Is the best way to win someone back with NC?? i ruined everything on valentines

[Guest]

me and my BF split up on valentines. we had only just got back together NYE and its been near enough perfect since then apart from the odd funny moment here and there.

 

valentines day we went to a DIY store to get some paint for my house and then we were going to a bar to eat straight after. on the way i started to say something about how i was feeling about something and he immediatly put his guard up n switched off and told me to be quiet. i really realyl wanted him to understand me so i kept on (i know i shouldnt have) and then he was getting really agrivated and turned up his stereo and i kept trying to turn it down but he was shoving my hand out of the way. he then said he didnt want to go and eat any more and he wanted to go home (we dont live together) i thought he would change his mind if he had 10mins to calm down so i told him to drop me off in town becuase i was hungry

 

i left it 10 mins then rang him, he handnt calmed down and was shouting n getting angry etc, i was pleadign with him to come back but he was jsut saying i had ruined valentines. i rang him back up n he was jsut telling me to stop ringin and to leave him alone. i was begging him to come back and saying i was sorry for going on at him when he told me to be quiet.

anyway i went in the bar alone and drank two pints of strong beer pretty quick.

 

he came to pick me up and take me home (my daughter was in the back) and i thought that when he saw me he wouldnt want to go home after all but he was really cold still and was speaking to me as if he had no feeling. i think the mixture of the beer and the desperation i felt about him going and possibly finishing it turned me hysterical i was crying and begging him not 2 go but he was realyl angry and didnt want to be near me.

 

we got to my place and he jsut kept saying he was leaving but i was hysterical and started kicking things around and beggin him not to leave me on my own again (he always goes off when we argue and i cant contact him for a while and its so painful). then he kept trying to walk out of the door and i was standing in the way of it so he couldnt get past and i was hysterical like a child begging him not to go and grabbing onto him. he eventually got out and got in his car.. i stood in front of it so he wouldnt be able to drive off but he reversed into a tree. then he marched out the car and marched me to my door and i fell over on the door step n he left me there n drove off.

 

now he doesnt want anything to do with me, he said im a psyco for trying to stop him from going and his car is going to cost £400-£500 to fix (it was a new car aswell). he said he went straight to his mum after he left me and she told him never to see me again and its only scummy guys who would put up with **** like that.

he told me yesterday that i have to get out of his life because he deserves better and he doesnt want any contact with me. we spoke on the phone for short while and i was pleading with him not to end it but he is realyl adamant.

 

i understand he is very angry about what happend and i know i acted so stupidly and i know i shouldnt have started crying the way i did in front of my daughter but i just didnt want him to go and leave me n i felt i was out of control, i went about it the total wrong way and i have learned my lesson and i will never do it again. i didnt set out to hurt him or my daughter but i hurt both of them and i feel ashamed at myself...but he just doesnt want to know at all.

 

the night before valentines he was saying to me "i loev you so much, your my woman and i never want to be without you, i fancy the pants off you, your gorgeous" etc etc

and yesterday he said he doesnt love me at all... love is at the opposite end of the scale to what he feels.

surely someone cant jsut switch off thier feelings like that becuase he did say the split has torn his heart in two so i cant understand how he can me heartbroken if he doesnt love me.

 

i want him back so bad, i am sorry for what i did and i have learned that next time he tell me he doesnt want to talk and to be quiet, i will be.

last time we spoke was yesteday at 5pm, its now 10am. do you think i shouldnt contact him at all??

he knows i still want him and i have told him that im there if he changes his mind.

do you think NC is the best thing now?? i will do anything to have my bebe back.

advice please

[the_total_package]

he likes to treat you like crap and walk all over you and disrespect you and he knows that you still want him and are still there waiting for when he wants to come back (probably about the time he's starting to get horny.)

PLEASE do the NC thing, for yourself and for your daughter. Don't try to get this guy back. He is turning you to go drinking 2 pitchers of beer and your daughter is at home? I was raised by a divorced mom, I am so glad my mom didn't behave like that.

