How long can a rebound period last ?

[woodyman]

20 Years old.

 

Yeah there have been a few posts from me about my GF's ex...but I would really love to know, from a woman preferably (but any help or advice would be nice), how long a rebound period can last.

 

People who have read my other posts will know the story...but in a nutshell:

 

# GF (is 19 now) was with her ex for little under 4 years - friends for about 8.

# He broke it off, at the end of 2004.

# She was in a year of proper hate, unlike, and not understanding why over him, causing others to be concerned about her eating.

# Through the middle of 2005 she was with someone, *for the sake of it*, but he was an arse to her.

# At the end of that year, she began flirting with me at work, and on January 3rd 2006 we got together.

# Now after a year, the ex is starting to come back into the picture, and having already told her that 'A', he likes her, and 'B', he in fact loves her (which was said on New Years Day this year, before he went to South Africa for 3 months).

 

Now things have been going alright for me and her, but I am in a serious state of anger towards him that he said those things, and I have not been allowed to say anything to him, otherwise 'thats the end of us'.

 

Should I have been allowed to let him know how I feel, but more importantly, after hearing the sort of connection going (at least from him), what can I expect from the situation when he gets back ??...

 

I feel like I should let it unfold and see whether he will either be excluded for good, or otherwise

[Lauriebell82]

oh wow that sounds like a tough situation. relationships involving exs are MESSY. i had an ex bf who i was with for a couple months, and the minute his ex gf (who broke up with him after 2 years and broke his heart) wanted him back he dumped me to get back with her.

 

is she still in love with him do u think? seems like she does NOT want u to talk to her ex for some reason. off hand i can think she either A) doesnt want u two to get a fight over her (which is what is likely to happen), or B) she is unsure of her feelings for her ex, therefore does not want u to talk to her ex because she is afraid he may back out of the picture if u tell him to.

 

all in all this situation probably is not going to go away. if u truley love her what i would do is talk to her about her feelings. tell her to be completely honest with u about her feelings for both u and her ex. most likely she is torn because she has a huge history with him and he undoubtedly broke her heart when he dumped her. if she says she still has feelings for him, sorry to say this, but the best thing u can do is back away. i know that will be hard after a year, but do u want to be with someone who is in love with someone else? its horrible believe me. situations like that just end in heartbreak, so before ur relationship continues u need to find out where u and her ex bf both stand. good luck and i hope i helped u!

[stillafool]

Yes that is a sticky situation you are in and I feel for you. I have had experience with a bf who was still attached to his ex and she to him. I just let it play out. I think if you forbid them from talking or seeing each other it just makes you seem insecure and that's unattractive. I think you would come out better being understanding (for a while) and let her talk to him because more than likely she needs closure if nothing else. He hurt her badly and now she is getting what she dreamed of when he broke her heart. That he would come back begging and she wouldn't be available for him. I would be as loving as possible right now and she will realize what a great guy she would be giving up to go back to someone who has already shown his true colors. Good Luck!

[woodyman]

Both very VERY good advice, I appreciate it a lot.

 

About the closure, I am almost to worried to let her start engaging in talk with him again, because of something being re-kindled, I couldn't deal with that, having lost my Dad 3 years ago, fought bullying throughout school...just hasn't dealt me a nice hand so far.

 

She is THE best thing to happen to me in such a long time.

 

She is the 'wants to stay friends' kind of person, and it seems to me that she is holding on to his friendship for some reason that is completely over my head.

 

I know for a fact though that she has said to others, when talking about me (this being around the time we got together a year back), that 1, 2 months ago she would have welcomed it from him...this made me numb inside, to hear that only a month separated her wanting him, to being with me. I don't trust her feelings.

 

I want to be able to enjoy my time with her, and not get so much anger when he tells her these things. The thing is, after maturing beyond my years with all that has happened, I can see a future with her, a marriage. I don't want my dreams dashed.

[Lauriebell82]

she said a month back that she welcomed advances from this dude? that right there is a bad sign. she probably is still hung up on him, feelings dont disapear in a month like that. she probably wants the dude back, yet doesnt want to let go of what u guys have. like i said before, this most likely will end badly. i know u love her and see a future with her, but honestly do u want a gf who is always thinking about someone else?

