NorCalDave Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 So, my story is under "Worrying about her". I was dating a woman 20 years older than me off and on for 3 years. During this time, she was keeping a friendship with her co-dependent ex behind my back. She was always really honest with me, I thought, because she would tell me when he'd call and it seemed she was being truthful. But whenever she'd push me away, I'd find out she started seeing him again. They don't even have a romantic thing, it's more comfort and familiarity, codependency and he supports her $$. Well, about 2 weeks ago, she told me she couldn't handle the age gap anymore and wanted to just be friends with me. This was surprising because there was no fight, no cheating, just....breakup. We did NC for a week, and we started talking agoin after a week because we both missed each other. Then, this past Sunday, she called to ask me to lunch where she reiterated that she doesn't see a future and wants to be friends only and suggested maybe NC is best. I pleaded a little before I felt desperate and left. So, I decided to just drop off a casual card and a couple flowers for V-Day last night, but when I pulled up to her house her ex's car was outside. He lives far away so if he was visiting he would be staying longer than 1 night. They were out to dinner. I didn't drop off the gifts. I saw that he had coathangers in his car like he was prepping for a weekend visit. This comes as a total shock because this man has physically abused her, controlled her, and refused to let her out of his grasp. She has told me numerous times how he repulses her, how he harasses her, how he manipulates her, and does speed and is unhealthy. AND! How she is going through perimenopause, never wants sex, just wants to be alone with her kitties, and wants to move in with her parents and take care of them, and that she doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with any man. Now, 2 weeks later she's having her ex stay the night for however many nights. I can't explain it or understand it. I just want to ask her what the hell is going on. I can't believe she's want to be with him over me. I know it's unhealthy between them, and not all giggles and lovey-dovey. But it still hurts. I guess I need to let it go, but it's hard. I feel so left out, just wondering what to think. Part of me feels deceived, angry, frustrated, and clueless. I guess if you're with someone for 10 years, no matter how bad the relationship was/is, it's still tough to let that person go. She totally doesn't deserve my tears or heartache, but it's all too sudden and I'm just in shock. I thought she just wanted to be alone with her kitties, and here her ex is practically moving in. I haven't broken NC, but I am sooo close. :eek: :( :sick:
Davis Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Hey NorCal, I know you're looking for answers to feel better, but they all do off the wall things we'll never understand. Could be comfort and familarity. Who knows for sure and I certainly wouldn't spend so much time beating myself up about it. And really, it doesn't matter why, it just is. I know you're very emotional over her, but she doesn't sound like that great of a catch. 20 years age difference is huge. Not to make you feel bad, but there's not typically much of a future in the type of relationship. Don't look like a fool and break NC for ANY reason. Keep your pride and your dignity. Don't do any "drive bys" either!! Move on bro, it will be for the best.
shockandawed Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Davis is dead on here man, It sucks, it hurts and it doesn't make any sense. But it is the reality right now. I know the feeling of wanting to drive by. I am glad it is 30 miles and no where on my way to anywhere. Plus I realized nothing would be accomplished other than making me feel like crap. Nice car in the drive, I am jealous. Feel like crap. Crappy car in the drive, I am pissed, wtf??? then feel like crap. No car in the drive. Maybe she got dumped, maybe she is over there, maybe, who the hell knows other than feeling like crap. See what I mean? Nothing ever good comes from it. Unless, you go by, slash his tires and poison the kitties. Hey, just kidding on the last part. Hang in there and good luck, I know it is hell right now. We have all been there, some of us still are dealing with it. It does get better.
shockandawed Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 20 years age difference is huge. Not to make you feel bad, but there's not typically much of a future in the type of relationship. Hey Davis, You suppose it is alright if I go out with someone 10 years younger???
