McFadden Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 It's the day after VD and I feel so damn good today, despite ongoing drama with my situation. I hope everyone who was upset on VD feels better today. Anyway I posted this other thread dealing with my ex boyfriend who insists on 'chatting' and being 'friends' constantly rubbing himself in my face (metaphorically.) I decided to start distancing myself. I never initiate contact anymore, I don't stop him from contacting me but I keep conversations brief. But it's not working, he talks all of the time and pops up everywhere. He has probably convinced himself that "she is just busy, she has no problem with me." SO I WANT TO OFFICIALLY NC. I'm just too much of a wimp to make an announcement requesting it. Since the breakup was now almost a month ago, isn't it like kind of late to announce that I want No Contact, especially since he thinks nothing is wrong? I'm not afriad of hurting his feelings (he broke up with me.) It just feels awkward asking him not to Contact me, it's so Dr Phil. I probably couldn't even say it with a straight face, and I don't want to deal with insults, screams, and other assorted expressions of dissatisfaction with the scenario from him. He will just be like "why?" and "why now?" and I have no answers. I guess I will just use the Drop Off The Face Of The Earth (DOFOE) method. It's going to run next to impossible in our situation, and will inevitably involve acts of running, jumping, ducking, hiding, and missing out on social gatherings. But I can. I resolve firmly not to break NC. But is it uncouth to NC without an explanation? I'm afraid of permenantly closing the door on future interactions.
sb129 Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 You shouldn't have to announce or request NC- because that is contacting him. Just don't contact him. Don't reply to his messages or calls. He will soon get the message.
ManinGrey Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Yes, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Go NC until you feel ready being around him again- if he geninuely likes you as a friend or otherwise, he'll be happy to see you around again when you come back.
Davis Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 I don't stop him from contacting me but I keep conversations brief. But it's not working. I resolve firmly not to break NC. But is it uncouth to NC without an explanation? I'm afraid of permenantly closing the door on future interactions. McFadden. No contact means no communication!! You don't have to answer his calls or respond. You say you resolve not to break NC, but that's what you are doing my talking with him. No, it is not uncouth to go NC. You're afraid of "closing the door on future interactions"? Doesn't sound like you're moving on with your life. So. NC and no talking. Just drop off the edge of the earth.
Author McFadden Posted February 15, 2007 Author Posted February 15, 2007 To clear up the last post I meant I resolve not to break NC in the future. NC began only just began on on Sunday morning after a brief conversation. I have not replied to or interacted with him since then. On Tuesday morning he messaged me again to ask what was up and I didn't reply. I guess he finally got the idea that I don't want to talk to him because all week since then he has looked expectantly at me every time I see him but has not approached or said anything. I couldn't handle this anymore today and stayed home. I thought this was what I wanted (or was supposed to want) but I don't see how this is helping with anything. I feel worse than when we were talking as friends, although I was complaining about that at the time.
Davis Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 McFadden: It might feel worse right now, but it will be the best for you in the long run. Look at it this way: now your leg is in a cast. You will start healing. That's a lot better than having a broken leg and continuing and continuing to walk on it like you were doing. Hang in there!
Author McFadden Posted February 15, 2007 Author Posted February 15, 2007 Anyway no one else thinks it's wierd to be friendly for a month, acting as if there are no issues, THEN silently and reticently drop off the face of the earth?
Davis Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Anyway no one else thinks it's wierd to be friendly for a month, acting as if there are no issues, THEN silently and reticently drop off the face of the earth? Hey Girl! Sounds like you're feeling guilty or still hanging on to hope of working it out. Does it matter if it's weird if that's what is best for you? To answer your question: no, I don't think it's weird. He knows you're broken up. What does he expect?? That you're going to act like nothing has changed? I guess you can continue to be "friendly" if you want, but I really don't think that's going to help you move forward.