 

if u dont want her talking with this dude for fear that they will re-kindle something is a bad sign all on its own. sounds like u dont trust her around this guy: another bad sign. u need to talk to her like i said and find out what is going on. not from her friends from HER. preventing her from befriending the ex isnt going to do any good, actually it will make her think ur being possessive and will make her want to see her ex even more. talk to her about the situation and make her tell u what is honestly going on. there is so much wrong with this situation, and it is not going to get better sorry to say. talk to her and make a decision about ur future and whether this girl is worth all this worrying and hastle.

[woodyman]

she said a month back that she welcomed advances from this dude?

 

I knew that would get interpreted wrong.

 

She said that....a month BEFORE we got together.

 

So over a year ago she said that she would have liked to have the attention from him.

[Lauriebell82]

oh whoops my mistake. ok well still that probably means she still had/has feelings for the kid even if she is with u. i highly doubt they just disappeared. it usually doesnt happen that way.

[woodyman]

Yeah that is fair, but after a year with me, we openly talk about him sometimes, and she will say, with some good sincerity, that yes she loved him, but what she feels now is a different kind.

 

Bare in mind that their 'relationship' was when she was about 15-16.

 

After a year I would hope they have gone, otherwise I am sorry to anyone who doesn't agree with this way of song it, but if he mentions one more time that he loves her, I am stepping in. I have held my moral ground for long enough I think.

 

But don't think badly of her, she is such a sweet girl, and just loves to be with someone, to know that someone loves her.

 

And I do. Deeply.

[taylor]

Woodyman,

 

Your girlfriend is sitting on a fence with two choices. Only time will tell which choice she will make.

 

I felt compelled to respond to your post because I was in your exact situation one year ago. That's all I can do for you is share my experience and tell you what I have learned from it.

 

My ex-boyfriend (25 yo) dated a girl for 5 years (thru college and some H.S.). They were each other's first love. They planned to be married and he bought property for them to build a home on. Soon afterwards they broke up and she moved 1,000 miles away.

 

Fast forward 2 years. In March last year, he met me. We only dated 5 months but during this time we grew very close very quickly. He was my first love. He told me I was "the one," told me he wanted to marry me, wanted me to be the mother of his children, said he was the luckiest man in the world to have found me.

 

What happened? His ex-girlfriend came back into the picture - AFTER 2.5 YEARS!!! He strung me along for about 2 months while he sat on the fence in confusion and turmoil (I didn't even know she was back in the picture at the time). He became distant, detached, and his behavior was bizarre and erratic. In one week he proposed to me (Monday), told me he loved me and that I was "the one" (Wednesday), and then broke up with me (Friday). He dropped me to run back to her but I didn't know what had actually happened until he admitted it 4 months later. They tried to rekindle their romance but it didn't work. She left town again and now he is licking his wounds. (He still owns the property he bought for them. I think he is still waiting for the day she will change her mind and come back to him).

 

I was the rebound girl --after 2.5 years!!!!

 

What I learned:

 

There is no set time limit on how long a person can rebound, or more importantly, how long a person can hold a true love in their heart. Feelings can run very deep and they die hard. I truly believe my ex-boyfriend thought he was "over" his ex-girlfriend. I think he tried hard to bury his feelings for her but they all resurfaced when he saw her again. He told me he was over her and never wanted to see her again, but the emotion he used when he said this to me should have told me he really wasn't over her. (As other posters have said on this forum, you know you are really over your ex when you feel "indifferent" and "apathetic" toward them).

 

If I had to do it all over again, I would have taken time to find out more about his past relationship with this girl and tried to get a better idea of how strong of an emotional attachment he had to her. I don't know if it would have kept me from falling in love with him, but at least I would have gone into it with my eyes more wide-open.

 

My advice:

 

GUARD YOUR HEART!!!! If you don't, no one else will. A person who is rebounding can be very reckless with your heart. It's not that they are malicious, but they are very needy and can use you selfishly out of desperation. I found out recently that my ex is a serial rebounder - jumping from one relationship to the next ever since this girl left him. He jumps in quickly, gets close real fast, then jumps out when things start to get "serious." He has left a wake of broken hearts in his path.

 

Take what she says to you with a grain of salt. Her heart is probably very confused right now and what she says today she may not mean tomorrow. Listen to what she has to say, but also try to read between the lines. Pay close attention to what she does. Actions speak louder than words.

 

I agree with the other posters who advised you not to pressure her or push her into a decision. Feelings take time to sort out and she needs to be able to come to a decision on her own. Given time, she will figure out what she wants and she will respect you for giving her the freedom to make that choice on her own.