Author NorCalDave Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 Age gap relationships CAN work. Love is love, no matter how old. It just matters if the people are willing to work at it or not. I was willing, but she threw in the towel whenever her insecurities would come up. I am just in shock. Just a week ago, she was kissing and hugging me, and a couple weeks ago she was in my bed for 3 straight nights....and now she's letting her ex stay at her place???? I am getting so curious that I've already driven by her place a few times just to see if their cars are there together. I haven't seen his car there since that first night....but that doesn't mean anything...I feel like such a loser whenever I do it, but I have to know what is going on for my own curiosity sake. I am so disappointed in her. I know she loves him, but isn't IN love with him...so she's just going to break his heart too.... ...it's like she runs whenever she starts getting serious in a relationship, but when it's not serious, she just likes the attention and re-assurance. You'd think at 48 she would have more things figured out by now. I am just sooo physically attracted to her that I can't get her out of my head and haven't been able to for 3 years now, ever since I first saw her. I just wish she would let Jim go, and try to get over her insecurities with me and our age gap. But she doesn't seem willing to do either...
Davis Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Age gap relationships CAN work. Love is love, no matter how old. I am getting so curious that I've already driven by her place a few times just to see if their cars are there together. I am so disappointed in her. I know she loves him, but isn't IN love with him...so she's just going to break his heart too.... You'd think at 48 she would have more things figured out by now. She doesn't seem to willing to do either... Hey Shock! YES!! Except if you are under 28 years old. NorCal. I know you have strong feeling for her, but when you're 28 and she's 48 that makes it extremely unlikely that it will ever work. Sure, love is love, but some obstacles are too large to overcome. Bro! Stop making yourself more crazy and STOP driving by! It will only make you feel worse. Oh. Did I mention CA has very strong Stalking Laws and that she could press the police to arrest you just for driving by her house? The police always take the woman's word over the guy's. Ever been in jail? Sorry man, but you have no idea how she feels about him and you're just trying to rationalize that she couldn't possibly care about him more than you. Also, you have no idea if she's going to "break his heart" or not and really, it is none of your business. I don't think it matters her age. She could be 28, 48, 65 or 80. People that have not dealt with their past issues and fixed them continue to be mixed up and lost regardless of age. "She doesn't seem willing"?? She made a choice and a decision to be with someone else. It doesn't matter if he's richer, better looking, more her age, they're more compatible or whatever. The point is she decided she doesn't want to be with you. That doesn't lessen your value or selfworth at all. The two of you are just not the right "match". I totally understand your emotions and your upset at this point. You're in the early stages and it's tough and it sucks. I'm not trying to be harsh with you, but you have to face things straight on. Are you just obssessed with her and her physical appearance? I haven't heard you describe what valuable attributes and characteristics that she has. Do yourself a favor. End the hurt and move forward.
Author NorCalDave Posted February 17, 2007 Author Posted February 17, 2007 I know, I know I need to move on. I guess I was obsessed with her physical appearance and true, she didn't have many good qualities outside her looks that would make her the marrying type. She has too much in her past to fix. I know it doesn't matter and I don't know what she feels for this ex, but I've seen her break his heart over and over and I just think she is very selfish to invite him up for Valentine's Day because he is going to get his hopes up and she's gonna push him away like she's done so many other times. She's 48 with no kids and never been married for a reason. She's scared of commitment. If she was so nuts about him she wouldn't continually abandon him and get back together with me. That's all I'm saying. Some people are selfish, some people have baggage and people they talk to behind your back. If she weren't so physically beautiful, it would be a lot easier to move on. One day at a time. I am on day 5 of NC, and don't plan on breaking it. I know there is a better match out there for me, but that doesn't change the fact that I miss the hell out of her and am very hurt by her actions.
Davis Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I know, I know I need to move on. I guess I was obsessed with her physical appearance and true, she didn't have many good qualities. She's 48 with no kids and never been married for a reason. She's scared of commitment. If she was so nuts about him she wouldn't continually abandon him and get back together with me. I am on day 5 of NC, and don't plan on breaking it.. Bravo! See, once you look past her appearance, there's not much there. You're obsessed by her look, not by her. You can get past that once you really, really realize that's her best quality. No, bro, I don't think she's "scared of commitment", I think you're trying to rationalize her behavior. She's UNABLE to have a meaningful, intimate relationship. That's why she's unmarried with no kids. You're also right, she's too old to fix her problems. Who cares if she's nuts about him or not? The point is, YOU would have to be a NUT to keep taking her back and let her drag you through the dirt again! Save yourself the heartache, don't let her back in the future either. Good! 5 days is a start!! Soon it will be 10, 30, 60 and you will start to feel better and better. Don't go backwards and have any contact with her. Don't get yourself in a problem you don't need; no drive-bys either! Hang in there man, I can tell your starting to do better already.
