It's all been said before

[Guest]

I've been reading through the site and searching for something that relates to my situation, and possibly something to make me feel a little better. While the common threads are all the same I find myself in a situation of being with a MM for the second time in my life...in fact the two most important relationships in my life have been with MM. The first, I was 22, he was 31, our relationship has lasted almost ten years and we still meet up about once a week for what, I am not exactly sure, I guess neither on of us wants to "pull the trigger", but it's emotionally over.

 

About 4 months ago, I was asked to go out casually by a customer, who had been coming to my bar for about a year. He never said much. Good customer, great tipper, never gave it much thought, although I could tell he was interested. He once, in passing mentioned that we should have some drinks (didn't wear a ring), but I didn't take him seriously, and he now reminds me of that day I blew him off constantly. Anyhow, I went out with him that night 4 months ago and have been involved in this rollercoaster of a relationship ever since.

 

The sad part of all of this is that I am completely and madly in love with him, and him with me. We are in constant contact, but we see each other only 2-3 times per week, one night being entirely mine. The problem here is that I did not learn from my past mistakes, I did it again even after i knew it would only end in tears for me (which I have been reduced to on several occasions). He is miserable at home, with her, but his kids are his world. He has said that he did not intend for this as he never thought I would actually accept his invitation in the first place.

 

But now we are here and I am a prisoner. I try to not talk to him, I have no willpower when it comes to him. We have the most amazing conversations, we laugh until it hurts, sexually, he and I are the most compatible I've ever had, we think the same...It sometimes makes me sick! Just looking for some words of wisdom, maybe someone has gone through this for a second time and can explain why I continually sabotage myself...I don't know...just wanted to talk about it! Thanks.