garnet Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 My ex just joined the faculty at the school where I teach a night class, and of course his class is the same night, right across the hall. So far I'd managed to avoid him, until tonight. I had promised myself I would take the high road and say hello to him when we had the inevitable run in, but something in me just wouldn't let me do it. He gave a slight wave and I managed to raise my eyebrows a little to acknowledge him. It was as if my whole body resisted being able to say hi to him. It's been a year since I last saw him. Last Valentine's Day we had recently broken up, but he had been calling, hitting on me and sent me a Valentine's text message, and I was stupid enough to think we might be getting back together. Turns out he was seeing someone else while he was doing that. I feel as if I've seen a ghost. All of these feelings of shame and worthlessness have come back up now. I thought I would be strong enough to not feel this way after all this time, but I guess not. Something in my brain equates him with these feelings and I can't seem to shake it. Does anyone else ever feel this way? I know I'm going to keep running into him and I have to find a way to deal with this better.
What? Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 [ All of these feelings of shame and worthlessness have come back up now. I thought I would be strong enough to not feel this way after all this time, but I guess not. Something in my brain equates him with these feelings and I can't seem to shake it. Does anyone else ever feel this way? ] I'm sorry, garnet, I have not read every post you have done, just this, your latest one. Why does this guy make you feel this way? Especially after a year passing? Nobody, including you, is worthless, and I am a pessimist that used to believe I was. So by saying that, yes I guess I have felt that way. When I got burned by somebody I loved, it was easy to feel that I wasn't anything more than the floor of a NY taxicab. I don't know if that's your situation, but feel the same way. The shame I can't say anything about. I have never been ashamed of being me. Made a ton of mistakes, but can't help being me. I hope in some way this helps, as you were so insightful of my yet to be resolved situation. Least I figured I could try to lay down my opinion on you. I got to thinking about my upbringing, education, close friends and family. After time and consideration, I figured I wasn't such a bad guy... I bet you have a similar story, because you care enough to help total strangers with their problems. So you can't be too worthless and ashamed, can you?
taylor Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Hi Garnet, How awful to still feel that way after a year post breakup. I don't think any dumper really knows the full magnitude of their actions when they break up with us. The effects are not only devastating, but long lasting. Self-esteem seems to be the first thing that plummets following a breakup. My self-esteem ran out of me like a nosebleed when my ex broke up with me. It took all my strength to hang on to it. For 8 months now I keep repeating some words of wisdom given to me and now I will give them to you: You were a beautiful person inside and out before you met him. Just because he has come and gone does not change who you are. You are still beautiful inside and out. and Don't you dare let that man steal your self-worth from you. You say you felt like the floor of a NY taxi. I felt like a piece of trash wadded up and tossed in a dumpster. For five months I felt like I was picking myself out of the garbage can piece by piece. I don't feel that way anymore. I chose not to let this man validate who I am. I know what I am worth. You know what you are worth. Don't let this one man, amongst a billion men on this planet, validate who you are. Another comment in your post caught my attention. You said this man was hitting on you and semi-pursuing you while seeing someone else. Why do men do this? My ex did the same thing. My ex carried on about how lucky he was to have found "the one." Told me he loved me. Told me he couldn't wait to put an engagement ring on my finger. Told me he would help pay for an apartment if I moved closer to him. Three days later he broke up with me. I found out later that while he was sweet talking me, he had already made contact with his ex-girlfriend. After we broke up, he continued to contact me, telling me how much he missed me and can't stop thinking of me. He said, "You don't know how you make me feel inside" and "It drives me crazy to see you with other guys. I don't like it." All the while, he was attempting to rekindle a relationship with his former girlfriend. I had no idea this was going on. These men are the ones who should be ashamed of their behavior. I say hold your head high and don't bother giving this man the time of day. Let him know HE isn't worth your time or attention. I don't mean be rude. I mean be INDIFFERENT. That way you give him a clear message that you have moved on.
Author garnet Posted March 18, 2007 Author Posted March 18, 2007 Thanks to those who responded to my thread. The feelings of shame relate to the fact that he was the first man I allowed myself to be intimate with in a really long time due to some things in my past. It was a really huge step for me to make, and he knew that. I really trusted him when he told me how strongly he felt about me and that he wanted to take our relationship to the next level. Soon after, he dumped me and proceeded to get back with his ex (which took me awhile to find out about). So in general, I do feel confident and happy with myself and my life. I've done some great things with my life since that whole thing happened and I'm really proud of that. But somehow when I see him, those painful feelings that I felt at the time resurface, almost as if it just happened. That is the part that I struggle with. The fact that we have mutual friends who think he's a fantastic guy who really messed up and feels badly about what he did just makes it all the more confusing. But I've made it clear to them that I don't want anything to do with him, and he knows that. -garnet
perspektiv Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Last night I ran into my ex. She lives 2.5 hrs away, so I didnt think it would happen. She met a freind out at a club that was here. I knew she was going to be there. I didn't know how I would react though. I thought that I would see her and maybe have a short conversation if need be. As the time got nearer to go out, I had it in my head that I didn't want to see her or speak to her. Every time I saw her last night my heart dropped into my stomach. I managed to avoid her until about 2am when I was thuroughly drunk. Bad combination of events... She grabbed my shoulder and kept pulling me back but I was walking away. Then she said "I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday". I gave her a thumbs up with a smirk and said thanks and walked away. My body froze up. Everything came in such a rush and I didn't know how to react. That was probably pretty lame of me. All day I've been replaying it in my head and its eating me up. I wish I acted differently. I wish I wasn't being so obvious that I was avoiding her. I'm sick of feeling this pain. I hadn't seen her in over 2 months. I caught glimpses of her last night. Every time I saw her I turned away. Even when she grabbed me, I never connected eyes with her. Today is my actual birthday, and its sucked so far. I've been trying to get her out of my head and nothing is working.
JCD Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 My suggestion to you is to avoid him at all cost. Don't look forward to seeing him in an 'accidental way'. I went into a full blown depression and for a time I thought what's the point of living if you can't live out your dreams. I remember couple of weeks prior telling myself that no girl is worth losing my life over. Now, since I was depressed I didn't think this way. But then something happened. I started talking with a girl at work who likes me and slowly she began to make her way into my mind thus replacing my previous girl that didn't love me. Otherwise I would get home and enter the self pity hell hole. I feel great now and actually looking forward to seeing more of this new girl. Maybe we won't work out but at least I healed and can then start another relationship a bit wiser then.
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