Please consider how your actions affect your daughter. Believe me, the moments of you yelling and crying and begging and pleading with this guy, and seeing her mom being picked up from a bar after 2 pitchers of beer...these images will stay with her, probably forever.

This man is not worth it, and he doesn't love you. He is not demonstrating he does. And you are acting very desperate and not thinking of the most important person in your life, your daughter.

PLEASE do NOT take this man back, ever. You think you will be unhappy forever right now, you'll get over it. He is destructive to your life and self-esteem, he is not your 'baby.' GET COUNSELING AND HAVE THE STRENGTH TO LEAVE THIS MAN FOR GOOD. You are lucky in that you have a beautiful daughter in your life to remind you who is really important and valuable.

[wanthim4eva]

hello. this is Me who wrote the original message.. i have opened up my own account as being guest takes to long.

 

so do u really beleive he treats me bad??? i was sure this argument was all my fault... i mean i did act a bit psyco kicking things around the way i did n hysterically crying n beggin him not 2 go n hanging onto him. and standing in front of the car.

 

he said if i hadnt done all of that n i had just let him go home then we'd still be together. i wish i hda just shut up when he first told me 2

 

also his mum sais that i have a screw loose n stuff liek that so i really thought it was all my fault.

 

i love him so much n i want him back more then anything.. it kills to hear something like this even though it may be tru

[norajane]

How old are you two? Because this is one of the most childish things I've read on LS in, well, at least a couple days.

 

Both of you over-reacted, and both of you seem to have no idea how to handle conflict.

 

on the way i started to say something about how i was feeling about something and he immediatly put his guard up n switched off and told me to be quiet. i really realyl wanted him to understand me so i kept on (i know i shouldnt have) and then he was getting really agrivated and turned up his stereo and i kept trying to turn it down but he was shoving my hand out of the way.

 

THIS is ridiculous. Him doing that **** with the radio is the equivalent of a 3 year old sticking his fingers in his ears and yelling "la la la la la" at the top of his lungs just so he doesn't hear what mommy is saying to him.

 

You have every right to talk to him about what you are feeling, and if he does that kind of stuff, then YES, let him go home and sulk! Don't call him, don't plead with him, don't beg him...let him stew in his own juices until HE calls you and APOLOGIZES for acting like a spoiled brat!

 

At this point, let it go. He is an ass, and the two of you have no concept of how to have a grown-up relationship, or how to handle a disagreement. Things should not have escalated the way they did.

 

Do nothing. If he always runs away from arguements and you always plead to get him back, what's the point? Nothing gets settled that way. Just do nothing. IF he comes back, wait until he apologizes and starts kissing your ass. Do not contact him. Do not call, do not text, do not email.

[wanthim4eva]

lol its funny becuase everyone has said to not to go n try n win him back.. exept for my mum becuase she has seen all he has done for me over the past 2 years. he has done so much 4 me and taken me and my daughter out to so many places and helped me out with bills and food etc... so i guess she can c the good in him that other ppl cant.

i was thinkin about leaving it a week n then gettin gsomething nice deleivered to his work to try n make peace n win him back

so do u not think i should be sorry for this at all then.. i truly beleived it was all my fault and so does he and i guess his mum does coz he went straight to her crying with a ripped t-shirt where i was trying to stop him from going. i was gonna sell something of mine to pay half of the damage to his car £400-£500. some friends say i should and others say i shouldnt (though it was my fault for standing in front of his car) do u think i should??

[norajane]

Of course his mother is going to take his side - she taught him to act the way he does, didn't she? He's probably treated her exactly the way he treats you, and she's always accepted her darling boy's bratty behavior.

 

No, I don't think you should pay for the car at all. He has auto insurance, doesn't he? Let them pay for it. HE was behind the wheel, and regardless of whether you were standing in front of him, he shouldn't have reversed into a tree. People should never get behind the wheel of a car when they're mad. Think of it this way, had he been so mad that he mistook forward for reverse, you'd be in a hospital right now.

