Why men and women cheat

February 18, 2007

Women fall for how a man feels about her, men fall for a woman based on how she makes him feel about himself

This is so right no it isn't even funny~!

February 18, 2007

Of my experience, it was the taste for the hunt and kill that made him do it. The sad reality was that he wasn't lacking anything and openly admitted it. How loving is that?

February 18, 2007

Quote:

Originally Posted by bonehead

Women fall for how a man feels about her, men fall for a woman based on how she makes him feel about himself

This is so right no it isn't even funny~!

Yes I agree with this as I truly think men want to be adored/admired

February 18, 2007

I read somwhere that it is only called CHEATING because that is what women call a man acting on his natural instincts...

February 18, 2007

Hmmm...interesting comment. Perhaps you're right pricillia. Men should be allowed to act on their natural instincts and seek out as many young females as possible to inseminate them. Of course these young women should also be prepared to be considered breeding stock, repopulating the earth so that the older women don't have to breed.

February 20, 2007

If the man is being taken care of at home he won't stray, to many wives out there take for granted that he will always be around and maybe he will but there will always be someone to take care of the needs not being met at home!!!

February 21, 2007

Im not saying that its an excuse to have an affair, but you really need to stop assuming you were doing everything right.

You are totally right about this.

Meeting another person's needs is about doing so in the way that THEY need them met, not by the way YOU think they should be met.

I had this problem with my ex-H. He was TOO attentive, if you can believe that. I wished that he would have stood up for himself while we were married and called me on any bulls*it. He was sweet, yes, but a doormat.

I felt like I took responsibility for EVERYTHING. By that I mean that I felt responsible not only for my own emotional well-being but for his, too. I just couldn't reciprocate the way I thought that I should. This made me feel guilty.

I told him millions of times (and this is very important for you to understand, SC) "honey, thank you so much for buying me flowers (he did this alot), but REALLY, you don't have to. I love you and I know that you love me." His response was "I know, but I like too."

OK, do you see the problem here? He is thinking that he is being a good husband by buying me flowers because woman love that, right? But he was constantly doing exactly the OPPOSITE of what I asked him.

I wondered why he felt like he had to do it prove to me how he felt. I felt like he didn't have faith in our relationship or could trust me when I told him that yes, I really do love you. I didn't need a constant stream of a** kissing. I just wanted him to have faith.

Mind you, this is just one example...

February 21, 2007

You are totally right about this.

Meeting another person's needs is about doing so in the way that THEY need them met, not by the way YOU think they should be met.

I had this problem with my ex-H. He was TOO attentive, if you can believe that. I wished that he would have stood up for himself while we were married and called me on any bulls*it. He was sweet, yes, but a doormat.

I felt like I took responsibility for EVERYTHING. By that I mean that I felt responsible not only for my own emotional well-being but for his, too. I just couldn't reciprocate the way I thought that I should. This made me feel guilty.

I told him millions of times (and this is very important for you to understand, SC) "honey, thank you so much for buying me flowers (he did this alot), but REALLY, you don't have to. I love you and I know that you love me." His response was "I know, but I like too."

OK, do you see the problem here? He is thinking that he is being a good husband by buying me flowers because woman love that, right? But he was constantly doing exactly the OPPOSITE of what I asked him.

I wondered why he felt like he had to do it prove to me how he felt. I felt like he didn't have faith in our relationship or could trust me when I told him that yes, I really do love you. I didn't need a constant stream of a** kissing. I just wanted him to have faith.

Mind you, this is just one example...

I find this rather sad. I mean, obviously, you two weren't right for each other, because you had vastly opposing needs. So it's good you're not together anymore.

But that being said, while I understand what you're saying about how he wasn't meeting a need of yours - for him to be tougher - you need to flip it and try to see it from his point of view, and to be perfectly honest, it really doesn't sound like you've done that.

You've seen how his actions turned you off, and how it seemed as though he turned a deaf ear on what you were saying would be enticing to you, and you found that frustrating - and that's fair enough. Clearly, he wasn't listening to you. But you weren't listening to him, either, and you really should own that part of it. It's not about reciprocating what he does because you feel guilty - it's about allowing him to express how he feels in his way, because that's what pleases him. Clearly, it made your partner actually feel good to do those things for you, and that was a need he had, which you didn't want to meet him halfway on. You wanted him to please you in your way.

