Krytellan Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 OK, this is a bit different topic. I've been chewing this around and I just thought to throw it out to you guys. I quit smoking one week to the day that I went out with my now g/f for the first time. I smoked for 20 years and decided it was time. OK, so I haven't so much as touched a cigarette in 4 months. Haven't wanted to. As some of you may know, my gf (non-smoker) and I have great communication in our relationship and I have never lied to her or kept anything (else) from her, even about my situation with my soon to be ex. However, I did not ever tell her I used to smoke. I found out 2 weeks into the relationship that she would never date a smoker... ever. Sooo... I kept it secret. Why you ask? Well, I had absolute and complete confidence in myself to quit. I am surrounded by nonsmokers in every facet of my life and I just know what I'm capable of. I didn't trust her to have the same belief in me that I did at the time to quit. Considering how well I have done and plan on doing, I'm not worried about failing. I would like to tell her now, but I still don't feel that she would have faith in me like I do. What do you guys think? Should I absolutely have told her already, now, never?
Art_Critic Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 At the moment you quit for good you were no longer a smoker.. you became an ex smoker.. A person that used to smoke Personally I don't think it is a biggie.. Why not just tell her now ?.. It has been long enough together time to tell her.. Has she not seen pics of you smoking or talked to any family members or friends that might have told her already and she just has never told you that she knows ?
Author Krytellan Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 She hasn't seen any pictures as I really have none with me (anyway, I always had a thing about taking pictures that showed a cigarette) and my family and friends are 2500 miles away.
Art_Critic Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 If you only quit 1 week before you started dating her then she had to be able to smell it on your clothes.. that crap lasts for months.. and your fingers might have still been nicotine stained as well... My point being is that is is possible that she already knows that you used to smoke.. either the smell on your clothes or in your apartment, car or something like that... People that don't smoke can smell it 3 miles away..
Author Krytellan Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 Yeah, I suppose it would be naive to think she didn't have some doubts at least. She is just such a straight shooter that if she suspected I think she would have said something to me about it. I need to assume she doesn't know since I never said I guess.
Art_Critic Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 I found out 2 weeks into the relationship that she would never date a smoker... ever. It is possible that that was her telling/warning you...
Topper Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Tell her you quit for Her that she means that much to you you did cold Turkey just to prove to her you loved her. Now take lite cigarette and burn her name into your arm. if you want to be dramatic do it in front of her. really just tell and tell yes you did it for yourself but also you couldn't see losing her for stupid smokes
guin_girl Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 She is just such a straight shooter that if she suspected I think she would have said something to me about it. Maybe that's why she said she wouldn't date a smoker, ever... it was a heads up to you. And like Art said, as a non smoker, we would be able to smell that "stale" air in your home and definitely in your car... she may have been fishing if it was the ex that smoked or you.
Author Krytellan Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 You really have me wondering, Art. She tends to be strong in her beliefs and condemning of addictions. She comments harshly sometimes on a lot of things, but has never made a comment about smoking around me. In fact, that's the only thing she hasn't commented on... perhaps knowing that I am one. Hmm... makes me wonder. I just find it so hard to believe she wouldn't tackle it head-on. Do you suppose maybe she felt she was better off not knowing because that would be incongruent with her liking me so much?
guin_girl Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 I just find it so hard to believe she wouldn't tackle it head-on. Do you suppose maybe she felt she was better off not knowing because that would be incongruent with her liking me so much? I know you asked for Art's opinion... but my 2 cents is at two weeks she didn't know you that well, and she had no actual proof of smoking... but may have been suspicious of the "stale" air... just my thoughts... cause I know I pick up on it quick, cause I'm allergic to smoke and will have problems breathing...
Art_Critic Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 I just find it so hard to believe she wouldn't tackle it head-on. Do you suppose maybe she felt she was better off not knowing because that would be incongruent with her liking me so much? She might have felt that she did tackle it head on.. If she suspected or knew that your were an ex smoker then she might have just been giving you the benefit of doubt and turning a blind eye to it till she saw if you were still smoking.. Since you had quit and never picked it back up then she just let it drop.. Of course .. I am only speculating.. but the chances are that she knows.. By the way.. Congrats.. you just saved your life and just added years to your life so your family can watch you grow old.. The rules are " if you smoke you die.. or you die of something smoking related earlier than expected "
che_jesse Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 As someone that quit smoking cold turkey myself and knows how much it sucks let me first congratulate you on quitting and applaud you on being able to interact with other people 1 week after quitting, I know I was a giant bitch, my boyfriend swears he saw he spew fire several times during those first two weeks. Now about your girlfriend, why did she say she wont date a smoker? It is something important like her father dieing of lung cancer or is it something that does not really matter in the grand scheme of things like her not liking kissing someone that smells like smokers do? I think you should eventually tell her but I think you should wait a while longer to do so, maybe until you have been a non smoker for at least 1 year. Thats a long enough period of time to prove you are 100% smoke free. I really dont think she knew you smoked, people are usually oblivious to things like that, especially since she had no reason to look for it.
the_total_package Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 I don't date smokers either and I would be impressed with your resolve to quit and keep it up that long. So actually it would be a positive thing for me, I want to date someone who can follow through, which you have done. Wow. It would for me, four months is a long time to stay off smoking. I think it is time to come clean in case it does inadvertently come up, you never know.
