's that they only see things from their own perspective, wants and needs. It's all part of the vicious narcisstic circle.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Question. If you still hold it against her, what kind of marriage do you have now? If she is truly sorry, do you plan to hold this over her head the rest of your married life? I dunno...its only been 6 months. I'll have to wait and see what kind of committment to being a wife and mother she displays. I give her a year. i can't say I won't divorce her over this....we'll just have to see.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Much of the time, it's not that they want to hurt you, it's that they only see things from their own perspective, wants and needs. It's all part of the vicious narcisstic circle. Well like I said to someone else...nobody meets ALL of anothers needs and nobody is EVERYTHING to their SO. That being the case, we all would be justified in cheating. Like me, I think I could go out and cheat right now and probably be justified in doing it based on what some others are saying here. I mean after all...all of my "needs" aren't being met.
Trialbyfire Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Well like I said to someone else...nobody meets ALL of anothers needs and nobody is EVERYTHING to their SO. That being the case, we all would be justified in cheating. Like me, I think I could go out and cheat right now and probably be justified in doing it based on what some others are saying here. I mean after all...all of my "needs" aren't being met. I think we agree that there's no real justification for betrayal and payback of this type is so unsatisfying when it conflicts with your core principles. Cheating hurts far too many people to make it worth my while. My basic goal in life right now is to find happiness while at the same time adhering to the code of ethics that I've always lived by.
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