Look, people on these boards should really try to understand that there are very few BS who haven't taken on any responsibility for problems in the marriage, despite their obvious anger at being lied to and cheated on. Naturally, there is a lot of anger - and seriously, they aren't going to take ALL the responsibility for what went down. I mean, girl, please. But that doesn't preclude them feeling responsible and guilty and worried too. Both things can coexist, people, and it's mighty annoying when people assume that BS aren't interested in taking responsibility for the state of their marriage. I mean, come on.

Situations like MoonGirl's are horrible, and I'm glad she's free of her exH. But they are hardly the norm - most BS do NOT "deserve" a comeuppance, and do NOT see it coming. The WS is usually someone who feels they have expressed frustration in some way (which the BS often hasn't really picked up on, or at least hasn't realized the implications of) - but, more often, has been AFRAID to confront or rock the boat directly, and so prefers to forestall that confrontation (hopefully indefinitely, I'd imagine) by simply taking what they've decided they need elsewhere.

I can understand that many WS find it hard to talk to their spouses about their needs, particularly if their spouses are tough, hard-line sorts of people. But while I empathize with the years of fear and frustration and anxiety, and I know people are only human, I guess I just can't see it as a valid excuse for cheating. Talk to your partner.

That, above any civil piece of paper (or vow before God, if you like), is the deal you made when you agreed to get married. You basically agreed that you would talk to your partner first, and keep them in the innermost loop of what's going on with you. So do it. No excuses. Period.

February 21, 2007

Well, my boyfrind says he cheated on me with a girl he works with because he felt sorry for her as she had just seaparated from her hubby.

February 21, 2007

Well, my boyfrind says he cheated on me with a girl he works with because he felt sorry for her as she had just seaparated from her hubby.

oh what a sweet guy he is! Maybe you should send a card to express your joy with his decision to be so giving to a friend in need?

Do they make a Hallmark card for that?

February 21, 2007

oh what a sweet guy he is! Maybe you should send a card to express your joy with his decision to be so giving to a friend in need?

Do they make a Hallmark card for that?

LMAO - no kidding.

I have any number of reasons for people to feel sorry for me and no one is sleeping with me! Dammit.

February 21, 2007

You've seen how his actions turned you off, and how it seemed as though he turned a deaf ear on what you were saying would be enticing to you, and you found that frustrating - and that's fair enough. Clearly, he wasn't listening to you. But you weren't listening to him, either, and you really should own that part of it. It's not about reciprocating what he does because you feel guilty - it's about allowing him to express how he feels in his way, because that's what pleases him. Clearly, it made your partner actually feel good to do those things for you, and that was a need he had, which you didn't want to meet him halfway on. You wanted him to please you in your way.

That's very insightful of you. I realize now that I had issues with comprimising in my first marriage and it is something that I am very conscious of now.

Now I know what some people must be thinking about this. But really, I am not at all a mushy gushy person and this is just one of MANY examples that I could give. We were incompatible for other reasons, but this one popped into my head based on someone else's post.

February 25, 2007

As a married woman in an open marriage, I can tell you, in answer to the original question, I do it for emotional reasons. No one person can "provide" everything to another person. This leads to the 80% of married people who cheat! My husband is one of THE most wonderful, fun and loving people I know. But, we are very different, there are many things I always did before we were together that he can't/won't/has no interest in doing. So, I get it elsewhere. And honestly, most of the time, if I could do that with no sex, I would.

As for those who say they'd kick the cheating spouse to the curb? Well, if I was with somebody who lied, no matter what the lie, I'd do the same. This is why this was determined BEFORE we were ever married, agreed upon and understood.

As I said, 80% of people cheat, that has to say something about human nature. If you look at it from a scientific view, humans are not made to have just one partner. That is a morality imposed by humans and it doesn't work most of the time.

I think if we accepted our true nature, as humans, for what it is, and quit letting the moral police dictate what we are "supposed" to do, we'd be MUCH happier people! What I find most amusing is that most of those who make the laws and tell us how horrible this is, also are eventually found out to have cheated on their spouses.

In my view (and its obviously just my view), the lying is what creates the cheating. And yes, I agree, lying is bad.

Because of what I do, I can relate this to animals. We would not try to treat our cat like we do our dog, because their natures are different and doing so would be going against their nature and backfire. I see this moral nonsense that is pushed on us as being the very same, going against our nature.