 

While she is sorting out her feelings, think about your own. If she chooses you over him will you feel 100 percent confident that her heart really does belong to you and you alone - or will you always be looking over your shoulder for his return?

 

Although I was devastated when my ex-boyfriend broke up with me, I am glad he walked away from me because I don't want someone who is in love with another girl. I want someone who loves only me and someone who can love me 100 percent. I'm still looking.....

 

It's unfortunate and I am sorry that you are caught in the middle. It's not a fun place to be. You want to know right now where she stands and if she professes her love to you, you want it to be guaranteed. I understand. But she does not have the answer for you right now and there are never any guarantees.

 

I know it's not what you want to hear, but if you love her and you want to wait and see what decision she makes, you are going to have to try to be patient and give her time and space to work this out.

 

At the same time, you don't want to feel used and you don't want to wait forever. The longer she waits to make a decision the harder it will be for you and the more painful the heartache. Only you will know how much pain your heart can take.

 

For your sake, I hope she does not sit on the fence too long.

[taylor]

Woodyman,

 

Your girlfriend is sitting on a fence with two choices. Only time will tell which choice she will make.

 

I felt compelled to respond to your post because I was in your exact situation one year ago. That's all I can do for you is share my experience and tell you what I have learned from it.

 

My ex-boyfriend (25 yo) dated a girl for 5 years (thru college and some H.S.). They were each other's first love. They planned to be married and he bought property for them to build a home on. Soon afterwards they broke up and she moved 1,000 miles away.

 

Fast forward 2 years. In March last year, he met me. We only dated 5 months but during this time we grew very close very quickly. He was my first love. He told me I was "the one," told me he wanted to marry me, wanted me to be the mother of his children, said he was the luckiest man in the world to have found me.

 

What happened? His ex-girlfriend came back into the picture - AFTER 2.5 YEARS!!! He strung me along for about 2 months while he sat on the fence in confusion and turmoil (I didn't even know she was back in the picture at the time). He became distant, detached, and his behavior was bizarre and erratic. In one week he proposed to me (Monday), told me he loved me and that I was "the one" (Wednesday), and then broke up with me (Friday). He dropped me to run back to her but I didn't know what had actually happened until he admitted it 4 months later. They tried to rekindle their romance but it didn't work. She left town again and now he is licking his wounds. (He still owns the property he bought for them. I think he is still waiting for the day she will change her mind and come back to him).

 

I was the rebound girl --after 2.5 years!!!!

 

What I learned:

 

There is no set time limit on how long a person can rebound, or more importantly, how long a person can hold a true love in their heart. Feelings can run very deep and they die hard. I truly believe my ex-boyfriend thought he was "over" his ex-girlfriend. I think he tried hard to bury his feelings for her but they all resurfaced when he saw her again. He told me he was over her and never wanted to see her again, but the emotion he used when he said this to me should have told me he really wasn't over her. (As other posters have said on this forum, you know you are really over your ex when you feel "indifferent" and "apathetic" toward them).

 

If I had to do it all over again, I would have taken time to find out more about his past relationship with this girl and tried to get a better idea of how strong of an emotional attachment he had to her. I don't know if it would have kept me from falling in love with him, but at least I would have gone into it with my eyes more wide-open.

 

My advice:

 

GUARD YOUR HEART!!!! If you don't, no one else will. A person who is rebounding can be very reckless with your heart. It's not that they are malicious, but they are very needy and can use you selfishly out of desperation. I found out recently that my ex is a serial rebounder - jumping from one relationship to the next ever since this girl left him. He jumps in quickly, gets close real fast, then jumps out when things start to get "serious." He has left a wake of broken hearts in his path.

 

Take what she says to you with a grain of salt. Her heart is probably very confused right now and what she says today she may not mean tomorrow. Listen to what she has to say, but also try to read between the lines. Pay close attention to what she does. Actions speak louder than words.

 

I agree with the other posters who advised you not to pressure her or push her into a decision. Feelings take time to sort out and she needs to be able to come to a decision on her own. Given time, she will figure out what she wants and she will respect you for giving her the freedom to make that choice on her own.

 

While she is sorting out her feelings, think about your own. If she chooses you over him will you feel 100 percent confident that her heart really does belong to you and you alone - or will you always be looking over your shoulder for his return?

 

Although I was devastated when my ex-boyfriend broke up with me, I am glad he walked away from me because I don't want someone who is in love with another girl. I want someone who loves only me and someone who can love me 100 percent. I'm still looking.....

