Izzar Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Its not a matter of invading someone else's life, as in the OW invading the MM's life. Many times the MM comes seeks out a person to talk with and laugh. The MM does not want to screw around on his wife nor does he plan to get a divorce however he knows that his marriage is just not good any more, lacking companionship and sex. What should he do??? What should the husband do? I say, When in doubt, DON'T!
norajane Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Its not a matter of invading someone else's life, as in the OW invading the MM's life. Many times the MM comes seeks out a person to talk with and laugh. The MM does not want to screw around on his wife nor does he plan to get a divorce however he knows that his marriage is just not good any more, lacking companionship and sex. What should he do??? He should talk to his wife, express his feelings, get them into marriage counseling, find out WHY he and his wife are no longer happy together, work on those issues, and devote his energy to reconnecting with his wife. Seeking other women out for companionship and sex is not a reasonable or honorable response to a troubled marriage. Making a marriage commitment means sticking around to work through the difficult times, not running off to somebody else.
precious1357 Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Oh, that's not always true. Sometimes things just happen, you can just put everyone's situation in a big bowl and call them no good. People fall in love or at least they find out they just want to be happy. That's not fair.
precious1357 Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Seeking counseling is ideal however some relationship do fizzle out over time. Come on be realistic and he is not seeking sex with other people, it just happened with one right person.
precious1357 Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Generally, lots of single women have low self-esteem. Loneliness can bring that on along with all of your friends are married, plus age, divorce, death, all of which adds to the pot of low self-esteem stew. I have normal self-esteem however I happen to love someone who is married. I have no plans on invading his life or ask him to leave his wife, I will ride it out until its over. This will never last as long as he's married. I will get myself back in control soon but he loves me and is very sweet. I am over 50 years with three grown children and he is also. We love each other, plain and simply.
norajane Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Seeking counseling is ideal however some relationship do fizzle out over time. Come on be realistic and he is not seeking sex with other people, it just happened with one right person. If the MM doesn't even try to fix his marriage, then he is abandoning his commitment. If the marriage has "fizzled" so much that he doesn't believe it can be salvaged and seeks sex and companionship outside of his marriage, then why is he so opposed to divorce? How is adultery more honorable than divorce? He is putting the OW in a very bad position, he is lying to and cheating on his wife - how is he doing anything honorable for either woman? He is, in fact, not. How is an OW who is participating in adultery with a MM doing anything but setting herself up to be a side dish in someone else's life?
silktricks Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 comes home at 4am all the time even after I told her that was unacceptable still? I gave her the chance to prove it...but she wouldn't because she hasn't been faithful. so. what are your plans for the future? The point is that your are obsessing about the past. (And hey, I'm not preaching here - I obsessed for a couple of years myself) But - what's next? After the obsessing is over, are you planning on a happy marriage, a divorce, perpetual anger? What's your plan for the future?
silktricks Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Its not a matter of invading someone else's life, as in the OW invading the MM's life. Many times the MM comes seeks out a person to talk with and laugh. The MM does not want to screw around on his wife nor does he plan to get a divorce however he knows that his marriage is just not good any more, lacking companionship and sex. What should he do??? He should have a good frank talk with this wife. Get in marriage counseling, and fix things. If they aren't fixable, then he should get a divorce and let them BOTH move on - not just find (or use) a substitute that gets him by. And what if as you say the MM doesn't want to screw around on his wife. Just wants someone to talk with and laugh. What does the woman friend in this instance want? Does SHE want to just have a friend, a buddy to laugh with? What if she wants more? What if at that point she makes it clear that she wants him as more than a friend? What happens next? Who's fault is it then?
Island Girl Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 And what if as you say the MM doesn't want to screw around on his wife. Just wants someone to talk with and laugh. What does the woman friend in this instance want? Does SHE want to just have a friend, a buddy to laugh with? Then those two people are entering into the dangerous realm of a VERY possible emotional affair. Just as bad if not sometimes worse... What if she wants more? What if at that point she makes it clear that she wants him as more than a friend? What happens next? Who's fault is it then? If they end up sleeping together as ALWAYS they are BOTH at fault.