Author NorCalDave Posted February 18, 2007 Author Posted February 18, 2007 Thanks Davis. I am sick as a dog right now, and it's killing me knowing that they're together right now. I feel like I'm dying of heartache. I keep seeing pictures of her in my head, and I keep hearing things she'd say. Why does this have to suck so bad? Why is it so easy for her to see me and not want more? Last week when we were hanging out as friends, she seemed just fine and able to distance herself and accept the new "friendly" nature of our relationship. Maybe because she knew he was coming into town and now she's not lonely anymore. Well, I'm gonna Nyquil and crash. This sucks.
Davis Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 Hang in there. It does get easier. Just try to stay busy and be with someone as much as possible. Try to stop your mind from "seeing" her. Right now when I think of my ex I say "fck that b**tch". You'll get to that point too. Looking back with more clarity, my ex was really a total liar and a headcase. Makes me wonder if she's bi-polar. Oh well. As many have told me on here, "BE GLAD SHE'S HIS PROBLEM NOW!!". You know it's no good for you to be "friends" right now, so don't go back to that either. Who knows if it's easy for her ... and who really cares. It's about you feeling better and moving forward. As hard as it is, stop trying to question everything about her and your relationship. You know, stop asking yourself "what if..." Stay away from alcohol if you drink, it just makes it worse. I guess you could go to your Dr. and get some anti-depressants and/or Xanex if he thinks it's warranted. It might help.
Author NorCalDave Posted February 18, 2007 Author Posted February 18, 2007 Ouch Davis! I saw her at church today and it was unbelievably great!! Damn! I went and sat by myself and she found me and motioned for me to come sit with her and her nieces and nephew. I did. And when church got out and we talked over coffee, she started crying and said how good it was to see me. She complimented my shirt, gave me a kiss and hug, and I gave her a late V-Day gift(a couple carnations, a card, and a CD). Then we split and said "Have a great day" to each other. Sundays are usually spent with us together, but since her ex is for some reason staying at her place for a few nights, she couldn't ask me to do anything and I didn't ask her. When I looked into her eyes and she started crying, I still saw a lot of love. She said she wants me to go with her on a church planned trip to Costa Rica in July. We were going to go as a couple and stay in the same room, but now she still wants me to go, but we'll probably get our own suites. I am torn on whether to go or not. If I can maintain NC until July, it might be really cool to see her again and be in a totally new awesome beautiful place like Costa Rica. I don't know. She said "You going to church Wednesday?" And I replied, "You know it." It was great to see her but my 5 days of NC...broken!
Davis Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Bro! It's done now, but I wouldn't have gone and sat with her nor had coffee. NC means no contact and no communication. If it were me, I would have nodded in Church and left early without looking at her again. Of course it was nice to see her; and now you're sucked in again. You gave her late VD gifts?! No offense man, but I wanted to come through the computer and sock you. Don't be a pussy. Where's your pride and dignity? She's ok with the situation because she was the one that left. Sure she has feelings for you. But she has less feelings than you do for her for sure. Now you feel good about seeing her and the fantasy of it working out with her is back alive. She was happy because she feels less guilty. Not that she's trying to do this, but you are inadvertently going to get walked on and continue to get hurt. Did you fall and bump your head?!? Go to Costa Rica where she's going? What are you thinking? By then you should have found someone else and moved on. Even if you haven't, I sure as hell would not go. You'd be better off doing Club Med by yourself and trying to hook up. No, I wouldn't go to church Wed night. If I were you I would go at times when you know she's not there or go to a different church for a while if you can. Sorry to be so harsh with you, but you're back, at least, to square one. I think you were more on like day 7. This relationship with her is not going to work because of the age difference and her other issues. You're not getting it; you have to do complete NC, stop the fantasy and move on with you life. You're only fooling and hurting yourself more. Move forward bro!!