 

It's unfortunate and I am sorry that you are caught in the middle. It's not a fun place to be. You want to know right now where she stands and if she professes her love to you, you want it to be guaranteed. I understand. But she does not have the answer for you right now and there are never any guarantees.

 

I know it's not what you want to hear, but if you love her and you want to wait and see what decision she makes, you are going to have to try to be patient and give her time and space to work this out.

 

At the same time, you don't want to feel used and you don't want to wait forever. The longer she waits to make a decision the harder it will be for you and the more painful the heartache. Only you will know how much pain your heart can take.

 

For your sake, I hope she does not sit on the fence too long.

[woodyman]

Well taylor what a beautiful and considerate answer.

 

I feel very sick at the moment, thinking about that old phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder".

 

I will not break up with her, regardless of how I think she still feels for him, she says it is nothing, and that she wishes he wasn't there, but if that was the case, surely she would have wanted to cut all contact of her own accord.

 

It seems we are/were in the same situation emotionally, and if she ever does decide of her own selfishness that she will try with him again, then I will let all hell loose on her and him, after what she has promised her.

 

I have never broken up with, or been dumped, by anyone...she is my first for everything so I honestly could not say how I would deal with it.

 

Anyway I will let all know what happens in due course. Hopefully it will be a lot of .

[taylor]

I understand how you feel about the ex-boyfriend. He is really pushing your buttons. The fact that he is possibly trying to move in on your girlfriend is annoying, rude and disrespectful. However, in his mind, I'm sure he is probably thinking, "All is fair in love and war" and possibly "Things aren't over between us yet..."

 

Your anger and jealousy toward him is completely understandable. I know you want to kick him in the a$$. You can beat the living daylights out of him (I'm sure it would make you feel good), but it isn't going to change how she feels about him one bit. It may change how she feels about you, however. If you can, try to control your feelings toward this guy or at least try to hide them from your girlfriend. The more angry and jealous you appear to your girlfriend, the more you will push her away. You don't want to do that. "Cool and confident" - that's the attitude you want to project.

 

Besides, the key here is not his behavior. The key is your girlfriend's behavior. That's what you need to focus on. Watch closely what she does - not what he does.

 

If she had absolutely no interest in him whatsoever, he could bend over backwards and promise her the world, and it wouldn't even phase her. She would care less how many times he told her he loved her and she would ignore any and all of his attempts to contact her.

 

The fact that he contacted her and the fact that she let it "get to her" tells you loud and clear they still have unresolved feelings for each other.

She can't help that she has these feelings. I know, not what you want to hear. But, what she can help is how she deals with these unresolved feelings. She knows she needs to deal with them and she knows she owes you a decision. It's better that she face her feelings and deal with them head-on, rather than try to ignore them or hide them, and leave you hanging in limbo.

 

Unfortunately, you are caught in the midst of this emotional storm and you are just going to have to hold on tight (if you choose to) and see it through to the end.

 

Again, I know it's not what you may want to hear, but it's possible this issue may not get resolved until he does come back in 3 months. She can't "do" too much now because he isn't here. When he does return, she will either be motivated to run to him or motivated to shut him out of her life completely (meaning no contact at all)

 

Can you wait that long?

 

Absence can make the heart grow fonder but, like NC, absence can also help people heal, get their priorities straight, and help people let go of the past. I'm not trying to get your hopes up, but want you to know that it can work both ways. Again, no guarantees.

 

Hang in there.

[Lauriebell82]

i agree completely with taylor. there isnt really anything u can do at this point. beating the hell out of her ex isnt going to solve anything or make him back away. actually he'll probably have more motivation to convince her he's better for her and that ur some psycho violent guy who doenst really care about her feelings. and u def. dont want that.

 

like taylor said, all u can do is wait until the dude comes back. she has unresolved feelings, and its really crappy. she's going to have to make a decision of some sort when her ex comes back, hopefully she'll chose to be with u. i know u love the girl but i would hate the idea of my bfs ex coming back and telling him she loves him and wants him back. i really feel for u and understand the pain ur in. i guess all u can do is wait and just show ur gf how much u love and care for her, and be there for her no matter what.

[woodyman]

I appreciate you two more than I have said.