Salicious Crumb Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 still? Nope...she no longer does that. She knows the consequences for doing it ever again. so. what are your plans for the future? dont' know,.....its still too early to tell. Its only been six months. It is up to her and how she acts. I may divorce her over this...but I feel I have an obligation to my kids and their future to see what happens. But if partying is more important to her than her family and her kids future, then it will be HER that is responsible for destroying their future. But it will still tear me up inside to know I won't be able to do anything for them if we get divorced. But I am prepared to do so. The point is that your are obsessing about the past. (And hey, I'm not preaching here - I obsessed for a couple of years myself) No, because her past made me see the light about what she has done in the last few years. Her past made me realize that I cannot trust her anymore. Will I trust her again?...that is up to her....maybe I can...but it won't be 100%...that is for sure.
yousaveme Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 How can you have a future with someone that you dont trust. I dont understand that. And forgiving is up to you to do not her. I am sure she knows what she did was wrong. But what is the point of hanging it over her head? Sounds like you are punishing her until you are ready to divorce her. Everyone has a past its up to the both of you if you want a future. No, because her past made me see the light about what she has done in the last few years. Her past made me realize that I cannot trust her anymore. Will I trust her again?...that is up to her....maybe I can...but it won't be 100%...that is for sure.
Salicious Crumb Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 How can you have a future with someone that you dont trust. I dont understand that. I don't know how much truth there is to it, but even someone in here said their therapist said 100% trust is not possible. If someone has one teeny weeny doubt that it could happen again, even if that thought rarely pops into their head, then its not 100% trust. In my opinion, you can never full gain 100% back from someone that has betrayed you. Like the other poster said...maybe 95%....99%. And forgiving is up to you to do not her. Me forgiving her is FULLY dependant on HER actions from here on out. I am sure she knows what she did was wrong. But what is the point of hanging it over her head? Sounds like you are punishing her until you are ready to divorce her. I'm not going to let her forget what she did if she thinks she can slip back into the nightlife partying with her friends...that is for sure. And it should hang over her head from here on out...not that I have to point it out to her. I will have to live the rest of my life with what she has done to me....is she suppose to be the one to be able to completely forget while it still pops in my mind here and there? Everyone has a past its up to the both of you if you want a future. I have a past...but it NEVER including cheating on her or anyone else. It would have NEVER EVER crossed my mind to betray a woman that was everything to me.
whichwayisup Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Her past made me realize that I cannot trust her anymore. Will I trust her again?...that is up to her....maybe I can...but it won't be 100%...that is for sure. Yes, that is up to her to a certain point. In time, once she proves she is trustworthy again and doesn't let you down, hurt or cheat on you - Then it is up to you to trust her as much as you can and really focus on being her husband, her friend and her lover. As you said, it's only been 6 months so ofcourse she needs to deal with the consquences of her choices and if that means giving up going out with the gals to a bar or go dancing, so be it.
precious1357 Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Some people only want friendship, just to laugh and have a good time, sometimes things go further and sometimes they do not. Sex is not always the one and only thing in the world. Good grief, get a grip, people need to learn about friendship.
Sevenmack Posted March 1, 2007 Posted March 1, 2007 Norajane said: How is an OW who is participating in adultery with a MM doing anything but setting herself up to be a side dish in someone else's life? Exactly. She's a f--k-around and nothing more. This isn't 17th century France, where a Madame DuBarry has an exalted status in the court of her king and the queen is merely a babymaker with a crown. This is 21st-century America, where the other woman is usually hidden from the view of her lover's friends and family. Except in the recesses of her deluded mind. And in all honesty, who cares about the self-esteem of the other woman? Really. She chose to be with a man -- or in the case of a man, a woman -- who has never been interested in her as anything more than a receptacle for him to bust his nut and occasionally, have some company. A low self-esteem is exactly what she deserves in such a situation (and it's also true for the married partner involved with her).