Author NorCalDave Posted February 19, 2007 Author Posted February 19, 2007 I know Davis, I feel stupid now that I think about yesterday. I feel like a pussy, although at the time I thought, "She'll see how sweet I am". She doesn't care, like you said she was the one that left, so it's not a big deal for her to motion for me to sit down with her family. I just made myself look weak. Late VD gifts? When she spent VD w/ her ex? What the hell am I thinking? Absolutely ridiculous. And now I am considering going to Costa Rica? I am only setting myself up for further heartbreak. I feel like a fool, I never should have gone and sat with her and her family. And I shouldn't keep "running into her" at church either. It's like, I have this need to see her, so I go when I know she'll go. But it's not like seeing her for an hour is going to make me feel better. It just makes me want her more. And in fact, I've been doing a lot of processing, and it's apparent that I was always giving, giving, giving, and never getting anything in return but a broken heart. Those gifts are the last she gets from me. The only way I should ever talk to her again is if she comes knocking on my door saying, "I'd like another chance, I am ready to commit." But she is not going to say that and I have to realize that. She's too old for me no matter how much I try to rationalize it, and too unhealthy to ever have a committed, fulfilling relationship. And this is the 2nd time she's broken my heart. I know I need to move on. It's hard though. I know what I need to do. The challenge is putting it into action. It's not that easy though, because I just miss being around her, we were best friends for 5 straight months.
Trialbyfire Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 She's a bad addiction. Stop it. Drugs are not good for you.
Author NorCalDave Posted February 19, 2007 Author Posted February 19, 2007 Hang in there. It does get easier. Just try to stay busy and be with someone as much as possible. Try to stop your mind from "seeing" her. Right now when I think of my ex I say "fck that b**tch". You'll get to that point too. Looking back with more clarity, my ex was really a total liar and a headcase. Makes me wonder if she's bi-polar. Oh well. As many have told me on here, "BE GLAD SHE'S HIS PROBLEM NOW!!". You know it's no good for you to be "friends" right now, so don't go back to that either. Who knows if it's easy for her ... and who really cares. It's about you feeling better and moving forward. As hard as it is, stop trying to question everything about her and your relationship. You know, stop asking yourself "what if..." Stay away from alcohol if you drink, it just makes it worse. I guess you could go to your Dr. and get some anti-depressants and/or Xanex if he thinks it's warranted. It might help. Davis, my ex was a complete headcase too. She had A.D.D., she was an alcoholic for 10 years, and was/is very codependent with her ex, and probably me a little. She didn't so much lie to me as much as "not tell me" that she was talking to her ex behind my back. I never questioned her or invaded her privacy. I always trusted her and assumed she was done talking to him. But then she would tell me how he called her, and they talked, and she made it seem like he was bugging her, but all she has to do is NOT ANSWER, right? How hard is it? Also, she wore his engagement ring he bought for her on her right ring finger. She said, "It's a beautiful rock, why should I have to give it back?" But to me that was symbolic that she was kind of keeping him as a fallback plan. And she never moved out of their old place, nor did she ever change her phone number. And a couple times we'd be talking, and she would accidently call me "Jim". She'd apologize but how can you apologize for calling the person you're dating your ex's name? It was obvious that she was talking to him during our relationship yet she kept seeing me because I would just shower her with love and attention. It worked great for her, because she had the best of both worlds. Attention from her ex, attention from her young boyfriend, and hey, neither of them know about each other! She was selfish, and only thought of herself. Davis, what was your ex like? Sounds like our ex's might be similar? And how long did it take you to turn to the "anger" stage?
