NightStarr8 Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 I have come to the belief that a OW has very low self-esteem and has never had a healthy relationship in her life. I have very high self-esteem. Low self-esteem has never been an issue. The OW is always questioning the intentions of the MM. Even though the intentions are right in front of their face. But anyway. I never had to question his intentions, he was always upfront. The OW is always struggling whether they are good enough.Good enough for what? I think this is also a struggle wives have. For myself, it wasn't a struggle I indulged in. And not one OW that I have read has been in a healthy relationship.[/qoute] You need to do more reading. Not one betrayed spouse though has been in a healthy relationship. So my question to all of you is this. What do you get out of invading someone elses life ?I didn't invade anyone's life. I did let someone into my life.
NightStarr8 Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Thats true, it takes two...but if the OW/OM knew that their partner is married, the OW/OM ARE homewreckers along with the MM/MW they are bedding down. Yes, I'm the Carrie Nation of Homewreckers. Have a home you want wrecked? Just send me the address, I'll get over there with my trusty axe.
NightStarr8 Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 If you knowingly try to rip a married man away from his wife, yes you have self-esteems issues. Rip????? :laugh::laugh: When would we have time to rip him away from the wife's apron strings when we have a home to destroy with our trusty axes? :laugh::laugh:
Salicious Crumb Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Maybe for the same reasons that you stay with your wife: because you don't want to lose out on seeing your children every day..? You said it yourself. That's a powerful reason to stay married to someone you no longer love or care for. Works for you, why not for others..? She did this while engaged as well...only I didn't find out until years later. So if things were so bad...and we had no kids at that time..then why did she marry me? And in answer to your 'blame the BS' bs. It's just that... BS. Nope. Just because a few people (who are, incidentally, trying to help you, only you're too wrapped up in yourself to see it) have asked you to look at your own actions and attitude doesn't mean that everyone on this board blames the BS for an affair. PLENTY of people, myself included, blame an affair on the people taking part in the affair. So please desist in your accusations and finger-pointing. You're not the only one on this board in pain. Wrong again...to ask someone WHY an affair happened, if the person asking doesn't think that it is just a matter of selfishness on the cheaters part, is to say its the fault of the betrayed. I mean really...if someone treated their SO like a queen/king...didn't abuse them, loved them unconditionally, did everything for them and with them, and there was never ANY neglect...then you tell me....what else is there? So bending over backwards until your back breaks isn't enough..you have to cut your right arm off to keep someone who is suppose to love them from cheating?? Thats pretty f#cked up.
frannie Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Wrong again...to ask someone WHY an affair happened, if the person asking doesn't think that it is just a matter of selfishness on the cheaters part, is to say its the fault of the betrayed. I mean really...if someone treated their SO like a queen/king...didn't abuse them, loved them unconditionally, did everything for them and with them, and there was never ANY neglect...then you tell me....what else is there? So bending over backwards until your back breaks isn't enough..you have to cut your right arm off to keep someone who is suppose to love them from cheating?? Thats pretty f#cked up. So it's either selfishness on the part of the cheater, or a fault in the BS..? Why so..? Why not a mix of the two, or not even either extreme..? Why does everything have to be one thing OR another..? You are desperate for it not to be anything in YOU (because of how you treated her) then so it must all be in HER...? Why can't you BOTH be human... both be at fault... and no, people aren't always at fault deliberately. People make HUGE mistakes, all through their life. Sometimes out of complete ignorance or need or desire... we're human... and we make mistakes. ALL of us... But if you keep needing YOU to be right and her to be wrong... I can't see how there's going to be a future for you as a partnership... is there..? Each situation is about people being people... I don't know how to approach talking to you, but you really sound like you're hurting so badly.
