thatmatt Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 I've been reading these forums for a few weeks now, and joined, and it really has helped to read about other people's stories, and especially to know that there are a lot of other people out there in similar situations, and that I can turn experiences that are difficult into something that could help someone. Anyways, here is a link to some background info: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t111824/ I have been seeing a therapist in order to help cope with my anger and hurt, and regain a more positive additude and my self esteem. I feel like i've overcome a lot of the anger and hurt, but now it gets confusing. It's been almost 2 months, and I really don't have a lot going for me right now. I have a few close friends, but really don't see them as much anymore, and am generally unhappy with college right now(i settled for in state because I was unsure of what I wanted to do, but plan on going to New York next fall, and am excited about that), and I am still questioning whether I am suffering from minor depression, although I have improved greatly over the last month. I have spent a lot of alone time recently, as I don't have many friends, and accepted that I would have a lot of alone time for the next few months, and am looking at next fall as a time where I can start fresh, make new friends, start my life, maybe meet someone, etc, and that until then, it would be a grind, but a grind that would make me a stronger, more independant person. But recently I've been questioning my decision to break up with her some. I feel a lot of guilt, although I have apologized to her several times, about how I broke it off (I let my anger and hurt get the best of me, and ended up hurting her). I know it can't work, shes in california, I almost transfered colleges to california to be closer to her, and wants to study abroad in a year. Sometimes I feel like I still want her back, and it used to be when I felt that, I would just remember the ways she hurt me and was unfair to me, and those feelings would go away. I don't know if it's the lonliness, getting over my hurt and anger, or if I really do still love her. She was my first girlfirend, so I do take that in to account, in that it makes the situation harder. I think I am still clinging on to what was, and have to realize that she's moved on, not just after us breaking up, but when she left for college I think she had moved on with her life. I feel horrible for the way I broke up with her, and although I know why I broke up with her, there's this niave sense that it could still work. She has a lot of friends now, and I usually see someone who knows her at least a couple times a week. It makes me feel even more horrible about how I ended it because I know that she's told her side, which includes how I was an ******* when I broke up with her, and I'm the bad guy, and she was great and never did anything wrong in the relationship. I tell myself that if that is how she is reacting, how is she ever going to learn from her mistakes if she can't admit them. Sorry for the long post, i've just had some confusing thoughts lately. I'm told my all my friends and family that I am an extremely loyal person once I learn to trust someone, and I think that loyalty makes me blind sometimes, I think that's maybe the case here? I have no plans on talking to her or getting back together, she's angry at me and I get so wired when I talk to her, it's just not good. I just needed to write these things down, and wonder if this is a stage or if these feelings really are true, even though getting back together goes against everything sensible. Sorry for the long post again, thanks for reading.
Rainer Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Sounds like you are going through a lot of stuff, as much as stuff like moving across the country to be closer to her, you seem to realise that isnt the best choice for you. You deserve to be with someone you wont treat you like that, plus the fact that your are angry...you are hurting, that takes time to heal. I'm a loyal person too, and when someone takes advantage of it, it can take a while for your brain to process that you shouldnt go out on the ledge for that person anymore. Go out and try to do something new when you feel up to it and see if you meet some new people that way. But dont rush into anything, enjoy your time.
ratingsguy Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Welcome to the forum. You'll find a lot of other people here in similar situations who will be able to offer support and good advice. I know you're hurting right now and I can understand that. People don't go to therapists for the hell of it! I know, I visited one for the first time in my life yesterday. What you're going through is completely normal and in time you will get through this. No disrespect, but one thing you need to remember is that you (and presumably your ex) are still very young and have a lot more life to live. I'm sure your therapist has mentioned this to you. Very seldom does someone spend the rest of their lives with their first girlfriend or boyfriend, and usually if they do, it ends in divorce or an unhappy marriage. Those are the odds. So really, you've both done yourselves a big favor in the long run. That is not to demean your relationship with her. I'm sure the feelings were real, and they have to be for you to see a psychologist. Point being, you're still a kid. You're going to go through heartbreak maybe a couple more times in your life. It's a natural part of growing up. This is an opportunity to learn from the mistakes you've made and try your best not to repeat them. To get over this, of course listen to your therapist, but also keep yourself busy. I'm also one of those people who choose to have a few very close friends as opposed to a lot of acquaintences. Get a part-time job, spend time with family, go on a trip. Do what you need to do to take your mind off of her. Eventually you will be fine. Good luck to you!
Author thatmatt Posted February 17, 2007 Author Posted February 17, 2007 thanks for the responses. Looking at it, it probably wouldn't have worked out anyways, we are very different people, and the only thing I think my being in a better place and being able to deal with more stuff would do would be draw out the inevitable. I've really come a long way in getting over my anger, and am now starting to feel guilty, asking what ifs, etc. It's like im going through the stages in reverse. Im questioning whether a breakup was overreacting, because I don't feel that anger really, just mostly guilt now. When we talked after it happened, I told her one of my reasons was that I had too much recent hurt that I had to get over, and we would only have 3 weeks together before school started again, and we wouldn't have been strong enough for another semester of LDR. I feel so much guilt for breaking her heart right now, she told me after I said it was over how she wanted to marry me, stuff like that, and I have to remember the hurt she put me through, I feel like I had my heart broken several times over a few months. It's like that anger was my defense to not feel vulnerable to her anymore, to be able to stand up against her and speak for myself. It could be that I only focused on my anger and the hurt feelings as the end of the relationship, and now that Im working through everything, I'm going through more memories of the good times, which I don't even know if they were "real" to her because she wasn't even that happy, and she felt I couldn't make her happy. I have heard from people associated with her that she is telling them we broke up because I had a lot of stress in my life, which is true, but it's not at all why I broke up with her. I keep having these feelings of wanting to fix everything, which was one of my problems in our relationship because she told me that I was everything to her, that I rescued her so many times, etc. I know that she feels she did nothing wrong, and for some reason I am feeling guilt, which is the way it was usually when we were together. Sorry again for the long posts, but thank you for listening. Im only seeing a therapist once a week , but I think I am going to try for at least twice. It's just that my mind is constantly moving about this and everything else in my life, it keeps changing, and I don't know what's a stage or what's real. Thank you so much for listening and the comments, they really do help!
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