thatmatt Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 So I started off my valentines day by breaking NC with my Ex (I know, horrible idea) intending to apologize for how I acted during our breakup, as I was more emotional then than I have ever been, and did not handle myself as I would have liked. So I called to apologize, and wish her well, something I felt like I needed to do to heal the grudge I carry against her because of how she treated her relationship. Talking to her put me in a horrible emotional state, but after talking to someone about it, I saw something that could very easily explain part of why we didn't work, and I wanted to see what you guys thought. She grew up in a very religious family, with 3 sibilings, and her parents pushed religion hard (they're missionaries), and stressed the importance of family. As she tried to find her own views on religion, she started to almost resent her family, and found much relief in friends. She ran away, in a sense, from her family, and her friends were everything she needed. She told me last night that one person cannot completely make another person happy, that that was just an illusion. I disagree completely, and always thought, and gave everything I had, to make her happy. I grew up in a very very close family, and while I belive that friends are important, I think family is most important above anything. So I ask you this: In a long term, heavy relationship, is it realistic to see that person, that relationship, as a family in a sense? I think so. I saw the relationship as that, and put it above everything else in my life, made it a number 1 priority. I think she saw it as that, and based on her upbringing, considers friendships as an easier, less stressful, more rewarding road to happyness. The main reason I broke up with her was because I gave everything I had to the relationship, and made it #1 in my life, especially at a time when I was losing everything else around me (college was horrible, losing friends, etc), and all I had wanted was for her to compromise or sacrafice for me and make me a priority, which I felt like for most of the relationship I was something convenient and helpful at a time when she had nothing else, rather than a priority. I realized that as long as we stayed together, I would kill myself trying to please her, but would never get that "top spot", so to say. So, after sidetracking a little bit, I wanted to know what you guys think. Is a long term relationship viewed in the same sense as a family, and does your upbringing determine how you see that relationship in your life?
kitten chick Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 I think that in general (not always), people who were brought up in tight knit families place a greater importance on their relationships because that is what they know. People who have always looked outside of their family for love and support tend to keep on doing that throughout their lives because that's what they know. Of course these are generalizations and aren't always true, I know many examplse of people who don't fit this mold. However, you can not be responsible for her happiness and she can not be responsible for yours. I don't know your story but just from what you wrote here it seems like you were leaning too heavily on her to "make you happy". In the end, it doesn't really matter why, as long as you learned something about yourself and about what makes you happy or what kind of relationship you work well in then the lesson has been learned.
Author thatmatt Posted February 15, 2007 Author Posted February 15, 2007 that makes a lot of sense. It wasn't that I leaned on her too much, although I did lean on her, she had leaned on me very heavily during the first year of the relationship, because she really didn't have many friends. I continued that support after she went to college, but at the same time going through rough times on my own. I reached out to her, and somehow that pushed her away, yet when she was in the same situation, I never backed off. I felt I deserved the same that I had given her in hard times. She needed me for a whole year, then moved on to something better, something she had wanted all along.
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