Guest Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Wow, I am so glad I found this forum. I am hoping that you can all give me some much needed advice. I've been married 10 years to a WORKaholic. We have three children. The kids and I take a back seat to his work, clients, phonecalls and paperwork on a daily basis. We have one child who has special needs and life has been tough for us. About 5 years ago, I met and had an affair with a younger man. He was fun to be with, made me laugh, and I felt important (something I had not felt in a long time). I felt alive again, not dead and sad inside. I got pregnant and had a baby boy. I wanted to leave while I was pregnant, but I had no money and my "younger man" was just that....so young and unsettled and so therefore I guess I stayed with my husband for the financial security. We went through counselling for a year and it seemed to help a little. The only condition my husband imposed was that the baby be raised as his own child and that I tell my "younger man" that the baby wasn't his (which I did do). Fast forward five years and things are pretty much the same as they were before my affair. My husband is still a workaholic and the baby is now a little boy. He looks nothing like my other two children and looks more and more like his real father everyday. He has even started asking how come he looks different than his brothers (hair color, eye color). The situation is just a ticking time bomb, in my opinion, and I am sick with fear everyday. The problem is that I am still in some contact with his real father through email and some phone calls. I still maintain to him that he is not the father, but I wonder how much of that he believes. I still feel like I am in love with him and cannot seem to let go. Is it because we made a child together? I just don't know what to do anymore and feel like my life is in a downward spiral.
scaredinlove Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Wow, I am so glad I found this forum. I am hoping that you can all give me some much needed advice. I've been married 10 years to a WORKaholic. We have three children. The kids and I take a back seat to his work, clients, phonecalls and paperwork on a daily basis. We have one child who has special needs and life has been tough for us. About 5 years ago, I met and had an affair with a younger man. He was fun to be with, made me laugh, and I felt important (something I had not felt in a long time). I felt alive again, not dead and sad inside. I got pregnant and had a baby boy. I wanted to leave while I was pregnant, but I had no money and my "younger man" was just that....so young and unsettled and so therefore I guess I stayed with my husband for the financial security. We went through counselling for a year and it seemed to help a little. The only condition my husband imposed was that the baby be raised as his own child and that I tell my "younger man" that the baby wasn't his (which I did do). Fast forward five years and things are pretty much the same as they were before my affair. My husband is still a workaholic and the baby is now a little boy. He looks nothing like my other two children and looks more and more like his real father everyday. He has even started asking how come he looks different than his brothers (hair color, eye color). The situation is just a ticking time bomb, in my opinion, and I am sick with fear everyday. The problem is that I am still in some contact with his real father through email and some phone calls. I still maintain to him that he is not the father, but I wonder how much of that he believes. I still feel like I am in love with him and cannot seem to let go. Is it because we made a child together? I just don't know what to do anymore and feel like my life is in a downward spiral. You are still unhappy in your marriage and the other guy seems to be a outlet. Your husband seems to be a great man and really love you to forgive you and raise someone's child as his one. I don't know what to say about your boy ,but you may want to work on your marriage or leave.Don't live unhappy.Does you husband knows how you feel? good luck!!!!
silktricks Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Oh god, what a mess. Have you been to a counselor about this? If you haven't, please go as soon as possible. Does your husband know that you still have contact with the other man?
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 That child deserves to know his real father. Both you and your husband decided together not to tell anybody, let alone your child, the truth. Problem is, god forbid - What if there was a serious health crisis? Something that would HAVE to involve a blood relative aka his father...I'm just saying that you and your husband better talk this out. Imagine 10 or 20 years from now, that child of yours IS going to know that your husband isn't his real father. ... Fact is, already he is noticing the differences, how he looks different from his siblings. ST is asking a fair question...Does your H know you're intouch with the OM?
TheDiva Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 What do you want? Do you want to stay in your marriage now? Were you not given any choice to lay out conditions? Cheating is wrong but it is the way you handled your situation then. Now years later you seem to be stuck in the same crossroads. Make a better choice this time. You can stay in your marriage. Get more counselling and have conditions of your own. i.e. Your H make the effort and time to keep the marital connection alive. Get the other man out of your life as agreed from before and make the effort yourself to connect to your H. OR You could make the leap to get out of the marriage. Unload the secret that to the OM that the child is really his. But the major problems I can see there is it will confuse the child, and make the other guy extremely mad at you for hiding that from him. If you want to divorce go through with it without thinking that you will get with the other man. You need to decide on what you can and can't live with. Being unhappy is unhealthy for the family unit. Good luck. On a side note, I know that you are afraid of your son asking questions about not looking like dad. I have 3 children as well, all belong to my husband. My 2 older have dark eyes and dark hair and look a lot like dad. The youngest has blonde hair and blue eyes, doesn't look like either of us...(neither of us are blond haired or blue eyed.) It happens even without infidelity.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Did it ever occur to you that your husband is a workaholic because he has responsibilities? or that he is trying his best to take the very best care of you and the kids? And it sounds like he is a great guy for taking this other man's child in as his own....but that just adds to his responsibilities.