Most married people who are with somebody else are not looking to leave their primary love, they are simply looking to add to it.

I can tell you that being able to leave and go be with my ex several times a year has saved my 15 year marriage many times and my husband will tell you the same thing.

I also believe that men and women feel differently about sex though. Men often times confuse love and sex (even though they say we do that). Women are more comfortable with our emotions, though no less sexual, no matter what we are taught, so we know we are doing it for emotional needs. Men are very comfortable hiding behind the sex as being the reason.

February 25, 2007

I cheated on an ex of mine, when I was unhappy in the relationship and was too much of a coward to end it. So I guess, yes, I was cheating to have emotional needs fufilled. But the relationship was also long distance, so I needed other needs met as well.... I honestly can say though, that I really didn't love him, and I would never ever cheat again.

February 25, 2007

Aren't some relationships then a journey of discovery about onself, and what you need in your life?

February 25, 2007

As a married woman in an open marriage, I can tell you, in answer to the original question, I do it for emotional reasons. No one person can "provide" everything to another person. This leads to the 80% of married people who cheat! My husband is one of THE most wonderful, fun and loving people I know. But, we are very different, there are many things I always did before we were together that he can't/won't/has no interest in doing. So, I get it elsewhere. And honestly, most of the time, if I could do that with no sex, I would.

As for those who say they'd kick the cheating spouse to the curb? Well, if I was with somebody who lied, no matter what the lie, I'd do the same. This is why this was determined BEFORE we were ever married, agreed upon and understood.

As I said, 80% of people cheat, that has to say something about human nature. If you look at it from a scientific view, humans are not made to have just one partner. That is a morality imposed by humans and it doesn't work most of the time.

I think if we accepted our true nature, as humans, for what it is, and quit letting the moral police dictate what we are "supposed" to do, we'd be MUCH happier people! What I find most amusing is that most of those who make the laws and tell us how horrible this is, also are eventually found out to have cheated on their spouses.

In my view (and its obviously just my view), the lying is what creates the cheating. And yes, I agree, lying is bad.

Because of what I do, I can relate this to animals. We would not try to treat our cat like we do our dog, because their natures are different and doing so would be going against their nature and backfire. I see this moral nonsense that is pushed on us as being the very same, going against our nature.

Most married people who are with somebody else are not looking to leave their primary love, they are simply looking to add to it.
I can tell you that being able to leave and go be with my ex several times a year has saved my 15 year marriage many times and my husband will tell you the same thing.

I also believe that men and women feel differently about sex though. Men often times confuse love and sex (even though they say we do that). Women are more comfortable with our emotions, though no less sexual, no matter what we are taught, so we know we are doing it for emotional needs. Men are very comfortable hiding behind the sex as being the reason.

While this may work for you, it's not for everyone. Call me selfish, controlling and possessive but I don't share. If someone has physical needs that they can't get from me but are still indulging in a physical relationship with me, I would not consider it acceptable that they expose both of us to STDs, regardless of how "careful" they think they're being. If they have emotional needs, get some friends and preferably of the same gender as they are. If I can withhold from indulging, I would hope they can also keep it zipped, emotionally and physically. I only ask what I demand of myself.

February 25, 2007

While this may work for you, it's not for everyone. Call me selfish, controlling and possessive but I don't share. If someone has physical needs that they can't get from me but are still indulging in a physical relationship with me, I would not consider it acceptable that they expose both of us to STDs, regardless of how "careful" they think they're being. If they have emotional needs, get some friends and preferably of the same gender as they are. If I can withhold from indulging, I would hope they can also keep it zipped, emotionally and physically. I only ask what I demand of myself.

Yes I agree with this... no one person can meet all of your needs that is what friends and family are for!

February 25, 2007

If a marriage is open and botth partners are okay with that more power to them but it is cheating when one partners goes behind the other's back.

February 26, 2007

I wholeheartedly DISAGREE. Do you have any idea of how many marriages survive infidelity? Millions and millions. All marriages have problems, the strong ones survive if both partners are willing to do the work to repair them.

How can a person be so willing to walk away from a marriage? No wonder the divorce rate is so high, no one said it was going to be easy, sheesh!

Kind of contradictory, don't you think?

By the way, do you have stats on that?