NightStarr8 Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I mean really...if someone treated their SO like a queen/king...didn't abuse them, loved them unconditionally, did everything for them and with them, and there was never ANY neglect...then you tell me....what else is there? No one can do all that for another person. It's impossible not to neglect and abuse the person we love once in awhile. It's called being human. But if you are correct and made the relationship all about you meeting her needs, maybe she wanted something more balanced. Or maybe what you thought she wanted, was not at all what she wanted. You want to blame her and hold it over her head for the rest of your lives, threatening to take the kids and her home from her. That is going to be a cold and lonely life for you. You're also not showing your children relationship skills that will be useful to them as adults. Find a therapist. Fix yourself. And then decide if you want to be with her and repair your marriage.
outofdarkness Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I can see your point here and agree. As the BS you have no idea what partners your WS has been with -- especially if they don't know the OP, i.e, one night stand. In my case, it was discussed. I do not and never have slept around, never had an STD and since I knew him pretty well, I wasn't worried about it. Trust played a huge factor in the R I shared with XMM. On the flip side -- what if XMM's wife was out having her own affair? She would also be putting herself at risk, including me and her husband. I have to say this -- I hold the highest respect for you for sticking it out with your WS. He is one lucky guy to have you by his side. Yeah, that's a pretty scary though too..I mean if I were an OW, I wouldn't know at all whether or not my MM's W had been having A's...You're right too about trust playing a huge factor in ANY R...Unfortunately, my H was a serial cheater, so this was the first thing I thought of. I thought about the OW's too because he admitted to me that he had told each of them that they were the first and only. I know this is true based on what the two OW's that I DID talk to told me. It's a really scary thing for all involved. To trust someone completely is a beautiful thing, but when it's betrayed, it's so hurtful and destructive. Thanks so much for your kind compliments..I really appreciate it!
outofdarkness Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 If you knowingly try to rip a married man away from his wife, yes you have self-esteems issues. ok...I know for sure that many of these OW's do NOT know that their MM is indeed Married! To lump them all into one and say that they "knowingly rip away a MM from his W, is inaccurate...I am a BS, but sorry, I don't agree that this is the case in many A's...I think many are lied to about their marital status...
Salicious Crumb Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 People make HUGE mistakes, all through their life. Sometimes out of complete ignorance or need or desire... we're human... and we make mistakes. ALL of us... Cheating is not a mistake. It is a conscious decision a cheater makes to betray someone they claim to love. Cheaters cheat because they wanted to do it...it is NOT a mistake.
Spinderella Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I have come to the belief that a OW has very low self-esteem and has never had a healthy relationship in her life. The OW is always questioning the intentions of the MM. Even though the intentions are right in front of their face. But anyway. The OW is always struggling whether they are good enough. And not one OW that I have read has been in a healthy relationship. So my question to all of you is this. What do you get out of invading someone elses life ? It could be that the ow has low self esteem, but, there could also be any number of reasons why she chooses a relationship with a married man. It could be that she doesn't want a full time relationship and yet wants love at the same time. It really could be anything, and so generalising isnt always the best thing to do.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 No one can do all that for another person. It's impossible not to neglect and abuse the person we love once in awhile. It's called being human.. I quite agree...nobody can be everything to their SO. So giving what you just said...everyone would be justified in cheating. Given what you just wrote...I'd have a reason to go out and screw my brains out. Funny thing is...even though I wouldn't and I think she knows that, she is worried that I might do just that.
sadbuttrue Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 i think you like that she is worried about you doing it. i think you are someone who would hold that over her head.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 i think you like that she is worried about you doing it. i think you are someone who would hold that over her head. Well it is fitting justice....I have to deal with what she did to me every day...now she is worried about what i might do even though I think she knows I never will. I don't rub it in her face when she brings it up...I just tell her she knows I won't do that. I think she is just worried because she isn't the man magnet she use to be and I am changing myself for the better...not that there was anything wrong with me before.
NightStarr8 Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 I quite agree...nobody can be everything to their SO. So giving what you just said...everyone would be justified in cheating. Given what you just wrote...I'd have a reason to go out and screw my brains out. Funny thing is...even though I wouldn't and I think she knows that, she is worried that I might do just that. If you're looking for a justification to cheat, that is as good as any. What do you want from your marriage?