LakesideDream Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Great, really great. Husband accepts your "Bastard" child into his home and cares for it. Accepts your infidelity, and forgives you. Your reason for "straying" is that he's a workaholic, then say the only reason you remain in the marriage is the financial security. Could it be the guy works so much because he knows he's married to a money grubbing mercenary? Maybe he's worried about providing for his family, AND the bastard? You lady are a piece of work. Most men would have kicked you to the curb long ago.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Did it ever occur to you that your husband is a workaholic because he has responsibilities? or that he is trying his best to take the very best care of you and the kids? And it sounds like he is a great guy for taking this other man's child in as his own....but that just adds to his responsibilities. UMMMM.... I"m gonna have to disagree here. When men emerse themselves in work it is not only often an escape from dealing with home issues but it becomes what makes them tick. I call it "what fills you up". When his happiness and identity come from his success in his job and the admiration of his peers then whatever is going on at home is just fine with him because he doesn't depend on it at all for his happiness. There can be no motivation without desire and often the desire is to excell elsewhere. Wonder how many marriage counselors hear from couples where the woman says our R is in terrible trouble and the man says, I'm completely satisfied with the way things are I don't know what you want. Well, her identity and happiness revolves around her role as a mother and wife .. that fills her up. Let this man lose face in the coorporate world or infront of his peers then watch his world tumble, he then becomes miserable. Yes, earning the income is important but that is not his motivator nor what if filling him up. This is where an important BALANCE comes into play. SHE needs some other outlets that do not involve family (or other men) to fill her up and he needs to be able to get some satisfaction from his wife and family PERSONALLY not merely as in status (2.5 kids and a nice home in the burbs.) 'Course how to accomplish that exactly is the 100,000 dollar question or answer as the case may be.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 UMMMM.... I"m gonna have to disagree here. When men emerse themselves in work it is not only often an escape from dealing with home issues but it becomes what makes them tick. . Well I'm one of those men...I don't think I am quite a workaholic..but I take my career seriously and work quite a bit of overtime. Not so much that I am not home any later than 6pm...my family always comes first. Most of the people that enjoy the fruits of being married to a workaholic, whether it be the husband or the wife, wouldn't want the alternative...less work hours and much less money. But hey, responsible fathers seem to get the shaft. It won't stop me from doing what I do for my kids.
silktricks Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 Most of the people that enjoy the fruits of being married to a workaholic, whether it be the husband or the wife, wouldn't want the alternative...less work hours and much less money. This is complete and utter hogwash. MANY people would and do want the alternative, less work hours, less (even much less) money, and more time with the person they fell in love with.
MrsSecrets Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 I know I'm just not anyone who should be giving moral advice at this time. But I find HIDING the true paternity to the father is completely despicable. In fact, you and your husband did it mostly out of selfish conveniences which is even more horrific! When will you put this child ahead of your own interests?? Imagine having children out there and never knowing about it! Father young or not.. stop giving excuses to condone your ugly behavior! How I'd hate to be this child that is completely lied to all its life until one day he/she finds out and then learns to hate you because you shielded him/her from its real father just to make things easier on you.
Sup Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 I know I'm just not anyone who should be giving moral advice at this time. But I find HIDING the true paternity to the father is completely despicable. In fact, you and your husband did it mostly out of selfish conveniences which is even more horrific! When will you put this child ahead of your own interests?? Imagine having children out there and never knowing about it! Father young or not.. stop giving excuses to condone your ugly behavior! How I'd hate to be this child that is completely lied to all its life until one day he/she finds out and then learns to hate you because you shielded him/her from its real father just to make things easier on you. You're RIGHT on that one, lady, just think, YOU could be doing this to YOUR hubby right now. Doesn't it stink? Let your hubby go!
Salicious Crumb Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 This is complete and utter hogwash. MANY people would and do want the alternative, less work hours, less (even much less) money, and more time with the person they fell in love with. Well if they are in love with their husbands they wouldn't cheat on them now would they. People seem to gloss over the part of "for better or worse" in their marriage vows.
WTF Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 You have the nerve to call him a workoholic while you are out like a floozy. Then you get pregnant. WOW! The kid will find out one day. You can count on that. The real punishment will be when you have to explain to your son why he had a different daddy. That can't be good for the lad. So let's add it up. You messed up your marriage,your husband,your family, and your son. I bet you feel important now. have you payed enough...........not by a long shot.