Davis Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Hey NorCal. It's done now, so no point beating yourself up too much. At least in retropect you understand that you were being a doormat. It should give you motivation not to behave like that anymore though. I was concerned that when I read you post today I was going to get an earful from you for being such a prick and read a post of you in denial. Glad to see that wasn't the case. Sounds like you're really starting to see reality. Of course you're going to miss her, that's normal. I know it hurts and it sucks, but it is the best for you in the long run and you will be happier. Good to see you're making progress and realizing you have to move forward. Back to NC bro ... and no more "Church" run-ins, you'll be the loser.
Davis Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Davis, my ex was a complete headcase too. She had A.D.D., she was an alcoholic for 10 years, and was/is very codependent with her ex, and probably me a little. She didn't so much lie to me as much as "not tell me" that she was talking to her ex behind my back. I never questioned her or invaded her privacy. I always trusted her and assumed she was done talking to him. she wore his engagement ring he bought for her on her right ring finger. She said, "It's a beautiful rock, why should I have to give it back?" Davis, what was your ex like? Sounds like our ex's might be similar? And how long did it take you to turn to the "anger" stage? 1. Ha! That makes her a great choice!! You never told me that about her, that should have told you to RUN!! That should tell you to RUN NOW!! 2. Bro. That is lying. It is call "lying by omission". It is lying, plain and simple. It is concealing the truth. Realtors can get into trouble "omitting" details about a property if they knew or should have know the truth. 3. Never questioned "her privacy". Don't be dumb. I've learned that is a mistake. Don't do that again with the next one. Never assume that you can trust them in the beginning and never assume they're not talking to their exes. Always ask questions. Even if they lie, you can probably get some idea of what is going on. 4. She wore his ring? Yes, that should have told you EVERYTHING!! Her excuse was lame BS. That should have told you she was still emotionally connected, regardless of her "claims". 5. My ex? As I probably said on here, she has drinking issues. She's not a straight up alcoholic, but drinking and occasional binge drinking issues and all the issue surround that behavior were there with her. When I told her I was going to quit drinking that didn't settle well with her (not that I was even drinking heavily or that often). She wanted a drinking buddy and sure as hell did not want to look at any drinking issue or problems that she had. Along with that problem goes instant infatuation, relationship and co dependency. That's one reason she "jumps" from one guy to the next before ending one relationship. Remember: people with drinking problems are UNABLE to have intimate, meaningful relationship. Obviously including your ex and mine. My ex lied to me directly, indirectly and by omission. I caught her in tons of lies. Even when she knew I knew the truth she would deny it. A cheater, by fact, is liar. Often liars are cheaters. I learned that pretty much everything that came out of her mouth was a lie.
cityboy Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 I swear, Davis, you and I dated the same girl. Truly bizarre. She used to say she "didn't trust" people who didn't drink, and wanted nothing to do with them. She would get mad at me for saying that being out drunk until 4am on a work night isn't a good idea, and that I basically wasn't any fun.
Davis Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I swear, Davis, you and I dated the same girl. Truly bizarre. She used to say she "didn't trust" people who didn't drink, and wanted nothing to do with them. She would get mad at me for saying that being out drunk until 4am on a work night isn't a good idea, and that I basically wasn't any fun. Haha! No Cityboy, I'm sure it was not the same girl! It's just this type of girl has very similar characteristic because of their problems. Well, mine used to say she "detested" cheaters because her Dad always cheated on her Mom. Ha!! She detests them so much she became one?? Oh, and she hates liars. She hates when her children try to lie. She will not put up with lying. Ha! Is that why she lied to my face, concealed the truth, omitted the truth and twisted the truth?? By the way, you are NO FUN!