 

And no, you shouldn't send him anything nice at work. He may be nice to you in other ways, but he has serious problems controlling his anger. Beggin him to come back to you is just going to justify his behavior in his own mind. Next time, who knows? He might end up running you over.

[wanthim4eva]

do u think the arguemnt was partly my fault??? why does he truly beleive that i am a total psyco n it was all my fault????? i know he isnt just saying it as an excuse ... he truly beleives that it was all my fault n i ruind everything

 

how can he go from the nite b4 and the morning b4 saying all those lovly things n holdin me so close n cuddlin me n kissing me to flipping like that n after everything that happend telling me he feels the furthest on the scale away from love coz of what i did n to get out his life???

[norajane]

What do you think is your fault? Bringing up whatever issue you brought up in the first place? Leaving him alone for a while to cool off - even though he didn't cool off and was even angrier? Crying? Pleading with him to stay and talk to you instead of running away? Standing in front of his car?

 

Yes, you could have remained calmer and just let him walk out of your house. But, so what? He could have prevented this whole thing from happening by listening to you in the first place instead of getting mad at you for speaking up about something that was on your mind. What was it you wanted to talk to him about, anyway? What set him off like that?

 

Look, he's not taking ANY responsibility for his behavior. Like, I said, he could have accidentally run you over with his car.

[Topper]

What was it that you said in the car that pissed this guy off so much? I'm blaming you but what was it that set all this in motion?

Sounds to me like the two of have one of those poisonous relationships. It's not healthy for you or him or for your daughter to see.

[wanthim4eva]

What was it that you said in the car that pissed this guy off so much? I'm blaming you but what was it that set all this in motion?

Sounds to me like the two of have one of those poisonous relationships. It's not healthy for you or him or for your daughter to see.

 

basically it all started becuase we dissagree about the amount of contact we have during the week (we only c each other at weekends)

i like to have contact every day and to text each other a few times and he sais that he likes to go a while without contact coz it makes him miss me more an when we evetualyl c each other its so much nicer.

a couple of weeks ago he didnt have any calling credit so i knew i wouldnt be hearing from him .. so i rang him up n we talked n at the end of the convo i asked him if he'd be getting some credit... so he said no so i asked why and he said it wasnt toip of his 2 do list. so then i asked if it meant keeping some contact with me over the next coupld of days then wouldnt it be top of his 2 do list which really p****d him off.

so i mentiond that in his car which started to irritate him n then he said "we will havta agree that we are different on this one .. u like alto of contact and i dont need as much as you" so then i tried to explain why i like more contact n it was then that he didnt want to know n started to get stroppy n turn the stereo up

[wanthim4eva]

What do you think is your fault? Bringing up whatever issue you brought up in the first place? Leaving him alone for a while to cool off - even though he didn't cool off and was even angrier? Crying? Pleading with him to stay and talk to you instead of running away? Standing in front of his car?

 

Yes, you could have remained calmer and just let him walk out of your house. But, so what? He could have prevented this whole thing from happening by listening to you in the first place instead of getting mad at you for speaking up about something that was on your mind. What was it you wanted to talk to him about, anyway? What set him off like that?

 

Look, he's not taking ANY responsibility for his behavior. Like, I said, he could have accidentally run you over with his car.

 

my fault for not shutting up when he told me 2, my fault for going totaly hysterical in front of my daughter, my fault for not letting him go when he wanted, my fault for standing in front of his car

[the_total_package]

you have a daughter who loves you. This guy is a jerk, it doesn't matter, I wish you'd stop putting so much energy into thinking how to get this guy back. He might not ever want to come back, and I wouldn't want a guy that treated me like he did, that is awful.