bubbalump Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Hey! Actually my ex and I were friends for a month after she broke it off with me. During that month she intiated all contact with me. But for me it was too hard to pretend to be friendly when i still loved her. I did tell her not to contact me and its been NC ever since. I see no problem with telling him that you made an effort as friends, but its just too hard, or doesnt feel right for you.
ratingsguy Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 You shouldn't have to announce ... NC- because that is contacting him. I disagree. If you commit to going NC, it's only fair that you tell the other party IMHO. Plus, it gives you one last opportunity to get all your feelings off your chest before never speaking again.... something that I think is extremely important. If you go NC without being able to speak your peace, you may regret it. Besides, it is the courteous thing to do... even if that person doesn't deserve courtesy... you're being the bigger person. But once that's done and you're in NC, stick to all with everything you have! Delete his number from your cell phone. Take him off your buddy list. Take everything in your home that reminds you of him and put it in a box and hide it somewhere. And if he tries to contact you... do your best to ignore it (that's the toughest part). You can do it! If you're feeling weak, we'll be here to support you. I like the broken leg analogy... that works for me. (Currently in day 12 of NC)
Author McFadden Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 Thanks everyone for input. I agree in principle about informing the other person as the righteous move. The problem is that... it's just hard to cut things off with such finality, even though that's better than leaving it up in the air. bubbalump: saying "I made an effort to be friends but it doesn't feel right for me" seems like a good thing to say, if I do end up telling him anything. That's how I was feeling but I didn't think of how to put it in words so concisely. However I should have said it earlier because now I feel that I have several days of NC behind me and he has finally started to back off from contacting me a little bit. If I say anything it sets it all back to Sunday. So I am going to leave it alone until if/when he specifically asks me why I'm not speaking to him. all he does right now is message to say "wassup" and "hows it going," so I ignore it. If he were that concerned he'd ask.
sb129 Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 On reading the other posts, I am revising my opinion. I think Bubbalump is right too. My most recent experience of NC was because it got very nasty, and I had to just ignore everything my ex did/said- yours sounds like he is being reasonably civil, so yes you should say "being friends isn't working out for me right now".
Davis Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Hi McFadden. I think you have to stay with NC and no explanation. Above all, it's what is best for you. I don't think you owe him any "courtesy" or that it would make you the bigger person. It may actually make you look pathetic. I truely believe that NC without an explanation is the best for you. Look you have already been doing better and he's backed off. You even understand that. I don't think there's anything to be gained by telling him you're going to do NC. The purpose of immediate NC is for you; to help you put a quicker end to your pain so that you can start healing and moving forward. I doubt there's anything new or important that either of you have to say to each other and it will likely make you feel worse and take you back to square one. Hang in there girl, you're doing well!!
ratingsguy Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Hi McFadden. I think you have to stay with NC and no explanation. Above all, it's what is best for you. I don't think you owe him any "courtesy" or that it would make you the bigger person. It may actually make you look pathetic. I don't think so at all. If I were in the other person's shoes, I'd want to know why she disappeared. You don't have to meet him... just send a quick note telling him how you feel, and since you're already in NC, ingore the response. I think you'd regret later not being able to tell him exactly why you've gone NC. Plus, it's the right thing to do IMHO. Then begin strict NC. It kind of reminds me of some of the girls I would take out on a date. I'd call and leave a message thanking them for the date a couple days later, and then I would never hear from them again. That always rubbed me the wrong way. At least have the courtesy to say, "thanks, I had a good time, but I don't think we'll work out." I think the same thing kind of applies here, even if you were treated poorly.
Author McFadden Posted February 17, 2007 Author Posted February 17, 2007 Well, the make a courtesy announcement vs. drop off the edge of the earth debate has been solved, at least for me. Going NC without an announcement was, without a doubt, the worst move I have ever made in this relationship. He turned into psycho, check out my other thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t112665/ Lifes a mess. I know he has no right, but I still feel that if I had handled things differently... So my advice to anyone is, if youre planning to go NC and the other person does not know where you're coming from, leave a note at least, get your feelings off your chest and let them know what is going to happen and why.
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