Does It Ever Go Away?

[Audero]

I have a question for those who have had their hearts broken. Did the pain you went through change you drastically? I mean, I used to be happy go lucky, upbeat, silly, funloving, and so much more...alive. I really feel like what happened made me a completely different person. I can't get as excited about things as I used to, I don't feel things as deeply as I had my whole life (I'm 38). I'm almost numb at times.

 

My heartbreak happened about a yr and a half ago. I sank into a severe depression for 8 months. Pulled myself out of it, and moved on as best I could. I have fallen in love with a wonderful man, and am happy. But there is a part of me that is either missing, or destroyed, and I can't seem to get it back. My ex killed something in me, and now I feel like the walking wounded.

 

Have any of you noticed a major change in your personality like this? I'm especially interested in hearing from people who are several years out from the heartbreak.

[dropdeadlegs]

Heartbreak has changed me in some ways. Every one makes me stronger. Each time I am more certain of what I want and expect in a potential partner. Those are positive changes.

 

What you are describing sounds more like mild to moderate depression to me. Since I have quite a history of that, I recognize the signs. the most obvious one to me is lack of joy in things that used to bring you joy.

 

Search for a depression test online and see how you rank. The tests are usually 7-10 questions and very easy to answer simple one line questions. You can take a test and see results in less than 2 minutes. That is a starting point and speaking to a professional would have to come next to get any relief.

[ratingsguy]

Have any of you noticed a major change in your personality like this?

 

It's too soon for me to tell since I'm in the middle of a heartbreak now. But going back to my last heartbreak which was over 2 years ago, I don't think it changed me much in the long run. Rather, I think I learned a few things about myself and about what kind of person I need to avoid when looking for a relationship. But with regards to my own character makeup, I'm pretty confident that I'm the same person I was before she dumped me.

[Audero]

Heartbreak has changed me in some ways. Every one makes me stronger. Each time I am more certain of what I want and expect in a potential partner. Those are positive changes.

 

What you are describing sounds more like mild to moderate depression to me. Since I have quite a history of that, I recognize the signs. the most obvious one to me is lack of joy in things that used to bring you joy.

 

Search for a depression test online and see how you rank. The tests are usually 7-10 questions and very easy to answer simple one line questions. You can take a test and see results in less than 2 minutes. That is a starting point and speaking to a professional would have to come next to get any relief.

TY for the response. I have been in love before, and had my heart broken. Those times, I always came out of it okay. This time, it really has done a number on me. I'll take your advice, and find some tests, just to see.

[Audero]

It's too soon for me to tell since I'm in the middle of a heartbreak now. But going back to my last heartbreak which was over 2 years ago, I don't think it changed me much in the long run. Rather, I think I learned a few things about myself and about what kind of person I need to avoid when looking for a relationship. But with regards to my own character makeup, I'm pretty confident that I'm the same person I was before she dumped me.

 

 

I can relate to that. The loves I had before, I learned, accepted, and went on. Barely the worse for wear. But this time changed me somehow, and it's frustrating. Like he still has some control over my emotions...

[dropdeadlegs]

Giving this a little more thought, I was definitely changed very much for a time period. I said that each heartbreak made me stronger, but before I was stronger, I was weaker each time too. If you reach the point where a year has passed and you have found new love and still don't feel recovered, that concerns me.

 

Depression can hit you at any age and it can be one heck of a funk to get out of. there is general depression and situational depression. A short term funk after a breakup would likely be situational, but after finding some happiness and still feeling numb and wounded, that sounds like general depression.

 

I am not a doctor, just an often depressed person! I hope you can find some relief, it is exhausting to feel blah for so long. There isn't any motivation to do much of anything, even if you are still functioning as a whole. Lack of satisfaction and joy is rough!

[FallenTree]

I find that heartbreak does make one stronger & to be prepared for what may come, but also to learn from the past.

 

I like this from the Shins,

 

"[FONT=Verdana][sIZE=5][sIZE=2]But you have let your heart decide,

Loss has conquered you,"

 

if this is the case, like some other people have said, talking to a professional about depression may be a good idea.

[/sIZE][/sIZE][/FONT]

[thatmatt]

I know how you're feeling. A series of events, although not technically a break up, had the same effect on me as a break up. I lost a part of my personallity, my confidence, my overall happyness. What I have done is gone back to things before my relationship. I, much like you, lost things like sillyness and funloving qualities. What made you silly? Was it a certain type of music, a movie you remember from before your ex that can take you back and make you feel like you did when you first watched it, a hobby or activity you haven't done since before you met your ex? It sounds like in your breakup and depression, you were at the bottom of the mountain, and falling down it, you lost "pieces of your personality", and now that you're climbing back up the mountain, you have to go back and pick up pieces that you've lost. I know, I know, a very deep metaphor, but it helps for me to be able to visualize your fall as well as your journey back up. I wish you the best of luck, it sounds like you have a wonderful man there to support and love you, remember when you feel like you lost what made you "you", that there are things about you that this man loves.