frannie Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 Cheating is not a mistake. It is a conscious decision a cheater makes to betray someone they claim to love. Cheaters cheat because they wanted to do it...it is NOT a mistake. I wasn't only meaning your wife (or fiancee as she was then) making a mistake. I meant the mistakes you may both have made in your relationship. Admittedly it will have got off to a bad start with her choosing not to tell you about what she did before you got married. But all the time you're talking about how you have been perfect, given her everything you think she wants and needs. And therefore she is in the wrong, and she has to pay, and behave properly now according to your rules, and if she doesn't then she's going to lose everything. She may have made a mistake (and yes, we can make mistakes deliberately... I'm not saying 'accident', but 'mistake'!), but now you are making a mistake too, and one that is equally damaging to a relationship. You may think that whatever you're doing is OK since it's not cheating on her and anyway 'she deserves it'. But that's never going to get you and her anywhere. She cheated on you, and in your mind, your current behaviour is justified. But while it may be understandable, it's certainly not good behaviour, not helpful, not making progress, vengeful, acting out of hurt and desirous to punish, totally antitheical to love, and just as damaging to all concerned as cheating ever was. But as I said... it's understandable. That doesn't make it the best course of action.
frannie Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 I quite agree...nobody can be everything to their SO. So giving what you just said...everyone would be justified in cheating. Given what you just wrote...I'd have a reason to go out and screw my brains out. Funny thing is...even though I wouldn't and I think she knows that, she is worried that I might do just that. There's a difference between understandable and justification. It's understandable that someone not getting needs met at home will fall in love, or go looking for sex, or whatever they do. That doesn't justify it. In the same way that it's understandable that you feel the way you do. It doesn't make it right or justifiable that you're acting the way you are towards others.
frannie Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 Well it is fitting justice....I have to deal with what she did to me every day...now she is worried about what i might do even though I think she knows I never will. I don't rub it in her face when she brings it up...I just tell her she knows I won't do that. I think she is just worried because she isn't the man magnet she use to be and I am changing myself for the better...not that there was anything wrong with me before. I hope you're not sharing your opinion on that with her... The way you're going you're going to lose her anyway...
Salicious Crumb Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 If you're looking for a justification to cheat, that is as good as any. What do you want from your marriage? I'm not looking for justification to cheat and I NEVER will cheat. But with the thing some here are saying...I would be justified. What do I want from my marriage?... a faithful wife.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 I wasn't only meaning your wife (or fiancee as she was then) making a mistake. I meant the mistakes you may both have made in your relationship. Admittedly it will have got off to a bad start with her choosing not to tell you about what she did before you got married. But all the time you're talking about how you have been perfect, never said I was perfect...but if perfect is what you have to be to keep someone from cheating....well damn...thats just ridiculous. If that is the case...I could have easily cheated on her since all of my needs weren't being met...but I'm not that petty. I believed in love and not cheating when things aren't exactly they way I think they should be.
yousaveme Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 One thing I have learned is NEVER say NEVER. Things happen for a reason. Bad or good the is a reason for everything. I'm not looking for justification to cheat and I NEVER will cheat. But with the thing some here are saying...I would be justified. What do I want from my marriage?... a faithful wife.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 There's a difference between understandable and justification. It's understandable that someone not getting needs met at home will fall in love, or go looking for sex, or whatever they do. That doesn't justify it. In the same way that it's understandable that you feel the way you do. It doesn't make it right or justifiable that you're acting the way you are towards others. So if I came back to this forum and said, "well gang...I did it...over the weekend I went out with the guys...found me a hot woman and had sex with her"....you'd say...."I understand"...??
Salicious Crumb Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 I hope you're not sharing your opinion on that with her... No, I tell her that she knows I would never cheat and that I am not like that. The way you're going you're going to lose her anyway... If she doesn't change...then so be it.
Jinxx Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 So if I came back to this forum and said, "well gang...I did it...over the weekend I went out with the guys...found me a hot woman and had sex with her"....you'd say...."I understand"...?? Yup! Sure would understand! Maybe some revenge sex might straighten out that bitter attitude you're carrying around!
yousaveme Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 Revenge sex isnt the answer. It just snow balls the problem. If you want to work in out. Go to MC and work on it everyday.
frannie Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 So if I came back to this forum and said, "well gang...I did it...over the weekend I went out with the guys...found me a hot woman and had sex with her"....you'd say...."I understand"...?? Of course I'd understand. But it wouldn't make it right. Or justifiable. I think you're just reading what you want to read. Affairs aren't 'right' OR justifiable. I don't know why you're only choosing to read (and probably misinterpret..?) a few people's words... But I can't see anyone here justifying affairs... You're the one hung up on 'justifyable affairs', I think..? Everyone else is trying to talk about what you're doing, since you're the one here, not your W.
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