the_total_package Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 I just read this ebook which was very insightful as to men's behavior. it stated that it is absolutely true, do NOT sleep with a guy very early in the relationship or there will be problems, being that he will back off and it will be difficult to get him to commit because of how they are 'wired.' The book went into great detail about why this is true. So do you find this is true? Because I generally feel that I wait at least 2 months for intimacy, if I do that then there is a relationship started and it's past the time the guys going to freak out and not call. This guy who wrote this ebook said for a solid, real relationship, wait until he has said "I love you" and committed to a relationship.
Road Rage Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 That guy is basically right in my opinion. But, you will have women saying they slept with him on the first date and the relationship is great blah, blah, blah. I really, really, really beilieve women should heed his advice for their own good.
clueless24 Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 i would agree. i would wait until he's ready to commit to a serious relationship. may it be 2 months, 2 weeks, i dont know how long into the relationship is the right time; but i do know that i have to be in love with the guy before i would sleep with him. it would be nice for the guy to say "i love you" before you sleep with him, but usually you can tell if he loves you by his actions and teh way that he cares for you. a guy can can say i love you just to get you into bed, so dont just take his words, trust your instincts. And usually, he wispers it into your ears during and afterwards . i recommend not sleeping with the guy on the first date, it's too early to say what he's after. if you have known the guy long before you started dating him to be sure that he's really serious about you, then it's your call:rolleyes:.
che_jesse Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Meh... I dont think it matters if its really meant to be, my guy and I went from friends to **** buddies to boyfriend/girlfriend to husband and wife. Every time something happened that would normaly distory the relationship, no matter which of the above phases we were in, we came out together and closer then before. I'm convinced you can meet to love of your life at an orgy in a bath house, it really does not matter if there is a real connection. Now just casual "dateing"... yeah I guess you shouldnt put out early.
lonelybird Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Wait at least for one year:D , two years would be best
Pretty Fly Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 This guy who wrote this ebook said for a solid, real relationship, wait until he has said "I love you" and committed to a relationship. I've read in a similar style ebook for guys that to be sure that a girl won't cheat on you, don't be the first to say "I love you"!
oh_what_am_I_doing Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 I waited until our seventh date (lucky number seven!) to have sex, and he said that he wanted to be exclusive during our fourth date. I thought that was a pretty good timeline. I would never sleep with someone on the first date, but I wouldn't wait a year or two like lonelybird suggests either. Just do what feels right. I wouldn't sleep with a guy if I felt uncomfortable or nervous.... when the time is right, you'll know.
oh_what_am_I_doing Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 I've read in a similar style ebook for guys that to be sure that a girl won't cheat on you, don't be the first to say "I love you"! Really? What was the book's rationale? I've always waited for the guy to say I love you first. I was with my ex for a year and a half and he never said it, not even once, so I never said it either. We eventually broke up so oh well!
Pretty Fly Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Because otherwise you come across as too available and not a challenge and all that kind of stuff. I think it was something along the lines of (I'm paraphrasing here, so don't pick me up on my semantics), you're unlikely to be perfect, so if she likes you, she accepts the imperfections. If you say you love her first, then she knows she "has" you and hence will think that if she can have you so easy with your imperfections, perhaps there's someone better out there with less imperfections and that she can trade up. Not saying I agree or disagree with it. From reading this site it seems that everybody has a different opinion on how to handle dating and relationships and there isn't "The One Super Method".
oh_what_am_I_doing Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Pretty fly, I hope no guy I'm in a serious relationship abides by that book of yours, because if so, we will never say I love you! I've always heard that you should wait for the guy to say it because guys take longer than girls to feel it and be comfortable with it. If you say it too soon, you'll scare the guy off. If you wait for the guy to say it, then obviously he's already there at that stage in his feelings. My ex said that he thinks you should be ready to marry the person before saying I love you. I think that's a load of crap. Especially since I asked him if that meant he's never told anyone that he's loved them, (since he had never been ready to marry any else) and he refused to answer me. What a load of BS. I wish we had just ended the relationship before it even began, that would have saved me alot of angst.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 I agree, no sex until a R is established. I'm not so sure about the committed part though, I don't know that I would commit to a guy I hadn't had sex with, I mean, wouldn't ya want to know if you clicked that way?