I am jealous because when I have ended a relationship I don't have a child to make me happy, at least you have something really meaningful in your life, this should help you get over this loser, put your focus and love into this child, not on getting him back.

Is the arguing really making you happy? I don't think you're happy with him deep down, being in a relationship with a guy should make you happy, not sad.

[Topper]

You were engaged right? There is more going on here then just taht fight I think you know that. There are a lot more issues here then your telling. I think you to might love each other but your toxic to each other.

[wanthim4eva]

well he gets very very easily irritated and can be quite snappy at times .. i think its coz he smokes weed and he gets snappy when he isnt stoned.

i have been out with 2 other guys who smoked it and i noticed that they were snappier when they were smoking it more regular.

he rekons that it has nothing to do with the weed and its me who agrivates him so much.

but he was trying to give up the weed and on valentines day he hadnt smoked it for 4 days... i think this was a major contributer to the row but he still sais the weed has nothing 2 do with it

[the_total_package]

Please, why do you want this guy in your LIFE? You can do better than that.

[wanthim4eva]

when he aint snapping he is lovely, he has done so much for me and my daughter and helpd us so much. he is the only guy ive been with who will massage me for hours if i ask him and wont even complain, the sex was amazing.. i have never had that b4... it was like we had a special connection and chemistry.. it never ever got boring and every other relationship i have had the sex got boring after a while.

my daughter adores him n he is so lovely 2 her, sometimes he can be the nicest most understanding person in the world, we had the same views on nearly everything n lovd doing the same things, we have all these special sayings n words

 

i jus dont wanna lose all of that though i hate the times he's snappy

 

but the last few weeks since NYE it has been really realyl good... this is the first big row we have had in ages

 

this is why i will find it very hard to let him go

[wanthim4eva]

i feel like im dying inside.

its 10am saturday morning and he usually comes over on a saturday and stays till sunday evening. i am so heartbroken, im constantly choking back the tears, im finding ut very very hard and im feeling very lonely

i miss him so much, i dont know how im gonna get through today. its getting more and mroe tempting by the minute to ring him

[Mary3]

I'm going to give you my 2 cents worth :

 

Your bf ( x now ) while not that mature in dealing with you found you to be irritating to the point that he told you so . You kept it up and he got angry. You continued and he did not want to be in the same room with you.

 

You panicked as he pulled back and you increased the Drama.

 

Best advice : Men do NOT want to view an emotional mess and thats his best indicator that its time to LEAVE.

 

Next best advice : Start reading on here LS and learn a few things.

 

Will he come back ? I don't think so. Do NOT continue texting , messaging, calling . He is already gone.

 

Put this down as a learning experience.

 

Get hold of your emotions better. Practice keeping control. You will run most men off after awhile ..if you continue to do this.

 

I understand that you love him. You were desperately trying to keep him there. This drove him away.

 

He gets no awards for being kind or sympathetic. He gets the Jerko award for not trying to work this out better. He is likely fed up though....

 

Chin up ! You have got some healing to do.

 

He might come back but likely for sex only.

 

Don't disrespect your body just to be near him.

[wanthim4eva]

is it really possible that that one arguement can drive him away forever.

i know it was a big arguement and the worst one we have ever had but as i said... it was so much better then it had ever been since NYE and the night b4 the row and the morning of the row he was all over me telling me he lovs me so much n wants me 4eva.

also b4 valentines he had been saying that he feels stronger for me then he ever has and its growing all the time and in time it could be perfect once he has given up the weed

in his valentines card it said "u r the most gorgeous n sexy woman alive and i wanna stand by you 4eva, i love you"

 

so surely that argument cant have made all of his feelings go just so easy... i know i acted like a psyco and his car has £400 worth of damage to it coz i jsut wouldnt let him go and i was so silly to be hysterical like that in front of my daughter (another reason why he sais he cant be with me coz it prvoes im a nutcase to do that in front of daughter).