[Audero]

I know how you're feeling. A series of events, although not technically a break up, had the same effect on me as a break up. I lost a part of my personallity, my confidence, my overall happyness. What I have done is gone back to things before my relationship. I, much like you, lost things like sillyness and funloving qualities. What made you silly? Was it a certain type of music, a movie you remember from before your ex that can take you back and make you feel like you did when you first watched it, a hobby or activity you haven't done since before you met your ex? It sounds like in your breakup and depression, you were at the bottom of the mountain, and falling down it, you lost "pieces of your personality", and now that you're climbing back up the mountain, you have to go back and pick up pieces that you've lost. I know, I know, a very deep metaphor, but it helps for me to be able to visualize your fall as well as your journey back up. I wish you the best of luck, it sounds like you have a wonderful man there to support and love you, remember when you feel like you lost what made you "you", that there are things about you that this man loves.

 

I like your way of explaining it. And I know, my bf loves me very much. I just miss the "best parts" of me.

 

 

 

To the others with advice, TY. This has been rough on me. And I don't feel depressed, but possibly it is a lingering depression, not as severe as what I was in for 8 months. Talking to people helps a lot.

[KittenMoon]

I just miss the "best parts" of me.

 

I can relate as well. I don't smile the way I used to, when I'm happy it feels superficial. I also feel like the best parts of me are gone, and I don't know how to get them back, or get new ones.

 

I can't give any advice, but I just wanted to let you know you're not the only one with this feeling.

[resi71]

i must say me too,after my girl break up with me mid december and did not say the reason i have been change,not happy any more,i am not interested about things i like it before.the girl was everything for me and she just killd me.i try to meet new girls but nothing happend.we loved eachother very very much

[Audero]

I can relate as well. I don't smile the way I used to, when I'm happy it feels superficial. I also feel like the best parts of me are gone, and I don't know how to get them back, or get new ones.

 

I can't give any advice, but I just wanted to let you know you're not the only one with this feeling.

 

Thanks for chiming in here. Sometimes, I feel like I'm crazy to have been so profoundly effected. It helps hearing from others. How long ago did this happen to you?

[Audero]

i must say me too,after my girl break up with me mid december and did not say the reason i have been change,not happy any more,i am not interested about things i like it before.the girl was everything for me and she just killd me.i try to meet new girls but nothing happend.we loved eachother very very much

 

How long ago was it?

[KittenMoon]

Thanks for chiming in here. Sometimes, I feel like I'm crazy to have been so profoundly effected. It helps hearing from others. How long ago did this happen to you?

 

I suppose it came when I finally got a handle on the worst of my depression. It was like the dust settled, and something was missing. I keep waiting for it to come back, but it doesn't. I keep trying to respark it, but I can't.

[Audero]

I suppose it came when I finally got a handle on the worst of my depression. It was like the dust settled, and something was missing. I keep waiting for it to come back, but it doesn't. I keep trying to respark it, but I can't.

 

I know. I can be happy, but there isn't the depth of joy, wonder, appreciation for life that I had before. I'm in a relationship now, and really love this man. I hate that the "best parts" of me are gone, and I can't share with him who I used to be before my world changed.

[KittenMoon]

I know. I can be happy, but there isn't the depth of joy, wonder, appreciation for life that I had before. I'm in a relationship now, and really love this man. I hate that the "best parts" of me are gone, and I can't share with him who I used to be before my world changed.

 

You still have the ability to love, and I think that's the key. Have you tried talking this feeling out with a therapist? Maybe if you take some time to explore it, something will click back into place.

[polywog]

I have read your thread and am wondering... did the break-up resonate with and dredge up some other deep loss in your life? I ask because I have had this happen.

[Salicious Crumb]

I have a question for those who have had their hearts broken. Did the pain you went through change you drastically?

 

Unfortunately, yes..it did.

 

I mean, I used to be happy go lucky, upbeat, silly, funloving, and so much more...alive. I really feel like what happened made me a completely different person. I can't get as excited about things as I used to, I don't feel things as deeply as I had my whole life (I'm 38). I'm almost numb at times.

 

My god...we are almost identical..I too am 38 and all those things you listed above pretty much mimic my situation...however I do feel happy go lucky..not gonna let an unfaithful partner change me there..although I do know my anger does come out in posts.

 

The way I have changed is, and unless my wife busts her ass to make amends since she is the one that f#@$d up, she has lost a husband that would do anything for her. I would have died for her...so needless to say when a person you feel that strongly for betrays you, it does change you.

 

So yes...I am feeling the same things as you...but what I did is decide to concentrate on myself, my children and started working on alot of remodeling projects. And I have to say, my children climb all over me when I get home from work, and me and my house have never looked better...LOL. So I guess something good came out of it huh?

 

In your situation, you have moved on...you are no longer with the person that broke your heart...you should concentrate on building something beautiful with this new man...even though I know it might be hard for you to trust possibly..believe me...I KNOW. But this is a new person...not the one that did you dirty.

 

Give it a chance.