Topper Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 I keep telling you step away from the book. Waiting or not waiting won't guarantee a thing. Well I will say that he should at least buy you dinner before you drop your knicker. Wait at least 1 hour or more after dinner. Other wise you might get cramps and drown or is that swimming?
tanbark813 Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 I understand the rationale behind holding off but I personally don't hold it against a girl. If I'm willing to sleep with her on the first date, it's hypocritical to then turn around and fault her for doing the same. I've never been in the situation but if a girl was holding off for more than a couple of months then I would just assume she wasn't that interested.
StayClose Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 I don't think there should be a hard & fast rule. If two people are a good match, they will be good together regardless of whether they have sex on the first date, or wait a month. Having sex on the first date is more risky because one person may start getting too attached two quickly and the other person backs off (sometimees it's the guy who wants "instant relationship and the woman backs off). But two months? In my dating experience, if sex didn't happen by the end of the third date, it never happened because it means one person just wasn't that into the other.
Star Gazer Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 I understand the rationale behind holding off but I personally don't hold it against a girl. If I'm willing to sleep with her on the first date, it's hypocritical to then turn around and fault her for doing the same. I've never been in the situation but if a girl was holding off for more than a couple of months then I would just assume she wasn't that interested. I don't think the point of holding off on sex is to avoid "fault," but to gain a level of intimacy and commitment that will be more likely to keep the guy around after sex... I've read similar things to what the OP's book suggests. The theory goes that guys (at least the GOOD guys that we want to keep around) want an emotional and mental connection just as much as women do. They want the passionate emotions plus the sex...that's what's "magic" for them. For women, we're able to feel that "magic" and bond as soon as we sleep with a guy because of the way we're wired...the oxytocin and all of that crap. Women are generally built so that sex and SOME level of emotion and connection/bond are inextricably linked. So, if they guy has sex with a girl before he's really had the chance (i.e., put in the time) to get to know a girl and develop an emotional and mental connection, there isn't any "magic" or bond or connection...it's literally JUST SEX. And once they get the sex and don't feel that bond and connection on the emotional and mental, they bail and disappear because they figure "what's the point in sticking around when that 'magic' might be out there somewhere"? I totally believe this to be true.
tanbark813 Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 And once they get the sex and don't feel that bond and connection on the emotional and mental, they bail and disappear because they figure "what's the point in sticking around when that 'magic' might be out there somewhere"? I disagree with this 100%. I've slept with most girls I've been with on the first or second date. Some I feel potential for more with and some I just want to bang, but it has nothing to do with the timeframe. I agree that having that "magic bond" is good but, personally, whether or not I consider a girl relationship-material is based very little on when we sleep together. It has much more to do with intelligence, overall personality, character, etc. If she wants a piece of the Tanbark right up front, I can hardly blame the poor girl.
Author the_total_package Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 I'm trying out this theory because it seems to make sense.
Star Gazer Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 I disagree with this 100%. I've slept with most girls I've been with on the first or second date. Some I feel potential for more with and some I just want to bang, but it has nothing to do with the timeframe. I agree that having that "magic bond" is good but, personally, whether or not I consider a girl relationship-material is based very little on when we sleep together. It has much more to do with intelligence, overall personality, character, etc. If she wants a piece of the Tanbark right up front, I can hardly blame the poor girl. Again, you're missing my point. This isn't about fault or whether she's a good girl, relationship material, etc. It's about the odds of a guy sticking around after he gets the booty quickly. On average, how long do your relationships last with the girls you slept with on the first or second date? Obviously there ARE people out there who are in happy relationships years after having slept with their SO early on, but I believe they are the exception to the rule. If you were to compare all relationships ever, I believe that the gross majority of those relationships that LAST for the long haul are those where there was time spent getting to know one another before hopping into bed. From my own personal experience, the long-term relationships I have had have been just this way, and the guys that disappeared were the ones that I slept with early on. Whenever dating someone new or entering into a new relationship, the honest truth is that it is more likely to fail than to succeed. That's not being pessimistic, but realistic. As such, it makes more sense for a woman who is looking for a relationship to hold off on having sex with a guy until there's a connection there on both sides because he is more likely to stick around if there is a connection first than if there isn't. Connection = motivation to stick around. No connection = no reason to stay.