Those marriages survive infidelity maybe because the betrayed spouse doesn't know jack about it!

February 26, 2007

Those marriages survive infidelity maybe because the betrayed spouse doesn't know jack about it!

Yup -- gotta agree. XMM was so paranoid of getting caught. Oh the damage I could do if wanted to.

February 26, 2007

Yup -- gotta agree. XMM was so paranoid of getting caught. Oh the damage I could do if wanted to.

ok...are you proud of this? I can understand why the BS needs to know, but why would anyone want to do it with the intent of causing damage? Also, I think most BS do know "something" is wrong, but many can't or are incapable of identifying infidelity as the culprit. I know with me, at some level, I must have been aware of it, but to save my life, I can't think of one single time in 10 years, that I even entertained the thought. I totally trusted him..

February 26, 2007

I read somewhere that 17% of divorces are because of cheating.

Once a cheater does not mean they always will be. They always will be in the mind of the person they cheated on but not necessarily in reality. It all boils down to trust.

So I cheated on my boyfriend in high school, umpteen years ago. Does that mean I will always be a cheater? (Just an example)

February 27, 2007

ok...are you proud of this? I can understand why the BS needs to know, but why would anyone want to do it with the intent of causing damage? Also, I think most BS do know "something" is wrong, but many can't or are incapable of identifying infidelity as the culprit. I know with me, at some level, I must have been aware of it, but to save my life, I can't think of one single time in 10 years, that I even entertained the thought. I totally trusted him..

OOD -- Uh... No, I am not proud of this. My intent/our intent was not to cause damage to both spouses or our children. I was merely pointing out that if I were a vindictive person (which I'm not) the damage that I could cause to both sets of families if I so wanted to do so. I don't and wouldn't do that. He didn't either. What we had between us is what it was. It's over, it's done with. He is living his fantasy happy married life while I left husband number two. Life goes on as if all is ok for XMM's BS and she has not one clue when we talk to each other about the nature of the relationship I had with her husband. Why hurt her? I would never do this to her. I already went "down that road" and for me, there is nothing gained by saying anything to anyone.

Remember -- I am also a former BS. I didn't know until I was going through my divorce. I wish I never did know. The ex-husband was not a serial cheater though. Someone BS's want to know while others do not. Had my first marriage survived, and it was merely a fling, then I wouldn't want to know. Marriage is hard enough as it is and I for one don't want or need that pain inflicted on me.

Personally, I don't understand why BS's stay with serial cheaters. You deserve to be loved and cherished the way one man may would do that for you. And I believe by reading your posts that your husband travels alot. I wouldn't sleep an night when he's out travelling. The man has it quite good and knows it.

February 27, 2007

OOD -- Uh... No, I am not proud of this. My intent/our intent was not to cause damage to both spouses or our children. I was merely pointing out that if I were a vindictive person (which I'm not) the damage that I could cause to both sets of families if I so wanted to do so. I don't and wouldn't do that. He didn't either. What we had between us is what it was. It's over, it's done with. He is living his fantasy happy married life while I left husband number two. Life goes on as if all is ok for XMM's BS and she has not one clue when we talk to each other about the nature of the relationship I had with her husband. Why hurt her? I would never do this to her. I already went "down that road" and for me, there is nothing gained by saying anything to anyone.

Remember -- I am also a former BS. I didn't know until I was going through my divorce. I wish I never did know. The ex-husband was not a serial cheater though. Someone BS's want to know while others do not. Had my first marriage survived, and it was merely a fling, then I wouldn't want to know. Marriage is hard enough as it is and I for one don't want or need that pain inflicted on me.

Personally, I don't understand why BS's stay with serial cheaters. You deserve to be loved and cherished the way one man may would do that for you. And I believe by reading your posts that your husband travels alot. I wouldn't sleep an night when he's out travelling. The man has it quite good and knows it.

thanks...I really appreciate that. I'm sorry if I offended or hurt you. I guess I posted too quickly w/out really thinking. I won't sleep well tonight, our son is really sick and I am waiting for my Mom to get the results of the mri she had today of her chest....

February 27, 2007

sorry you all if I seemed testy or offensive in my posts. I should know by now not to get on my comp and start typing away when I'm really stressed out of worried...It comes out on the whomever/whatever I'm directing my typing to...sorry...

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