Author Krytellan Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 Now about your girlfriend, why did she say she wont date a smoker? It is something important like her father dieing of lung cancer or is it something that does not really matter in the grand scheme of things like her not liking kissing someone that smells like smokers do? The topic of addictions came up first. She is a physician's assistant and her brother was a drug-addict for years and is now recovering. No one in her family has ever smoked cigarettes... very "straight" family, brother excluded.
Author Krytellan Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 And, I wasn't posting this for praise, but thank you for your support all
che_jesse Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 The topic of addictions came up first. She is a physician's assistant and her brother was a drug-addict for years and is now recovering. No one in her family has ever smoked cigarettes... very "straight" family, brother excluded. In that case I definitely think you should wait longer to tell her. Even longer then a year maybe, I think she should know eventually because that is just the type to thing you tell your partner but given the situation with her brother and that she is linking it to cigarette smoking she might also view the recovery part the same. Also when you do tell her make sure you do it at a time when her brother is on the wagon just to avoid her somehow grouping you in with him.
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Yeah if she see's a picture or someone mentions it, fluff it off like no big deal, like "I used to smoke a while ago but I don't anymore..." then change the subject. The bigger deal you make of it, the more she could react. That is, IF the cat gets let out of the bag.
Art_Critic Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 You should not hide this.. Sure Wait.. but pick your time.. she might feel deceived if you never tell her and she finds out one day.. I'm an Alcoholic and have always told the person I'm dating about my addiction very early on.. sometimes even before the first date and sometimes after a few dates.... I have been sober almost 20 years. Even in the beginning I would tell someone if the situation presented itself.. Personally I am proud to be a drunk.. it is who I am and who I was.. it is also the reason I am who I am today.. I have never been embarrassed to have beating the addiction.. I was embarrassed of the things I did but not of quitting.
Art_Critic Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Yeah if she see's a picture or someone mentions it, fluff it off like no big deal, like "I used to smoke a while ago but I don't anymore..." then change the subject. The bigger deal you make of it, the more she could react. That is, IF the cat gets let out of the bag. Beautiful.... perfect way to handle it....
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 I have never been embarrassed to have beating the addiction.. That's beautiful too. I'm glad to hear that you are who you are now, even though you had some low times......But, obviously going through all that you did made you who you are today!
Author Krytellan Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 Personally I am proud to be a drunk.. it is who I am and who I was.. it is also the reason I am who I am today.. I have never been embarrassed to have beating the addiction.. I was embarrassed of the things I did but not of quitting. You're not a drunk. You're Art Critic (for lack of better knowledge ) and you're beating a problem. You aren't the illness. But I hear you. Congrats.
Star Gazer Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Hahahahahahahaha!! This situation totally came up with my ex!! He had been a smoker for...oh...15 years or so. A few months prior to us getting together, he quit. When we started dating, he told me this and I was very complimentary - told him that was awesome (I know it's hard to quit), quite an accomplishment and step in the right direction for good health, blah blah, and also (without having any intention or MEANING) said something like "and good thing you don't smoke anymore because I could never date a smoker." That comment haunted him for months. I didn't really mean anything by it, well, other than "I don't want to date someone who smokes." However, it is an addiction. And because of that comment, he drove himself nutty worrying about backsliding...which ultimately resulted in him picking up the habit. Apparently every two weeks or so, if he went out for a couple beers, he'd smoke. But it was far, far less than the 1-2 packs a day he was smoking previously. He hid it from me... ...until we started fighting. And then what did he do? I had NO IDEA he had started smoking again, but in the middle of a stupid argument, he pulled over to a 7-11 and went inside. Came back with a bottle of water for me, and a pack and a lighter for himself. Rolled down the window, lit up, and puffed smoke right in my face. Then he said, "Happy now? Look what you drove me to do. And since you don't want to date a smoker, looks like we're done." Long story short, as long as you don't pull this sort of move, you'll be fine. :-) I think she cares about what you are NOW - i.e., a non-smoker. However, if bigger things have been involved (drugs), I think she ought to know.
Star Gazer Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Oh wait. I didn't see the part where you mentioned her background and what she does for a living... Hmm. That makes it a little different... her sensitivities re: this topic are a lot higher than mine. I'd tell her if I were you just to get it out there. You know how she feels about it, and the longer you keep it from her the more likely she'll perceive your omission to be a lie.
Author Krytellan Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 Rolled down the window, lit up, and puffed smoke right in my face. Then he said, "Happy now? Look what you drove me to do. And since you don't want to date a smoker, looks like we're done." Long story short, as long as you don't pull this sort of move, you'll be fine. :-) I think she cares about what you are NOW - i.e., a non-smoker. However, if bigger things have been involved (drugs), I think she ought to know. Sweeet... he is my frickin IDOL!!! And she knows about all the drugs I've done in my life. That was easy because they were all like 10 years removed.
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Downplay it.....That's all ya gotta do! If you react or act weird/nervous about it, she'll pick up on that SO FAST and she'll start thinking......Then you're screwed baby.
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