 

but given the way he was b4 the arguement.. surely that if he did come back it wudnt be just for sex and it would be coz he genuinly msises me. also he must be thinkin of me,.. this is the longest we have ever gone without contact.. normally im on his case by now askin him to text me or come over etc etc. i have never ever been able to keep it up this long b4 so im guessing he must be beggining to wonder what im up 2

[Violet_Sky]

PLEASE don't focus on what you did wrong, the mistakes you made. It sounds like he is emotionally abusive, I mean especially with the radio thing. You were trying to have a meaningful talk with him and he shut you out.

Also I know this is not what you wanted to focus on but this guy does marijuana ALL THE TIME from what you said. I could understand a toke or two every once in a while but you said he is not a nice person when he is not smoking MJ. That is not a good example for your little girl! YOu can get along without him. I was raised by a single divorced parent from the time I was 5 and I felt so loved growing up because she put us kids first. She did have boyfriends and such, and yes, went through heartache, but she moved on for the sake of her kids because they were her life and what was really important to her. She broke up with a guy she was engaged to, because he was fired for 1. clocking in someone else at work when they weren't there as a favor to them and 2. having marijuana at work.....she wasn't about to marry someone who was dishonest and took drugs to work. Also he had told her he had quit MJ altogether and there, he goes and gets fired for having it at work. She was a schoolteacher, so...well....she wasn't going to marry this guy, he was GONE.

 

So..right now you are hurting, but please focus on moving ON, not getting him back. Honestly, if you EVER take him back, you are doing the worst disservice to your daughter and I question your ability as a mother.

[Mary3]

Actually the original OP * should * focus on controlling her outbursts and emotions for herself , her future and her child.

 

This x bf is no piece of cake but means alot to her.

 

No-one can live her life. We can't know how badly she feels at this moment. We can relate to being devastated when something special ends . But she has to work with this to better her life in whatever way it takes.

 

Telling her to stop feeling anything for this man is not the answer either. She should slowly wean herself away from him. Not being available . Getting outside interests. Realizing he does not deal with her in a mature manner. Knowing he has a weed problem . Not contacting him and trying to move on but the feelings she has are pretty strong. Only time and distance can make those feelings less.

 

I won't recommend she * try and get him back * . He has also shown he does not want to deal with all it takes to have a meaningful relationship. It sounds like he wants to stop trying and just get out of the relationship.

 

If she does not have 100% from him, she has nothing but heartache ahead.

[wanthim4eva]

i made it through today without going crackers or ringing him.

there was a few times i nearly rung him.. i been so upset all day long. found it so hard not 2 cry in front of my daughter... especailly when we were out in town and sat on a bench n she said "is sam coming to pick us up". you dont know how much i was choking back the tears.

and on the way home we walked through the park and i looked at a place that me and him had sat down in the sun together and my heart felt like it was gonna explode

half of me desperatly wants him back n to have him hold me close n tell me that we'l be arite n the other half is so mad at him 4 jus finishing it like that n listening to his mum .. especially after writing in the valentines card that he would stand by me 4eva n i kinda kno that what u r saying is right n i shouldnt persue him. i have nearly written him a letter a few times to say i want him back so much n 2 reconsider me.

 

i have hardly eaten.. i jus feel to sick. when does all of this get easier .. how many weeks of sleep problems and not being able to eat will i have???

i know that he is out now having a great time with mates n im stuck in alone 2nite feelin so lonely n thinkin that if i had jsut shut my mouth then he wud be here now holdin me.

i cant handle this, i have nevre ever had my heart broken b4 .. its the first time.

[Mary3]

The healing time depends on how many months or years you were together.

 

Advice : Don't listen to your favorite songs ,walk by your favorite park or do ANYTHING that reminds him of you. Its just torture. Put away his pictures. Change anything and everything like your IM and such .

 

Focus on your mistake of losing control . How to practice NOT doing that to any other man.

 

Look at your computer as a great tool for research. Find out things you can join. Things you can do...Think of your daughter. She needs you right now. Focus your life on her.

