Baileykeg Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Well I'm just the world's biggest idiot. Here I was so sure that MM would do something...anything for me for Valentine's Day and what happened??? Nothing...zip...zero! I did get a call about 9:00 last night and I let it go to voicemail. He left a message saying "Happy Valentine's Day. Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you and hope that you are ok. I hope that we'll talk soon. I love you". Well...sorry...to little to late this time. Nothing says "you don't mean jack **** to me" more than doing NOTHING for Valentine's Day. If he "loves" me so much then he should have made some gesture yesterday. I'm so pissed off and fed up with this crap! My first reaction this morning was to email him and say "since you are coming home this weekend please bring my stuff and leave it on my porch". Then I thought....no, he's waiting for a reaction from me so I won't send the email. Then I thought....well I'll call the roommate and vent to him about how hurt I am. Then I thought....nope....that would just get back to MM and serve the same purpose if I left an email. So....I've decided to do....NOTHING. Period. No contact, no discussing it with the roommate...nothing. I'm done. If I never see my stuff again then that's ok too. I'll miss my leather jacket but I have for other colors in the closet so I think I'll survive. haha Am I just way off here for feeling like this?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 GIIRRRRLLLL! You let it go to voicemail!!! You are sooooo the bomb! Sure you felt like calling and emailing but you DIDN'T! Wow, Big Big pat on the back from me! I k now that had to be hard.
whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 I think you may have set yourself up abit - I mean, you two are in NC, he knows that...So in a way him giving you a gift IS not respecting the NC. It's okay to feel hurt and disappointed, but in all honesty, if he DID give you something, what would it have meant? You're doing the right thing by not reacting. When indoubt, do nothing! And that goes for EVERYTHING in life.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 15, 2007 Author Posted February 15, 2007 Perhaps I did set myself up. I guess I felt like since he's never respected NC by emailing, texting and calling me up to now that I figured that he'd do something for Valentine's day since he knows how much the day means to me. Obviously I was way off. I just give up now. His message (or lack of one) is clear. I've been "holding on" to the hope that one day we might be able to get past all this and move forward. He extinguished that hope last night.
NoIDidn't Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Bailey You are playing games with yourself and don't even know it. Stop it. For your own sanity. Stop it now. You are supposed to be NC with him. Why are you expecting something special from him? It doesn't matter how long you were seeing him or how much he supposedly felt for you, you broke up with him. He was thinking of you and wanted to let you know. That's not so bad. But you are expecting him to come running back to you with divorce papers. Come on!!! I wouldn't call you an idiot, though. You are human and haven't yet seen the game that you are playing. You want him to chase you. Stop it and chase yourself. You want him to show how much he wants you. Stop is and learn to want yourself. Stop making someone else responsible for you. Be responsible for yourself. Be responsible for your own happiness and worth. Regardless of the past, you are still a valuable person if to no one else but yourself. It seems like you have gone through this whole thing to force his hand. You can't control him. You have to learn to control YOU.
whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Him keeping intouch with you still, once in a while is just to check in and make sure that you still "there" and kind of waiting for him in a sense. You don't have to tell him this, but I think for your own sake, you should set an END date in your mind. Like if he isn't making ANY progress at all when it comes to getting paper work done for the divorce - You move on. In everyway.... He knows what the game is and in all honesty Bailey, if he can't walk away from his marriage, it means he still loves his wife and wants to be part of her life. I don't get what their relationship is, you say he's separated from her and they're not living together? It makes no sense why he can't let go. Hopefully soon he'll decide, but if he doesn't and things remain the same, you gotta look out for you...... He needs to seek counselling so he can figure things out.
NoIDidn't Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Bailey Stop playing this game with yourself and him. You are using NC to manipulate. He will never do enough in your eyes as long as you keep doing this. You want him to chase after you, but what about you chasing after your own self. You are supposed to be NC with him. He didn't owe you the call that you received, but he wanted you to know that he was thinking of you. No harm in that. Other than the fact that you had ulterior motives. NC is NOT a manipulative tool!!!
Freedom Now Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 My xMM sent me a Valentine email yesterday. You know what I say? BIG DEAL. Actions speak louder than words. Cut him out of your life. If he wants you, he will find you. It's really that simple. Love yourself enough to say enough is enough! LET HIM LIVE IN HIS DECISION. No action is an action in itself.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Bailey You are playing games with yourself and don't even know it. Stop it. For your own sanity. Stop it now. You are supposed to be NC with him. Why are you expecting something special from him? It doesn't matter how long you were seeing him or how much he supposedly felt for you, you broke up with him. He was thinking of you and wanted to let you know. That's not so bad. But you are expecting him to come running back to you with divorce papers. Come on!!! . Bailey, I disagree with what was written above unless I missed something. It WILL take some time for your heart to catch up with your mind, YOU are controlling your actions, controlling your feelings is a little harder. Sorry, but I think you are the absolute bomb for letting the call go to voice mail. See not once did you say, atleast he thought of me to call (after the night was mostly over). You said, he didn't do something "special" and I had hoped that he would. If I were in your shoes (which I would never be) I would have answered the call especially if I had been hoping for something more. The fact that he continues not to honor NC shows that he is more wrapped up in his own feelings than understanding yours. I'm sorry you were disappointed but you are one strong cookie for controlling your actions. NOW, next time he leaves a VM would it be possible for you to delete it before listening? I think you gave yourself the best VD gift of all, you stood up for yourself. Keep up the actions then give your heart sometime to catch up.
whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 The fact that he continues not to honor NC shows that he is more wrapped up in his own feelings than understanding yours This is exactly what B needs to hear. IF this man is going to divorce his wife, he needs time and space to figure his life, his thoughts out. Which means he is putting himself first and only considering what is best for him.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 15, 2007 Author Posted February 15, 2007 Quote: The fact that he continues not to honor NC shows that he is more wrapped up in his own feelings than understanding yours This is exactly what B needs to hear. IF this man is going to divorce his wife, he needs time and space to figure his life, his thoughts out. Which means he is putting himself first and only considering what is best for him. I agree with that and it has been his selfishness that has finally driven me to the point where I am today. I finally had to stand up for myself and put my feeling first because he wasn't doing it. That's why I broke up with him and went NC. I guess I look at the fact that "he needs time to figure his life" is that he's had almost 2 YEARS worth of time to figure things out. They've been separated that long and were so way before I came into the picture. This crap about how he needs time and space....well he's had it...for months. It's time for my feelings to matter and his actions show me that they just don't. I am trying to 100% move on from this...I'm not there yet...I admit that. Each day gets a little clearer for me. Events like the non-valentine episode only push me further towards gaining that 100% ability to not look back.
BenThereDunThat Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 I agree with everyone here Baily. Especially IWWH - HUGE high 5 for NOT picking up the phone and NOT sending the email!! Woo hoo! I know that had to be so hard. All your feelings are to be expected. I think you're doing a damn fine job of the NC. //doing a little victory dance in your honor....
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 BABY STEPS! The only way to go! Fake it til you make it. Ofcourse you still have hope, but hopefully that will eventually subside also. Good Luck!
PoshPrincess Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Aaarrgghhhhhhhhh! Bailey, I want to slap you (in the nicest possible way!!!) I DO understand, hun. As happy as I am now I am still gutted that I didn't get a V Card from exMM. Now who's the idiot?!!!! Look, you've gone NC and yet you are still angry that he hasn't sent you anything for V Day! You TOLD him not to contact you! As much as everything is messing with your head, I would imagine he is getting mixed signals from you too. I am only speaking from experience. My exMM felt like that - one minute I was going NC, the next phoning/texting him and he never knew where he was with me. I never knew myself mind you. Obviously, like you, I wanted to go NC, although because I thought it would make him reassess the sitch come back to me, not because I really wanted to end things. Well done for not speaking to him when he phoned though! I remember doing all that and I loved ignoring the phone when he called. It gave me a strange sense of power. I hated it when I didn't hear from him even though I'd told him not to contact me. He really couldn't win either way! Please keep working at it. I really regret all the times I broke NC now. I am always going to wonder what would've happened if I'd stuck to my guns in the first place. Even if he hadn't left at least I would've got over things a bit quicker rather than torturing myself for months on end!
NoIDidn't Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Hey I just looked back at this thread and saw that my first post actually did post. My connection has been dropping in and out today. Not trying to say double. And while no one seems to agree with me, I still stand by it. I understand feelings and all, but when you go NC I don't think you should expect something from that person. Glad you didn't bother contacting him about the jacket and other things today, but with all of the back and forth I imagine you might have a really weak moment and do it anyway. Not at all trying to judge you for the way you are handling this, just want you to see what you are doing to yourself. I don't expect you to forget overnight. No one does. But you are going to have to stop expecting him to make good on your demands. Give up on that hope. Expect to look after your own needs for a while. I don't see the point about harping on and on about how disrespectful he is being with breaking NC. He doesn't want it. Doesn't make it less disrespectful, but he's always done it as a way to get to you and its usually worked for him. He's just continuing with what you have responded to in the past. And that's just it. If you want a change in this, you will need to not respond. No matter what he does. But expecting something while you are practicing not responding just defeats the purpose. Let go of the hope. Its keeping you in a holding pattern.
whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 I guess I look at the fact that "he needs time to figure his life" is that he's had almost 2 YEARS worth of time to figure things out. They've been separated that long and were so way before I came into the picture. This crap about how he needs time and space....well he's had it...for months. It's time for my feelings to matter and his actions show me that they just don't. Yes, he's had a long time to figure it out, but now, with you NOT being in his daily life by doing NC, he now can get a taste of how life will be with you NOT in it. He'll either sh.it or get off the pot. If he does nothing, then he's obviously happy enough (or too scared/lazy) to DO any changes. That's HIS loss, not yours. Now, what you need to work on, is living your life without him in it. Thinking of him less, worrying about him less..
kymberann Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Wow such strength! You can do this. The only reason he called is to keep you guessing and hanging on! Perhaps he expected that you would expect some thing from him. Don't let him win this one, or the next or the next! Find your sanity and let him go! Best!
Author Baileykeg Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 Thanks everyone for your support. Today is day 16 of NC (not counting the one phone call that we had last Sunday). I never responded to MM's valentine's day message and I'm doing ok. He's coming to town this weekend but I do not expect to see him. It's hard knowing that he will be home this weekend spending time with his family and that I can't be there with him. I plan to stay busy and not contact him. Next weekend is when we will both be out of town in the same city. He knows that I will be there but doesn't know where I am staying. It will be hard then too but I plan to stay strong. I haven't talked to the roommate in a few days and it's helped me a lot to not know what is going on with MM. I miss him terribly but that doesn't change why we are where we are today.
PoshPrincess Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Thanks everyone for your support. Today is day 16 of NC (not counting the one phone call that we had last Sunday). I never responded to MM's valentine's day message and I'm doing ok. He's coming to town this weekend but I do not expect to see him. It's hard knowing that he will be home this weekend spending time with his family and that I can't be there with him. I plan to stay busy and not contact him. Next weekend is when we will both be out of town in the same city. He knows that I will be there but doesn't know where I am staying. It will be hard then too but I plan to stay strong. I haven't talked to the roommate in a few days and it's helped me a lot to not know what is going on with MM. I miss him terribly but that doesn't change why we are where we are today. Well done Bailey! All the best for the weekend. We know you can do it!
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