Limerent Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 On the subject of relationships and selfishness while in one.... Got some thoughts and dilemmas rattling around in my cerebral and wanted input: Selfishness.....How much is too much? How much of it is just making sure individual needs are met? And how much of it is a psycological barrier that can be taken down once it is tapped into? It has been observed by myself that BF tends to be rather selfish-or is it just me being selfish by thinking he is selfish? Examples: **He sets alarm for 6:40 as he has to be out of the house by 7:10 at the latest for work. I have to be out of the house by 7:30. By the time he is finished in the bathroom, picking and preening, I have approximately 15-20 minutes to get ready and rush out the door. Also, during this time, he infringes on my time for his last minute touch ups by hogging into the bathroom. Time and again I have asked him to please set the alarm earlier and I will rise and be finished by the time he needs the bathroom. He refuses, and refuses to let me use my own alarm on the grounds that it will wake him up too and he needs sleep. **He consistently makes plans WITHOUT telling me, figuring I will just go along for the ride. There is rarely a weekend that is devoted to what I want to do, and if there is, it is usually due to me staying behind. **A couple of months prior, he took a full week off, using his vacation, and didnt bother to tell me about this until I had told him that I didnt want to go to another city so late and it would take us forever to get home, and he had to work in the morning. It was then that he sprang it on me that he took his vacation week, AND he was also having his child down for that week. When asked why he couldnt wait until I had my vacation-(2 more months) so we could take the vacation together, he said that he will just take more time when I get my vacation. **He will leave me "stranded" quite often. Meaning that he will wait until I am in the middle of cooking dinner and then tell me he has to run out to see his cousins basketball game, or pick up parts, or some other such matter, knowing FULL WELL that I cant just leave the half cooked food sitting around for 2 hours, but invites me anyway. **If it is on a weekend that he is working, he expects me to sit in the house working as well, as he reasons that it is not fair that he is working his butt off while I am out galavanting with my friends...actually, I take that back...What friends?!! ...while I am out "galavanting" **I am an avid reader, but when I settle in to read my book at nite, while he is watching TV, he complains because the lite hurts his eyes and he wants it off.. To compensate for this, I brought myself a booklite, to which he complains that it is not good to read with such a poor lite and I will damage my eyes. I end up getting up and reading in the kitchen standing up, which is highly uncomfortable, so I give up. Also, I have taken note that books seem to be his enemy, as he has threatened to burn them if I dont get them out of the house as they take up too much space. I removed them to save the drama, save for 3 or 4, and the space is now devoted to his things. **In our house, we have a couple of bureaus and a closet. I counted yesterday a total of 15 drawers were devoted to his things while a whopping 4 drawers belonged to myself. The closet as well is crammed 3/4 full with his, leaving me a quarter of space. **If you have made it this far, I commend you. Is this truly selfishness on his behalf, or is it my selfishness? Is this just a learned behaviour, and can it ever change, even though I have spoken to him about this time and time and time again??
JackJack Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 IMO, I think we can all be selfish at times. But, when you have on going selfishness ALL the time in just about everything you do/say, then there is a problem and a deeper issue. At that point, one has to decide what it is they are willing and not willing to put up with.