[Island Girl]

You were insecure in the relationship. He didn't like that.

 

You have only been back together for a little over a month and things are already this bad.

 

Word of warning - some guys really do tell you when they don't want to talk about something because they know it'll be kind of a dramatic conversation and they don't want it to go there just then.

 

There's a time and a place, ya know? That wasn't the time - and it sounds like it was something about how you need more contact or something along those lines which seems to be a sore spot with him and you MUST know that.

 

It sounds like he was sick of reassuring you all the time. Like if you had just relaxed and taken things day by day again it may have gone better.

 

He was childish turning up the radio, etc. But you were too for keeping it going and then escalating it.

 

All of this was in front of your daughter - OMG!! -- You do realize she is learning what to expect from relationships and what a relationship looks like from watching you and how you act RIGHT NOW. Through all of this. Like a little sponge she is soaking it all up. That's sad.

 

As great as you say this guy is it seems you wanted more than he was willing to give -- and were needier than he could handle.

 

You should really be working on your self esteem right now. If he does come back it is not going to be any different unless you really work on yourself.

 

The guy was going to leave? So what he gets in his car and leaves. That'd be better than what happened after.

 

Acting so obsessed with him - so desperate for him and the relationship is obviously not appealing to him AT ALL. Yet you keep going on that same track.

 

It won't suddenly become his favorite thing. So really, start working on yourself, you have a wonderful little girl who thinks you are the sun the moon and the stars. Start making her the priority instead of him or this relationship.

 

Get some perspective on your actions and start thinking about what you want your daughter to be when she grows up. Then act like you'd like to see her acting at your age.

 

I don't know that he'll come back - he may - but it is doomed forever unless some very real changes happen with how you think of yourself and what you want out of a relationship.

 

I wish you luck. I know you are so close to this thing that you are feeling miserable but you need to put on an act for your daughter (and for yourself) that you are strong and will not act out of desperation anymore.

[Mary3]

You were insecure in the relationship. He didn't like that.

 

You have only been back together for a little over a month and things are already this bad.

 

Word of warning - some guys really do tell you when they don't want to talk about something because they know it'll be kind of a dramatic conversation and they don't want it to go there just then.

 

There's a time and a place, ya know? That wasn't the time - and it sounds like it was something about how you need more contact or something along those lines which seems to be a sore spot with him and you MUST know that.

 

It sounds like he was sick of reassuring you all the time. Like if you had just relaxed and taken things day by day again it may have gone better.

 

He was childish turning up the radio, etc. But you were too for keeping it going and then escalating it.

 

All of this was in front of your daughter - OMG!! -- You do realize she is learning what to expect from relationships and what a relationship looks like from watching you and how you act RIGHT NOW. Through all of this. Like a little sponge she is soaking it all up. That's sad.

 

As great as you say this guy is it seems you wanted more than he was willing to give -- and were needier than he could handle.

 

You should really be working on your self esteem right now. If he does come back it is not going to be any different unless you really work on yourself.

 

The guy was going to leave? So what he gets in his car and leaves. That'd be better than what happened after.

 

Acting so obsessed with him - so desperate for him and the relationship is obviously not appealing to him AT ALL. Yet you keep going on that same track.

 

It won't suddenly become his favorite thing. So really, start working on yourself, you have a wonderful little girl who thinks you are the sun the moon and the stars. Start making her the priority instead of him or this relationship.

 

Get some perspective on your actions and start thinking about what you want your daughter to be when she grows up. Then act like you'd like to see her acting at your age.

 

I don't know that he'll come back - he may - but it is doomed forever unless some very real changes happen with how you think of yourself and what you want out of a relationship.

 

I wish you luck. I know you are so close to this thing that you are feeling miserable but you need to put on an act for your daughter (and for yourself) that you are strong and will not act out of desperation anymore.

 

V-v-v-ery beautifully Spoken !