 

The way I have been playing it, or trying very VERY hard to play it, is by bettering him in every way. If not to impress her, I think it makes me feel as though I have done everything I possibly can. She doesn't get overly spoiled, but I mean in terms of my life, having a direction, job, winning football trophies on the side...things for her to be proud of me.

 

It stems from him playing his cricket for a high level, in South Africa touring, makes me jealous insanely...but on the flip-side, I have been up for county football, and still win trophies in my team, so it makes me feel better.

 

I wouldn't go and kick him about a bit, I can honestly say that I have never gone for someone, but in fact because of the bully treatment i got, have only defended myself on numerous occasions.

 

I never realised how hard this is, and how much of a strong emotion it is !!!

[moman]

Woody -

 

I am going through the same situation. The girl I've been seeing since August suddenly grew distant in November. One day she would be very cold, the next day she would call me up and invite me over and we would end up making passionate love all night. Then the next week she would freak out about the sitaution and be cold. We had a fight and didn't see each other for two months (although we talked) and you can imagine how much it hurt to find out the real problem was her ex-boyfriend. I knew the guy was bothering her but she told me there was nothing to worry about since she ended it - but it seems that she still has deep feelings.

 

Now we are back to seeing each other and having a very great honest, open relationship. She is very confused - and I am guarding my heart closely. Based on what she says and her actions, she has already made her decision to pick me but it having problems letting go of the past. I completely understand.

 

I've noticed that since I've been playing it cool and indifferent she has been responding very positively. I can not and will not forbid her to talk to him or see him - I can only hope and pray that the love we feel for each other (if any) is strong enough for her to get through these trying times.

 

Sorry that you are going through such a bad situation. Please have hope and confidence that it will be resolved. There are times I Feel incredibly stupid for being in the middle of this stupid love triangle, but the times that her and I spend together are very special to me. When we kiss (and she always initiates intimacy), I feel on top of the world. Am I Playing with fire? YES!!! But I Have the patience and tenacity to see this through, and I am confident I will emerge the victor.

[stace79]

The bad news is:

 

1. If she was serious about you, and more importantly, if she was a girl who DESERVED you, she would tell ExBF to stop saying things like he wanted her back. I have been in this position, and IMO, the ONLY way to respond to an ex or anyone saying they want you while you're in a relationship is to tell them no and if they say things like that again you won't speak to them anymore.

 

2. If you don't trust her, you are in for a very miserable time, no matter how many other positives there are with her. Trust me, I was there for about 9 months where you are. BF's ex decided she wanted him back after he got with me, he wouldn't tell her to stop saying those things to him, he wanted to "always be her friend" even though she clearly was not a friend, he ended up taking a break with me so he could see her over the holidays, and we never have gotten back together.

 

I have learned that, in the future, I will be exceptionally wary and defensive of any guy still involved with an ex at all, even as a friend. Especially if that relationship was serious (longer than just a few months or something).

 

My advice would be to get out. Tell her you don't trust this situation because this guy clearly does not respect the relationship you have, and it is unfair for you to have to worry or wonder what is going to happen. If she really cares about you, she will find a way to make that clear. If not, you have just saved yourself a ton of heartache and wasted effort with someone who doesn't deserve you.

 

(Yes, I know, easier said than done, but I know it's the right thing in my case as well as yours.)

[woodyman]

I understand your reason for getting out now Stace, but you would understand also my want to wait for this guy to come back, and THEN see how she deals with it.

 

She has apparently said to him that she doesnt want him saying those things, and I believe she has, but I want to see what him being in the country, and no doubt still saying these things will do to her. If it turns out that he still says it...fine. Your advice will be taken.

 

Either way it isnt long till he is back, I am thinking about it yes, but what makes me feel sick is that fact that she may be, not thinking about him in a way like she has to see him, but thinking that he is gonna be here, and email/text will resume...but again, advice will be heeded.

 

Thankyou all a lot so far...I will update as and when.

[Trialbyfire]

Your g/f's ex is using everything in his arsenal to get what he wants and you are forced to play by some unwritten rules. You might want to ask your g/f why she's raised the bar higher on your side than her ex's side. If she can't explain it then tell her that you are very uncomfortable with their relationship and if she has respect for you, she would end it.

[woodyman]

Exactly.

 

I want her to respect my decision, which in all honesty I think would make anyone just a bit pissed off.

 

He will have his one more chance, and in fact so will she, it seems such an insignificant thing to get angry with her over, but to me it makes me very uncomfortable, and angry.

 

One more time...and it will be serious questions time.