jmargel Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 It really irks me that someone can come on here, tell us their problems and ask for advice.. and what they get in return is a witch hunt. I would ask all of you to stop with the judgements and offer advice. What has happened is in the past (the affair). What you can do though is change the future. IMO, the child should know his real father, and that father should know about his son. You are doing a disservice to everyone by keeping this a secret. You also need to talk to your husband about the continued contact you have with this OM. You won't solve you martial problems while this guy is in the mix (affair-wise). Also I would highly recommend marriage counseling. I'm not going to bash you like the others have, you beat yourself up everyday by what's going on. My recommendation first would be the counseling which would lead to you & your husband eventually agreeing to tell this OM that this boy is his son. It's time to come clean with it all, the hiding that you are doing is causing more pain than telling the truth is.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 It really irks me that someone can come on here, tell us their problems and ask for advice.. and what they get in return is a witch hunt. I would ask all of you to stop with the judgements and offer advice. What has happened is in the past (the affair) That would be an ok argument except one small detail...she admitted that she is still in contact with the OM. So here it is in a nutshell...her husband forgave her, is raising the child as his own...she should be damn grateful. So how does she show her appreciation that she has a good man that is doing his best to support his family and someone elses kid?? She STILL is keeping in touch with the man she betrayed her husband with. It might be a different story if she said she broke off all contact with the other man...because if they are to try to fix the marriage...the other man has to be OUT of the picture. If he is in the picture, it should be only to have contact with his child. So if the argument is what is in the past is in the past...well thats fine..but she is still disrespecting her husband by staying in touch with this other man and I'll bet her husband doesn't know about it. So you want us to give her advice....ok ...here it is. Do I think the OM should know...yes...I think so...but if he knows, then he should be stepping up and reimbursing the husband for child support. I don't know what the husband's reasons are for not wanting the other man to know...my guess though is so that way this woman doesn't have an excuse to keep in contact with him...although I doubt he knows she still is. So if she tells the OM..then the contact she has with the OM is of a nature regarding the child....nothing else...thats it. No calling up or emails just discussing current events or crap like that. Contact should be initiated only where the child is concerned. This husband is working his ass off to do the right thing and support a family...he doesn't deserve this.
Sup Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 I agree with SC, It's Impossible to have the OM as part of his sons life and to sustain NC from the wife, as an addition, that would be a constant reminder of her screwing around on him, not that the child isn't. That's the insult to injury right there. Her husband may also think if this happens, he may lose his family, IMO, he's only half right, or not right at all, since he lost his wife to another man years ago.
jmargel Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 but if he knows, then he should be stepping up and reimbursing the husband for child support What crap.. If that's the case then this OM should be suing this woman for all the years he has lost with his son. This guy has lost 5 years with his son already.. That's something you can't replace nor any amount of money could fix.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 What crap.. If that's the case then this OM should be suing this woman for all the years he has lost with his son. This guy has lost 5 years with his son already.. That's something you can't replace nor any amount of money could fix. So you are saying that the real father shouldn't be financially responsible for his own kid? And I wouldn't expect the husband to want backpay...but to assume financial responsibility from that point on.
jmargel Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 To assume financial responsibilty from this day onward, yes. But for backpay? No way. This guy deserves to know he's the father.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 To assume financial responsibilty from this day onward, yes. But for backpay? No way. This guy deserves to know he's the father. Thats what I meant...from this day forward...not backpay.
Guest Posted February 25, 2007 Posted February 25, 2007 Great, really great. Husband accepts your "Bastard" child into his home and cares for it. Accepts your infidelity, and forgives you. Your reason for "straying" is that he's a workaholic, then say the only reason you remain in the marriage is the financial security. Could it be the guy works so much because he knows he's married to a money grubbing mercenary? Maybe he's worried about providing for his family, AND the bastard? You lady are a piece of work. Most men would have kicked you to the curb long ago. Well, I must thank all of you for all your kind words. What a wonderful place to come and be totally torn apart. Let it be known that you could not possibly beat me up and make me feel as empty and sad inside as I do already. Let me also say that my husband only became a workaholic AFTER our oldest son was diagnosed with autism AND epilepsy. It was his way of immersing himself in "important" work while leaving me to deal with the daily struggles of trying to raise a child with no speech, that hurts himself, bangs his head and has seizures. Let me also say that I am not a "money grubbing mercenary". I worked before all this happened and actually made more money than my husband. I am a university graduate, not some lowlife looking for a hand out. Someone had to sacrifice their career to stay at home and look after our disabled son....and apparently it was me because it was my husband's "dream" to have his own business. I sacrificed my "dream" and stayed at home and looked after our son, while my husband went to business dinners, networked and played golf. I stayed with my husband after my affair because if I left and went back to work, WHO would look after our son? My husband? haha. You can't just put kids like that in daycare, btw. Yes, I stayed because of the financial security for the good of our child. As for the other issue...I DO want my son to know about his real father. My husband does not. It kills me every day. Our whole entire family(both sides) know about my affair and that my husband is not his real father. I'm sure that he will find out, too many people know for him not to, and once he finds out he will hate me for what I did to him. I suppose I deserve it. Anyway, I have made a mess of my life and you could not make me feel any worse about myself as I am tormented daily. My son is a constant reminder of what I have done.
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