Ripples Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 **He sets alarm for 6:40 as he has to be out of the house by 7:10 at the latest for work. I have to be out of the house by 7:30. By the time he is finished in the bathroom, picking and preening, I have approximately 15-20 minutes to get ready and rush out the door. Also, during this time, he infringes on my time for his last minute touch ups by hogging into the bathroom. Time and again I have asked him to please set the alarm earlier and I will rise and be finished by the time he needs the bathroom. He refuses, and refuses to let me use my own alarm on the grounds that it will wake him up too and he needs sleep. Yeah, that's pretty selfish. Try locking the door while you're in there. **He consistently makes plans WITHOUT telling me, figuring I will just go along for the ride. There is rarely a weekend that is devoted to what I want to do, and if there is, it is usually due to me staying behind. That could be selfish, but I think it's not wholly. Do you ever plan a weekend or do you just wait for him to plan something before saying that you want to do something else? **A couple of months prior, he took a full week off, using his vacation, and didnt bother to tell me about this until I had told him that I didnt want to go to another city so late and it would take us forever to get home, and he had to work in the morning. It was then that he sprang it on me that he took his vacation week, AND he was also having his child down for that week. When asked why he couldnt wait until I had my vacation-(2 more months) so we could take the vacation together, he said that he will just take more time when I get my vacation. So, he'll take more time off when you'll be free. Sounds fair to me. **He will leave me "stranded" quite often. Meaning that he will wait until I am in the middle of cooking dinner and then tell me he has to run out to see his cousins basketball game, or pick up parts, or some other such matter, knowing FULL WELL that I cant just leave the half cooked food sitting around for 2 hours, but invites me anyway. I think that's just a man thing. (Sorry guys) Men seem to not really notice what's going on around them unless it directly affects them. At least he's asking you to go with him. **If it is on a weekend that he is working, he expects me to sit in the house working as well, as he reasons that it is not fair that he is working his butt off while I am out galavanting with my friends...actually, I take that back...What friends?!! ...while I am out "galavanting" Ok, that maybe selfish. Do you feel that you're pulling your weight in the house as well? **I am an avid reader, but when I settle in to read my book at nite, while he is watching TV, he complains because the lite hurts his eyes and he wants it off.. To compensate for this, I brought myself a booklite, to which he complains that it is not good to read with such a poor lite and I will damage my eyes. I end up getting up and reading in the kitchen standing up, which is highly uncomfortable, so I give up. Also, I have taken note that books seem to be his enemy, as he has threatened to burn them if I dont get them out of the house as they take up too much space. I removed them to save the drama, save for 3 or 4, and the space is now devoted to his things. That's selfish. A compromise, sometimes you get to read with the light on - if he's worried about your eyes with the booklight, and sometimes he gets to watch TV without any light on. **In our house, we have a couple of bureaus and a closet. I counted yesterday a total of 15 drawers were devoted to his things while a whopping 4 drawers belonged to myself. The closet as well is crammed 3/4 full with his, leaving me a quarter of space. Have you explained that you'd like more space and ask him to move some of his things and asked in a non-confrontational way? I think speaking to him 'time and time' again is not very healthy. It patently doesn't work to speak to him, certainly in the way you've been doing it and it could be seen as nagging. So, find a new way of tackling the issues. I can't help you there, I'm afraid. I have as much a problem as you do!
Walk Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 There are things you described that wouldn't necessarily be "selfish". Depending on how "selfish" is defined. but... you take the whole of it. The big picture, and what I see is a man that thinks first about himself, then afterward about you. Each person will have a different interpretation of the action, but the real issue is how YOU feel about it. Not anyone else. I lived with a guy just like you described. Stayed with him for 9 years. The little things piled up. When you were talking about the alarm clock.. wow. Brought back memories. It was all little stuff. Stupid little things that taken individually were no big deal. But add them up over time, and it showed a man that was inheriently selfish to the core. He was first in his mind. And I fell somewhere around 5th to him. Didn't matter how many discussions I had about how I felt, or what I'd like to see. I tried reasoning with him. I tried yelling at him. I tried crying, screaming, everyhting. Nothing changed. I left him. I used to think it was me. That I was taking things too personally. But the guy I'm with now... if I even hint I want something, then he busts ass to make sure I have it. He keeps me on level with him. What I want is just as important as what he wants. I'm not less, I'm not shoved aside so that he can take care of himself while I get shafted. The one thing i learned from the experience.. I wish I had slammed my foot down hard as soon as I realized my ex started acting that way. I wish I had stood my ground, never backed down, and been willing to walk right then. I didn't.. and it just rewarded him for his behavior. Taught him that it was acceptable, that I'd throw a fit every so often, but that all he had to do was talk his way out of it and all would go back to normal.
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