[Trialbyfire]

I know exactly what you mean. I went through a situation that tore me apart and made me someone I didn't even recognize. It's taken me awhile to regain most of myself, although a lot of the naivety which equates to the simple joys in life, is gone forever. On the other hand, I see this as one of my best learning experiences ever. I've gone through hell and now I can be whole again. It's an amazing feeling the difference it makes to not care or want something that drains you of self-esteem so badly. Do it, mentally walk away. It's worth it!! =)

[Audero]

You still have the ability to love, and I think that's the key. Have you tried talking this feeling out with a therapist? Maybe if you take some time to explore it, something will click back into place.

 

I haven't talked to a therapist, no. Can't really afford to, for one thing...

[Audero]

I have read your thread and am wondering... did the break-up resonate with and dredge up some other deep loss in your life? I ask because I have had this happen.

 

No. Not that I can see anyway. I was married 20 yrs before that relationship, but it didn't effect me as much as the ending of this one did.

[Audero]

Unfortunately, yes..it did.

 

My god...we are almost identical..I too am 38 and all those things you listed above pretty much mimic my situation...however I do feel happy go lucky..not gonna let an unfaithful partner change me there..although I do know my anger does come out in posts.

 

The way I have changed is, and unless my wife busts her ass to make amends since she is the one that f#@$d up, she has lost a husband that would do anything for her. I would have died for her...so needless to say when a person you feel that strongly for betrays you, it does change you.

 

So yes...I am feeling the same things as you...but what I did is decide to concentrate on myself, my children and started working on alot of remodeling projects. And I have to say, my children climb all over me when I get home from work, and me and my house have never looked better...LOL. So I guess something good came out of it huh?

 

In your situation, you have moved on...you are no longer with the person that broke your heart...you should concentrate on building something beautiful with this new man...even though I know it might be hard for you to trust possibly..believe me...I KNOW. But this is a new person...not the one that did you dirty.

 

Give it a chance.

 

LOL Yes, your anger comes out in your posts towards us, who are/have been OW. But, I can understand why you are so angry.

 

I did move on, as you know from my story, the ex was married, and that was a mess. When I figured out what was what, I had no choice but to move on. Hardest damn thing I have ever had to do, walking away from him.

 

The new man in my life is wonderful. We were friends for 2 yrs before getting involved, and know each other well. He has seen me go through all of the mess I did with my ex. I love him, and trust him. (and it isn't easy for me to trust) But I'm just frustrated about the change in me, and the loss of parts of myself that simply aren't there now.

[Audero]

I know exactly what you mean. I went through a situation that tore me apart and made me someone I didn't even recognize. It's taken me awhile to regain most of myself, although a lot of the naivety which equates to the simple joys in life, is gone forever. On the other hand, I see this as one of my best learning experiences ever. I've gone through hell and now I can be whole again. It's an amazing feeling the difference it makes to not care or want something that drains you of self-esteem so badly. Do it, mentally walk away. It's worth it!! =)

 

I'm trying. Lord knows I am trying.

[Salicious Crumb]

LOL Yes, your anger comes out in your posts towards us, who are/have been OW. But, I can understand why you are so angry.

 

???...I didn't sense from your post that you were an OW. But even if you were, I only get angry with those OW/OM who either don't care of the devestation they are helping to cause, or have no interest in doing the right thing.

 

There are others that feel bad and want advice on how to break away...I can respect that.

 

I did move on, as you know from my story, the ex was married, and that was a mess. When I figured out what was what, I had no choice but to move on. Hardest damn thing I have ever had to do, walking away from him.

 

But you did the right thing and you should take great comfort in that. This is going to be WAY much better for you.

 

The new man in my life is wonderful. We were friends for 2 yrs before getting involved, and know each other well. He has seen me go through all of the mess I did with my ex. I love him, and trust him. (and it isn't easy for me to trust) But I'm just frustrated about the change in me, and the loss of parts of myself that simply aren't there now.

 

I know..when people have been stepped on many times over...they become cynical...who could blame them?

 

I think if I ever got divorced, although I probably wouldn't care to date ever again, I wouldn't let my past experience shape my relationship with someone new....but my past experience would make me much much more cautious.

 

Good luck.

[RoniRo]

Audero, I most certainly can understand how you are feeling. I am 10 years out of a heart-breaking relationship (I was left for Jesus) and still have a huge wound in my heart. Perhaps this is how all of my joy seeped away for so long-- It's come back but I have to work at it now. I'm in a relationship now and feel that we've got a bright, successful future..but there is a dark hole from long ago so tender, ravaged and weathered deep inside me. I suppose it's an absence more than a presence, you know. It does not help that I looked him up thru Google and found out he's married...I'm a dork for doing that.

I can say that time has not really lessened my sadness for the life with him that will never be. Everything about him is still so crystal clear. I'll always look back on him with sadness and regrets. I loved him with such intensity and honesty, and he became another person in one week. Anyways, I guess we have to have faith in the path we are on..good luck, hugs to youxoxoxox

-RoniRo