frannie Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 This isn't 17th century France, where a Madame DuBarry has an exalted status in the court of her king and the queen is merely a babymaker with a crown. This is 21st-century America, where the other woman is usually hidden from the view of her lover's friends and family. Except in the recesses of her deluded mind. Actually this is also 21st-century UK, where the future king just married his long-term mistress and true love of his life but I take your point.
outofdarkness Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Actually this is also 21st-century UK, where the future king just married his long-term mistress and true love of his life but I take your point. lol..this was a good post..thanks!
rdnkgrl31 Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 I have to say, I do not have a low self-esteem at all. Quite honestly, I just wish that I would have met this man years ago. We are very compatible, other than he is married. I NEVER intended to get into this situation. I have also had a good relationship, w/ someone who was just not the one for me. Like someone said earlier, this is the man that I would have built for myself if I could have. I also believe that everything happens for a reason.
Virgo1982 Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 I have come to the belief that a OW has very low self-esteem and has never had a healthy relationship in her life. The OW is always questioning the intentions of the MM. Even though the intentions are right in front of their face. But anyway. The OW is always struggling whether they are good enough. And not one OW that I have read has been in a healthy relationship. So my question to all of you is this. What do you get out of invading someone elses life ? I respect your opinion .On the other hand, I am forced to wonder why a thread I started-similar to yours-was removed from the forum. I wondered the same about BS who allow their husbands to lead double lives, but LoveShack did not appreciate it. Seems to be a double standard when it comes to the OW and BS.
Chapter2 Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 Oh this is nothing as far as double standards go Virgo... the most blatant double standard on LS (IMO) is this thread.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t115062/ then you go to this thread.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t115576/ to find some of the same posters stating the exact opposite. It's an epidemic here on LS. All the same posters custom fitting their position in order to justify how their relationship is "different"... There are the usual suspects on LS that contradict themselves over and over and over again and then get absolutely livid and indignant when you call them on it. They immediately tell you why their reasoning "fits" on one thread but not another. It's as entertaining as any Lifetime movie...I must admit! I respect your opinion .On the other hand, I am forced to wonder why a thread I started-similar to yours-was removed from the forum. I wondered the same about BS who allow their husbands to lead double lives, but LoveShack did not appreciate it. Seems to be a double standard when it comes to the OW and BS.
Virgo1982 Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 Oh this is nothing as far as double standards go Virgo... the most blatant double standard on LS (IMO) is this thread.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t115062/ then you go to this thread.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t115576/ to find some of the same posters stating the exact opposite. It's an epidemic here on LS. All the same posters custom fitting their position in order to justify how their relationship is "different"... There are the usual suspects on LS that contradict themselves over and over and over again and then get absolutely livid and indignant when you call them on it. They immediately tell you why their reasoning "fits" on one thread but not another. It's as entertaining as any Lifetime movie...I must admit! Nice to see the proof. I was being verbally assaulted for expressing a very valid point of view. I guess it's not what's being said, but who's saying it...Thanks!! :-)
Chapter2 Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 Verbal assault is the aim since they can't get to you to physically assault you;) Don't let that keep you from voicing your own truth though... given enough rope, they expose their motive every time. It's usually born out of a lot of pain, anger and sadness. Doesn't make it okay, but it's easier to understand why they are trying to tear you down when you can empathize with why they're lashing out and why protecting their position seems so "life and death". Nice to see the proof. I was being verbally assaulted for expressing a very valid point of view. I guess it's not what's being said, but who's saying it...Thanks!! :-)
Virgo1982 Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 Verbal assault is the aim since they can't get to you to physically assault you;) Don't let that keep you from voicing your own truth though... given enough rope, they expose their motive every time. It's usually born out of a lot of pain, anger and sadness. Doesn't make it okay, but it's easier to understand why they are trying to tear you down when you can empathize with why they're lashing out and why protecting their position seems so "life and death". Oh no, I didn't. I guess when I expressed how lucky I was to be free from such a man, if he were so evil (IOW, I was a lucky, trashy, whore) it was too much for some to handle. I won't back down from what I believe unless I am given a good reason to change my mind. I know how it feels to be torn, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't accept some of the blame.
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