tanbark813 Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Again, you're missing my point. It's about the odds of a guy sticking around after he gets the booty quickly. No, you're missing my point. I get the rationale behind the girl holding off. What I'm saying is that this: It's about the odds of a guy sticking around after he gets the booty quickly. ...is not true for me. The odds of me sticking around are based on how I view the other stuff I listed (intelligence, character, etc). If she doesn't have that, I'm not sticking around long regardless of whether or not we bone. And if she does have that, then sleeping with me is not going to suddenly change my perspective of those qualities. On average, how long do your relationships last with the girls you slept with on the first or second date? Anywhere from 5 months to 2 years. When it ends generally depends on when they cheat on me. Edit: Actually this last one only lasted a month but that was mainly due to emotional instability brought about by the whole rape thing.
Star Gazer Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 No, you're missing my point. I get the rationale behind the girl holding off. What I'm saying is that this: ...is not true for me. The odds of me sticking around are based on how I view the other stuff I listed (intelligence, character, etc). If she doesn't have that, I'm not sticking around long regardless of whether or not we bone. And if she does have that, then sleeping with me is not going to suddenly change my perspective of those qualities. Anywhere from 5 months to 2 years. When it ends generally depends on when they cheat on me. Edit: Actually this last one only lasted a month but that was mainly due to emotional instability brought about by the whole rape thing. Well then, I think you're one of the exceptions to the rule. I'm telling you that MOST GUYS don't stick around if you sleep with them right away. Unfortunately, recently my girlfriends and I have been experiencing this - we have made the mistake of having sex with a guy quickly and then never hearing from them again. When we compare those experiences to our previous relationships where there was time spent getting to know each other first before having sex and they DID stick around, it seems that IN MY EXPERIENCE (as well as literally every single girl I know) the way to go is simply to wait.
tanbark813 Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 I'm telling you that MOST GUYS don't stick around if you sleep with them right away. I'm not most guys, baby. And yeah, that was basically my point that not all guys think like that.
Star Gazer Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 I'm not most guys, baby. And yeah, that was basically my point that not all guys think like that. I know you're not... And I thought I made it clear that I was speaking generally, that there are exceptions to the rule... I'm just not going to take the chance that the next guy I meet is the 1 out of 1,000 who's like you.
tanbark813 Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 I know you're not... And I thought I made it clear that I was speaking generally, that there are exceptions to the rule... I'm just not going to take the chance that the next guy I meet is the 1 out of 1,000 who's like you. Fair enough.
Virginia Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 I will be one of those girls who will say I slept with my partner in the first week and we are still blissfully happy If a guy is really into you,not just for sex,but he wants a steady relationship,it doesn't matter when you have sex. Before I met my current SO I would read stuff like that and agree,but my new conclusion is if a man is really into you it won't matter. wait until he has said "I love you" and committed to a relationship. SOME men know that is what the majority of women want and if they want sex that badly they will say I love you to get you into bed. Not all men for sure,but the arseholes can say I love you to get a quick lay without meaning it.
Pretty Fly Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Well then, I think you're one of the exceptions to the rule. I'm telling you that MOST GUYS don't stick around if you sleep with them right away. Unfortunately, recently my girlfriends and I have been experiencing this - we have made the mistake of having sex with a guy quickly and then never hearing from them again. When we compare those experiences to our previous relationships where there was time spent getting to know each other first before having sex and they DID stick around, it seems that IN MY EXPERIENCE (as well as literally every single girl I know) the way to go is simply to wait. I think you're connecting 2 things that are unrelated here. If a guy is really into a girl, it doesn't matter when you have sex, he will stick around. If the guy is only sort of interested, and you don't have sex, it will fizzle out as he wasn't that interested. If the guy is only sort of interested and you do have sex, it will still fizzle out as the having sex doesn't automatically create the emotional bond, it was just sex. He's still only sort of interested and it will still fizzle out. Therefore, the waiting doesn't necessarily create the emotional bond in the guy (it may do in some instances, I don't know), but it does let the girl gauge how interested the guy is. That is, if he is really into you, he will be willing to wait until you're ready. I find that to be true from my own experience. Oh yeah, and I'm a guy btw
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