Author NorCalDave Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 Davis, the more time that passes the more I see what a "beautiful disaster" she was. The ex's ring on her right hand, the codependency, the lack of intimacy, never wanting to be touched, still contacting the ex behind my back, pushing me away, pulling me in, manipulating me... I am waking up to it all and it feels great to see it for what it was..a one-sided unhealthy debacle of a relationship! I've listed all the pro's and cons about her, and there are nothing but cons. Yes she is glaringly beautiful and sexy,and looks great for her age, but she never wanted sex, for hormonal or past issues that scarred her, she can't have kids and I want them, she just used me because I was there and convenient, and she really isn't the type to bring home to mom, no matter how bad I wanted her to be. I feel so great about how I acted in the relationship. I gave my heart and have no regrets. I learned alot. If she can't handle love or intimacy, or being touched, that's not my fault or problem! Really, losing me is completey her loss and someone else's gain. I look forward to being completely happy by myself, and not needing her negative presence to make me feel secure. She can miss me and deal with her own codependent miserable negative life. And really, I don't care if she misses me or not, even though I know she will. I guess it takes time, but I've been through all the stages of denial, bargaining, depression, anger, and finally acceptance. I feel the best I've felt in a while. I still feel a smidge of anger, but mostly empathy for her because she's digressing back to her ex...can't be healthy at all! I saw her at her work last night and I looked great and happy and she looked old and miserable and I rubbed it in that I know she's still seeing her ex and completely codependent and she admitted it much like an alcoholic would admit they're still drinking. It was great! Absolutely empowering. I walked away feeling great for once. Usually she has me wrapped around her finger and desperate and powerless. Anyways, thanks Davis, but for some reason I feel great today!! I feel like the one that broke up with her!!
Davis Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Whenever you back-slide, keep that in mind, in a way you broke up with her. When I feel down or angry I remind myself of my ex's problem and that I was the one that walked. She is not the type of person that I want to be with. It is empowering. Glad you had a positive interaction. You'll go up and down, but you're doing way better! Hang in there!
Author NorCalDave Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 Yeah maybe I won't always feel so powerful, especially the lonely days and when I think of things that remind me of her. But I will just list those "cons" in my head again, and remind myself that being alone is better than being with her, no matter how nice her body is or how pretty she is. It's what's on the inside that matters, and her inside is a mess! I just have to remember that and not look back!
Davis Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 Hey NorCal. It's the weekend! Go have some fun! Make sure you go out both nights even if you don't want to!! Bro, you're a young guy. You should be out hitting up some hot 23 year olds!! I wish I was your age! You've got the whole range to work: 20-35!! I think you'll get your mind off things some more if you go out where there are some hotties!! Good luck!
Author NorCalDave Posted February 24, 2007 Author Posted February 24, 2007 Thanks Davis, I plan on doing that. It definitely feels good to go out, but today, I must admit, I had a hard time missing her. I woke up, looked out the window, saw how beautiful of a Friday it was, and I wanted so bad to call her and make plans for the evening, much like I'd normally do when we were together. I became slightly depressed when I realized I couldn't call her. I went through today thinking about her and wondering what she is up to. I knew there'd be days like this. Friday's and Sundays. Those were our days. I know she's unhealthy, I know she isn't the one for me, I know she is talking to her ex right now. I know all this, yet I still yearn to talk with and see her. I went to the gym after work, and couldn't help but hope that she'd be there. So, yes, today the rollercoaster continues. Thanks for calling 28 young! You know, I have met younger girls and most of them seem so retarded. Hot, but retarded. I know there's good girls out there, it's just a matter of time before I find one. But, do you ever have "relapse" days where you totally want to contact your ex? Just to hear her voice and see her again? Do you think she has these kind of withdrawals over me once in a while too? I don't like breakups, I wish there were some way of keeping ex's in our lives somehow. There were certain things about her that I know I'll never find in another girl. I just have to keep telling myself, she's bad for me, she's bad for me, she's bad for me....
cityboy Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 I don't like breakups, I wish there were some way of keeping ex's in our lives somehow. There were certain things about her that I know I'll never find in another girl. I just have to keep telling myself, she's bad for me, she's bad for me, she's bad for me.... You just answered your own question. You want to know as many women as possible, and that's - kind of - a beautiful thing. That means you are young. Enjoy it - I'm still young at 36. Trust me. You have time. Point is, you're so into every single one of these girls. That means you haven't found the one. Be patient, have fun.
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